Worst Throw in Softball History to Result in Amputation of Keiser’s Arm

Boom Goes the Dynamite Assistant General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) will undergo a surgical procedure to amputate his right arm on Friday after the left fielder made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history last night in Boom’s 15-1 win over Lookin’ to Score. Attempting to make a throw to home plate, Keiser instead heaved the ball 15 feet over catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and into the ivy covering the backstop. Keiser’s right elbow promptly fell to the grass in left field, while shards of his ulnar nerve were spotted in the ivied backstop, precipitating tomorrow’s amputation.

“Jeff Keiser sustained a Class IV injury to his right elbow last night,” team physician and May Teammate of the Month Mahdi Abbou Sammad said. “My surgical team will work diligently to preserve Mr. Keiser’s quality of life, but he didn’t do himself any favors by making that horrendous throw. He no throw good and he now hurt bad. In related news, I’d like to announce that the amputation will be broadcast live on this week’s episode of Hello Mahdi!”

Keiser, an original member of the Boom Goes the Dynamite softball franchise, will be cared for at his Plymouth, Minn., home by all-star caregiver Joyce Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa). The mother of now-defunct Shane Sandersf***, a former power hitter and below-average outfielder, will see to all of Keiser’s daily needs, including bathing, feeding and defecating, clearing the way for Keiser’s wife to continue to train for the 47 marathons that she will be competing in this summer.

“It’s a shame that he’ll lose his arm, but he kinda deserves it if you ask me,” wily veteran Kyle “Turn Your Head And” Coughlin said. “I mean, did you see that god-awful throw? He allowed their only run to cross the plate. It’s embarrassing. I’m glad they’re cutting his arm off. Serves him right.”