These Cheese Doodles are Delicious!

It's NBA Draft night and we couldn't be less excited. We'd be exceptionally more excited if the guys in the above video were back again this year to heckle Stephen A. Smith.

"I am Stephen A. Smith and these cheese doodles are delicious."

"Quite frankly, I think if you gave me some more cheese doodles, I might have another one."

"I don't know what I'm going to say, but it's going to be so much more important than this."

"Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, SUCKS!"

"Everything I say is important. I'm Stephen A. Smith."

In other NBA Draft-related news:


Fourth Annual KC's Draft Party Set For Jamestown Villas on Thursday

The Royal Order of KC's Draft Party has announced the Fourth Annual KC's Draft Party on Thursday, June 28, at the Jamestown Villas Townhouse Complex in Eden Prairie, Minn. Festivities will begin at 6 p.m. at 18117 Settlers Way. Scheduled to appear are draft experts 'The Veteran', 'The Professor', 'Corner Man', and 'Steve Stellar'.

"We're excited about the lineup we've put together for the 2007 Party," KC's Draft Party Sergeant at Arms Shane Sandersfeld said. "We know our audience is familiar with many of these experts from 'Pick 'Em Corner' during the college football season and we expect them to bring the same amount of consistent mediocrity to the Draft Party."

All those attending the draft will be contacted to contribute sustenance or libations to the Party. KC's famous burgers will be served as well as K-Hill's scrumptous dessert bars. Please contact the Royal Order for Draft Party favorites and to RSVP.

Boom Nets First Win; Kukowski, Kurtt, Owens III Maimed

Boom Goes the Dynamite got off the proverbial schneid last night at the U of M West Bank Softball Fields, edging wonderfully-named Cobra Kai Dojo 9-8 to post its first win of the CSC Summer Season. Along the way, shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) took a ball to the face, outfielders Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) and Peyton Owens III (Richmond, Va.) collided in center field, delicate outfielder/third baseman Jeff Keiser (Avon Ct.) skinned his knee and bald outfielder Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) had his ego bruised after his team-leading third strikeout of the season, resulting in the most injury-filled contest since the 2003 campaign.

Boom (1-2) led for the majority of the evening, pulling away in the fifth and sixth innings, and used staunch defense from all over the field to snap a team-record three-game losing streak. The game was overshadowed, however, by the abundance of boo-boos, beginning with Noth's ego bruise in the second inning.

"Noth is going to have to hop on that bike of his and ride to the batting cages," aging slugger Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) said. "He struck out looking, for crying out loud. Looking! In slow-pitch softball! You're damn right I told Tory to aim for Noth when he actually got on the basepaths later in the game. Tory's liner just missed Noth, but mission accomplished. Noth learned his lesson."

Noth has now notched four strikeouts since the end of the 2006 season, most notably his K-by-whiff in the 2006 Summer Season Championship Game vs. then-archrival Yep [archive photo above right]. Keiser, Boom's general manager, is now actively shopping the strikeout-prone, balding, craigslist cleats-wearing new father [photo of Keiser working the phones at left].

The injuries continued in the fourth inning when Kukowski and Owens III collided in center field attempting to catch a long fly ball. Reports varied, but it appeared that Owens III yelled out, "I got this bitch!" as the ball came off the bat. Apparently, Kukowski didn't hear Owens III, resulting in the soon-to-be-former intern and the U of M Director of Life Skills smacking into each other just as the ball hit Kukowski's glove.

First responders to the scene reported tending to a dazed Kukowski, not surprising considering Owens III's considerable bulk. Owens III, meanwhile, was as upset as he was after receiving poor customer service at the Dinkytown Subway last year.

"You don't come up into my right center field thinkin' you're going to catch my fly balls," Owens III said. "This is Peyton N. Owens III's right center field. Not Peyton N. Owens, Jr. Not Peyton N. Owens, Sr. I'm the Third, bitch. Ya heard?"

"I don't care what Peyton says. This was my last game in a Boom uniform and I wasn't going to let some run-of-the-mill 10-day acquistion steal my thunder," a noticeably concussed Kukowski said after the game from The Corner Bar [photo at right]. "That was my ball. I guess I'm just used to having little miss lackadaisacal Meghan Potter in right center. She evidently hates to run, so she lets me go after everything.

"Peyton was a different story, but I wasn't going to back down just because he out-weighs me by 35 pounds. Yeah, I took a beat-down out there and I'm risking him busting up my cubicle like he did that Subway, but I don't give a damn. I'm out of this bitch in a week."

Two innings later, it was Boom's overconfident, well-fielding, poor-hitting shortstop, Kurtt, that felt the wrath of the softball. With runners on first and third with one out, a Cobra Kai Dojo player hit a grounder up the middle. Kurtt tracked to the ball to his left and put his glove down before the ball took a laws-of-physics-defying bounce straight up into the expecting father's cheekbone. Katie Fornasiere (Maple Grove, Minn.), the part-time infielder, full-time daughter of famous Minnesota assistant head coach Rob Fornasiere, picked up the ball for Kurtt as Cobra Kai Dojo players rounded the bases in utter disregard for the injured shortstop.

"This is the second time this summer my exceptionally attractive face has been hit with a softball," Kurtt said while icing his cheekbone with a bag of frozen corn. "First it was my wife (Casey) throwing a ball at me while I was looking away just because I said she was going to look like Kirby Puckett in a few months. And then this [photo of Kurtt assessing the damage at left]. What did I do to deserve this?"

"I'll tell you what he did to deserve a softball to the face," a still surprisingly calm and cool-headed Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. "It's karma. How many blog entries has he written that offer the least bit of criticism of him or his play on the softball field? Not a one. It's finally caught up to him. Kurtt, meet ball. Ball, meet Kurtt's face. Karma can be a bastard sometimes."

The final injury of the night came when Keiser went down to a knee to field a ground ball at third base. The razor-sharp infield dirt sliced open the general manager's knee, resulting in a predictably bad throw to Hardy at first base.

"It wasn't the least bit surprising that Keiser whined like a bitch when he saw blood on his knee," Geller said. "It was the usual 'This is worst cut EVER' stuff that we all just ignore now. But I'll give Keiser credit. At least he made an effort to make a play at third base. We yanked (starting third baseman Alicia) Jerome after she did three impressions of a bullfighter by letting grounders get by her. On her last ground ball, I swear I heard her yell 'Olé!' We knew then we had to make the switch to Keiser. What I can't understand, though, is how Keiser can somehow make a nice play on a hard-hit grounder at third, but miss routine grounder after routine grounder in left field. Bizarre."

In other injury-related news, Geller and third base coach SS (Williamsburg, Iowa) were treated for heat exhaustion and dehydration after the game. Both Geller and Sandersf*** [photo of a heat exhausted Sandersf*** at right] opted to wear pants on the hottest day of the year. To complement his Delaware Basketball shirt, Geller went with black pants on a sunny day. Sandersf***, meanwhile, chose to wear dress pants, further distancing himself from his hey-day as one of CSC's most revered softball players.

