A complaint lodged with the National Equal Opportunity Commission and the Celtic/Gaelic Anti-Defamation League by Mike Miller (Lakeland, Minn.), Scott Hinz-Reynolds (Louisville, Ky.) and Marc Williams (Alexandria, Va.) alleges that a self-proclaimed Irish family, the Maloneys of eastern Minnesota and western Wisconsin, is not actually Irish.
The complainants allege that the Maloney family, under the direction of Donald "Bill" and Winifred Marguerite Maloney, have faked their Irish identity to hide the fact that they are descendants of Giuseppe Marconi - a family with origins in Montevergine di Mercogliano, Italy. The complaint contends that the Maloneys have posed as an Irish family in an effort to "deceive legitimate Irish families into believing the Maloney clan was from Éire in order to take advantage of various Irish stereotypes."
Miller, the chief complainant, said he came forward with the allegations when he realized he was having the wool pulled over his eyes during his entire 35-year association with the Maloney family. "I finally recognized that this family has been simulating Irish heritage ever since I met my wife, Mary. How did I figure it out? I showed up early for Marguerite's 78th birthday party on Tuesday and found the soon-to-be great-grandparents eating lasagna magnifico, while watching The Sopranos and wearing AC Milan and Juventus FC soccer jerseys. I felt like Dorothy peeking behind the wizard's curtain in Oz."
Upon discovering the apparent widespread deception, Miller recruited fellow brothers-in-law Hinz and Williams to explore the possibility of filing a complaint with the government and various Irish anti-fraud advocates. What the in-law family members found looks to establish a seemingly damning case for the Maloneys (aka Marconis).
"That family has been faking their Irishness for years," Williams said. "How? By drinking vast amounts of beer (especially Guinness) and whiskey. By constantly talking about leprechauns and some pot of gold. By wearing lots and lots of green. By speaking in limerick form. It's a travesty, a sham and a mockery. It's a traveshamockery."
"They can try to use their faux Irishness to take advantage of me," Hinz said from the WAVE 3 TV newsroom. "But they've deceived the grandchildren. Maggie Miller is so convinced she's Irish that she practically lives at The Liffey [an Irish pub in St. Paul]. It seems every school project Frankie Utech does has to do with the potato famine or the IRA. And don't even get me started on Katie Paulson. That girl celebrates St. Patrick's Day like it's Christmas and New Year's wrapped into one. The fraud has gone too far. The Maloneys must be stopped."
In addition to the evidence that seems to show that the Maloneys have been faking their Irish heritage, the complainants posited several more questions that further casted doubt on the legitimacy of the Maloneys as Irishmen and Irishwomen.
"Where's the red hair and freckles?" Williams asked.
"How come in my 35 years around this family, I have never once seen a Maloney or a descendant of the Maloney family engage in drunken fisticuffs?" Miller said.
"If they're so Irish, why aren't there any policemen or bartenders in their ranks?" Hinz asked.
When reached for comment at their New Richmond, Wis., home, Bill Maloney said, "Mama mia bambino, what's-amatta you-a?"
"Well, the Maloneys have one thing going for them that looks Irish," Miller added. "They all seem to be raging alcoholics."
There once was a family named Maloney
Said they were Irish, but that was baloney
They drank too much beer
And whiskey, I fear
And never admitted their name was Marconi
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