Breakdancing, Soccer Hazardous to Your Health

Mr. Heavyfoot enjoys a good breakdance from time to time. Usually without punting toddlers, though.


Mr. Heavyfoot does not enjoy a good soccer ball to the seeds. It's funny when others take a soccer ball to the seeds, though.

(special thanks to With Leather for the heads-up on the videos)

Miller Girls Vying for Most Favored Daughter Status

Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced the creation of an exploratory committee to determine which of their four daughters – Casey, Jesse, Maggie and Molly – will achieve Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status. The competition is expected to be hotly-contested between the it's-hard-to-believe-they-all-came-from-the-same-gene-pool daughters. Michael and Mary will chair the committee, and will be joined by neighbor Boogie, Most Favored Uncle Mike Maloney, family matriarch Winifred Marguerite Maloney and one member of the Paul Lake-loving family, the Bordenaves.

MFD Status will afford the awarded daughter with special and exclusive privileges such as a one-year exemption from unannounced parent drop-ins, an increased ration of Mary-produced caramel rolls, no-strings-attached viewings of sporting events on the big-screen HD TV in Lakeland, an embargo on all Shania Twain songs and references, and free babysitting/dog-sitting/boyfriend-sitting for three different weekend nights. It's unclear if the exploratory committee will also reveal which Miller girl owns Least Favored Daughter status.

"Listen, we love each and every one of our daughters a lot," Mary said in a carefully-worded statement. "We just want to determine which daughter we love the most. From time to time in the last 30 years, we've vascillated between adoring our daughters to considering a clandestine getaway to a distant country. We just feel it's time to, once and for all, make clear which one we love the most. It's pretty straightforward."

"I'm excited to see what the committee concludes," Michael said from a press conference at Curtis 1000 headquarters. "I love my girls as much as fantasy football, golf and John Gagliardi. Would I love a son more? Sure. But that's not what we're talking about. We would be if Mary would have blessed me with a boy. **sniff** Does anybody have a Kleenex?"

The creation of the Most Favored Daughter Committee produced a variety of responses from the Miller daughters and observers of the Miller family. Perhaps not surprisingly, it was eldest daughter Maggie, 30, who was the most willing to give her opinion on the creation of the MFD Committee.

"This is a complete and utter sham," Maggie said from a sparsely-attended press conference at The Liffey. "We all know that Molly has been and always will be their favorite daughter. Do you honestly think they're going to award my single, curly-haired and key-losing butt Most Favored Daughter status? Ha! You think Casey and Jesse have a chance? Yeah, right. I have three letters for you. I-B-S. Their gassy asses pretty much doomed them from day one. Congrats, Molly. You won this title at birth. Way to go."

The other Miller daughters had unique feelings about the Most Favored Daughter development.

"Need I remind my parents that I'm going to make them grandparents first?" Casey, 28, said before downing a peanut butter, pickle, pistachio and cheese sandwich. "It was I who got married first. It was I who got knocked-up first. It should be I who gets this toast-flavored stratus thing."

"I couldn't give a rat's ass about this competition," Molly, 26, said while trying to remember the address of her realty company's website. "I have a prom staircase. And an Audi. And my baby is going be be damn cute. You think I care about this MFD thing. I have bigger fish to fry, thank you very much."

"I love you, Mom and Dad," a brown-nosing Jesse, 22, said during a commercial break while watching America's Next Top Model.

"This might be the best idea to ever come out of 16087 North First Street," neighbor Jenny Keller said. "Those chicks all walk around here like they own this podunk town. It's about time they ranked those big-chested bee-yotches. Unfortunately, someone has to win."

The Most Favored Daughter Committee has its hands full as each of the Miller girls brings a unique set of pros and cons to the table. An insider source who asked to be referred to as M. Maloney or Mike M. revealed some of the issues the committee is taking under consideration.

"Well, they're all hot. So they have that going for them. Beyond that, we're looking at financial matters. Did they attend an expensive private school or an affordable public institution? Do they own a McMansion or a run-down townhouse? We're talking about their significant others. What can their husbands or boyfriends do for Mike and Mary? Can they get them tickets to sporting events, free golf or cheap meat products? Does having a significant other help them or hurt them?