After a one-week layoff for the All-Star break, Boom will continue its 2007 CSC Summer Season with a contest against Sugar (3-0) on Tuesday, July 10 at 7:20 p.m., at Diamond #1.

In completely unrelated news, incoming Director of Athletic Communications Garry Bowman (Ann Arbor, Mich.) has announced the retention of Peyton N. Owens III as "Director of Life Skills for Steve Geller and Shane Sandersf***." Owens III will be expected to make doctor and dentist appointments, recruit, retain and reward nutritionists, personal trainers, housekeepers and driving instructors, find girlfriends, and basically serve as life coach for life skills-deficient Geller and Sandersf....

Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 141-106 in 12 games in the 2007 season.
• Student worker Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) was Boom's latest 10-day acquisition. Yorde struck out swinging in her first at-bat, but went on to knock in two runs later in the contest. Yorde and Owens III are now eligible for the Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acqusition Award.
• Game umpire Brandon [last name redacted] all but doomed his chances at landing the Athletic Communications Assistant Creative Director position after making a sarcastic comment about Boom's first win following the game.
• Steve Geller added to his CSC all-sports record for nicknames last night when third base coach Shane Sandersf*** called the aging hurler "DJ Underground." Geller now owns 23 monikers, ahead of Sandersf***'s 14 and Kukowski's nine.
• Male Player of the Game: Tory Kukowski (Best performance of the season in his swan song game)
• Female Player of the Game: Katie Fornasiere (Look what I found! Twice!
• Goat of the Game: Alicia Jerome (Olé! Olé! Olé!)
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom
• Fan standings: Emily Wickstrom (3 appearances), Michelle Train (2 apps.), Katie Fornasiere (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Koda
• Mascot standings: Koda (2 appearances)

Today's Musical Guest: Joseph the French Beat Boxer

Before we bring you the latest update on the goings-on of Boom Goes the Dynamite softball (they finally won!), we thought we'd introduce you to Joseph, a beat boxer from the French version of American Idol - Nouvelle Star.

Not much to say about Joseph other than we tried to duplicate just a small portion of his routine and ended up drooling all over our shirt.

Brian Bellows, Superstar

We're on a bit of a run with hockey videos, so we thought we'd bring back the legendary film of Minnesota North Star Bryan Bellows getting mercilessly heckled by Pittsburgh Penguins Kevin Stevens and Brian Trottier during the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. The video is about a year old and is definitely not safe for your sterile work environments, but is oddly addicting. We can't stop watching this and we don't know why.

The ratings for the NHL would be drastically better if this bench cam (with audio!) was a part of every NHL telecast. We've spent plenty of time on hockey benches during NCAA games and can assure you that what you see and hear in this video is by no means rare.

We're assuming that earlier in the game, Bellows may have faked an injury in an effort to draw a penalty or something. Evidently, Stevens and Trottier didn't take too kindly to Bellows' acting, resulting in the following, ahem, conversation.

Stevens: Get off the f***ing ice, you f****t!
Stevens: Bellows, you must be really hurt. Get off the ice. Get off the ice, you p***y.
Trottier: You're the best.
Bellows: Hey, you suck...
Trottier: You're the f***ing best.
Stevens: Lay on the ice like a little...
Trottier: You're the f***ing best, Bellows.
Stevens: You lay on the ice like a...
Trottier: You're a f***ing superstar.
Stevens: You lay on the...
Trottier: You're the f***ing best, Bellows.
Stevens: You lay on the ice like a little...You lay on the ice like a fraud, Bellows. P***y!
Trottier: You f***ing woman.
Unknown: ...you f***ing puke...
Stevens: Get up, you f****t.
Trottier: You f***ing got balls, you f***ing tit f***er! (laughter)

"They've turned off the lights. BUT THAT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING!"

The above video is of the infamous Piestany Punch-Up. What is the Piestany Punch-Up, you ask? Well, it's a bench-clearing brawl between Canada (in white) and Russia (in red) at the 1987 World Junior Championships. Not surprisingly, it was the most violent melee in the history of international hockey.

The Soviets, out of medal contention, had nothing to lose. Team Canada was applying pressure, trying to increase a 4-2 lead and go for the gold medal. Then it happened. Canadian and Soviet players, fed up with the stickwork and running at each other, dropped their gloves and engaged in a 20 minute brawl that cleared the benches. With the fight out of control, the officials left the ice and the arena lights were shut off. The game was never resumed. Both teams were disqualified, and their records were erased.

Our personal favorite moments from the Canadian announcers call of the brawl:
• "They've turned off the lights! BUT THAT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING! THAT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING!"
• "I don't know how they are going to continue this game because in international hockey rules, this is NOT PERMITTED!"
• "I don't want to sound like a Homer..."

And Boom Goes the Hockey Player

It's Monday and we're starving for content, so here's a compilation video of some nice hockey hits from the 2006-07 NHL season. We're not embarrassed to call ourselves hockey fans at Mr. Heavyfoot. We'd be bigger fans if Gary Bettman would figure out that Versus is the network for the Tour de France, the America's Cup, various fishing rodeo shows, and the Great American Barbecue Cook-off, not the best professional hockey league in the world. We'd also be bigger fans if Versus was included on our Dish Network package.

Today's Musical Guest: Paul Potts

In an effort to prove that Mr. Heavyfoot isn't all about Boom Goes the Dynamite, Athletic Communications, Baby Kurtt or videos of children getting hurt/swearing/getting really hurt, we give you the above video from the reality television show Britain's Got Talent. Now we're not necessarily big fans of reality TV, but we know a good little heartwarming story when we see one, even if it does involve a chubby guy with really bad teeth (par for the course in England) singing opera.

Here's the background on the video from buddytv.com: "This was Paul Potts initial audition, but he actually went on to the finals and won the entire competition earlier this week. The voting wasn't even close; Paul won in a landslide....Adding to the legend, Paul Potts is an admittedly nervous man, lacks self-confidence, and was unsure if he would even show up for the auditions on that fateful day. He was over 30,000 pounds in debt prior to appearing on the show and didn't know if he'd ever sing opera again. Paul's luck has turned, however, and likely for good. The grand prize for winning Britain's Got Talent is 100,000 pounds, and not only does Paul receive the massive payday, but Simon Cowell immediately signed Potts to a recording contract on Simon's very own label."

Allegations of Game Fixing Surface as Boom's Losing Streak Reaches Three

Note: This post is here just so you, the Mr. Heavyfoot community, does not have to see Tory Kukowski's GQ-like photo when you open this page

Amidst its worst losing streak since the franchise was named Gas on the Fire, two-time CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite is embroiled in a game fixing scandal after losing 5-3 to the Voodoo Posse in questionable fashion this Tuesday at the West Bank Softball Complex.

Part-time Boom outfielder, full-time tanner Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.), two-time defending Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) and Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award hopeful Emily Wickstrom (Winona, Minn.) have been linked to a high-stakes gambling ring that has allegedly pre-ordained the results in Boom's last three games - all losses. Allegations of bribes paid to CSC officials, intentionally throwing games with poor on-field performances and events reminiscent of the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan saga have reportedly led to Boom being out-scored 32-19 in its last three games with Potter, Noth and Wickstrom pocketing upwards of $22 million in gambling receipts.

