Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), younger sister of Boom Goes the Dynamite shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), is set to become the next in a long line of atrocious owners and general managers of sports franchises tonight when her expansion kickball team, The Kit Shickers, hits the field for its inaugural game. The Kit Shickers, a squad comprised of a bunch of people who don't know each other, faces Stop Drop and Roll tonight at 6:50 p.m., at Bassett's Creek Park Diamond #3.
"I'm excited to see my team in action," Kurtt said from her non-air conditioned Minneapolis apartment. "I've shelled out some big money to sign a bunch of former placekickers and punters to lucrative multi-year contracts. I expect immediate results for my investment. Otherwise, I may have to make some cuts and call my parents up from the retirement ranks. Believe me, I don't want to do that."
The kickball world is still buzzing from the surprising signings of Rick Gmitro and Julie Iskierka - two mediocre kickballers with a reputation for being team cancers on their former squads, The Recess Rejects and Ballsagna, respectively.
"Listen, I know I'm taking a risk by bringing on Gmitro and Iskierka," Kurtt said. "We're already looking for an out clause in Gmitro's contract due to some rumors of him being involved in a high-stakes gambling ring. Our lawyers are exploring our options. As far as Iskierka is concerned, we know of her history as an HGH (human-growth hormone) user. She's assured me that she's clean."
Players from up and down the Shickers roster are thrilled at the prospect of playing for an expansion franchise.
"I was a stud on the Concord Elementary School kickball fields," Jim Kohler said. "I'll admit my skills have waned since the third grade, but I can still kick me a mean ball."
"I haven't done anything remotely athletic since about 1999," Trent Ostman said. "So when Ms. Kurtt approached me with a one-year, $500,000 contract, I didn't hesitate. You think another team is going to offer me that sort of money? Ha!"
"I'm just excited to get out there and work on my tan," Lisa Carlson said.
Despite the general enthusiasm for creation of The Kit Shickers, some players have expressed disappointment in Kurtt's general lack of knowledge of kickball, in addition to her fiscal management skills.
"I've been playing this sport since I knew how to walk," Carol March said. "The roster that Kurtt has surrounded me with is a slap in the face to the years and years of dedication I have shown to kickball. I'm just glad I'm eligible for restricted free agency this fall. You're damn right I'll be keeping my options open."
"I'm not sure Kurtt knows what a kickball is and what it takes to win in this sport," Matt Hanson said. "I mean, she touted the acquisition of her five-months pregnant sister-in-law (Casey Kurtt) as a landmark deal in CSC Kickball League history. I don't think Laura has a clue what she's doing."
Kurtt remained blissfully unaware of growing criticism for her roster decisions.
"How stoked must my players be to call themselves a Kit Shicker? We're about to make history. When that first ball is kicked, people will remember our names. Now, can someone explain kickball rules to me? Is it like soccer?"
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