"Then there's the ancillary issues. How cute or well-behaved is their dog, if they have one? Does it shed its fur like the bejeezus? Is the daughter going to bleed the Millers' savings account dry with another wedding? Do they have a Master's degree from an evil school to the east? Were the sports they competed in entertaning or incredibly boring? Do they live too close or too far away? Do they talk about bras or mentrual cycles or flatulence at family dinners? Wait, they all do that. Well, regardless, we have a lot to consider."

The MFD committee is set to meet over the Memorial Day weekend and issue its decision whenever it gets around to it.

Boom Overwhelms Outlawz, Casey Kurtt Risks Life, Limb and Unborn Child for Foul Ball

Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite wrapped up the regular season in the first session of the 2007 season with a 12-2 rout of woefully-outmatched Outlawz last night at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. The win clinched Boom (4-2) a spot in the playoffs, but it was not without a sense of drama as knocked-up catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) risked the health and well-being of her 5-foot-1 self and that of her unborn child during an essentially meaningless play in the second inning.

Wife of dashingly handsome shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), Casey attempted to make a catch of a short fly ball near the Boom dugout, but came up short, falling forward before going into a barrel roll in an apparent effort to shield her ever-expanding belly from an impact with the infield dirt. Kevin was not pleased with Casey's utter disregard for human life, whether born or unborn.

"If there's no bun in the oven, she can run head-first into a light pole for all I care," Kevin said between gloats about his third consecutive game with a round-tripper. "But that's my handiwork she's lugging around in that cute little belly. I don't even know why she's playing. If (Lisa) Hardy didn't totally puss-out with her little neck problem, my sugar mama would be cheering us from the stands, not putting my future heir's life at risk. I do appreciate the hustle though."

Team management also appreciated the diminutive veteran infielder's hustle and her husband's 4-for-4 performance from the plate, awarding the First Couple of Bierman the 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Awards.

"Aside from Casey's flop, drop and roll, that little peanut sure showed our team what hustle is all about," team president, general manager, chief scout and director of player personnel Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "A few of our ladies should take some notes. I'm looking at you (Alicia) Jerome, (Meghan) Potter and Hardy. But the Kurtts really carried our play today. It's a shame they had to have their great performances without family members in the stands. Where the heck were all the Kurtts?"

According to insider sources, Laura Kurtt and parents Jim and Beth Kurtt, former frontrunners for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year Award, are contemplating a boycott of all future Boom Goes the Dynamite games and team functions in response to Laura being omitted from the team poster. Jim and Beth, along with fans Michelle Train and Shane Sandersf***, were included in the Keiser-produced, Bob Swoverland-printed poster.

"I demand a reprint," Laura said after a practice with her expansion kickball franchise, The Kit Shickers. "To include Train and leave me out is a travesty. I cheered for this team when they were Low Expectations with (Mike) Lundberg tripping over himself and The Fridge getting thrown out at first from left field. And this is how they re-pay me? I've got five words for you: Jeff Keiser is a jerk."

In a related development, Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year candidates Cooper and Maggie were also noticeably absent. MOY dark horse Koda made her second appearance, but chewed through her pricey leash, jeopardizing her postseason award hopes.

In on-field news, outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) earned her second consecutive Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award after doing her best impression of Lisa Hardy running lackadaisically on the basepaths. Twice last night, Potter failed to hustle, resulting in a second inning-ending double play and a preventable fourth inning out at second base.

"Maybe the people doing the stats were drunk, because I have a hard time believing that Potter had five stolen bases and two triples during her freshman season at North Dakota State," team hustler Casey Kurtt said. "I don't care if she can out-hit (Kevin) Noth. She has to understand she's a rookie on this team, and rookies need to earn their keep. Why team management is paying her what they are is beyond me."

In addition to the Kurtts' standout performances, several Dynamiters broke out of week-long slumps with strong showings against the Outlawz. With a confirmed appearance of his girlfriend Kate (last name withheld), Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) successfully avoided popping out at every at-bat, going 2-for-4 with a double in the fourth inning.

