A dream match-up between a pair of defending CSC League Champions turned into a spectator's nightmare last night as Lake Nokomis and Mother Nature unleashed a fury of fog to cloud what was a dominating 22-12 rout for Boom Goes the Dynamite over previously undefeated ERAC, a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers.
In fog-related news, a report of an abduction of right fielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) during the period of heavy fog proved to be unfounded.
"I turned around and Meghan was gone," second baseman and 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) said. "I saw nothing but fog. I thought for sure somebody grabbed her and ran. Frankly, I would have been glad if they had because she was playing like it was her junior season at North Dakota State when she batted .182."
Boom adjunct meteorologist Lori Noth of KARE-TV, wife of outfielder/catcher/craigslist victim/lawsuit plaintiff Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.), explained the reasons behind the formation of fog on the softball diamond. "It's about relative humidity and condensation nuclei, but really the fog last night was about covering up my husband's putrid play of late. I don't want my son to see those cheap-ass cleats, that girlie arm or those multiple strikeouts. Thank you fog."
When informed of her husband's 4-for-4, error-free 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week performance, Lori Noth refused to revise her earlier statement, saying only that "it must have been a fluke."
Boom Goes the Dynamite improved to 3-1 on the season in comeback fashion, helped largely by gargantuan home runs in the fourth inning by Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Following the game, ERAC refused to believe those round-trippers were the result of natural and legal causes.
"There's no way a short guy, a scrawny shortstop and a guy that swings at pitches over his head should be able to hit softballs that far," ERAC infielder Hector Escondido said. "Whether it's HGH, EPO or some bovine steroid, those guys are on the juice. Let's just say I have a call in to former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell."
"I can't speak for Kevin or Steve, but what you see here is 100 percent all-natural Keiser," the diminutive left fielder/catcher/husband of a wife that could kick his ass said. "Do you honestly think I'd be eating all those crappy salads and avoiding sugar like the plague if I was on steroids? Puh-leeze."
"My home run was about pure rage," Kurtt said. "Cooper wouldn't shut up. My mom kept telling me how bad I was playing. My dad was calling me Chuck Knoblauch. And Keiser said my bat was dead. Well, look at me now. Look at me now, bitches."
"I'm not here to talk about the past," Geller added.
In other controversial news, first baseman and resident hothead Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) successfully got in an argument with a CSC umpire for the third consecutive season when a limp-wristed throw by pitcher/journeyman/injury-prone/wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) to Hardy was broken up by the running of ERAC's second baseman.
"Honestly, is anyone surprised anymore when Lisa gets in an argument?" third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) said. "If Jesus Christ were a CSC umpire, Hardy would argue balls and strikes."
In other news, outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) earned this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award, reverting to his inning-ending, pop-up hitting self, further disappointing his real or imagined girlfriend in the process.
The rout of ERAC sets up another key mid-season match-up with league leader Cleveland Steamers (3-0), a team comprised of sexual deviants and refrigerator deliverymen. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces the Cleveland Steamers at 6 p.m., on Monday, May 14, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.
Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 63-33 through four games this season.
• Three players - Steve Geller, Jeff Keiser and Kevin Noth - made their first appearance of the season at catcher.
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller removed himself from the outfield with a sore elbow after doing his best impression of an inaccurate Jeff Keiser throw from the outfield.
- Andrea Smith suffered a mild concussion after misplaying a grounder at third base, allowing the ball to fly above her and land squarely on her head.
• Cooper had to take a hell of a bath after the game.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, , Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt - The Kurtts are now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Noticeably absent in the stands was early Superfan leader Laura Kurtt. Her mother was unabashedly disappointed in her only daughter.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (2 apps.) Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Beth Kurtt (1 app.), Jim Kurtt (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie - Maggie now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award
• Mascot standings: Cooper (4 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (1 app.)
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