The Kyle Coughlin Fence of Remembrance

Above is an actual photo of The Kyle Coughlin Fence of Remembrance (link).

Slowly-Weathering Section of Fence Reminding Area Man of Departed Colleague

A nondescript section of a slowly-weathering wooden fence on the north side of Highway 5 in Eden Prairie, Minn., is more than just a nondescript section of a slowly-weathering wooden fence to one former University of Minnesota Athletic Communications staffer. To Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), that section of fence is a twice-daily reminder of the absence of erstwhile coworker, now Big Ten Network Assignment Editor Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.).

"I drive that stretch of road twice every day, and I'm instantly reminded of Kyle every time I pass between Dell Road and Eden Prairie Road," Kurtt said. "I see the section of fence that Kyle was responsible for originally destroying and I can't help but think of him. My heart breaks a little more each day I see that fence and am reminded that Kyle is so far away now."

According to Eden Prairie Police documents obtained by Mr. Heavyfoot, Coughlin was involved in a car vs. fence accident on Highway 5 on February 23, 2007, resulting in the destruction of a section of fence along with some roadside shrubbery. The former U of M Interim Director of Athletic Communications was cited and later acquitted on charges of leaving the scene of an accident (MN Statute 169.09), reckless driving (MN Statute 169.13) and criminal stupidity (MN Statute 169.28) - for leaving the scene of an accident but also leaving his bumper with attached license plate at said accident scene.

A short time later, the fence was repaired with new, non-weathered wood, thanks to a settlement between Coughlin, the City of Eden Prairie and the Friedman family whose property lies adjacent to the damaged fence. Coughlin left the Twin Cities a few months later for Chicago to pursue a career in the television industry.

"It's amazing the memories that a slowly-weathering fence conjures up," Kurtt added. "I remember Kyle's amazing potato-sack racing ability (photo at left). I remember his softball performance as the wily veteran that he is (link). I remember him soaking his bloody leg in a kiddie pool after sliding into a wooden home plate (link). It's really sad to think that, in time, the weather will render that section of fence indistinguishable from the rest of the fence. So, too, will fade the memories if something is not done."

In an effort to permanently and officially establish the section of fence as a memorial to Coughlin, Kurtt has submitted a proposal to the Eden Prairie City Council to rename the fence the "Kyle Coughlin Fence of Remembrance."

"I know Kyle's not dead, but I just feel that something needs to be done to recognize Kyle for all that he brought to the Twin Cities area, namely a bad back, a weak heart, and an uncanny ability to spurn his job duties in favor of going golfing (link)," Kurtt said. "The Kyle Coughlin Fence of Remembrance is modeled after the Shane Sandersfeld Memorial MVP (link) or the Tory Kukowski Memorial Internship (link). It's a great honor. Just ask the still-living Shane and Tory. What else do we have to remember Kyle by? Well, aside from that awesome t-shirt, of course (photo at right)."

Kurtt's intentions to honor Coughlin with the Fence of Remembrance have brought mixed reactions from former coworkers. Shane Sandersfeld (Williamsburg, Iowa), a one-time neighbor of Coughlin's, has been a staunch opponent of Kurtt's proposal.

"I, too, drive Highway 5 twice a day, but due to my medical condition, I'm thankfully not able to turn my head to see that section of fence. But that's irrelevant. Kyle's gone. Let's move on and forget the guy. Once he sells his townhouse, I want nothing around to remind me of Kyle. I swear his realtor brother is just keeping that place on the market to taunt me."

Former coworker and golfing buddy Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) stood firmly in favor of the memorial fence proposal.

"When Kyle left, my world crashed," Keiser said while choking back tears. "Establishing the Kyle Coughlin Fence of Rememberance won't bring him back, but it will give me a place to go and reflect on just what Kyle meant to me."

When asked why Kurtt and Keiser don't just make a road trip to Chicago to visit Coughlin, they cited rising gas prices and disapproving wives who never really took a liking to Coughlin.

Coughlin was unavailable for comment as he took a day off from work to go golfing.

Bunt Sign Just an Excuse for Third Base Coach to Touch His Crotch

Members of Boom Goes the Dynamite are starting to think that the bunt sign is just an excuse for their third base coach to play with his crotch. Players say the coach, Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), calls the bunt sign five to six times per at bat, even though CSC league rules don’t allow for bunts.