"It wasn't a vintage Kukowski night," third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.). "And that's a good thing. I just didn't need to see those two lovebirds playing kissy-face before and during the game. Yuck."

Despite receiving a harsh public admonishment from popular Minneapolis Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ, wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) also broke out of a hitting slump, showing power from both sides of the plate and displaying outstanding fielding prowess not previously seen at first base this season.

"Put that in your column, CJ," Coughlin barked.

After a week off for Memorial Day, Boom Goes the Dynamite enters the postseason with the 2007 CSC Playoffs on Monday, June 4. Boom takes on Foul Balls (2-4) at 6:10 p.m., on Diamond #7 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field. Foul Balls is a team comprised of ethanol salesmen, skanky strippers, an ultimate fighter and retired home economics teachers

Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 79-44 through six games this season.
• For the first time this season, third baseman Andrea Smith showed up early to the field.
• Kyle Coughlin appeared at first base for the second time this season.
• An angry Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) had to be restrained after getting called out at first base to complete a controversial double play. Amazingly, team hot-head Lisa Hardy did not argue the call.
• Injury report:
- In garbage time, substitute shortstop Tory Kukowski took a hard ground ball which nearly took off his fingernail on his right pinky.
- Koda's ego was bruised after owner Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) beat the dog's ass after chewing through its leash.
- The hole in inactive Lisa Hardy's neck looked painful.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend, Kate, made her first career appearance at a Boom game, leading none to question her actual existence.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, Pam Hardy, Tory's girlfriend Kate, Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary.
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (5 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (3 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.). Tory's girlfriend Kate and Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year Award.
• Mascots in attendance: Koda
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (2 apps.)

Romo Opens Defense of MIB Award with Subpar Performance

Former Minnesota state free throw champion John Romo (Hutchinson, Minn.) opened defense of his 2006-07 Minneapolis Bowling Congress Most Improved Bowler award last night with a subpar performance at Doyle's Bowling Alley & Lounge in Minneapolis. Romo began the night with a respectable 176 in the first game, before causing nearly $1,200 in damage to the ceiling tiles above lane 6 with a misguided throw of his 14-pound Brunswick Fury (video below). From there, the brains behind the not-your-daddy's gophersports.com rolled a 133 and 112 to finish 47 pins behind his 2006-07 MIB three-game average.

"It just wasn't my night," Romo said between sips from his Jack & Coke. "Maybe the award went to my head or maybe I'm feeling the pressure of my coworkers to live up to what they think of me, but I thought I had my alcohol intake-to-bowling performance ratio down to a science. When my ball hit the ceiling, I knew it was back to the drawing board. I just hope the Minneapolis Bowling Congress and Doyle's lets me come back next week."

Longtime Romo adversary and runner-up to last season's MIB award, Lawrence T. Goodnough, was none too pleased with the distraction on lane 6. "I had a good thing going in the seventh frame when ceiling tile comes raining down in the lane next to me. I was going for my second turkey of the night and Romo does that. I don't want to go as far to say he did it on purpose, but it sure smells fishy to me."

This is not the first time that Romo has been accused of potentially throwing athletic contests. In 2003, Romo allegedly attempted to shave runs in a Marketing vs. Media Relations softball game when the graduate of Bemidji State University appeared to intentionally boot thrown and hit balls at first base. Despite his statements that he didn't care about the game, Romo's actions were spurious to say the least.

Romo's ceiling tile-related meltdown last night comes just a week after another embarrassing moment at Doyle's when the former hockey SID dumped a pitcher full of Grain Belt Premium beer on an unnamed underachieving teammate.

"I was just trying to show him the proper bowling technique that led me to the MIB title when my hand accidentelly hit the pitcher," Romo said after downing an order of Cajun fries. "Sure, he was dragging the team down with his awful bowling, but does anyone honestly think I'd waste good alcohol like that?"

