Behind the strength of an unprecedented offensive performance from strikeout leader Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) and oustanding showings from an incredibly short female replacement-player lineup, two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite opened the playoffs Monday night with a 21-11 rout of woefully outmatched Foul Balls. Boom (5-2) now advances to the quarterfinals to take on arch-rival Yellow Piss (nee Snow) (5-2) next Monday at 6:05 p.m., on Diamond #4 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis.
Noth was the star of the night, going 4-for-4 from the plate with a previously-thought-to-be-impossible-for-the-whiff-prone-new-dad home run in the third inning, but the story of the game centered around the overhauls to the playoff roster. Boom rolled to the 10-run win despite utilizing a revamped lineup due to the absence of several players that management had thought were important and cared about the word "team." Boom veterans Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.), Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) and Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) each missed the playoff contest in favor of self-serving activities.
Coughlin, a wily pitcher/infielder, stupidly scheduled a golf outing in Chaska, Minn., for 1 p.m., and predictably failed to ever show up at the field, claiming he had to hurry home "to finish updating golf results on gophersports.com."
Meanwhile, Hardy - apparently some sort of legend in Hopkins from grades K through 5 - skipped out on her team to speak at the closing of her fiscally-mismanaged elementary school. "I just told those kids that, in everything you do, hustle," Hardy said following the speaking engagement that reportedly netted the erstwhile Boom first baseman a Hopkins school district approved $13,000. "I told them when you hustle, you succeed. But if you somehow don't succeed, argue that you should have. That's always worked for me."
Instead of representing Boom in the playoffs, Jerome left the state in favor of a money-making photography job in the part-time second baseman's former home state of Arkansas. Details were unclear, but reports out of Fayetteville, Ark., indicated that Jerome was actually in town to get a better tan.
Potter also missed the contest, failing to earn her third consecutive Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award in the process. The outfielder who missed 40 games of her senior season at North Dakota State due to mononucleosis was absent this Monday in order to serve as the chief organizer of the Tom Wistrcill Homecoming Celebration in Winona. "It was better than I thought it would be," Potter said of her third Coaches Caravan. "Why? I met some really arrogant hockey players in the bar in Kasson. They seemed to enjoy my company and God knows I love me some arrogance on skates."
Upon learning Boom would be without four of its stalwarts, team president and general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) was initially upset, but changed his tune after the replacement players out-hit, out-fielded and out-hustled the absent veterans. "What we have with Coughlin, Hardy, Jerome and Potter is a collection of viruses. Coughlin has that me-first attitude. Hardy infects our team with a culture of non-hustle and argumentative behavior. Jerome still says y'all too much for our Minnesota tastes. And Potter? Well, let's just say that we couldn't have made a bigger mistake in offering her that one-year, $17.2 million contract. Shouldn't she show some commitment and live up to those dollar figures? Thank heavens I'm an outstanding judge of replacement player talent. The signing to 10-day contracts of Emily Hennen (Prior Lake, Minn.), Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) and Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.) was a stroke of genius on my part."
The impact of the replacement players was felt throughout the evening as Hennen legged out a pair of infield hits, Schroeder gave Boom some pop from the left side of the plate that had been missing as fellow lefty Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) continues to suck, and Wood aroused the team with exceptional all-around play to earn 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week honors with Noth.
"Those scabs gave us more than we can ever expect out of Coughlin, Hardy, Jerome or Potter," Noth said while cleaning up baby puke from his sofa. "Heck, Hennen alone hustled more in one game than our notrorious non-hustlers Potter and Hardy. And how good is Wood?"
The game was not all sunshine and lollipops as aging hurler Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) was atrocious, allowing a season-high 11 runs while allowing a franchise-record nine walks, including two with the bases loaded. Geller couldn't blame the defense behind him as he accounted for as many errors (two) as the rest of team combined. With his piss-poor performance, Geller was named the Nick Joos/Mike Lochrem Goat of the Week. The soon-to-be free agent embarrassingly blamed jet lag for his awful play, eliciting memories of various injury-related excuses that Coughlin has used to explain past bad performances.
In roster news, Keiser announced that Wood and Schroeder have been signed to new 10-day contracts for Boom's quarterfinal contest next week. Wood will replace Caravan-bound Potter, while Schroeder takes the place of soon-to-be Sooner Kukowski.
Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 100-55 through seven games this season.
• Injury report:
- Catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) avoided injury in the second inning when she did not do a barrell roll into the dugout to chase a foul pop.
- Pitcher Steve Geller skinned his knees and elbows after crawling down the third baseline in a humorous attempt to make a limp-wristed throw to home.
• Boom opened the postseason with a female lineup consisting of women 5-foot-2 or shorter. The Smurfettes were 4-11 outfielder Emily Wood, 5-1 second baseman Emily Hennen, 5-1 1/4 catcher Casey Kurtt and 5-2 third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.)
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train (season-low attendance)
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (6 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (3 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.).
• The Kurtt family continued their boycott of Boom games until past Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Laura Kurtt is added to the team poster.
• Mascots in attendance: None
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (2 apps.)
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