As part of his guilty plea to criminal charges of conspiracy and promoting gambling, former NHL star Rick Tocchet implicated Potter as one of his co-conspirators in his multi-million dollar sports bookmaking enterprise. Tocchet also named Janet Jones (Wayne Gretzky's wife) and the CSC Super Ump as part of his plea agreement.

"Ms. Potter played a huge role in arranging for Boom to lose its last three games," Tocchet said outside the Burlington County courthouse in Mount Holly, N.J. "She was instrumental in our plan to bribe that umpire who takes himself and slow-pitch softball way too seriously. The best part about it was Boom's team management, especially team president Jeff Keiser, thought all along that Super Ump was just incompetent. You think an umpire that wears ASA-approved umpire shirts, shorts and shoes in that joke of a league is going to make a mistake in a situation like that? (link) No way. The bribe worked perfectly. It was Ms. Potter's stroke of genius."

"Ms. Potter was also a major player in tanking games with her subpar performance on the field," Tochett added. "I mean, an All-Iron Range performer and 2003 Academic All-NCC honoree does not suddenly forget how to hit or catch. But you saw her in the last two games. She was making a mockery of Boom and its winning legacy. I'm shocked the authorities didn't figure this out sooner."

Reports have surfaced that Potter became involved in the gambling ring somewhat surreptitiously during her search for love among the nation's many arrogant hockey players.

"I had nothing to do with these gambling allegations," Potter said from happy hour at Billy's in St. Paul. "I'll admit that I came to know Mr. Tocchet through mutual friends in the hockey community, but when I learned that Mr. Tocchet was not only married, but really not all that arrogant, I cut all ties with him."

According to Tocchet, Noth was approached to help Tocchet and Potter throw Boom contests by pretending to revert to his pre-2007 play on the field. Prior to joining forces with the conspirators, Noth was one of Boom's top offensive performers this past spring, batting .780 in the playoff run before suddenly losing his ability to hit the ball out of the infield as Boom entered the summer session.

"I know Noth has a history of hitting under the Mendoza Line in the regular season before reinventing himself in the postseason, but there's no way he can be our best player one night and follow that up by hitting what looked like swinging bunts the next night," purple t-shirt wearer Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) said. "It's disappointing if these allegations are true. I never would have thought Noth would be involved in fixing games. Our team cancer, Kyle Coughlin, sure. But not Noth."

The final piece of the Tocchet gambling ring centers around a sordid tale involving Wickstrom and her pursuit of individual glory as one of Boom's top fans. According to Tocchet, Wickstrom became a scheming, hard-edged, jealous rival to Superfan Award winner Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) upon learning that Train had received 10 votes in the fan category to Wickstrom's one. Wickstrom allegedly employed some nefarious techniques to supplant Train as Boom's top supporter.

"Ms. Wickstrom was really angry that she got as many votes as Kevin Kurtt's dad (Jim Kurtt) in the Superfan voting," Tocchet said. "She told me that she was going to try to bump off Ms. Train by hiring well-known henchman Jeff Gillooly. When Gillooly swung and missed Ms. Train's knee, Ms. Wickstrom turned to me in an effort to get back at the voters on the Boom roster who voted for Traen.

"Seeing an opportunity to assure another Boom loss, I arranged for 10-day acquisition Aaron DeBerg to encounter some bad luck on the way to this Tuesday's game. With DeBerg in the hospital, Boom managed to scratch out only three runs. Pay day for me."

As a result of Tocchet's revelation of the involvement of Potter, Noth and Wickstrom in the gambling ring, New Jersey Attorney General Stuart Rabner and Criminal Justice Director Gregory A. Paw announced that they will be opening an investigation into all Boom Goes the Dynamite game results from April 2006 to June 2007. Rabner did not rule out the possibility that Boom's back-to-back CSC Championships could be wiped from the record books if evidence is found of wrongdoing as it relates to the Tocchet gambling enterprise.

Notes from Tuesday's game
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 132-98 in 11 games in the 2007 season.
• Fans in attendance: Katie Fornasiere, Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom
• Fan standings: Emily Wickstrom (2 appearances), Katie Fornasiere (1 app.), Michelle Train (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: None
• Mascot standings: Koda (1 appearance)

Introducing the Newest Member of the Heavyfoot Community

Mr. Heavyfoot is happy to announce that Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and knocked-up wife Casey Kurtt (Lakelands, Minn.) have reached the halfway point of their pregnancy as evidenced by the above and below images from a fetal ultrasound taken today in Waconia, Minn.

"The results are in from our ultrasound and we're excited to announce that it is, in fact, a baby," Casey said while heaving frisbees at their hyperactive dog, Cooper. "Kevin is convinced that he saw the little stinker's package to confirm what he wants to confirm that the baby is a boy. I'm not so sure though. Every time I pop in a Spice Girls CD at home, the baby kicks like crazy. That has to mean it's a girl...or a really feminine boy."

According to the Imaging Services staff at Ridgeview Medical Center, the baby is approximately 12 ounces in weight and is 20 weeks and 3 days developed, one day more than the original due date of Nov. 4. The baby's heart rate was clocked at about 146 bpm, while its muscular calves and big nose looked like Kevin's, its cute eyes and overbite looked like Casey's, and its activity level reminded some of Cooper.

Mr. Heavyfoot and the Kurtt family invite the Heavyfoot community to vote on what sex they think Baby Kurtt will be, keeping in mind that Kevin has already announced that the Kurtts will only be having boys.

Will Little Heavyfoot be a boy or a girl?
	Boy
	Girl
	I don't know
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Beer, Ping Pong and a Lot of Videotape

This video has been around the interweb for some time now, but well, we're hurting for content these days. Anyway, watch as pro skateboarder Billy Marks bounces ping pong balls into cups. Sounds riveting, we know, but imagine the dedication to come up with the various bouncy ideas, film them again and again until the ball finds the cup and then edit the hours and hours of footage you have. Just the sort of job for a pro skateboarder...or a college student.

To All Those Great Dads Out There

As an expecting father and the son of an awesome dad, we give you this tear-jerking (seriously, grab a Kleenex) music video of Dick & Rick Hoyt. Courtesy of SI's Rick Reilly: "Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars - all in the same day."

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You may not have pushed me in a wheelchair 85 times for 26.2 miles, but you've taught me what it means to be a truly great dad.

And now back to your regularly scheduled Mr. Heavyfoot content. This video has nothing to do with fathers, unless it was dad who taught this cute little girl those cute little phrases.