Romo and his cellar-dwelling bowling team, I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter, takes on the Holy Rollers next Wednesday at 8 p.m., at Doyle's

Two Dynamiters to Appear in Siebert Field All-Star Game

A pair of Boom Goes the Dynamite standouts, salary cap hog Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and up-and-comer Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) were named to the Siebert Field All-Star Game to be played at 2 p.m., today. For the first time in their respective careers, the duo will be split up as Kukowski will be play for the Gold Chipmunks, while Kurtt will sport the Maroon Rodent colors.

Controversy has been sparked by the lack of Dynamiters selected to the game, circumstances surrounding the players selected and the perks received for their participation in this yearly contest.

“If you ask me, the whole selection process is a joke,” said wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), whose named was removed from the ballot prior to the season in favor of Leo Lewis in the pitcher’s spot by University of Minnesota athletics adminstration.

Several other Dynamiters did not comment on their All-Star snubs. However, when approached about the selection of All-Star Team, representative Jeff Seifriz said, “That squad is completely overrated. For years, Boom has picked on the bottom-feeders of Minneapolis softball to claim a lot of those victories. Teams such as McWalstein’s No-Talent Ass Clowns, Lucky Strikes and that group of misfits they beat by 30 last year in the playoffs don’t give them a very high RPI. Therefore, how can we compare players from that team against legends like Mike McDonald, Scott Ellison and Kathy Anderson?”

Another controversy surrounding the game was the new fan voting system implemented by Tech Services this year.

“First of all, the server has been down for three days now. so none of our fans could vote,” Boom general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said.

Another mysterious development had superfan-in-training Emily Wickstrom logging on a surprising 1,500 times on May 13 to vote for Kukowski. Along with that development, Kurtt seemed to have received most of his votes from e-mail accounts attributed to Boom Mascot of the Year contenders Cooper and Maggie.

“I knew that this voting was open to citizens from around the world, but when Maggie and Cooper start pushing the voting over the top, we have to pretty much call this process a joke,” former Siebert Field All-Star Shane Sanderseld said.

Commenting about the number of Kukowski’s votes coming from her household Wickstrom said, “That Lewiston basketball team was pretty much comparable to mid-1990s Chicago Bulls, and Tory was the Scottie Pippen of that squad. I was just making sure he got his deserved recognition.”

Another issue of contention, were the perks that were received by Kukowski and Kurtt for making this All-Star team.

“We are already paying this clown $114 million over six years, and I come to find out that Kevin Kurtt gets an All-Star bonus of $3 million on top of that," Keiser said. "I blame these awful contracts on the Geller era. We need to get rid of some of these albatross contracts and soon.”

On another note, Kukowski received six free meals at the Steak Knife for his All-Star appearance, per the wording of his contract set up by former agent Michael H. Lochrem.

The brightest note of the afternoon is with Kurtt and Kukowski playing on opposite teams, one of the players will snap Boom’s 0-75 collective record compiled by its members that have played in this game.

“You think Geller is washed up now. I could have told you that two years ago when I watched his performance in the All-Star game,” former Maroon Rodent All-Star manager J.T. Bruett said.

As a sidenote, Geller was left off the All-Star team after it was determined that Sue LaTrendese would be a better late-game defensive replacement. At the time of this story, Geller had no comment regarding this matter.

Bunt Sign Just an Excuse for Third Base Coach to Touch His Crotch

Members of Boom Goes the Dynamite are starting to think that the bunt sign is just an excuse for their third base coach to play with his crotch. Players say the coach, Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), calls the bunt sign five to six times per at bat, even though CSC league rules don’t allow for bunts.

“He’s got a problem, I think,” first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. “The first game we made four and five outs per game from illegal bunts. We finally caught onto it that he’s just playing with himself.”

Boom players confronted their coach to get him to change the bunt sign to something other than a touch to the crotch but he refused. “If I change it to something else, then it’s going to be really obvious that I can’t keep my hands off myself and I don’t need that embarrassment,” Coughlin admitted. “The only thing I’ll consider doing is making a tap to the crotch the indicator sign and then a full hand down the pants the bunt sign.”

Those That Go Boom - The 2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite Roster

The 2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite roster has been released by team president and general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.). The The companion piece to the Boom Goes the Dynamite team poster (see below) is available by clicking on the above photo. The roster includes all the pertinent information on all of your favorite Boom personalities, including the controversial contract terms.

