Father Distraught to Learn His Daughter is Playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite

John Potter of Hibbing, Minn., was extremely distraught to learn yesterday that his 26-year-old daughter, Meghan, has been playing on the low-level slow-pitch softball team Boom Goes the Dynamite. John Potter learned the disappointing news when he called his daughter's house yesterday evening.

“Meghan was all excited, saying, ‘Dad, guess what. I’m playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. I’m a starter, Dad!’” remembered the elder Potter. “But I couldn’t even respect her after she told me that. She’s such a disappointment. I can’t believe my girl, my favorite daughter, is a member of Boom Goes the Dynamite. It's such a step down in my baby girl's softball career, yet somehow she’s so clueless she doesn’t even realize that. Not only is she delusional, it appears she’s a moron, as well.”

“I could tell dad was really proud of me when I told him,” Meghan said. “He wouldn’t even respond anymore. I think he was choked up and didn’t want me to hear him cry. I really made him proud.”

John called his daughter's team president, Jeff Keiser, to confirm the news. “Jeff is a good guy and tried to sugarcoat it, saying Meghan tries hard and is improving,” John said, “but I know better. My girl is a failure.”

“I tried to be as honest as possible with Mr. Potter,” Keiser said. “But I know it’s never easy to hear that your child has been playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. It’s every parent’s nightmare.”

Mr. Potter said it will take him some time to get over the disappointment of his daughter's athletic failings, especially after a mediocre softball career at North Dakota State during which she earned honorable mention on the 2003 Academic All-North Central Conference Team.

“You do your best, you know?” he said. “I’ve tried to play catch with her since she was old enough to hold a ball, but she never really seemed to put it all together. I just pray she doesn’t embarrass me too much out there. That is if I can even make myself go to the games.”

Yo, Mammy!

Although somewhat belatedley, members of Boom Goes the Dynamite and friends of the members of Boom Goes the Dynamite wanted to send out special messages to their moms on Mother's Day.

Kyle Casey: Thank you for passing down the hair gene...or lack thereof.
Molly Casey: Thanks for your caramel rolls.
Kyle Coughlin: Thank you for not naming me Kevin.
Steve Geller: Thanks for proving to me that not every person from the East Coast has to be such a jerk.
Lisa Hardy: Thanks for teaching me that running fast should always (ALWAYS!) be optional.
Alicia Jerome: It was you that showed me that arriving even a minute before game time is a waste of time. Thanks for that.
Jeff Keiser: Thanks for teaching me that everything in life is either "the best/funniest/warmest/coldest/hardest/etc. thing ever" or "the worst/un-funniest/coldest/warmest/easiest/etc. thing ever."
Tory Kukowski: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for never calling me Teeks.
Casey Kurtt: Thank you for my, ahem, assets.
Kevin Kurtt: Thanks for teaching me that when I do something well it was you who taught me that, but when I do something poorly, it's dad's fault.
Laura Kurtt: Thanks for showing me how to dance.
Jesse Miller: Thank you for not giving up hope on getting a son.
Maggie Miller: Thanks for welcoming Quimby into the family. He's soooo much better than Cooper.
Kevin Noth: It was you that showed how to save money on shoes. For that, I am forever grateful.
Meghan Potter: Thanks for teaching me that there ain't no better man than an arrogant, hockey-playing man.
Shane Sandersf***: Thanks for teaching me the joys of Pinky Man.
Andrea Smith: Thanks for passing down the short genes to me.
Michelle Train: Thank you for not naming me Elaine.
Emily Wickstrom: Thanks for showing me how to be a top-notch drama queen.
Koda: Thanks for putting these really easy-to-chew-through leashes on me.
Cooper: Thanks for making dad get off his lazy ass to play Frisbee with me.
Maggie (the dog): Thanks for putting up with my constantly-shedding fur for all these years.

The Doggie Bag - Demonic Squirrels

• Actual entries in the police report from the Star Tribune West:
- Carver County, April 27 - A caller on Mockingbird Lane in Waconia said a 29-year-old man was screaming gibberish. The caller believed the man was speaking Latin and that he was possessed by demons. Police were unable to find the man.
- Chanhassen, May 3 - A caller in the 3800 block of Leslee Curve said two squirrels were blocking the door to a residence.
• Knocked-up wife Casey Kurtt attempted to knock out her husband Kevin on Wednesday, firing a softball to the expectant father's cheek bone/jaw. Casey claimed she saw Kevin look up at her before throwing, while Kevin asserts he never once made eye contact with his sweetums. Kevin is now sporting a small bruised bump on the right side of his exceedingly attractive face. "Softballs are anything but," Kevin said.
• Pearl the Landlord says, I want my money!!!
• Jamie Kennedy has a small bathroom break he has to do.
• If you haven't seen Pizzagate at Fenway Park from earlier this season, you haven't lived. Kudos go to the NESN announcers who really rose to the occasion. Stay classy, Boston.
- Part One
- Part Two
• Finally, that guy needs a hug.

Today's Musical Guest: Ronald Jenkees

From time to time, Mr. Heavyfoot will introduce you to a musical act we find entertaining, unique or just plain good. Today, we give you Ronald Jenkees:

While I’ll be the first one to tell you I’m different, there’s nothing wrong with me or the way I am! I understand some people just need to speculate things (that’s normal) but there’s nothing wrong with my brain (LOL) and I’m definitely not a savant (go check out some Beethoven for that, folks). I realize that some will think I’m fake, some will think I’m too weird, and maybe a few folks will actually digg my jams.

We, for one, digg his jams.