2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Spring Season

Shane Sanderfeld Memorial MVP: Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Kevin Noth)
- Comments on KK: "at least one of us is a consistently good player," "but not quite as good as Cleveland Steamers shortstop"
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy (2), Alicia Jerome, Jeff Keiser, Andrea Smith

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Lisa Hardy)
- Comment on Noth: "lifetime playoff batting average of .780 and regular season average of .190"
- Also receiving votes: Jeff Keiser, Casey Kurtt, Kevin Kurtt, N/A

Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Casey Kurtt (runner-up: Andrea Smith)
- Comments on CK: "you can't replace effort," "played consistently pretty much every week and protected the future of the Kurtt family with the exception of one play"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin, Kevin Kurtt, Kevin Noth, Matt Schroeder, Anne Strong, Emily Wood

Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Steve Geller)
- Comment on KK: "the most consistent hitter on a team of inconsistent hitting guys"
- Also receiving votes: Kevin Noth (2), Kyle Coughlin, Emily Hennen, Jeff Keiser, Tory Kukowski, Meghan Potter, Andrea Smith

Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award: Kevin Noth and Meghan Potter (runners-up: Lisa Hardy, Tory Kukowski, none)
- Comment on Noth: "showed the patience and understanding of a former substitute teacher"
- Also receiving votes: Andrea Smith, Emily Wood

Kyle Coughlin Interim Director Leadership Award: Jeff Keiser (runner-up: Lisa Hardy)
- Comment on Keiser: "not quite 23-0 like Steve Geller was last year, but we have made the semis or further for three straight years now"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin, Koda, Casey Kurtt, Andrea Smith

Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Emily Wood (runner-up: Jeff Keiser)
- Comments on Wood: "she deserves a piece of the award named after herself," "why would anyone else get it?"
- Also receiving votes: Tory Kukowski (2), Kyle Coughlin, Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom

Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: Lisa Hardy and Casey Kurtt (runners-up: Steve Geller and Andrea Smith)
- Comment on Casey: "who else would sacrifice the health of an unborn child?"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin, Kevin Kurtt, Matt Schroeder, Emily Wood

Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Tory Kukowski)
- Comments on Noth: "simply a breakout season," "actually showed up in the regular season and continued to be clutch in the playoffs"
- Also receiving votes: ???

Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Casey Kurtt (runner-up: Steve Geller)
- Comment on Casey: "when I think 'grit,' I think dirt and no one got down and dirty more than this girl"
- Also receiving votes: Alicia Jerome, Emily Wood

Library Bar & Grill Rookie of the Year: Meghan Potter (runner-up: Crissy Potter)
- Comments on Pottsie: "is anybody else even eligible?" "by default,"weak crop, a lot of talent but a disappointing ending to the first season; she did win Summit League Academic All-Conference honors though"
- Also receiving votes: Matt Schroeder, N/A

Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Michelle Train (runner-up: Cameron Noth)
- Comments on Train: "at every game despite a down year," "attended the Fog Bowl, enough said," "nearly received a ticket for not having Copper on a leash; that is dedication," "no contest; she almost got arrested for the Kurtt family; that's dedication!"
- Also receiving votes: Pam Hardy, Jim Kurtt, Emily Wickstrom

Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Maggie (runner-up: Cooper)
- Comments on Maggie: "who else would get it?" "docile; just what you'd want in a Boom mascot," come on, give it to her; she may not have many years left, dontcha know?"
- Also receiving votes: Koda (2), Emily Wickstrom

Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Emily Wood (runner-up: Matt Schroeder)
- Comments on Wood: "can we please sign her to a multi-year deal?" "wood for 10 days? seek immediate medical attention"
- Also receiving votes: Katie Fornasiere, Emily Hennen, Andrea Smith, Huh???

Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Jeff Keiser (runner-up: Tory Kukowski)
- Comments on Keiser: "too serious!" "for not tagging with one out!"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin, Steve Geller, Beth & Jim Kurtt, Kevin Kurtt, Laura Kurtt, Anne Strong, Team, Super-Ump, N/A

Cy Young, brought to you by Icy Hot: Kyle Coughlin & Steve Geller (runners-up: Jeff Keiser and Huh???)
- Comments on KC: "Geller is no longer effectively wild, he is just wild," "only because Geller walked so many people'
- Comments on Geller: "for somehow finishing with a winning record despite giving up a league record for walks," "thanks to a big push from the sponsor of this award who also signed Geller to an endorsement deal for his bum shoulder," "I like to say he's wild in the zone"

Gold Glove, presented by Isotoner: Kevin Kurtt, Andrea Smith and Lisa Hardy
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin (2), Kevin Noth (2), Steve Geller, Tory Kukowski, Casey Kurtt, Crissy Potter, Emily Wood

Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year: Jeff Keiser
- Comments on Keiser: "he at least looked into a league with outfield grass and fences," "I don't think any GM has been forced to pick up so many 10-day acquistions," "he is not as good of a slumlord as Shimanski, but he is learning"
- Also receiving votes: Steve Geller, Lisa Hardy, Michelle Train, No one ("had to win the championship")

Marvin Geller Lifetime Achivement Award: Casey Kurtt (runner-up: Shane Sandersfeld)
- Comment on Casey: "quite a way to end a career; please accept these lovely parting gifts"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin, Lisa Hardy, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Kevin Kurtt, Crissy Potter

Bobby Z’S Kodak Moments of the Year:
The Fog Bowl win over ERAC
KK’s 485-foot home run vs. ERAC
Geller’s t-shirts
Boom’s seventh inning in semifinals vs. Cleveland Steamers
Keiser’s meltdown in the playoff controversy vs. Cleveland Steamers
Noth falling down while running to first
Kevin Noth
Katie Fornasiere

The Steak Knife Bloopers of the Year:
Cooper and Train nearly getting arrested/Train getting asked if she had any warrants
Noth holding KK at 3rd base in playoffs in semifinals vs. Cleveland Steamers
Casey’s barrel roll, almost injuring unborn child
Keiser (and Geller) not knowing how many outs and getting picked off in quarterfinals vs. Yellow Snow
Alicia’s 2nd base play in quarters vs. Yellow Snow
Keiser running over Yellow Snow’s catcher in the quarterfinals
Noth buying $5 cleats off of craigslist
Geller walking nine vs. Foul Balls
Noth whiffing with wife and child in attendance vs. Yellow Snow in week two
Coughlin running the bases
Tory at the plate
Potter and Geller hitting into double plays in the same game vs. Outlawz
Potter getting thrown out (or tagged out) truing to reach second while walking…twice vs. Outlawz
Noth falling down while running to first
Noth falling on his ass after making a catch in the outfield
Kevin Noth

2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite First Session Players and Goats of the Game
4/16 Big Swingin - W, 19-6 (Male: Kyle Coughlin, Female: Meghan Potter, Goat: Jeff Keiser)
4/23 Yellow Snow - L, 5-13 (Male: Tory Kukowski, Female: Meghan Potter, Goat: The Team)
4/29 Lucky Strikes - W, 17-2 (Male: Jeff Keiser, Female: Andrea Smith, Goat: Kevin Noth)
5/7 ERAC - W, 22-10 (Male: Kevin Noth, Female: Alicia Jerome, Goat: Tory Kukowski)
5/14 Cleveland Steamers - L, 4-9 (Male: Kevin Kurtt, Female: Alicia Jerome, Goat: Meghan Potter)
5/21 Outlawz - W, 12-2 (Male: Kevin Kurtt, Female: Casey Kurtt, Goat: Meghan Potter)
6/4 Foul Balls - W, 24-11 (Male: Kevin Noth, Female: Emily Hennen, Goat: Steve Geller)
6/11 Yellow Snow - W, 13-11 (Male: Kyle Coughlin, Female: Casey Kurtt, Goat: Alicia Jerome)
6/11 Cleveland Steamers - L, 10-11 (Male: Kevin Noth, Female: Lisa Hardy, Goat: Super-Ump)