Corrections to the roster:
Steve Geller's uniform #: 4
Steve Geller's high school: Earl L. Vandermeulen Port Jefferson
Casey Kurtt's uniform #: 10

Boom Announces Landmark Marketing Deal, Releases Team Poster

In a move that will surely shift the culture of slow-pitch softball from that of laid-back, beer-swilling friends out for a good time to that of washed-up athletic communicators and aging softball veterans taking themselves and this coed sport way too seriously, two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite has announced a landmark marketing, promotions and broadcast deal with a variety of major organizations.

A cornerstone of the deal is the release of the 2007 team poster (click photo above for hi-res version) and the announcement of a fan-fueled voting system to choose the Boom Goes the Dynamite marketing slogan. Candidates for the slogan include "Boom-Shacka-Lacka!", "Feel the Boom", "A Culture of Mediocrity", "The Steve Geller Experience" and "Insert Catchy Slogan Here." Fans are encouraged to vote for their favorite slogan (or come up with one of their own) by commenting at the bottom of this release.

"When attendance at Boom games dips to that of the I'm With Stupid era and interest in your team wanes to Minnesota Lynx-levels, you know it's time to take some drastic measures," new Boom Goes the Dynamite director of marketing, promotions, ticket sales and broadcasting Aaron DeBerg of Dubs Marketing announced at a press conference in Fairmont, Minn. "Boom is just not attracting the fans like they did in its hey-day. We need to bring the Laura Kurtts, the Shane Sandersf***s, The Noths, the Lisa Carlsons, the Kodas and the Tory Kukowski's real or imagined girlfriends of the world back to the bleacherless ballfield. We're hopeful this deal will do that."

In addition to the team poster and marketing slogan, Dubs Marketing also announced the following corporate partnerships:
• craigslist - official footwear sponsor of Boom Goes the Dynamite
• University Printing Services - official provider of Bob Swoverland, purveyor of team posters
• Fairview Southdale Hospital - official provider of orthopaedic surgeons (deal negotiated by Shane Sandersf***)
• Meshbencer & Spence - official arbitration attorneys for Lisa Hardy's weekly arguments and Cooper's legal troubles
• RC Cola and Old Milwaukee beer - official beverage provider (deal negotiated by Steve Geller and Kevin Noth)
• Fantasy Tan - official spray-on tan supplier (deal negotiated by Meghan Potter and Alicia Jerome)
• Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference - official sponsor of the Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week and Disappointment of the Year awards

"Adding these corporate partners to the Boom family will allow us to do some monumental things," Boom vice president for corporate communications Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) said. "We'll be able to get Kukowski, Geller and Lady Kurtt some cleats; we'll be covered when Coughlin inevitably gets hurt again; we'll keep Hardy and Cooper out of jail; and we'll continue to disparage the name of Mike Lochrem. What more can you ask for?"

In conjuction with Boom's corporate sponsors, the franchise announced several promotional events that will surely bring fans back to the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields this summer:
• Aging utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) will be making several public appearances in the next few weeks and months to meet and greet fans, sign autographs and do household chores. Already the featured guest at the May 4 grand opening of the University of Minnesota boat house, Geller will appear at the House of Hanson on May 17, superfan-in-training Emily Wickstrom's 23rd birthday party on May 22, Tory Kukowski and Shane Sandersf***'s going-away parties on June 1 and 15, and the birth of Kevin and Casey Kurtt's first child on Nov. 4.
• Kevin Noth Bobblehead Night, presented by Curtis K. Walker Law Offices
• Cooper Frisbee Show and Law Enforcement Appreciation Night, presented by Wham-O
• Run the Bases with Lisa Hardy Postgame Party, presented by Pam
• Remembering Shane Sandersf***, emceed by Mike Max and presented by Brew's Crew, free neck braces to first 10 fans
• Cooper vs. Koda Dogfight Match, presented by Ron Mexico & Associates (cancelled)
• Bloody Kiddie Pool Night, presented by All-American Recreation, free Kyle Coughlin Celebri-lame-ducks to all fans in attendance
• Arrogant Hockey Player Night, presented by Maynard's Restaurant
• Bob Swoverland Appreciation Night, presented by Bob Swoverland, free team poster to the first fan