“He’s got a problem, I think,” first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. “The first game we made four and five outs per game from illegal bunts. We finally caught onto it that he’s just playing with himself.”

Boom players confronted their coach to get him to change the bunt sign to something other than a touch to the crotch but he refused. “If I change it to something else, then it’s going to be really obvious that I can’t keep my hands off myself and I don’t need that embarrassment,” Coughlin admitted. “The only thing I’ll consider doing is making a tap to the crotch the indicator sign and then a full hand down the pants the bunt sign.”

Yorde Does Golf Results, Coughlin Goes Golfing

Providing further evidence that Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) is blatantly mailing it in in his final days as interim director of the University of Minnesota Athletic Communications office, rookie student worker Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) is currently updating months-old golf results on gophersports.com, while Coughlin is out golfing. This development comes just days after Coughlin forced Associate Director of Athletic Communications Shane Sandersfeld (Williamsburg, Iowa) to handle men's golf results from the NCAA Championships in favor of getting drunk in Worthington, Minn.

"I'm just doing my job," Yorde said after singing the Michigan State fight song. "That's more than I can say for Mr. Coughlin. Then again, maybe his golf outing will yield some big things for this office. I'm sure there's a business-related reason for him to go golfing on a Monday. Why else would I be doing golf results that should have been on the website months ago?"

Coughlin left the office around 11:30 a.m., instructing Yorde to update golf results from the 2007 season without instructing Yorde on how to update golf results from the 2007 season. Allegedly, Coughlin did not educate Yorde on the process of updating the website because he has no idea how to do it himself.

"I'm not sure he knows what gophersports.com is," intern extraordinaire Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said after training Yorde on the intricasies of the XOS-run website. "He's damn good at text messaging and IM'ing, but I don't think he has a clue about our website."

Reached at the fourth hole of Chaska Town Course, Coughlin brushed away any criticism on why a helpless student worker is spending her summer vacation making $4.75 an hour doing his job while he is enjoying a sunny day on the golf course. "I'm working on my power fade and my short game, not irrelevant golf results. What I'm really doing is preparing Kristine for a bright future in the athletic communications industry. She should be thanking me. F***, I'm in the trees again."

In addition to allegedly spurning his duties as Golden Gopher golf contact, Coughlin is also expected to miss Boom Goes the Dynamite's playoff opener tonight against Foul Balls, thanks to his 1 p.m., tee time. Team management is certainly not pleased with Coughlin's me-first attitude, and is exploring the language in Coughlin's contract in a possible effort to void the oft-injured infielder's deal with the two-time defending CSC Champions.

Dynamite Softball: Coughlin Signed to 10-Day Contract; Sandersf*** to Sit Out in Protest

Longtime journeyman slow-pitch softball player Kyle Coughlin has signed a 10-day conditional contract with Boom Goes The Dynamite, an expansion franchise in the CSC Wednesday Night League. Left fielder and resident hothead Shane Sandersf*** is sitting out tonight’s game in protest of team owner Steve Geller’s decision to sign Coughlin, citing “philosophical differences with Coughlin and his ilk.”

“We’re going to give Coughlin one chance to prove he won’t be an egomaniacal cancer to Boom Goes The Dynamite,” Geller said from a sparsely-attended press conference at Kafé 421. “We’ve had reports from Coughlin’s colleagues that he’s vastly overrated, but our director of scouting Jeff Keiser says that Coughlin has turned a corner in his attitude and durability. ”

When asked about Sandersf***’s high-profile protest, Geller added, “Mr. Sandersf*** needs to remember who runs this team. This is my team and I decide who plays and who doesn’t. If Sandersf*** continues this protest, he’s going to find himself third on the depth chart behind Good Times (Chris Jensen) and the recently released Mike Lundberg. Perhaps Mr. Sandersf*** is threatened by Coughlin and his ego, attitude and aging athletic ability.”

“I’m protesting Mr. Geller’s signing of Coughlin as I don’t believe that journeyman belongs on this team,” Sandersf*** said in a statement released by his public relations firm, Weber Shandwick. “His heart and passion for the game is questionable, and he’s about as durable as Ben Utecht. Maybe Coughlin is blowing smoke up Geller’s a** right now with his likable attitude and team-player rhetoric, but I for one am not buying it. I’ll end my protest when Geller apologizes to me and the team or when Coughlin is released.”