Most Awards Won
Casey Kurtt 4
Jeff Keiser 3
Kevin Kurtt 3
Kevin Noth 3

Most Times Runner-Up
Steve Geller 4
Lisa Hardy 4
Tory Kukowski 3

No Votes Received
Kate Baker, Mary Baker, Lisa Carlson, Lori Noth

RIP: Mr. Wizard

Another small piece of Mr. Heavyfoot's childhood has gone quietly into the night. Following such beloved legends as Mr. Hooper, Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo, Mr. Wizard (aka Don Herbert) passed away Tuesday at the age of 89. A native of Waconia, Minn., Mr. Wizard was easily one of our favorite shows, right along with "You Can't Do That on Television," "3-2-1 Contact," "The Electric Company" and of course "Captain Kangaroo" and "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."

Here's the obit from the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Rest in peace, Mr. Wizard. Bill Nye, the so-called Science Guy, can't hold a candle to you.

This Girl Owns and Manages a Sports Franchise

Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), younger sister of Boom Goes the Dynamite shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), is set to become the next in a long line of atrocious owners and general managers of sports franchises tonight when her expansion kickball team, The Kit Shickers, hits the field for its inaugural game. The Kit Shickers, a squad comprised of a bunch of people who don't know each other, faces Stop Drop and Roll tonight at 6:50 p.m., at Bassett's Creek Park Diamond #3.

"I'm excited to see my team in action," Kurtt said from her non-air conditioned Minneapolis apartment. "I've shelled out some big money to sign a bunch of former placekickers and punters to lucrative multi-year contracts. I expect immediate results for my investment. Otherwise, I may have to make some cuts and call my parents up from the retirement ranks. Believe me, I don't want to do that."

The kickball world is still buzzing from the surprising signings of Rick Gmitro and Julie Iskierka - two mediocre kickballers with a reputation for being team cancers on their former squads, The Recess Rejects and Ballsagna, respectively.

"Listen, I know I'm taking a risk by bringing on Gmitro and Iskierka," Kurtt said. "We're already looking for an out clause in Gmitro's contract due to some rumors of him being involved in a high-stakes gambling ring. Our lawyers are exploring our options. As far as Iskierka is concerned, we know of her history as an HGH (human-growth hormone) user. She's assured me that she's clean."

Players from up and down the Shickers roster are thrilled at the prospect of playing for an expansion franchise.

"I was a stud on the Concord Elementary School kickball fields," Jim Kohler said. "I'll admit my skills have waned since the third grade, but I can still kick me a mean ball."

"I haven't done anything remotely athletic since about 1999," Trent Ostman said. "So when Ms. Kurtt approached me with a one-year, $500,000 contract, I didn't hesitate. You think another team is going to offer me that sort of money? Ha!"

"I'm just excited to get out there and work on my tan," Lisa Carlson said.

Despite the general enthusiasm for creation of The Kit Shickers, some players have expressed disappointment in Kurtt's general lack of knowledge of kickball, in addition to her fiscal management skills.

"I've been playing this sport since I knew how to walk," Carol March said. "The roster that Kurtt has surrounded me with is a slap in the face to the years and years of dedication I have shown to kickball. I'm just glad I'm eligible for restricted free agency this fall. You're damn right I'll be keeping my options open."

"I'm not sure Kurtt knows what a kickball is and what it takes to win in this sport," Matt Hanson said. "I mean, she touted the acquisition of her five-months pregnant sister-in-law (Casey Kurtt) as a landmark deal in CSC Kickball League history. I don't think Laura has a clue what she's doing."

Kurtt remained blissfully unaware of growing criticism for her roster decisions.

"How stoked must my players be to call themselves a Kit Shicker? We're about to make history. When that first ball is kicked, people will remember our names. Now, can someone explain kickball rules to me? Is it like soccer?"

Steroids-a-Plenty Lineup Dooms Boom in Session II Opener

Two-time CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite opened Session II of the 2007 season last night with its worst loss since playing under the team name I'm With Stupid, falling 16-6 to Chicks with RAC's, a squad comprised of serial anabolic abusers, some guy's mom and Enterprise Rent-A-Car employees. Chicks belted several home runs, including two over the left field fence, to hand Boom its first two-game losing streak since 2005.

"I don't want to talk about it," pretty much everyone on the team said, resulting in this short press release.

Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 129-93 in 10 games in the 2007 season.
• Fans in attendance: Emily Wickstrom
• Fan standings: Emily Wickstrom (1 appearance)
• Mascots in attendance: Koda
• Mascot standings: Koda (1 appearance)

Ump Who Takes Himself Way Too Seriously Costs Boom a Title Shot

Boom Goes the Dynamite's quest for a third consecutive Cities Sports Connection Championship fell short Monday night when the lone CSC umpire who actually thinks his job is a big deal blew a call in an eventual 11-10 Boom loss to the Cleveland Steamers. Earlier in the night, Boom (6-3) edged hated archrival Yellow Snow, 13-11, to avenge an early-season loss and shut up Snow's annoying, is-he-wearing-a-toupee? third baseman.

Boom downed Yellow Snow despite some fielding, baserunning and coaching gaffes by veterans Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.), Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Jerome allowed a Snow rally to continue in the third inning when she displayed her typical lackadaisacal play by dropping a throw at second base from shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.). Jerome failed to redeem herself at the plate on Monday, going oh-fer the entire night.

"Her laissez-faire attitude out there is getting tiring," replacement outfielder Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) said. "It seems all she cares about is beating her dog and taking pictures of the Kurtt family. That pale girl needs to start taking this game as seriously as Keiser or that ump."

With Boom threatening to put the game on ice in the bottom of the fifth inning, Keiser and Geller displayed jaw-dropping absent-mindedness reminiscent of part-time outfielder, full-time caravaner Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.). With one out and the score tied at eight, Keiser stood at third base with part-time powerhitter Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) at the plate and Geller as third base coach. As Coughlin lifted a fly ball to right center field, Keiser headed for home with Geller failing to call him back to tag up. Predictably, Snow doubled-up Keiser at third, ending the rally and the inning.

"Oops," Keiser said. "If (Kevin) Noth was the third base coach, there's no question I would have known what to do."

Despite Jerome, Geller and Keiser's attempt to sabotage the quarterfinal contest, Boom held together, eventually shutting down the vaunted Yellow Snow offense. With the win, Boom ended Snow's season and thoroughly enjoyed the looks on Snow players in the handshake line.

"Remember the fourth inning when Keiser barrelled into their catcher?" a surprisingly argument-free Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. "That play was by design. We do not play to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A catcher confronts you, she is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."

