“I don’t know what it is about that team…. They’re just…they’re just winners.” – Yep Outfielder
Boom Goes the Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, captured the 2006 Cities Sports Connection spring season championship on June 14, downing the Pot Belly Heroes 20-10 in the semifinals and the dynastic Yep 10-4 in the title game at the West Bank Softball Fields in Minneapolis.
With the championship, Boom completed its perfect season at 9-0 and overcame five years of softball futility to hang a banner in honor of the now-defunct former powerhitter Shane Sandersf*** and team president, manager and world traveler Steve Geller.
“We dedicated this season to Shane ‘Brokeneck’ Sandersf*** and always kept our mentor Steve ‘Coolies’ Geller in the back of our minds, but this title really goes out to all the Lundbergs, Potters, Moraleses, Leaches and Fridges that toiled in the infancy of this franchise,” charter franchise member and assistant to the traveling secretary Kevin Kurtt said. “Gone are the days of Mike Lundberg tripping over first base; or Qasar Nahasapeemapetilon rounding home; or Jeff Leach playing in boxers, his wife’s tank-top and dress socks; or Dave ‘Cheese’ Reidinger’s four straight whiffs; or Renee ‘The Fridge’ Holloway getting thrown out at first from left field; or getting attacked by escaped parakeets. LowEx, Gas and Stupid had their moments, but nothing will compare to the thrill of winning a championship with Boom Goes the Dynamite. Take that, Yellow Snow, McWalstein’s No-Talent Ass Clowns and Yep.”
For the season, Boom Softball outscored its opponents 153-64 for an average margin of victory of 9.89. Only two of its nine games went the regulation seven innings.
“I don’t know what it is about that team,” one of Yep’s outfielders actually said during the championship game. “They’re just…they’re just winners.”
“You better damn well believe we’re winners,” starting pitcher and seasoned journeyman Kyle Coughlin said. “I didn’t slide into a wooden home plate and rinse off my bloody leg in a kiddie pool just for fun. I didn’t go to the chiropractor every week just for my own health. I didn’t open up my jam-packed social calendar just for sh*ts and giggles. I signed up to win and that’s exactly what I did. Now I’ll probably mail it in and make up some injuries so I don’t have to play anymore. I got my ring. I owe this team nothing.”
“If you look at what this team went through to win the title, it’s really quite remarkable,” rookie outfielder and target of countless taunts from hecklers Kevin Noth said. “First, we lost Sandersf***, followed by team sparkplug Emily Wood to a wrist injury. Then, Geller bolted to play in a developmental league in Slovenia. That was a blow to our depth, but Coughlin stepped right in and kept his ERA under 2.00, ballooning his ego to unfathomable proportions. Next, Keiser made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history, resulting in his right elbow falling to the grass. Throw into the mix, Kurtt’s bloody leg, my bum ankle from a bizarre bike vs. squirrel accident, Michael H. Lochrem’s ill-conceived midseason retirement and Lisa Hardy’s refusal to run hard to first base, and the odds we stacked against us. But we pulled together and won, even with Cooper barking her head off, Tory Kukowski playing ‘through the wickets’ with numerous ground balls to the outfield and Jim and Beth Kurtt criticizing their son’s play every week.”
Boom Goes the Dynamite began the summer season last week with a forfeit win over Voodoo Posse. Tonight, Boom takes on Realty Executives (1-0) at 8:20 p.m., at Diamond #1 of the West Bank Softball Fields. Admission is free, but donations will be accepted for The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).
Following the season, Boom held its annual awards banquet in Geller’s office. A list of the team award winners is below.
2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Spring Season
Shane Sanderf*** Memorial MVP: Kevin “Bloody Leg” Kurtt
The Steak Knife Playoff MVP: “Big Swinging” Tory Kukowski
Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Andrea “The Attorney” Smith
Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Jeff “Elbow” Keiser
Lady Byng Leadership/Sportsmanship Award: Lisa “I Run Fast When I Want” Hardy
Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Lisa “Hit the Cut” Hardy/Kevin “Heckle Me” Noth
Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: “Messy” Steve Geller
The Blarney Most Improved Player: Lisa “My Mom’s Name is Pam” Hardy
Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Andrea “Dr. Dré” Smith
Library Bary & Grill Rookie of the Year: Alicia “The New Jerry” Jerome
Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Michelle “Gravy” Train
Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper
Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Emily “The Chicken and the” Hennen
Nick Joos Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Michael “Lockjaw” Lochrem
Cy Young: Kyle “Wily Veteran” Coughlin
Gold Glove: “A Slice of” Kevin Kurtt/Andrea “Smitty” Smith/Kyle “Seamus” Coughlin
Isiah Thomas Executive of the Year: Steve “Helen” Geller
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