Miller Daughters' Bellies Expanding at an Alarming Rate

Independent reports out of Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park, Minn., indicate that the bellies of sisters Casey Kurtt and Molly Casey, are expanding at an alarming rate. Casey, 28, and Molly, 26, the pregnant daughters of Mike and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., are due to give birth on Nov. 4 and 27, respectively.

Casey (pictured above at left) is beginning to resemble a whiter, shorter, livelier Kirby Puckett, while Molly (pictured above at right) looks as though she's gone from sporting an athletic six-pack to a 7.75 gallon pony keg.

The pregnant sisters' weight gain has garnered attention from several sources, ranging from family members to local businesses to area air traffic controllers. Grocery stores in Carver and Hennepin counties have been the most outspoken on the impact the ever-expanding bellies of Casey and Molly have had on business.

"Our supply and demand was doing just fine in the first quarter of 2007," Cub Food Midwest Region Vice President Brad Storch said. "But beginning in late winter and early spring, we experienced vast food shortages at our Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park locations. We had no idea what was going on, so we went to our security camera footage. There it was, clear as day - Mrs. Kurtt and Mrs. Casey waddling into Cub Foods Chanhassen and Cub Foods Brooklyn Park and proceeding to clear us out of countless food products. Since then, we've made some adjustments to our inventory. Let's just say we're stocking Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Slim Jims and Oh Boy! Oberto at record levels right now."

Close relatives of Casey and Molly have also noticed the exponential growth of the young women's bellies. Husbands Kevin Kurtt and Kyle Casey have done their best to help their lovely wives during this period of unchecked expanding, reportedly putting on a few belly pounds of their own during their wives' pregnancies.

"It's true, Kevin has put on some weight since I started ballooning like a, well, like a balloon," Casey said. "But he's just using sympathy weight as an excuse to be a lazy ass."

Kyle denied the reports on his weight gain.

"Let me just say that I am not, nor will I ever be, fat. I may be bald. I may have big teeth. But i am not letting myself go like Molly and Casey have."

The youngest Miller daughter, Jesse Miller, appears to be jealous of her older sisters' pregnancy and/or weight gain, so much so that the soon-to-be former resident of Chanhassen has been doing her best to gain weight by utilizing a program that features eating terribly while exerting as little effort as is humanly possible.

"I'm not sure if Jesse is trying to match our weight gain or if she's trying to look like a pre-Jenny Craig Kirstie Alley," Molly said. "She's well on her way, though, with her steady diet of pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, tater tots and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Mix in her hermit-like lifestyle and pretty soon our bellies won't be able to hold a candle to Jesse's gut. Fat girl in a little coat indeed."

Maggie Miller the oldest daughter of Mike and Mary has taken an entirely different angle on Casey and Molly's expanding bellies.

"Our uncle Mike (Maloney) finally has some competition in the belly category. He's been strutting around extolling the virtues of Jimmy (the pseudonym for Maloney's belly) for far too long. 'Jimmy and I ran a marathon. Jimmy and I did this. Jimmy and I did that.' I'm tired of hearing about Jimmy. It's nice that my two heifer sisters are stealing Jimmy's thunder."

For their part, Mike and Mary Miller have been supportive of their tubby daughters, despite their continued confusion that Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last (link).

"When Mary and I heard that Casey was pregnant, we thought we finally had a sure-fire way to figure out which daughter we were talking to," Mike said. "We were just going to refer to Casey as 'the pregnant one' or 'the fat one.' Well, then Kyle went ahead and got Molly knocked up and we're back to confusion central. Throw into the mix the fact that Jesse is eating like Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, and gaining weight like a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith and we're stuck with three daughters with expanding bellies. This is all too confusing. Thank God our unemployed daughter Maggie is still as svelte as ever."

Casey Kurtt Prepares for Final Softball Game of Illustrious Career

The end of an era takes place tonight at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Veteran catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) announced this morning that tonight's playoff game(s) will be the last of the diminutive hustler's illustrious career with slow-pitch softball franchises Boom Goes the Dynamite, I'm With Stupid and Gas on the Fire. Kurtt hangs up her cleats after a five-year career, citing an ever-expanding belly, increasingly sore pelvic ligaments and a general growing of a nesting instinct as the knocked-up wife of shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) enters her fifth month of pregnancy.