Ronald Jenkees at YouTube
Ronald Jenkees Official Site

Introducing Mr. Heavyfoot

Mr. Heavyfoot launched on May 9, 2007, eliciting the obvious question of "Why Mr. Heavyfoot?" Aside from our well-documented proclivity for speeding, Mr. Heavyfoot actually refers to an obscure character from the Canadian sketch comedy show Kids in the Hall.

The blog Mr. Heavyfoot promises you, the Interweb surfer, a collection of fake news releases that may or may not mean a darn thing to you, various and sundry videos that we find amusing and other stuff to ensure that work productivity stays low.

Mr. Heavyfoot is and will continue to be the ultimate destination for all things related to Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball. What's Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball? Oh, it's just a two-time defending CSC Champion, a winning franchise in 25 of its last 26 games, a team comprised of lame duck athletic communicators, washed-up athletic communicators, an over-dramatic athletic creative director, underpaid and underappreciated athletic secretaries, a mediocre athletic photographer, a short lawyer-to-be, a soon-to-be unemployed athletic communication intern, a teacher with an expanding belly and a new dad with $5 cleats.

Comments, visitor submissions, monetary donations and baseless death threats are wholeheartedly welcome.

Athletic Communications All-Time Worst Sporting Moments

1. Dave Reidinger (aka Cheese) striking out twice (four straight whiffs) in an I'm With Stupid softball game.
2. Steve Geller rolling a 68 in bowling in the first annual SID Olympics.
3. Shane Sandersfeld fouling out twice in a softball game.
4. Kevin Kurtt bailing on the Race of the Decade with a hamstring injury.
5. John Romo's shoddy performance in a Media Relations vs. Marketing softball game.
6. Alicia Jerome, a former NCAA Division I softball player, striking out twice in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.
7. Kyle Coughlin soaking his bloody leg in a kiddie pool after sliding into a wooden home plate.
8. Steve Geller stepping on a golf tee in his kitchen.
9. Iggy the parakeet attack following an I'm With Stupid softball game.
10. Kevin Noth getting heckled by passers-by after over-running third base in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.

Honorable Mention (Boom Goes the Dynamite edition)
Alicia Jerome taking a ball in the face at third base vs. Capella.
Kyle Coughlin sending Casey Kurtt home while the ball was in the infield vs. Capella.
Humpday Hacker right fielder arguing with Kyle/blowing the game by wiping out in the outfield.
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep.
Lisa Hardy getting called a “bitch” after game against Capella followed by Kyle Coughlin holding her back.
Humpday Hackers complaining about Steve Geller’s chicken scratches in the scorebook.

Fog Bowl II: Boom Goes the Dynamite Attacks ERAC

A dream match-up between a pair of defending CSC League Champions turned into a spectator's nightmare last night as Lake Nokomis and Mother Nature unleashed a fury of fog to cloud what was a dominating 22-12 rout for Boom Goes the Dynamite over previously undefeated ERAC, a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers.

In fog-related news, a report of an abduction of right fielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) during the period of heavy fog proved to be unfounded.

"I turned around and Meghan was gone," second baseman and 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) said. "I saw nothing but fog. I thought for sure somebody grabbed her and ran. Frankly, I would have been glad if they had because she was playing like it was her junior season at North Dakota State when she batted .182."

Boom adjunct meteorologist Lori Noth of KARE-TV, wife of outfielder/catcher/craigslist victim/lawsuit plaintiff Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.), explained the reasons behind the formation of fog on the softball diamond. "It's about relative humidity and condensation nuclei, but really the fog last night was about covering up my husband's putrid play of late. I don't want my son to see those cheap-ass cleats, that girlie arm or those multiple strikeouts. Thank you fog."

When informed of her husband's 4-for-4, error-free 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week performance, Lori Noth refused to revise her earlier statement, saying only that "it must have been a fluke."

Boom Goes the Dynamite improved to 3-1 on the season in comeback fashion, helped largely by gargantuan home runs in the fourth inning by Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Following the game, ERAC refused to believe those round-trippers were the result of natural and legal causes.

"There's no way a short guy, a scrawny shortstop and a guy that swings at pitches over his head should be able to hit softballs that far," ERAC infielder Hector Escondido said. "Whether it's HGH, EPO or some bovine steroid, those guys are on the juice. Let's just say I have a call in to former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell."

"I can't speak for Kevin or Steve, but what you see here is 100 percent all-natural Keiser," the diminutive left fielder/catcher/husband of a wife that could kick his ass said. "Do you honestly think I'd be eating all those crappy salads and avoiding sugar like the plague if I was on steroids? Puh-leeze."

"My home run was about pure rage," Kurtt said. "Cooper wouldn't shut up. My mom kept telling me how bad I was playing. My dad was calling me Chuck Knoblauch. And Keiser said my bat was dead. Well, look at me now. Look at me now, bitches."

"I'm not here to talk about the past," Geller added.

In other controversial news, first baseman and resident hothead Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) successfully got in an argument with a CSC umpire for the third consecutive season when a limp-wristed throw by pitcher/journeyman/injury-prone/wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) to Hardy was broken up by the running of ERAC's second baseman.

"Honestly, is anyone surprised anymore when Lisa gets in an argument?" third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) said. "If Jesus Christ were a CSC umpire, Hardy would argue balls and strikes."

In other news, outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) earned this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award, reverting to his inning-ending, pop-up hitting self, further disappointing his real or imagined girlfriend in the process.

The rout of ERAC sets up another key mid-season match-up with league leader Cleveland Steamers (3-0), a team comprised of sexual deviants and refrigerator deliverymen. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces the Cleveland Steamers at 6 p.m., on Monday, May 14, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.

Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 63-33 through four games this season.
• Three players - Steve Geller, Jeff Keiser and Kevin Noth - made their first appearance of the season at catcher.
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller removed himself from the outfield with a sore elbow after doing his best impression of an inaccurate Jeff Keiser throw from the outfield.
- Andrea Smith suffered a mild concussion after misplaying a grounder at third base, allowing the ball to fly above her and land squarely on her head.
• Cooper had to take a hell of a bath after the game.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, , Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt - The Kurtts are now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Noticeably absent in the stands was early Superfan leader Laura Kurtt. Her mother was unabashedly disappointed in her only daughter.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (2 apps.) Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Beth Kurtt (1 app.), Jim Kurtt (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie - Maggie now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award
• Mascot standings: Cooper (4 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (1 app.)

Noth Announces Lawsuit of craigslist Following Boom's 17-2 Shellacking of Lucky Strikes

Boom Goes the Dynamite picked up its second win of the season with a 17-2 spanking of Lucky Strikes last night, but the celebration was short-lived for right fielder Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.) as the hair-challenged team strikeout leader announced his intention to file a lawsuit of craigslist after an incident involving his $5 cleats (photo below) bought on the online community. Noth, 0-for-3 on the night, tripped and fell while running to first base in the second inning, but reached base on a throwing error by the Lucky Strikes shortstop.

"Let's face it. I got ripped off," Noth said from a press conference at Fat Lorenzo's Pizza. "I spent good money on cleats that I expected to take me to the next level in my softball career. That craigslist guy promised me big things that did not include me sprawled out face-first on the first-base line. The law offices of Curtis K. Walker have been contacted. Craiglist, consider yourself sued."

The spring season has not been kind to Wisconsin native and Big Ten Fantasy Football League runner-up Noth. In last week's 13-5 loss to longtime rival Yellow Snow, Noth struck out and went 1-for-4 in front of wife Lori and infant son Cameron. Against Lucky Strikes, Noth whiffed again and failed to get the ball out of the infield for the second consecutive week. For his "efforts," Noth was named the Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week.

"It's flat-out embarrassing," slugger and outfield bully Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said. "I thought after his game-winning walkoff hit in last year's championship game we'd see a whole new Kevin Noth. Boy, was I wrong. All I see is a guy in $5 cleats lying in the dirt. That's just not Boom Goes the Dynamite softball."

Noth's hijinks notwithstanding, Boom broke out of its slump with the entire lineup (sans Noth) showing the offensive prowess that paced the franchise to a league-record 23-game win streak from August 2005 to April 2007. Kukowski went 4-for-4 with a home run, Week 1 Goat Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) finally got his bat going with a round-tripper and four hits, third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) made her debut with a strong all-around showing and wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) continued being great with his first injury-free three-week span since the seventh grade.

Keiser, acting team president and general manager, made several moves in the batting order and the defensive lineup to provide a much-needed spark to the club. Keiser moved his previously weak bat lower in the lineup and promoted the surprisingly well-hitting and popup-free Kukowski to the No. 3 spot. The move worked as both outfielders led the team in slugging percentage and runs scored.

Two-time Boom Player of the Week Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) continued her torrid start to the season, reminding some of her six home run, 34 RBI sophomore season at North Dakota State. In addition, second baseman Katie Fornasiere (Maple Grove, Minn.), daughter of Golden Gopher assistant baseball coach, gave Boom some speed on the basepaths that was absent in recent weeks with the attitude of Lisa "I run when I want to run" Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.).

In injury news, pitcher Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) suffered a mild separated shoulder on a baserunning blunder in the third inning. He is listed as day-to-day. Crissy Potter (Hibbing Minn.), last week's second baseman, missed last night's game with a concussion and general body pain after shortstop Kevin Kurtt's body-check at second base in the game vs. Yellow Snow.

The rout of Lucky Strikes sets up a key early-season match-up with league leader ERAC (3-0), a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces ERAC at 8:20 p.m., on Monday, May 7, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.

Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 41-21 through three games this season.
• Kyle Coughlin made his first career appearance at first base.
• CSC continued its utter disregard for unsafe playing conditions as play was never suspended despite the prevalence of lightning in the area.
• Katie Fornasiere reportedly made it home in time to watch Heroes.
• Casey Kurtt's belly continued to expand, apparently providing the catcher with additional power.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend failed to make an appearance at the third consecutive Boom game, leading some to question her actual existence.
• Jeff Keiser displayed exceptional intestinal fortitude, playing just hours after a rigorous physical therapy session to heal a real or imagined lower leg injury.
• Fans in attendance: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (1 app.) - Wickstrom now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Emily Wickstrom (1 app.), Jim and Beth Kurtt (0 combined appearances).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper (3 appearances)
• Mascot standings: Cooper (3 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (0 app.)

Boom Pisses Down Leg, Snaps Win Streak with Loss to Yellow Snow

The streak is over. Boom Goes the Dynamite's 23-game all-sports CSC record winning streak came to an end last night as longtime rival Yellow Snow rolled to a 13-5 win at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. In front of a season-high seven fans, Boom was flat-out awful in all areas of the game.

"We sucked," Team President/General Manager/Chief Scout/Social Coordinator/Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "It was a complete circus."

The loss was Boom's first since the 2005 season.

"I am never - NEVER - taking my son to a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game again," Mother of the Year candidate Lori Noth said after the game. "It started with my Kevie's putrid performance. But he didn't get his cleats from craigslist in time. He'll be a different player with those cleats. Mark my words.