The win over Yellow Snow set up a semifinal contest against the only other team to defeat Boom in 2007 - the undefeated and poorly-named Cleveland Steamers. A defensive struggle between two evenly-matched teams, the Steamers broke the game open in the bottom of the fifth inning with eight runs to take a 9-1 lead into the sixth. The rally hinged largely on errors by wily journeymen outfielders Coughlin and Noth.

"Coughlin let one get under his glove and Noth parked under a ball as it sailed over his head. That just can't happen," error-free outfielder Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.). "I'll give credit to Noth, though. He owned up to his mistake. Coughlin, on the other hand, had more excuses than there are hot chicks on this team. He blamed the sun, the grass, the non-existent fog, the wind off the lake, his father, a missed chiropractic appointment, Mr. Wistrcill, immigrants, NAFTA and Keiser. You don't see me using excuses for never getting on base, do you? Well, do you?!?"

The top of the sixth inning saw Kurtt open with a stand-up triple that should have been a stand-up home run if third base coach Noth knew the difference between the stop and go signs. Nevertheless, in what would turn out to be her final at-bat of her distinguished career, with-child catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) knocked in her husband with a single through the middle to make the score 9-2. From there, the knocked-up Kurtt was stranded on base as the Steamer shortstop with calves bigger than third baseman Andrea Smith's torso did his best human vacuum impression to end the inning.

The Steamers, the lone Cleveland team capable of winning a playoff game, added a run in the bottom of the sixth to own a 10-2 lead and set the stage for a legendary rally, a controversial call, a death threat and still no argument from Hardy.

With their gloves tucked away and thoughts turning to the 24-hour offseason, Boom put together a rally for the ages by playing loose for the first time in the contest. Using multiple extra-base hits and superb baserunning, Boom came all the way back to knot the game at 10-10 before that sonofabitch umpire decided to take the game's result into his own hands despite being in terrible position to make a call in a crucial situation that Tim Tschida would have struggled to make even though it was obvious the guy never caught the ball and the Steamers acted like he never caught the ball.

With one out and Hardy on second, Keiser hit a shallow fly ball to right centerfield where a Steamer dove, appeared to trap the ball, rolled and picked the ball up off the grass before coming to his feet. CSC ultra-serious umpire [name redacted] hesitated before astonishing Boom and its legions of fans by ruling the ball caught for the second out. Unethically and against all moral codes, the Steamers threw to second base to double-up Hardy who had run to third when she witnessed the trap and the loose ball. Cue Keiser.

"You've got to be f***ing kidding me, you f***ing c*******ing a*****!!!" Keiser was quoted as saying. "What the f*** are you f***ing looking at?!? F***! I know where you f***ing live, you fat f***!"

Keiser was later fined $50,000 by CSC for his comments. He is appealing.

Boom played the bottom half of the seventh inning in protest, but it was to no avail as the Steamers knocked in the winning run with a sacrifice fly to right field. The Steamers would go on to lose 16-15 to ERAC in the championship game.

On Tuesday morning, CSC announced the indefinite suspension of umpire [name withheld for fear that Keiser might hunt him down] for "failing to live up to the expectations CSC has set for our lone umpire who dresses in blue with umpire shorts and shoes and who seems to care about his job for this low-level, over-priced league."

Boom Goes the Dynamite opens Session II on Tuesday, June 12, with a contest against Chicks with RAC's at 8:20 p.m., at Diamond #1 of the University of Minnesota West Bank Softball Complex.

Notes
• Boom out-scored its opponents 123-77 in nine games in the first session season.
• Fans in attendance: Pam Hardy, Amber Hegland, Megan Higginbotham, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Laura Kurtt, Michelle Train
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (7 appearances), Pam Hardy (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (4 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Beth Kurtt (3 apps.), Jim Kurtt (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.), Amber Hegland (1 app.), Megan Higginbotham (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Koda, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (3 apps.), Koda (3 apps.)

An Homage to Brian Collins

A vast majority of Mr. Heavyfoot readers visit this site for updates on everyone's favorite slow-pitch softball team - Boom Goes the Dynamite, the two-time CSC Champion. Although one might be led to believe that the team is named after the powerhitting evident throughout the lineup, Boom actually is an homage to one of the greatest YouTube videos of all time.

With Boom's second session of the 2007 softball season set to begin tonight, we thought we'd reintroduce you to Brian Collins of the Ball State University student TV station. Our personal favorites of the video: "Oh no," "I'm so sorry" and "...passes it to the man...."

Take it away, Brian.

Casey Kurtt Prepares for Final Softball Game of Illustrious Career

The end of an era takes place tonight at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Veteran catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) announced this morning that tonight's playoff game(s) will be the last of the diminutive hustler's illustrious career with slow-pitch softball franchises Boom Goes the Dynamite, I'm With Stupid and Gas on the Fire. Kurtt hangs up her cleats after a five-year career, citing an ever-expanding belly, increasingly sore pelvic ligaments and a general growing of a nesting instinct as the knocked-up wife of shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) enters her fifth month of pregnancy.

"I had a good run even though this damn team takes the game and itself way too seriously," Kurtt said from a well-attended press conference at Hot Mama in Edina. "When I think of all I accomplished during my time with this franchise, it makes me want to throw up. Wait, maybe that's the morning sickness. Excuse me..."

Kurtt signed with the legendary franchise during its infancy in the spring of 2003. Then Casey Miller, the former star swimmer at Stillwater Area High School and the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire was acquired by then-general manager and team president Kevin Kurtt in his attempt to get her to notice his extensive athletic prowess, well-toned musculature and overall great-guy qualities, while hoping she would overlook his tendency to exaggerate.

"I'll be brutally honest," Kevin Kurtt said while holding Casey's hair during a fit of nausea. "At the time, I didn't care a bit about her softball ability. I was just trying to get a date - not a small feat to anybody that knows me. It turned out that she was one of our best players and she astonishingly found me fetching. It was like one of those sappy Kevin Costner movies."

After briefly leaving Gas on the Fire to pursue a Master's degree at the University of Minnesota, Casey returned to the lineup to help Gas to a Session II record of 4-4, earning All-Rookie Team honors in the process. The following season with I'm With Stupid, Casey led the league's females in hitting with a .673 batting average, while continuing to stun onlookers by "under-kicking her coverage" by staying with and eventually getting engaged to Kevin.

"The 2004 campaign was a banner year for me," Casey said. "The least of my accomplishments was getting engaged. I mean, I carried that team with my hitting, I taught Lizzy (Bergren) how to throw, I signed Jeff and Jazz (Leach) to bargain basement contracts, and I finally came to terms with my lisp. Yeah, it was a good year."

Casey's 2005 softball season was overshadowed by the Kurtts' kick-ass May wedding, ensuing honeymoon, and Casey's decision to leave her God-forsaken job as an administrative assistant for volleyball and soccer at the University of Minnesota. The 2005 season also saw I'm With Stupid become Boom Goes the Dynamite, a move that would change the landscape of low-level coed slow-pitch softball for years to come.