"I had a good run even though this damn team takes the game and itself way too seriously," Kurtt said from a well-attended press conference at Hot Mama in Edina. "When I think of all I accomplished during my time with this franchise, it makes me want to throw up. Wait, maybe that's the morning sickness. Excuse me..."

Kurtt signed with the legendary franchise during its infancy in the spring of 2003. Then Casey Miller, the former star swimmer at Stillwater Area High School and the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire was acquired by then-general manager and team president Kevin Kurtt in his attempt to get her to notice his extensive athletic prowess, well-toned musculature and overall great-guy qualities, while hoping she would overlook his tendency to exaggerate.

"I'll be brutally honest," Kevin Kurtt said while holding Casey's hair during a fit of nausea. "At the time, I didn't care a bit about her softball ability. I was just trying to get a date - not a small feat to anybody that knows me. It turned out that she was one of our best players and she astonishingly found me fetching. It was like one of those sappy Kevin Costner movies."

After briefly leaving Gas on the Fire to pursue a Master's degree at the University of Minnesota, Casey returned to the lineup to help Gas to a Session II record of 4-4, earning All-Rookie Team honors in the process. The following season with I'm With Stupid, Casey led the league's females in hitting with a .673 batting average, while continuing to stun onlookers by "under-kicking her coverage" by staying with and eventually getting engaged to Kevin.

"The 2004 campaign was a banner year for me," Casey said. "The least of my accomplishments was getting engaged. I mean, I carried that team with my hitting, I taught Lizzy (Bergren) how to throw, I signed Jeff and Jazz (Leach) to bargain basement contracts, and I finally came to terms with my lisp. Yeah, it was a good year."

Casey's 2005 softball season was overshadowed by the Kurtts' kick-ass May wedding, ensuing honeymoon, and Casey's decision to leave her God-forsaken job as an administrative assistant for volleyball and soccer at the University of Minnesota. The 2005 season also saw I'm With Stupid become Boom Goes the Dynamite, a move that would change the landscape of low-level coed slow-pitch softball for years to come.

That season also saw the newlyweds contemplate an annulment of their marriage after a tense game in which the Kurtts were paired at the middle infield positions. "I don't know whose idea it was to put me at second base with Kevin playing shortstop," Casey recalled. "He can be a real bastard out there. He called me off a pop fly that I was going to catch easily, and what does he do? The clown trips over his own feet and drops the ball, allowing Weber Shandwick to score. Then he had the audacity to yell at me for not letting him catch every ball hit within a 100-foot radius of him. Yeah, I threw my ring at him and I don't regret it to this day."

The 2006 campaign saw Casey pursue a career as an elementary school teacher, precipitating her departure from the Boom Goes the Dynamite roster. Perhaps not coincidentally, the franchise captured back-to-back CSC Championships in Casey's absence.

"It was good to take a break from the team," Casey said. "I mean, they took wins and losses as seriously as Shane at a sports book in Vegas. The t-shirts, the press releases, the game notes. I mean, c'mon, get a life."

This season, Casey has endured a rollercoaster season while seeing her belly expand to Kirby Puckett-like levels.

"It's been tough," Casey said. "I don't think anybody has noticed, but I've been puking in between pitches and hitting the port-a-pottie every chance I get. My fielding has waned because my balance is out of whack, but all this extra weight has translated into some damn good power this season. That must be why Kevin is hitting so well this year. He calls it 'sympathy weight.' I call it being a fat ass."

Team management and Boom players reportedly have a retirement party slated following tonight's final contest when Casey is expected to receive a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a case of Miller Lite, a supply of Huggies and an invitation to play in Tuesday night's season-opening game at the U of M West Bank Fields.

"I'm going to miss having another short person around here," third baseman Andrea Smith said.

"Her hustle is going to be missed. Wish I could say the same about (Lisa) Hardy," team president Jeff Keiser said.

"I'm not going to miss that strike zone," opposing pitchers said.

"I'm going to miss that little ass shake she does at the plate," her husband said.