"Aside from my honey-poo, Boom reminded me of the KARE-TV coed softball team. Tory Kukowski swung the bat like (Eric) Perkins; Lisa Hardy ran like (Diana) Pierce; and Jeff Keiser fielded like (Boyd) Huppert. That might not mean much to you, but the KARE team gets throttled year-in and year-out by the Cyndy Brucato-led KSTP squad. It's embarrassing and Boom Goes the Dynamite should hang their heads in shame. C'mon, Cameron. We're out of this bitch."

Streak Hits 23 as Boom Opens the Season with 19-6 Rout of Big Swingin

Using a near-flawless pitching performance from wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.), Boom Goes the Dynamite opened the 2007 season with a 19-6 rout of Big Swingin last night at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field in Minneapolis. In front of three fans, Boom showed little signs of rust as the two-time defending CSC Champions pushed their franchise record winning streak to 23 games.

Healthy for the first time since the fall of 2003, Coughlin pitched two no-hit innings to start the game and was solid throughout from the mound, walking only one and scattering six hits. In addition to his hurling performance, the journeyman slugger went 4-for-4 at the plate with a home run in the fourth inning to put the game on ice.

"I was great," Coughlin said.

Making her debut with Boom Goes the Dynamite was rookie outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.), formerly of North Dakota State and Hibbing High School. Ranking 11th on the NDSU career home run list with nine round-trippers, Potter displayed her power in the third inning with a blast to left center to give Boom a 13-3 lead.

"I give all the credit for my performance to Tom Wistrcill," Potter said at the post-game press conference at the 5-8 Club. "He gave me the best pep talk of my illustrious career during lunch today at the Library. He probably couldn't run from home to first base without sustaining multiple injuries, but he knows his stuff. Basically, he just told me that I need to be a superstar...that I'm anything but mediocre. I'm choking up just thinking about his words."

Despite the strong performances throughout the lineup, the game was marred by several bouts of little to no effort from a handful of Boom players. While Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) showed outstanding hustle and grit, taking two foul balls off her ever-expanding belly and running out every play, infielders Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) and Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) once again showed signs of selective hustle.

Jerome failed to run out a shallow fly ball in the fifth inning, but it was Hardy who was the most visible culprit of non-effort. A documented hothead with a history of dust-ups with opponents, teammates and umpires, Hardy nearly cost Coughlin of his home run in the fourth inning. With the oft-injured Coughlin putting months of chiropractic work on the line as he sped around the bases, Hardy refused to do more than a trot on the basepaths.

"I run when I want to run," Hardy said, evoking memories of former Minnesota Viking Randy Moss.

Boom Goes the Dynamite (1-0) continues its defense of the CSC Championship next Monday at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field.

Notes:
• Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) was perhaps the rustiest of the Boom players as the left fielder had two errors in the field and went 0-for-3 from the plate. With his putrid performance, Keiser earns the first Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award.
• Steve Geller (St. Louis Park, Minn.) was a close runner-up to Keiser in the Goat voting, failing to reach base and making an error at third base. Geller also made two outs in the fifth inning.
• Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), a two-time Boom MVP, was borderline flawless in the field with 13 assists from his shortstop position. The expectant father showed little rust at the plate, going 3-for-4 and needing just a home run for the cycle.
• Kevin Noth (Maidson, Wis.) did not receive his $5 cleats from craigslist in time for the game, providing high comedy during baserunning.
• Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) got off to the fastest start of his Boom career despite still employing his long, looping swing. Usually good for two or three easy pop-ups in season openers, Kukowski went 3-for-4 with a fielder's choice.
• Alicia Jerome nearly started a fight in the fifth inning as she shoved Big Swingin's first baseman as she rounded the base.
• Fans in attendance: Laura Kurtt, Shane Sandersfeld, Michelle Train - all now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Koda - both now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award.

2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Summer Season

2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Summer Season
Shane Sanderfeld Memorial MVP: Kevin Kurtt
Gaylord hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP: Kevin Noth
Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Katie Fornasiere
Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Steve Geller/Jeff Keiser
Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award: Lisa Hardy
Kyle Coughlin Interim Director Leadership Award: Kyle Coughlin
Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Kyle Coughlin
Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: Steve Geller/Kevin Kurtt/Kevin Noth
Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player: Katie Fornasiere/Kevin Noth
Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Steve Geller
Library Bary & Grill Rookie of the Year: Katie Fornasiere
Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: The Kurtts/Laura Kurtt
Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper
Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Tyler Thomson
M. Lochrem/Nick Joos Biggest Disappointment “Award”: M. Lochrem
Cy Young: Steve Geller
Gold Glove: Kevin Kurtt, Jeff Keiser, Alicia Jerome
Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year: Steve Geller/Tory Kukowski/Kevin Kurtt
Marvin Geller Lifetime Achivement Award: Kevin Kurtt

BOBBY Z’S KODAK MOMENTS OF THE YEAR:
Kevin Noth’s strikeout and game-winning walkoff hit in championship game vs. Yep
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep
Steve Geller playing with one good arm vs. Capella
Kevin Noth’s catch in right center vs. Dorsey Mayhem
Kevin Kurtt’s diving catch at shortstop to stab a line drive vs. Beer Goggles
Kevin Kurtt’s backhanders at shortstop
Casey Kurtt getting tagged out at home followed by a somersault vs. Capella
Casey Kurtt clinching the win vs. Capella by getting a batter interference call on a popup to catcher
Lisa Hardy taking on that idiot from Humpday Hackers when he couldn’t figure out where the three outs were written down.
Cooper mauling Koda following the title game vs. Yep
The 12 fans we had for a 27-7 three-inning win over The Indys
Steve Geller yelling “damn!” after hitting a single when he wanted to hit a home run vs. The Indys

