Boom Gets Wood Again

Playoff-bound Boom Goes The Dynamite, the two-time defending CSC Softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.) to a 10-day tryout contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug, agreed to terms with team president, general manager, director of player personnel, chief scout and Fox 9 News personality Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) last week.

Wood was called up from the inactive list due to the expected absence of second baseman Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) and outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.). Jerome will be making money off of the dentally-challenged people of Arkansas, while Potter will be a chief organizer of the Tom Wistrcill Homecoming Celebration in Winona today.

"I was minding my own business in my spacious cubicle, when out of nowhere, Keiser comes running out of his office screaming, 'I got Wood! I got Wood!'" lame duck intern and wannabe Sooner Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said. "At first I thought he had popped some Viagra or Cialis, but then I realized that he was yelling about the acquisition of Snickers (Emily Wood). Phew."

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s playoff-opener against Foul Balls at 6:10 p.m., tonight at Lake Nokomis Diamond #7.

"Wood caught the eye of my scouts at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last month at Siebert Field," Keiser said. “From what I hear, that munchkin caught everything that came her way in right field. The crazy and possibly drunk secrataries in the press box gave her the game MVP award even though she was on the losing team. That was all the evidence I needed to welcome her back to Boom. Plus, we get rid of two of our biggest lazy-asses in Jerome and Potter. It's a win-win."

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Jim Praska,” Wood said from a sparse press conference from her dungeon-like office. “Having your name associated with Praska cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Keiser gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”

In other news, Boom is expected to welcome back first baseman and team hot-head Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) to the lineup tonight. Hardy missed Boom's regular season finale after having a good portion of her neck removed in the interest of science (edit: never mind; Hardy apparently was a legend at her elementary school; who knew?) . Also, Keiser just announced that one-time replacement slugger Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) will join the Boom Goes the Dynamite roster in an emergency fill-in role. Schroeder was added to the lineup when wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) stupidly scheduled a tee time for 1 p.m., in Chaska.

Slow-Pitch Softball Franchise Boom Goes The Dynamite Gets Wood

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.

“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”

Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”