"We're going to ignite the excitement of Boom Nation with these promotions," adjunct promotional director Deb Diamond said. "Who wouldn't want a Kevin Noth Bobblehead? Who wouldn't want to run the bases with Lisa Hardy? Who wouldn't want a Shane Sandersf*** Memorial Neck Brace? Well, I wouldn't, but I hear the Kurtt family would and they know good freebies when they see them. If the Kurtts aren't a good barometer of the public's interest in Boom Goes the Dynamite softball, then I shouldn't be in the marketing and promotions business."

The final piece of the major announcement revolved around the addition of several broadcast partners for Boom Goes the Dynamite games and ancillary events. Through negotiations with Dubs Marketing, Victory Sports announced it will televise the 2007 season in its entirety and will dig into its archives to broadcast Classic Boom Contests from previous seasons.

"We'd like to welcome Victory Sports to the Boom family," team president Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "With Dave Lee on play-by-play and Sara Berhow on color, we know we'll be getting top-notch announcing at every game. I, for one, can't wait for the Classic Boom Contests against Yep, Capella and the Humpday Hackers. This is the greatest television deal in the history of the world."

Boom's extended the contract of its long-time radio partner, La Mera Buena 107.5 FM, to last through the 2011 season, not coincidentally the final season of two-time MVP/salary cap killer Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.). In addition to broadcasting all games live, La Mera Buena will produce weekly shows for the Boom Radio Network, including Gabbin' with Geller (Tuesdays at 3 p.m.), The Meghan Potter/Kyle Coughlin Relationship Advice Hour (Wednesdays at 11 a.m.), Keiser Say So (Thursdays at 11 p.m) and the Shane Sandersf*** Dance Party (Fridays, 2 a.m.). The Doritos & Coke Pre- and Post-Game show, hosted by Rita Maloney and Mike Grimm will continue to provide the Boom fan with interviews, postgame reactions, feature stories and made-up stats.

"With La Mera Buena on board, everyone within a three-square-mile radius of the station in St. Bonafacius will be able to hear Boom games in digital radio quality, both in English and Spanish," Keiser said. "Calling the games will be the ubiquitous Tom Witschen with up-and-comer Cameron Noth as analyst. Tony Oliva will continue to call the games in Spanish."

Boom's internet partner, Mr. Heavyfoot, has and will continue to be the ultimate destination for all things related to Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Contract Talks With Geller Break Down

Contract negotiations between two-time defending CSC champion Boom Goes The Dynamite and long-time player Steven Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) have broken down. Geller, in the final year of a four-year, $12.5 million deal, will go to arbitration following the 2007 season after balking at a new three-year, $3 million deal with a team option for a fourth year.

While Geller has posted strong numbers at the plate with a .635 batting average, three home runs and 14 RBI on the season, his fielding prowess has faded and concerns about the condition of his oft-injured throwing shoulder has management concerned about his future. "We obviously want to keep Coolies for the long-term," team general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "He is a charter member of this franchise but it appears as though his career as a player is headed in the designated hitter role and we cannot afford to pay him Kevin Kurtt type of money."

Geller has seen time in a variety of roles during the 2007 season including stints at pitcher, third base, left field and even catcher. Geller has five errors in just 16 chances this season.

"We aren't going to talk until after the season and we intend on going to arbitration," Frankie McSnickers, Geller's long-time agent said. "There is a complete lack of respect for what Steve has given to this organization. He has given his heart, body and soul to Boom. The fact that they made him catch for five innings earlier was an insult to a player of his talent and status in this league."

Keiser has also raised questions regarding Geller's physical commitment and attention to his injuries. He has suffered a variety of ailments, including a torn labrum and a foot injury sustained after stepping on a golf tee but has refused rehabilitation. "We needed to put Steve on the 15-day disabled list and then send him to Albuquerque for rehab but he refused. Then he downs a Coke and a bag of Doritos prior to every game. We have given him protein shakes and sent him to the team nutritionist, but it's just not paying off."