THE STEAK KNIFE BLOOPERS OF THE YEAR:
Alicia Jerome’s two strikeouts vs. Capella
Alicia Jerome takes a ball in the face at third base vs. Capella
Kyle Coughlin sending Casey Kurtt home while the ball was in the infield vs. Capella
Any time Kevin Noth rounded a base
Steve Geller’s baserunning
Humpday Hacker right fielder arguing with Kyle/blowing the game by wiping out in the outfield
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep
Lisa Hardy getting called a “bitch” after game against Capella followed by Kyle Coughlin holding her back
Humpday Hackers complaining about Steve Geller’s chicken scratches in the scorebook
Kevin Kurtt’s backhanded throw to third vs. Yep
Any time Jeff Keiser let a ball go over his head or through his legs

Boom Goes the Dynamite Exorcises Demons, Wins Title for Geller and Sandersf***

“I don’t know what it is about that team…. They’re just…they’re just winners.” – Yep Outfielder

Boom Goes the Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, captured the 2006 Cities Sports Connection spring season championship on June 14, downing the Pot Belly Heroes 20-10 in the semifinals and the dynastic Yep 10-4 in the title game at the West Bank Softball Fields in Minneapolis.

With the championship, Boom completed its perfect season at 9-0 and overcame five years of softball futility to hang a banner in honor of the now-defunct former powerhitter Shane Sandersf*** and team president, manager and world traveler Steve Geller.

“We dedicated this season to Shane ‘Brokeneck’ Sandersf*** and always kept our mentor Steve ‘Coolies’ Geller in the back of our minds, but this title really goes out to all the Lundbergs, Potters, Moraleses, Leaches and Fridges that toiled in the infancy of this franchise,” charter franchise member and assistant to the traveling secretary Kevin Kurtt said. “Gone are the days of Mike Lundberg tripping over first base; or Qasar Nahasapeemapetilon rounding home; or Jeff Leach playing in boxers, his wife’s tank-top and dress socks; or Dave ‘Cheese’ Reidinger’s four straight whiffs; or Renee ‘The Fridge’ Holloway getting thrown out at first from left field; or getting attacked by escaped parakeets. LowEx, Gas and Stupid had their moments, but nothing will compare to the thrill of winning a championship with Boom Goes the Dynamite. Take that, Yellow Snow, McWalstein’s No-Talent Ass Clowns and Yep.”

For the season, Boom Softball outscored its opponents 153-64 for an average margin of victory of 9.89. Only two of its nine games went the regulation seven innings.

“I don’t know what it is about that team,” one of Yep’s outfielders actually said during the championship game. “They’re just…they’re just winners.”

“You better damn well believe we’re winners,” starting pitcher and seasoned journeyman Kyle Coughlin said. “I didn’t slide into a wooden home plate and rinse off my bloody leg in a kiddie pool just for fun. I didn’t go to the chiropractor every week just for my own health. I didn’t open up my jam-packed social calendar just for sh*ts and giggles. I signed up to win and that’s exactly what I did. Now I’ll probably mail it in and make up some injuries so I don’t have to play anymore. I got my ring. I owe this team nothing.”

“If you look at what this team went through to win the title, it’s really quite remarkable,” rookie outfielder and target of countless taunts from hecklers Kevin Noth said. “First, we lost Sandersf***, followed by team sparkplug Emily Wood to a wrist injury. Then, Geller bolted to play in a developmental league in Slovenia. That was a blow to our depth, but Coughlin stepped right in and kept his ERA under 2.00, ballooning his ego to unfathomable proportions. Next, Keiser made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history, resulting in his right elbow falling to the grass. Throw into the mix, Kurtt’s bloody leg, my bum ankle from a bizarre bike vs. squirrel accident, Michael H. Lochrem’s ill-conceived midseason retirement and Lisa Hardy’s refusal to run hard to first base, and the odds we stacked against us. But we pulled together and won, even with Cooper barking her head off, Tory Kukowski playing ‘through the wickets’ with numerous ground balls to the outfield and Jim and Beth Kurtt criticizing their son’s play every week.”

Boom Goes the Dynamite began the summer season last week with a forfeit win over Voodoo Posse. Tonight, Boom takes on Realty Executives (1-0) at 8:20 p.m., at Diamond #1 of the West Bank Softball Fields. Admission is free, but donations will be accepted for The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).

Following the season, Boom held its annual awards banquet in Geller’s office. A list of the team award winners is below.

2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Spring Season
Shane Sanderf*** Memorial MVP: Kevin “Bloody Leg” Kurtt
The Steak Knife Playoff MVP: “Big Swinging” Tory Kukowski
Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Andrea “The Attorney” Smith
Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Jeff “Elbow” Keiser
Lady Byng Leadership/Sportsmanship Award: Lisa “I Run Fast When I Want” Hardy
Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Lisa “Hit the Cut” Hardy/Kevin “Heckle Me” Noth
Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: “Messy” Steve Geller
The Blarney Most Improved Player: Lisa “My Mom’s Name is Pam” Hardy
Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Andrea “Dr. Dré” Smith
Library Bary & Grill Rookie of the Year: Alicia “The New Jerry” Jerome
Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Michelle “Gravy” Train
Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper
Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Emily “The Chicken and the” Hennen
Nick Joos Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Michael “Lockjaw” Lochrem
Cy Young: Kyle “Wily Veteran” Coughlin
Gold Glove: “A Slice of” Kevin Kurtt/Andrea “Smitty” Smith/Kyle “Seamus” Coughlin
Isiah Thomas Executive of the Year: Steve “Helen” Geller

Yorde Does Golf Results, Coughlin Goes Golfing

Providing further evidence that Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) is blatantly mailing it in in his final days as interim director of the University of Minnesota Athletic Communications office, rookie student worker Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) is currently updating months-old golf results on gophersports.com, while Coughlin is out golfing. This development comes just days after Coughlin forced Associate Director of Athletic Communications Shane Sandersfeld (Williamsburg, Iowa) to handle men's golf results from the NCAA Championships in favor of getting drunk in Worthington, Minn.