That season also saw the newlyweds contemplate an annulment of their marriage after a tense game in which the Kurtts were paired at the middle infield positions. "I don't know whose idea it was to put me at second base with Kevin playing shortstop," Casey recalled. "He can be a real bastard out there. He called me off a pop fly that I was going to catch easily, and what does he do? The clown trips over his own feet and drops the ball, allowing Weber Shandwick to score. Then he had the audacity to yell at me for not letting him catch every ball hit within a 100-foot radius of him. Yeah, I threw my ring at him and I don't regret it to this day."

The 2006 campaign saw Casey pursue a career as an elementary school teacher, precipitating her departure from the Boom Goes the Dynamite roster. Perhaps not coincidentally, the franchise captured back-to-back CSC Championships in Casey's absence.

"It was good to take a break from the team," Casey said. "I mean, they took wins and losses as seriously as Shane at a sports book in Vegas. The t-shirts, the press releases, the game notes. I mean, c'mon, get a life."

This season, Casey has endured a rollercoaster season while seeing her belly expand to Kirby Puckett-like levels.

"It's been tough," Casey said. "I don't think anybody has noticed, but I've been puking in between pitches and hitting the port-a-pottie every chance I get. My fielding has waned because my balance is out of whack, but all this extra weight has translated into some damn good power this season. That must be why Kevin is hitting so well this year. He calls it 'sympathy weight.' I call it being a fat ass."

Team management and Boom players reportedly have a retirement party slated following tonight's final contest when Casey is expected to receive a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a case of Miller Lite, a supply of Huggies and an invitation to play in Tuesday night's season-opening game at the U of M West Bank Fields.

"I'm going to miss having another short person around here," third baseman Andrea Smith said.

"Her hustle is going to be missed. Wish I could say the same about (Lisa) Hardy," team president Jeff Keiser said.

"I'm not going to miss that strike zone," opposing pitchers said.

"I'm going to miss that little ass shake she does at the plate," her husband said.

"Thanks for the memories, Casey," team management said in a statement. "And thanks for letting Kevin out-kick his coverage. Why you married him is beyond us."

These kids just got...JACKED UP!!!

Continuing in the Mr. Heavyfoot tradition of laughing at kids getting injured in hilarious fashion, we give you the following two videos. We are aware that Mr. Heavyfoot's wife is currently pregnant and that sometimes karma can be a bitch. Oh well.

Dodgeball just isn't dodgeball without an undersized child getting absolutely rocked in the face by an oversized ball.

This one's a classic. The odds that the timing worked out the way it did must be astronomical.

Complaint Alleges Irish Maloney Family Not Actually Irish

A complaint lodged with the National Equal Opportunity Commission and the Celtic/Gaelic Anti-Defamation League by Mike Miller (Lakeland, Minn.), Scott Hinz-Reynolds (Louisville, Ky.) and Marc Williams (Alexandria, Va.) alleges that a self-proclaimed Irish family, the Maloneys of eastern Minnesota and western Wisconsin, is not actually Irish.

The complainants allege that the Maloney family, under the direction of Donald "Bill" and Winifred Marguerite Maloney, have faked their Irish identity to hide the fact that they are descendants of Giuseppe Marconi - a family with origins in Montevergine di Mercogliano, Italy. The complaint contends that the Maloneys have posed as an Irish family in an effort to "deceive legitimate Irish families into believing the Maloney clan was from Éire in order to take advantage of various Irish stereotypes."

Miller, the chief complainant, said he came forward with the allegations when he realized he was having the wool pulled over his eyes during his entire 35-year association with the Maloney family. "I finally recognized that this family has been simulating Irish heritage ever since I met my wife, Mary. How did I figure it out? I showed up early for Marguerite's 78th birthday party on Tuesday and found the soon-to-be great-grandparents eating lasagna magnifico, while watching The Sopranos and wearing AC Milan and Juventus FC soccer jerseys. I felt like Dorothy peeking behind the wizard's curtain in Oz."

Upon discovering the apparent widespread deception, Miller recruited fellow brothers-in-law Hinz and Williams to explore the possibility of filing a complaint with the government and various Irish anti-fraud advocates. What the in-law family members found looks to establish a seemingly damning case for the Maloneys (aka Marconis).

"That family has been faking their Irishness for years," Williams said. "How? By drinking vast amounts of beer (especially Guinness) and whiskey. By constantly talking about leprechauns and some pot of gold. By wearing lots and lots of green. By speaking in limerick form. It's a travesty, a sham and a mockery. It's a traveshamockery."

"They can try to use their faux Irishness to take advantage of me," Hinz said from the WAVE 3 TV newsroom. "But they've deceived the grandchildren. Maggie Miller is so convinced she's Irish that she practically lives at The Liffey [an Irish pub in St. Paul]. It seems every school project Frankie Utech does has to do with the potato famine or the IRA. And don't even get me started on Katie Paulson. That girl celebrates St. Patrick's Day like it's Christmas and New Year's wrapped into one. The fraud has gone too far. The Maloneys must be stopped."

In addition to the evidence that seems to show that the Maloneys have been faking their Irish heritage, the complainants posited several more questions that further casted doubt on the legitimacy of the Maloneys as Irishmen and Irishwomen.

"Where's the red hair and freckles?" Williams asked.

"How come in my 35 years around this family, I have never once seen a Maloney or a descendant of the Maloney family engage in drunken fisticuffs?" Miller said.

"If they're so Irish, why aren't there any policemen or bartenders in their ranks?" Hinz asked.

When reached for comment at their New Richmond, Wis., home, Bill Maloney said, "Mama mia bambino, what's-amatta you-a?"

"Well, the Maloneys have one thing going for them that looks Irish," Miller added. "They all seem to be raging alcoholics."

There once was a family named Maloney
Said they were Irish, but that was baloney
They drank too much beer
And whiskey, I fear

And never admitted their name was Marconi

Noth, Replacement Players Pace Boom to 21-11 Playoff Win over Foul Balls

Behind the strength of an unprecedented offensive performance from strikeout leader Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) and oustanding showings from an incredibly short female replacement-player lineup, two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite opened the playoffs Monday night with a 21-11 rout of woefully outmatched Foul Balls. Boom (5-2) now advances to the quarterfinals to take on arch-rival Yellow Piss (nee Snow) (5-2) next Monday at 6:05 p.m., on Diamond #4 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis.

Noth was the star of the night, going 4-for-4 from the plate with a previously-thought-to-be-impossible-for-the-whiff-prone-new-dad home run in the third inning, but the story of the game centered around the overhauls to the playoff roster. Boom rolled to the 10-run win despite utilizing a revamped lineup due to the absence of several players that management had thought were important and cared about the word "team." Boom veterans Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.), Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) and Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) each missed the playoff contest in favor of self-serving activities.

Coughlin, a wily pitcher/infielder, stupidly scheduled a golf outing in Chaska, Minn., for 1 p.m., and predictably failed to ever show up at the field, claiming he had to hurry home "to finish updating golf results on gophersports.com."

Meanwhile, Hardy - apparently some sort of legend in Hopkins from grades K through 5 - skipped out on her team to speak at the closing of her fiscally-mismanaged elementary school. "I just told those kids that, in everything you do, hustle," Hardy said following the speaking engagement that reportedly netted the erstwhile Boom first baseman a Hopkins school district approved $13,000. "I told them when you hustle, you succeed. But if you somehow don't succeed, argue that you should have. That's always worked for me."

