The end of an era takes place tonight at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Veteran catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) announced this morning that tonight's playoff game(s) will be the last of the diminutive hustler's illustrious career with slow-pitch softball franchises Boom Goes the Dynamite, I'm With Stupid and Gas on the Fire. Kurtt hangs up her cleats after a five-year career, citing an ever-expanding belly, increasingly sore pelvic ligaments and a general growing of a nesting instinct as the knocked-up wife of shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) enters her fifth month of pregnancy.
"I had a good run even though this damn team takes the game and itself way too seriously," Kurtt said from a well-attended press conference at Hot Mama in Edina. "When I think of all I accomplished during my time with this franchise, it makes me want to throw up. Wait, maybe that's the morning sickness. Excuse me..."
Kurtt signed with the legendary franchise during its infancy in the spring of 2003. Then Casey Miller, the former star swimmer at Stillwater Area High School and the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire was acquired by then-general manager and team president Kevin Kurtt in his attempt to get her to notice his extensive athletic prowess, well-toned musculature and overall great-guy qualities, while hoping she would overlook his tendency to exaggerate.
"I'll be brutally honest," Kevin Kurtt said while holding Casey's hair during a fit of nausea. "At the time, I didn't care a bit about her softball ability. I was just trying to get a date - not a small feat to anybody that knows me. It turned out that she was one of our best players and she astonishingly found me fetching. It was like one of those sappy Kevin Costner movies."
After briefly leaving Gas on the Fire to pursue a Master's degree at the University of Minnesota, Casey returned to the lineup to help Gas to a Session II record of 4-4, earning All-Rookie Team honors in the process. The following season with I'm With Stupid, Casey led the league's females in hitting with a .673 batting average, while continuing to stun onlookers by "under-kicking her coverage" by staying with and eventually getting engaged to Kevin.
"The 2004 campaign was a banner year for me," Casey said. "The least of my accomplishments was getting engaged. I mean, I carried that team with my hitting, I taught Lizzy (Bergren) how to throw, I signed Jeff and Jazz (Leach) to bargain basement contracts, and I finally came to terms with my lisp. Yeah, it was a good year."
Casey's 2005 softball season was overshadowed by the Kurtts' kick-ass May wedding, ensuing honeymoon, and Casey's decision to leave her God-forsaken job as an administrative assistant for volleyball and soccer at the University of Minnesota. The 2005 season also saw I'm With Stupid become Boom Goes the Dynamite, a move that would change the landscape of low-level coed slow-pitch softball for years to come.
That season also saw the newlyweds contemplate an annulment of their marriage after a tense game in which the Kurtts were paired at the middle infield positions. "I don't know whose idea it was to put me at second base with Kevin playing shortstop," Casey recalled. "He can be a real bastard out there. He called me off a pop fly that I was going to catch easily, and what does he do? The clown trips over his own feet and drops the ball, allowing Weber Shandwick to score. Then he had the audacity to yell at me for not letting him catch every ball hit within a 100-foot radius of him. Yeah, I threw my ring at him and I don't regret it to this day."
The 2006 campaign saw Casey pursue a career as an elementary school teacher, precipitating her departure from the Boom Goes the Dynamite roster. Perhaps not coincidentally, the franchise captured back-to-back CSC Championships in Casey's absence.
"It was good to take a break from the team," Casey said. "I mean, they took wins and losses as seriously as Shane at a sports book in Vegas. The t-shirts, the press releases, the game notes. I mean, c'mon, get a life."
This season, Casey has endured a rollercoaster season while seeing her belly expand to Kirby Puckett-like levels.
"It's been tough," Casey said. "I don't think anybody has noticed, but I've been puking in between pitches and hitting the port-a-pottie every chance I get. My fielding has waned because my balance is out of whack, but all this extra weight has translated into some damn good power this season. That must be why Kevin is hitting so well this year. He calls it 'sympathy weight.' I call it being a fat ass."
Team management and Boom players reportedly have a retirement party slated following tonight's final contest when Casey is expected to receive a Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a case of Miller Lite, a supply of Huggies and an invitation to play in Tuesday night's season-opening game at the U of M West Bank Fields.
"I'm going to miss having another short person around here," third baseman Andrea Smith said.
"Her hustle is going to be missed. Wish I could say the same about (Lisa) Hardy," team president Jeff Keiser said.
"I'm not going to miss that strike zone," opposing pitchers said.
"I'm going to miss that little ass shake she does at the plate," her husband said.
"Thanks for the memories, Casey," team management said in a statement. "And thanks for letting Kevin out-kick his coverage. Why you married him is beyond us."
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