"I'm just doing my job," Yorde said after singing the Michigan State fight song. "That's more than I can say for Mr. Coughlin. Then again, maybe his golf outing will yield some big things for this office. I'm sure there's a business-related reason for him to go golfing on a Monday. Why else would I be doing golf results that should have been on the website months ago?"

Coughlin left the office around 11:30 a.m., instructing Yorde to update golf results from the 2007 season without instructing Yorde on how to update golf results from the 2007 season. Allegedly, Coughlin did not educate Yorde on the process of updating the website because he has no idea how to do it himself.

"I'm not sure he knows what gophersports.com is," intern extraordinaire Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said after training Yorde on the intricasies of the XOS-run website. "He's damn good at text messaging and IM'ing, but I don't think he has a clue about our website."

Reached at the fourth hole of Chaska Town Course, Coughlin brushed away any criticism on why a helpless student worker is spending her summer vacation making $4.75 an hour doing his job while he is enjoying a sunny day on the golf course. "I'm working on my power fade and my short game, not irrelevant golf results. What I'm really doing is preparing Kristine for a bright future in the athletic communications industry. She should be thanking me. F***, I'm in the trees again."

In addition to allegedly spurning his duties as Golden Gopher golf contact, Coughlin is also expected to miss Boom Goes the Dynamite's playoff opener tonight against Foul Balls, thanks to his 1 p.m., tee time. Team management is certainly not pleased with Coughlin's me-first attitude, and is exploring the language in Coughlin's contract in a possible effort to void the oft-injured infielder's deal with the two-time defending CSC Champions.

Worst Throw in Softball History to Result in Amputation of Keiser’s Arm

Boom Goes the Dynamite Assistant General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) will undergo a surgical procedure to amputate his right arm on Friday after the left fielder made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history last night in Boom’s 15-1 win over Lookin’ to Score. Attempting to make a throw to home plate, Keiser instead heaved the ball 15 feet over catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and into the ivy covering the backstop. Keiser’s right elbow promptly fell to the grass in left field, while shards of his ulnar nerve were spotted in the ivied backstop, precipitating tomorrow’s amputation.

“Jeff Keiser sustained a Class IV injury to his right elbow last night,” team physician and May Teammate of the Month Mahdi Abbou Sammad said. “My surgical team will work diligently to preserve Mr. Keiser’s quality of life, but he didn’t do himself any favors by making that horrendous throw. He no throw good and he now hurt bad. In related news, I’d like to announce that the amputation will be broadcast live on this week’s episode of Hello Mahdi!”

Keiser, an original member of the Boom Goes the Dynamite softball franchise, will be cared for at his Plymouth, Minn., home by all-star caregiver Joyce Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa). The mother of now-defunct Shane Sandersf***, a former power hitter and below-average outfielder, will see to all of Keiser’s daily needs, including bathing, feeding and defecating, clearing the way for Keiser’s wife to continue to train for the 47 marathons that she will be competing in this summer.

“It’s a shame that he’ll lose his arm, but he kinda deserves it if you ask me,” wily veteran Kyle “Turn Your Head And” Coughlin said. “I mean, did you see that god-awful throw? He allowed their only run to cross the plate. It’s embarrassing. I’m glad they’re cutting his arm off. Serves him right.”

Pick 'Em Corner Signs One-Year Deal

Shane Sandersfeld, Producer of "Pick 'Em Corner" has just locked into a one-year agreement with BW3 to bring back the popular sports show for it's second season.

Negotiations between Sandersfeld and BW3 were ongoing since last January when the show concluded its first season on Victory Sports One. The show was the highest-rated program on VSO, but rumors of its cancellation became rampant after Sandersfeld was unsure if he could bring back two of the prominent personalities, Jeff "The Cornerman" Keiser and "The Professor" Kevin Kurtt. Also adding to the chaos, was Sandersfeld's near death experience in Mexico where he was attempting to reach an agreement with ESPN Deportes to simulcast "Pick Em Corner" with the Spanish equivalent "El Gaucho Cornero Loco". That plan fell by the wayside, as did Sandersfeld, as his broken neck led to stagnating the negotiations with both VSO and ESPN Deportes.

Sandersfeld was forced to turn negotiations over to Executive Director Joyce Sandersfeld, who quickly scrapped the idea of taking the show to a more southern entity and cut off ties with ESPN Deportes after they requested that the show be moved to Don Pablo's and all talent involved with the show drink Corona or Dos Equis.

"I know Shane very desperately wanted to make this show work in both Minneapolis and Mexico," said Joyce Sandersfeld, "but the demands of ESPN Deportes, the Mexican government and Shane's unpaid medical bill matter down there have made dealings with the our friends to the south very uncomfortable.

"It is too bad because Shane was confident that three spinoff shows to "El Gaucho Cornero Loco," were a sure-thing."

The first was a game show called "Hello Mati!!!" hosted by "The Professor," where a foreign janitor tries each week to make more friends than a random competitor. The second was called "Keepin' Cool With Coolies" where Steve Geller follows spring-breakers to local hot spots in Mexico and shows the viewer what they are missing. The show is sponsored by Cool Ranch Doritos and Geller must say "Stay Cool" 30 times per half-hour episode. The third show, "Gettin' Paid," starred funnyman Bob Swoverland as host. Swoverland goes to different hoods in Minneapolis/St. Paul and hands out money to the people representing their 'hood with the worst jokes.