Instead of representing Boom in the playoffs, Jerome left the state in favor of a money-making photography job in the part-time second baseman's former home state of Arkansas. Details were unclear, but reports out of Fayetteville, Ark., indicated that Jerome was actually in town to get a better tan.

Potter also missed the contest, failing to earn her third consecutive Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award in the process. The outfielder who missed 40 games of her senior season at North Dakota State due to mononucleosis was absent this Monday in order to serve as the chief organizer of the Tom Wistrcill Homecoming Celebration in Winona. "It was better than I thought it would be," Potter said of her third Coaches Caravan. "Why? I met some really arrogant hockey players in the bar in Kasson. They seemed to enjoy my company and God knows I love me some arrogance on skates."

Upon learning Boom would be without four of its stalwarts, team president and general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) was initially upset, but changed his tune after the replacement players out-hit, out-fielded and out-hustled the absent veterans. "What we have with Coughlin, Hardy, Jerome and Potter is a collection of viruses. Coughlin has that me-first attitude. Hardy infects our team with a culture of non-hustle and argumentative behavior. Jerome still says y'all too much for our Minnesota tastes. And Potter? Well, let's just say that we couldn't have made a bigger mistake in offering her that one-year, $17.2 million contract. Shouldn't she show some commitment and live up to those dollar figures? Thank heavens I'm an outstanding judge of replacement player talent. The signing to 10-day contracts of Emily Hennen (Prior Lake, Minn.), Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) and Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.) was a stroke of genius on my part."

The impact of the replacement players was felt throughout the evening as Hennen legged out a pair of infield hits, Schroeder gave Boom some pop from the left side of the plate that had been missing as fellow lefty Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) continues to suck, and Wood aroused the team with exceptional all-around play to earn 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week honors with Noth.

"Those scabs gave us more than we can ever expect out of Coughlin, Hardy, Jerome or Potter," Noth said while cleaning up baby puke from his sofa. "Heck, Hennen alone hustled more in one game than our notrorious non-hustlers Potter and Hardy. And how good is Wood?"

The game was not all sunshine and lollipops as aging hurler Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) was atrocious, allowing a season-high 11 runs while allowing a franchise-record nine walks, including two with the bases loaded. Geller couldn't blame the defense behind him as he accounted for as many errors (two) as the rest of team combined. With his piss-poor performance, Geller was named the Nick Joos/Mike Lochrem Goat of the Week. The soon-to-be free agent embarrassingly blamed jet lag for his awful play, eliciting memories of various injury-related excuses that Coughlin has used to explain past bad performances.

In roster news, Keiser announced that Wood and Schroeder have been signed to new 10-day contracts for Boom's quarterfinal contest next week. Wood will replace Caravan-bound Potter, while Schroeder takes the place of soon-to-be Sooner Kukowski.

Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 100-55 through seven games this season.
• Injury report:
- Catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) avoided injury in the second inning when she did not do a barrell roll into the dugout to chase a foul pop.
- Pitcher Steve Geller skinned his knees and elbows after crawling down the third baseline in a humorous attempt to make a limp-wristed throw to home.
• Boom opened the postseason with a female lineup consisting of women 5-foot-2 or shorter. The Smurfettes were 4-11 outfielder Emily Wood, 5-1 second baseman Emily Hennen, 5-1 1/4 catcher Casey Kurtt and 5-2 third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.)
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train (season-low attendance)
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (6 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (3 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.).
• The Kurtt family continued their boycott of Boom games until past Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Laura Kurtt is added to the team poster.
• Mascots in attendance: None
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (2 apps.)

Breaking News: Boom to Use All-Smurfette Lineup Tonight

In lieu of a steady stream of departures from the playoff roster, Boom Goes the Dynamite General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) announced this afternoon that the two-time defending CSC Champions will open the postseason tonight with a female lineup consisting of women 5-foot-2 or shorter. The Diminutive Dames will be 4-11 outfielder Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.), 5-1 second baseman Emily Hennen (Prior Lake, Minn.), 5-1 1/4 catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and 5-2 third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.)

Wood and Hennen were late additions to the roster as relative giants Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.), Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) and Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) pulled themselves out of the lineup for a myriad of reasons.

"One thing's for sure. The sightlines for this game will be terrific," Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year frontrunner Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) said. "I'm short, but not that short. I won't have any trouble seeing over the heads of those little peanuts."

"You can call us whatever you want," the self-proclaimed Lilliputian Ladies said in a press release. "Call us dwarves, midgets, munchkins, shorties, half-pints, knee-highs, little people, peewees, pygmys, runts, shrimps, squirts or tots. It doesn't matter to us. We may be short, but don't sell us short. Sure, we need phone books to see over the dashboard, but we'll kick your tall asses."

Keiser recognized the historical significance of an all-gnome lineup, but did not want to make a big issue out of it, saying, "At least we're not a coed basketball team."

Boom Goes the Dynamite, featuring The Smurfettes, takes on Foul Balls tonight at 6:10 p.m., at Lake Nokomis Diamond #7.

Boom Gets Wood Again

Playoff-bound Boom Goes The Dynamite, the two-time defending CSC Softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.) to a 10-day tryout contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug, agreed to terms with team president, general manager, director of player personnel, chief scout and Fox 9 News personality Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) last week.

Wood was called up from the inactive list due to the expected absence of second baseman Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) and outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.). Jerome will be making money off of the dentally-challenged people of Arkansas, while Potter will be a chief organizer of the Tom Wistrcill Homecoming Celebration in Winona today.

"I was minding my own business in my spacious cubicle, when out of nowhere, Keiser comes running out of his office screaming, 'I got Wood! I got Wood!'" lame duck intern and wannabe Sooner Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said. "At first I thought he had popped some Viagra or Cialis, but then I realized that he was yelling about the acquisition of Snickers (Emily Wood). Phew."

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s playoff-opener against Foul Balls at 6:10 p.m., tonight at Lake Nokomis Diamond #7.

"Wood caught the eye of my scouts at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last month at Siebert Field," Keiser said. “From what I hear, that munchkin caught everything that came her way in right field. The crazy and possibly drunk secrataries in the press box gave her the game MVP award even though she was on the losing team. That was all the evidence I needed to welcome her back to Boom. Plus, we get rid of two of our biggest lazy-asses in Jerome and Potter. It's a win-win."

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Jim Praska,” Wood said from a sparse press conference from her dungeon-like office. “Having your name associated with Praska cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Keiser gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”

In other news, Boom is expected to welcome back first baseman and team hot-head Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) to the lineup tonight. Hardy missed Boom's regular season finale after having a good portion of her neck removed in the interest of science (edit: never mind; Hardy apparently was a legend at her elementary school; who knew?) . Also, Keiser just announced that one-time replacement slugger Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) will join the Boom Goes the Dynamite roster in an emergency fill-in role. Schroeder was added to the lineup when wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) stupidly scheduled a tee time for 1 p.m., in Chaska.

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