Boom Goes The Dynamite takes on The Real Deal tonight at 7:10 p.m., at McRae Park. An assortment of Kyle Coughlin clippings is included below:

2004 Season rospectus on Kyle Coughlin (4/3/04)
Thinks he’s better than everyone • most injury-prone player in the league • wily veteran • has shown a lack of heart during preseason • looks to replace Kevin Kurtt at shortstop.

Coughlin Says, “I’m Better Than You.” (4/15/04)
On the morning of April 9, 2004, unproven commodity Kyle Coughlin confided in two members of I’m With Stupid that, “I’m the best player on this team. Put me in any position and I’ll shine. It doesn’t matter. I’m better than you.”

Coughlin, an oft-injured journeyman, made his bold and unprecedented statement to Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser and General Manager Kevin Kurtt in Keiser’s palatial office. Coughlin’s comment was not well received and brings into question the type of players IWS will need to deal with in the locker room in the upcoming season.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Keiser said. “The guy is injured more than Anna Kournikova...and he has about as good a winning record as her, too. We already know about [Shane] Sandersf***’s questionable attitude on and off the field. Now we have to juggle the ballooning ego of Coughlin. It’s disgusting.”

“Let me just say this, Coughlin,” Kurtt added. “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. Now just what’s the matter with you?”

When reached for further comment, Coughlin referred to his meaningless hitting and fielding stats from his meager career at Robbinsdale Armstrong High School.

Coughlin Mulling Retirement (4/24/04)
Wily veteran Kyle Coughlin, 33, is reportedly mulling retirement after sustaining an ankle injury during Stupid's 14-4 win over Bullwinkles. Coughlin has missed the better part of the last five seasons with a multitude of questionable mild injuries. Team president Chris Bergren is also reportedly upset with Coughlin's refusal to restructure his contract.

“Coughlin is just picking up the pay check and not showing up. We need to see more commitment from that geezer”.

“The guy is a f****** pussy,” Shane Sandersf*** said via videophone. “The guy can flat out play but he is gutless. You never see Gell-Gell Cool J [Steve Geller] sitting out with a stubbed toe or a bent fingernail like Coughlin. Geller is a gamer.”

When reached for comment, Coughlin openly gave credence to the rumors. “I’m always mulling retirement. I’ve been mulling for eight years now. I’m like Brett Favre, except...wait, yeah I am addicted to painkillers.”

Kyle Coughlin Ends World Hunger, Cures Cancer

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that University of Minnesota Associate Media Relations Director Kyle Coughlin has ended world hunger and discovered a cure for all forms of cancer. Coughlin, 31, made the momentous breakthroughs shortly after finishing his Krispy Kreme doughnut today in Minneapolis, Minn.

“We are pleased to announce that Kyle Coughlin put a stop to world hunger today,” Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland, WHO Director-Chairman, said at a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland. “Mr. Coughlin has saved countless lives, especially in the worst-affected countries of Malawi, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Lesotho, Bangladesh and Swaziland. Without the work done by this relative unknown in the area of world hunger, as many as 780 million of the world's people would have lacked access to adequate food and nutrition.”

“This morning, Kyle Coughlin cured cancer,” Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC Director, announced today. “No more questions.”

The breakthroughs come at a time with many uncertainties at Coughlin’s workplace – University of Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletics Media Relations. Prior to his advances in hunger and cancer research, Coughlin was arguing that the football team allow him to travel to Columbus, Ohio for Minnesota’s nationally-televised game against Ohio State.

“Yeah, I thought it was necessary for me to travel with the team, given my wealth and breadth of experience in athletic media relations,” Coughlin said. “But now, with me curing cancer and ending world hunger, it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to go to Ohio anymore.”

Media staff members agree that Coughlin does not need to make the trip to Columbus.

“The guy’s a star in the medical research field,” Publications Coordinator Jeff Keiser said. “What the hell is he doing in media relations?”

“I honestly didn’t think he had the ability to end world hunger and put a stop to the horrors of cancer, but obviously I was wrong,” coworker Kevin Kurtt said. “I can only hope that Shane [Sandersf***] and I perform up to his level in Columbus this weekend.”

“Now that I got that cancer thing out of the way, I’m going to devote my time to finding the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,” Coughlin declared. “I’d also like to send a message to Osama bin Laden. I’m coming for you. Watch your back.”