Shane resumed control of the negotiations in late April and everything seemed to be in place except for the finalizing of the talent.

"It was a difficult hurdle to get over because much like the "Friends" series, you have a lot of unknowns who become overnight superstars," Sandersfeld said. "I knew I needed to act quickly to lock up Kyle "Cool Breeze" Coughlin, and Steve "Stellar" Geller before another pilot tried to sign them and fortunately I was able to do that. The hardest part was getting "Cornerman" and "The Professor" to jump back on board. They have "other interests" that yours truly, Stellar and Breeze don't have to contend with. I had to be flexible and I want to thank BW3 and the committee for allowing them to appear on a minimum of five shows to fulfill their contract. That part of the deal would never have been allowed had I not been able to sign "The Veteran" Kevin Coughlin back for one more season. Much like Roger Clemens, "Veteran's" contract cost me a pretty penny, but the show isn't the same without the core."

As host, Sandersfeld agreed to 13 shows in the fall, an NFL Playoff Preview in December or January, a NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Special in March and a NFL Draft Preview Special in April. Sandersfeld also gave way to two "random" specials which may occur any time between August '06 through April '07, but he did not agree to a NCAA Women's Basketball Tourney Special sponsored by Oxygen in May.

Other concessions made by both sides include Sandersfeld allowing the show to be re-named "The Corner" as part of "Wings & Thangs Thursday" and despite BW3 not wanting to bring back secondary sponsors, Sandersfeld was able to get Stinky's Pub back for a second-straight year and he negotiated a sponsorship with Masterlock for each of the talent's pick of the week. Sandersfeld failed to negotiate a deal allowing the talent to pick their waitress. He also would not disclose who may be make "special guest appearances" in 2006-07.

In a separate deal, Sandersfeld also negotiated a food sponsorship with BW3 thru 2008 to be the primary commercial vendor for the very popular "KC's Draft Party!!

Boom Goes The Dynamite Softball Signs Tyler Thomson to Amateur Tryout Contract

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) to an amateur tryout contract. Thomson, a 35-year-old power hitter and MVP of the 2005 Rodents vs. Chipmunks inter-office softball game, agreed to terms with team president and manager Steve “Peanut Butter and” Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We’re excited about the acquisition of Tyler Thomson,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “We scouted him during the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last season and liked what we saw. We initially were going to go after designated hitter Luciano Battaglini, but team management was scared off by the possible language barrier. We don’t have anybody that speaks Latin or Spanish or Brazilian or whatever language it is that he speaks. Inevitably, we settled on Thomson. He’ll do.”

Thomson has been penciled in to start in center field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Beer Goggles tonight in Minneapolis.

“I’m thrilled with the opportunity to show my stuff,” Thomson said. “Brooke Sawyer’s team [Yep] turned me down during the offseason and I haven’t forgotten about that. I’m going to show them they made a huge mistake. I know they balked at picking me up when I struggled on the Wonderlic test during the combine. I was tired that morning, man. I got home late the night before from a recruiting trip in Bangladesh and Myanmar. Those Bangladeshi chicks can play some mean tennis.”

Thomson joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Keiser, oft-injured grizzled veteran Kyle Coughlin, Division I softball veterans Andrea Smith and Alicia Jerome, team cancer Michael H. Lochrem, token short people Casey Kurtt and Emily Wood, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and up-and-coming rookie Tory Kukowski.

Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Dedicates Season to Shane Sandersfeld

Boom Goes the Dynamite, a second-year slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced that its 2006 Cities Sports Connection will be dedicated to the now-defunct and former left fielder “Sugar” Shane Sandersfeld. Boom Goes the Dynamite team president and manager Steve “Yuri” Geller, fresh off an appearance with the Israeli National Team at the World Baseball Classic, made the announcement during an online broadcast of Golden Gopher Baseball on gophersports.com.

“I would like to proclaim that the 2006 campaign will hereby be known as ‘The Sandersfeld Season’ or ‘The Season We Don’t Have to Witness Two Foul-Outs in the Same Game by Our Supposed Best Power Hitter,’” Geller said. “The first motto is catchy, but the second one is a little more accurate. We’re proud to dedicate this season to Shane even if his dedication to Boom Goes the Dynamite was as fickle as a dandelion puff in the wind.”

A native of Williamsburg, Iowa, Sandersfeld injured his neck in a freak bodysurfing accident in Cancun, Mexico earlier this year, placing him on the All-Time Worst Athletic Communications Sporting Moments Hall of Fame, just behind last season’s inductee: Iggy the Parakeet Attack after a Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Game.

“Shan is broken. He no play soffetball,” Bierman Field Athletic Building janitor and Boom Goes the Dynamite team physician Mahadi Abbou Sammad said from the Bierman unisex bathroom. “Shan neck no good. I see him hurt bad and say ‘You no hit ball no more.’ He understand.”

As part of the season dedication to Sandersfeld, team members will don patches bearing the smiling mug of the lanky left fielder. Boom Goes the Dynamite will also donate all of its earnings to The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).

Casey Kurtt Going-Away Extravaganza Set for Thursday, Aug. 18

University of Minnesota volleyball and soccer administrative assistant Casey Kurtt's Going-Away Extravaganza has been set for Thursday, Aug. 18, at Sally's Saloon and Eatery after work hours and continuing until who-knows-when.

