Boom Goes the Dynamite's quest for a third consecutive Cities Sports Connection Championship fell short Monday night when the lone CSC umpire who actually thinks his job is a big deal blew a call in an eventual 11-10 Boom loss to the Cleveland Steamers. Earlier in the night, Boom (6-3) edged hated archrival Yellow Snow, 13-11, to avenge an early-season loss and shut up Snow's annoying, is-he-wearing-a-toupee? third baseman.
Boom downed Yellow Snow despite some fielding, baserunning and coaching gaffes by veterans Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.), Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Jerome allowed a Snow rally to continue in the third inning when she displayed her typical lackadaisacal play by dropping a throw at second base from shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.). Jerome failed to redeem herself at the plate on Monday, going oh-fer the entire night.
"Her laissez-faire attitude out there is getting tiring," replacement outfielder Matt Schroeder (Fond du Lac, Wis.) said. "It seems all she cares about is beating her dog and taking pictures of the Kurtt family. That pale girl needs to start taking this game as seriously as Keiser or that ump."
With Boom threatening to put the game on ice in the bottom of the fifth inning, Keiser and Geller displayed jaw-dropping absent-mindedness reminiscent of part-time outfielder, full-time caravaner Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.). With one out and the score tied at eight, Keiser stood at third base with part-time powerhitter Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) at the plate and Geller as third base coach. As Coughlin lifted a fly ball to right center field, Keiser headed for home with Geller failing to call him back to tag up. Predictably, Snow doubled-up Keiser at third, ending the rally and the inning.
"Oops," Keiser said. "If (Kevin) Noth was the third base coach, there's no question I would have known what to do."
Despite Jerome, Geller and Keiser's attempt to sabotage the quarterfinal contest, Boom held together, eventually shutting down the vaunted Yellow Snow offense. With the win, Boom ended Snow's season and thoroughly enjoyed the looks on Snow players in the handshake line.
"Remember the fourth inning when Keiser barrelled into their catcher?" a surprisingly argument-free Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. "That play was by design. We do not play to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A catcher confronts you, she is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."
The win over Yellow Snow set up a semifinal contest against the only other team to defeat Boom in 2007 - the undefeated and poorly-named Cleveland Steamers. A defensive struggle between two evenly-matched teams, the Steamers broke the game open in the bottom of the fifth inning with eight runs to take a 9-1 lead into the sixth. The rally hinged largely on errors by wily journeymen outfielders Coughlin and Noth.
"Coughlin let one get under his glove and Noth parked under a ball as it sailed over his head. That just can't happen," error-free outfielder Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.). "I'll give credit to Noth, though. He owned up to his mistake. Coughlin, on the other hand, had more excuses than there are hot chicks on this team. He blamed the sun, the grass, the non-existent fog, the wind off the lake, his father, a missed chiropractic appointment, Mr. Wistrcill, immigrants, NAFTA and Keiser. You don't see me using excuses for never getting on base, do you? Well, do you?!?"
The top of the sixth inning saw Kurtt open with a stand-up triple that should have been a stand-up home run if third base coach Noth knew the difference between the stop and go signs. Nevertheless, in what would turn out to be her final at-bat of her distinguished career, with-child catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) knocked in her husband with a single through the middle to make the score 9-2. From there, the knocked-up Kurtt was stranded on base as the Steamer shortstop with calves bigger than third baseman Andrea Smith's torso did his best human vacuum impression to end the inning.
The Steamers, the lone Cleveland team capable of winning a playoff game, added a run in the bottom of the sixth to own a 10-2 lead and set the stage for a legendary rally, a controversial call, a death threat and still no argument from Hardy.
With their gloves tucked away and thoughts turning to the 24-hour offseason, Boom put together a rally for the ages by playing loose for the first time in the contest. Using multiple extra-base hits and superb baserunning, Boom came all the way back to knot the game at 10-10 before that sonofabitch umpire decided to take the game's result into his own hands despite being in terrible position to make a call in a crucial situation that Tim Tschida would have struggled to make even though it was obvious the guy never caught the ball and the Steamers acted like he never caught the ball.
With one out and Hardy on second, Keiser hit a shallow fly ball to right centerfield where a Steamer dove, appeared to trap the ball, rolled and picked the ball up off the grass before coming to his feet. CSC ultra-serious umpire [name redacted] hesitated before astonishing Boom and its legions of fans by ruling the ball caught for the second out. Unethically and against all moral codes, the Steamers threw to second base to double-up Hardy who had run to third when she witnessed the trap and the loose ball. Cue Keiser.
"You've got to be f***ing kidding me, you f***ing c*******ing a*****!!!" Keiser was quoted as saying. "What the f*** are you f***ing looking at?!? F***! I know where you f***ing live, you fat f***!"
Keiser was later fined $50,000 by CSC for his comments. He is appealing.
Boom played the bottom half of the seventh inning in protest, but it was to no avail as the Steamers knocked in the winning run with a sacrifice fly to right field. The Steamers would go on to lose 16-15 to ERAC in the championship game.
On Tuesday morning, CSC announced the indefinite suspension of umpire [name withheld for fear that Keiser might hunt him down] for "failing to live up to the expectations CSC has set for our lone umpire who dresses in blue with umpire shorts and shoes and who seems to care about his job for this low-level, over-priced league."
Boom Goes the Dynamite opens Session II on Tuesday, June 12, with a contest against Chicks with RAC's at 8:20 p.m., at Diamond #1 of the University of Minnesota West Bank Softball Complex.
Notes
• Boom out-scored its opponents 123-77 in nine games in the first session season.
• Fans in attendance: Pam Hardy, Amber Hegland, Megan Higginbotham, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Laura Kurtt, Michelle Train
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (7 appearances), Pam Hardy (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (4 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Beth Kurtt (3 apps.), Jim Kurtt (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.), Amber Hegland (1 app.), Megan Higginbotham (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Koda, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (3 apps.), Koda (3 apps.)
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