"Thanks for the memories, Casey," team management said in a statement. "And thanks for letting Kevin out-kick his coverage. Why you married him is beyond us."

Casey Kurtt Going-Away Extravaganza Set for Thursday, Aug. 18

University of Minnesota volleyball and soccer administrative assistant Casey Kurtt's Going-Away Extravaganza has been set for Thursday, Aug. 18, at Sally's Saloon and Eatery after work hours and continuing until who-knows-when.

"Some know her as Casey Miller. Some know her as Casey Kurtt. And most don't have a clue who the heck she is," head soccer coach Mikki Denney-Wright said. "Nevertheless, she's leaving the U, so why don't y'all come out and wish her good luck with cold beverages and greasy food?"

Casey Kurtt, formerly Casey Miller, is departing ICA for the greener pastures of student teaching at an elementary school in St. Louis Park, leaving newlywed husband and Athletic Communications staffer Kevin Kurtt with the frightening designation of "Sugar Daddy." Casey has worked with the Golden Gopher volleyball and soccer programs for nearly three years.

"We're sad to see Casey go, but frankly, she's just too short to be working with the volleyball team," volleyball head coach Mike Hebert said of the 5-1 1/4 Kurtt. "As she continues her work towards becoming an elementary school teacher, we're glad that she'll finally be seeing eye-to-eye with those with which she works."

"This has unquestionably been the greatest three years of my life," Kurtt said from a tear-inducing press conference at the Steak Knife. "While at the U, I met my husband, I led the volleyball team to two Final Fours and I kicked Kevin's butt in the Annual ICA Softball Game. What else do I have to accomplish?"

Kurtt's final day at ICA is August 18. Donations to the "First Couple of Bierman's Fund to Live on Kevin's Salary Alone" can be made in person in the Athletic Communications Office (cash and checks only).

The Battle at Bolstad: Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational Set for May 13

Groom-to-be Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn./Edina HS/Univ. of Minnesota) is proud to announce the establishment of the 2005 Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational – dubbed The Battle at Bolstad – to be contested at the University of Minnesota Les Bolstad Golf Course in Falcon Heights, Minn., on Friday, May 13.

The Battle at Bolstad will feature 20 golfers from the families of Kurtt and bride-to-be Casey Miller, the Kurtt wedding party and the U of M Athletic Communications office.

“The Battle at Bolstad will clearly be the marquee event of the spring of 2005, not to mention the wedding weekend,” Kurtt said from a press conference at Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown. “True, several members of the playing field possess some questionable golf abilities. I’m talking to you Mike Lundberg, Jeff Leach, Steve Geller and Mike Maloney. Nevertheless, I expect the Battle at Bolstad to be a veritable cornucopia of mediocre golf on a mediocre course in celebration of what is sure to be a non-mediocre wedding.”

Tee times for the Battle at Bolstad will begin at 10 a.m., and continue every 10 minutes. Hole prizes will be awarded for longest drive, shortest drive, closest to hole, longest putt and more. Rates are $30 for general public and $25 for U of M students/staff. Carts are $26 (split between two players).

Playing Field for The 2005 Battle at Bolstad
Kevin Kurtt – Groom-to-Be
Jim Kurtt – Father of the Groom
Mike Miller – Father of the Bride
Chris Bergren – Co-Best Man
Mike Lundberg – Co-Best Man
Bill/Dave Hutton – Groomsman
Chris Read – Cousin of the Groom
Mike Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Tom Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Darren Utech – Uncle of the Bride
Mark Kearns – Uncle of the Bride
Marc Williams – Uncle of the Bride
Pat Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Jeff Keiser – Friend of Groom
Kyle Coughlin – Friend of Groom
Shane Sandersfeld – Friend of Groom
Steve Geller – Friend of Groom
Kyle Casey – Friend of Couple
Matt Kearns – Cousin of Bride

2005 Battle at Bolstad Motto
Sometimes I catch that three iron a little thin
and I've hooked my four iron
and hit flyers with the five
and shanked the six
and skulled the eight
and fatted the nine
and chili-dipped the wedge
and bladed the sand wedge
and then there's Mister Three-Putt.