"Some know her as Casey Miller. Some know her as Casey Kurtt. And most don't have a clue who the heck she is," head soccer coach Mikki Denney-Wright said. "Nevertheless, she's leaving the U, so why don't y'all come out and wish her good luck with cold beverages and greasy food?"

Casey Kurtt, formerly Casey Miller, is departing ICA for the greener pastures of student teaching at an elementary school in St. Louis Park, leaving newlywed husband and Athletic Communications staffer Kevin Kurtt with the frightening designation of "Sugar Daddy." Casey has worked with the Golden Gopher volleyball and soccer programs for nearly three years.

"We're sad to see Casey go, but frankly, she's just too short to be working with the volleyball team," volleyball head coach Mike Hebert said of the 5-1 1/4 Kurtt. "As she continues her work towards becoming an elementary school teacher, we're glad that she'll finally be seeing eye-to-eye with those with which she works."

"This has unquestionably been the greatest three years of my life," Kurtt said from a tear-inducing press conference at the Steak Knife. "While at the U, I met my husband, I led the volleyball team to two Final Fours and I kicked Kevin's butt in the Annual ICA Softball Game. What else do I have to accomplish?"

Kurtt's final day at ICA is August 18. Donations to the "First Couple of Bierman's Fund to Live on Kevin's Salary Alone" can be made in person in the Athletic Communications Office (cash and checks only).

Dynamite Softball: Coughlin Signed to 10-Day Contract; Sandersf*** to Sit Out in Protest

Longtime journeyman slow-pitch softball player Kyle Coughlin has signed a 10-day conditional contract with Boom Goes The Dynamite, an expansion franchise in the CSC Wednesday Night League. Left fielder and resident hothead Shane Sandersf*** is sitting out tonight’s game in protest of team owner Steve Geller’s decision to sign Coughlin, citing “philosophical differences with Coughlin and his ilk.”

“We’re going to give Coughlin one chance to prove he won’t be an egomaniacal cancer to Boom Goes The Dynamite,” Geller said from a sparsely-attended press conference at Kafé 421. “We’ve had reports from Coughlin’s colleagues that he’s vastly overrated, but our director of scouting Jeff Keiser says that Coughlin has turned a corner in his attitude and durability. ”

When asked about Sandersf***’s high-profile protest, Geller added, “Mr. Sandersf*** needs to remember who runs this team. This is my team and I decide who plays and who doesn’t. If Sandersf*** continues this protest, he’s going to find himself third on the depth chart behind Good Times (Chris Jensen) and the recently released Mike Lundberg. Perhaps Mr. Sandersf*** is threatened by Coughlin and his ego, attitude and aging athletic ability.”

“I’m protesting Mr. Geller’s signing of Coughlin as I don’t believe that journeyman belongs on this team,” Sandersf*** said in a statement released by his public relations firm, Weber Shandwick. “His heart and passion for the game is questionable, and he’s about as durable as Ben Utecht. Maybe Coughlin is blowing smoke up Geller’s a** right now with his likable attitude and team-player rhetoric, but I for one am not buying it. I’ll end my protest when Geller apologizes to me and the team or when Coughlin is released.”

Boom Goes The Dynamite takes on The Real Deal tonight at 7:10 p.m., at McRae Park. An assortment of Kyle Coughlin clippings is included below:

2004 Season rospectus on Kyle Coughlin (4/3/04)
Thinks he’s better than everyone • most injury-prone player in the league • wily veteran • has shown a lack of heart during preseason • looks to replace Kevin Kurtt at shortstop.

Coughlin Says, “I’m Better Than You.” (4/15/04)
On the morning of April 9, 2004, unproven commodity Kyle Coughlin confided in two members of I’m With Stupid that, “I’m the best player on this team. Put me in any position and I’ll shine. It doesn’t matter. I’m better than you.”

Coughlin, an oft-injured journeyman, made his bold and unprecedented statement to Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser and General Manager Kevin Kurtt in Keiser’s palatial office. Coughlin’s comment was not well received and brings into question the type of players IWS will need to deal with in the locker room in the upcoming season.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Keiser said. “The guy is injured more than Anna Kournikova...and he has about as good a winning record as her, too. We already know about [Shane] Sandersf***’s questionable attitude on and off the field. Now we have to juggle the ballooning ego of Coughlin. It’s disgusting.”

“Let me just say this, Coughlin,” Kurtt added. “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. Now just what’s the matter with you?”

When reached for further comment, Coughlin referred to his meaningless hitting and fielding stats from his meager career at Robbinsdale Armstrong High School.

Coughlin Mulling Retirement (4/24/04)
Wily veteran Kyle Coughlin, 33, is reportedly mulling retirement after sustaining an ankle injury during Stupid's 14-4 win over Bullwinkles. Coughlin has missed the better part of the last five seasons with a multitude of questionable mild injuries. Team president Chris Bergren is also reportedly upset with Coughlin's refusal to restructure his contract.

“Coughlin is just picking up the pay check and not showing up. We need to see more commitment from that geezer”.

“The guy is a f****** pussy,” Shane Sandersf*** said via videophone. “The guy can flat out play but he is gutless. You never see Gell-Gell Cool J [Steve Geller] sitting out with a stubbed toe or a bent fingernail like Coughlin. Geller is a gamer.”

When reached for comment, Coughlin openly gave credence to the rumors. “I’m always mulling retirement. I’ve been mulling for eight years now. I’m like Brett Favre, except...wait, yeah I am addicted to painkillers.”

Slow-Pitch Softball Franchise Boom Goes The Dynamite Gets Wood

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.

“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”

Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”