Geller's best season came in 2005 when he went 7-3 on the mound and recorded a .671 batting average.

Boom Craps the Bed in 9-4 Loss to Cleveland Steamers

Locally-renowned sports psychologist Rick Aberman and significantly less-renowned amateur sports therapist Chris Cords have been retained by CSC softball franchise Boom Goes the Dynamite after last night's near-full-team mental, emotional and physical meltdown in a 9-4 loss to the undefeated Cleveland Steamers at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Boom (3-2) appeared to sleep-walk through the entire seven-inning game, posting only seven hits to suffer its first two-loss season since the 2005 campaign.

"I know I can speak for Dr. Aberman when I say I'm scared s**t-less about what we're about to embark on with this team of mental midgets," Cords said from the Mac. "After one viewing of the game film, it looks like we've got some pretty big head-cases to deal with. I could spend my whole career on the enigma that is Kyle Coughlin and still never crack that nut. To work out the kinks on a team full of lunatics will not be easy."

Aberman, and to a much lesser extent, Cords, will attempt to solve the riddle behind the godawful performances throughout the Boom roster. Questions abound as to why Boom players can crap the bed a week after a 22-12 rout over previously undefeated ERAC in Fog Bowl II. Questions such as:

• How does aging utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) continue to amaze onlookers with his contradicting mix of a good glove/powerful bat with a horrible arm?
• Why, after hitting two cans-o'-corn to a girl in right field that catches like she's carrying a bucket filled with water, does wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) continue trying to hit to the opposite field?
• How is it possible that first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) can get into an argument with CSC personnel every single week?
• Why was third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) late?
• Why can't outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) hit the ball anymore?
• Where was early-season superfan favorite Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.)?
• Why does Boom's shortest male player, outfielder Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), think he's a power-hitter?
• Why did the underachieving Coughlin feel the need rattle the psyche of female player of the week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) with a low-blow comment about Jerome's lily-white skin?
• Why is Megan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) so damn tan this early in the season?

"I don't claim to know much about psychology, but most of my teammates looked like they were sucking on purpose," shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), a beacon of light on an otherwise dreary evening, said. "I can't wait to see Aberman and Cords work their magic with some of the basket cases on this team. I wonder if they can do anything for my psycho, law-breaking dog."

Aside from the acquisition of Aberman and Cords, Team President/General Manager/Chief Scout/Director of Player Personnel/Social Coordinator Jeff Keiser said that he'll be making some drastic midseason changes to the Boom roster. "We're bringing in some new blood. Whether it's Tyler Thomson, Matt Schroeder, that girl with Gopher assistant baseball coach Rob Fornasiere as her dad, Shane Sandersf*** or Dubs, we're going to get some players in here that won't 'mail it in' like Potter and Hardy. Who ever doesn't get cut is hitting the cages."

"I can't speak for the rest of my teammates, but I missed Noth," part-time catcher, full-time baby factory Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) said about outfielder Kevin Noth (Minneapolis, Minn.) - absent due to an illness in his burgeoning family. "As hard as it is for me to say this, I think he's the glue that keeps this team together. I know, I know, he's struck out more times than the rest of the team put together, but there's something about that guy that defines Boom Goes the Dynamite. Is it his cleats? Is it the shine of his bald head? Is it the way he falls on his ass while catching pop-flies or the way he falls on his face while running to first? I don't know, but he was missed."

In other news, team attorney Andrea Smith announced that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team will fight the citation lobbed upon Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year front-runner Cooper (Zimmerman, Minn.). The hyperactive dog owned by Kevin and knocked-up Casey Kurtt was handed an off-leash violation by a pair of over-zealous Minneapolis Park Patrol officers who spotted Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan favorite Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) playing Frisbee adjacent to Diamond #4 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields.

"We're going to fight this $23 ticket to the highest levels," Smith said. "Cooper is innocent and those trainee cops are weenies. That's our defense. Let me also add that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team does not endorse Kevin Noth's lawsuit of craigslist. He's fighting that one without my services."

Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite wraps up the regular season next week with a contest against the Outlawz (1-4), a team comprised of unemployed stuntmen, homosexual shoe salesmen, soccer moms and one black man. With a win, Boom will lock up a berth in the CSC Playoffs. First pitch is at 7:10 p.m., on Monday, May 21, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #2.

Notes
• Despite the protestations of hot-head Lisa Hardy, this release was written even in the wake of last night's loss. There is also a release available on Mr. Heavyfoot for Boom's 13-5 loss to Yellow Snow on April 23. So there. Pfffft.
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 67-42 through five games this season.
• In addition to widespread mental and emotional breakdowns, last night's piss-poor performance looked to be a factor of complacency on the part of the Boom Goes the Dynamite franchise. After the April 23 loss to Yellow Snow, Boom rebounded in a big was last week with a 22-12 win over ERAC, only to see complacency set in against an over-rated Steamers team.
• Debate continues as to what a Cleveland Steamer is exactly. Mr. Heavyfoot will not take part in such a debate.
• Outfielder Meghan Potter did not appreciate being called "Pottsie" by Kevin Kurtt.
• Earning 5•8 Club Co-Players of the Week were Kevin Kurtt (3-for-4, 2 RBI) and Alicia Jerome (only female player to show up, figuratively that is).
• Picking up this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award was Meghan Potter (too tan, failed to run out a slow grounder at a crucial moment of the game).
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller's shoulder must be ailing. How else can one describe his throws from third base and right center?
- Kevin Kurtt has a boo-boo on his right hip from sliding to make a play at shortstop.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend failed to make an appearance at the fifth consecutive Boom game, leading many to question her actual existence.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Pam Hardy
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (4 appearances), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (2 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (1 app.)
• Stay tuned to Mr. Heavyfoot for a major Boom Goes the Dynamite marketing announcement.

Geller Sets CSC Nickname Mark

Boom Goes the Dynamite veteran Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) recently set a new CSC all-sports record for nicknames when teammate Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) called the aging utility player “Gelly Donut” in the fourth inning of Boom's 9-4 loss to the Cleveland Steamers last night. Geller now has 22 nicknames: Easy Stroke, Small Medium & Gell-Large, Old Geller, Gelly Donut, Gell-Gell Cool J, Stroke, Gell, Penn & Geller, Gellajandro, Uri Geller, Peanut Butter & Gelly, Cool J, Coolies, Gelly Bean, Gelly Belly, Messy Steve, Steve-O, Gell-Gell, Big Steve, Stefan Gellar, Gelly Ache and Gell-arr.

Kukowski ranks a distant second on the team with seven monikers: Kuko, Kooks, Tory-Tory-Tory, Teeks, TK, Snacks and Intern Boy.

At the time of his broken-neck-fueled retirement, Shane Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa) - a former outfielder/slugger for Boom predecessors Gas on the Fire and I'm With Stupid - owned 14 nicknames: Sugar, Sug, Sanderschimp, Sandersbitch, Sandersfield, Shawn, Shan, Big Goofy, Quiet Storm, Sug-Diddy, Shan, Dance Monkey, thecooldiesel and Big Daddy Cool Diesel.

From the "Whoever Did This Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands" Department

We were never very good at RBI Baseball on the old-school Nintendo, so this video really boggles our mind. How did this guy re-enact, pitch-for-pitch, the last inning of Game Six of the 1986 World Series with such amazing attention to detail? How long did it take him to sync the video game with the Vin Scully call of the game? Finally, how did he keep his mom from disturbing him while he did this in his parents' basement?

The Doggie Bag - Boom Goes Social Indoors

• From Boom Goes the Dynamite Team President/General Manager/Director of Player Personnel/Social Coordinator: "Since the weather is very up in the air for tonight, I suggest we just go somewhere indoors after our 6 pm game if we play, plus this helps accommodate Kyle having to take the Big Ten Network people out after picking them up at the airport. I just don't want you all to spend money on food we won't be able to eat. We can do the cookout next week I hope."
• From the "I can't believe she's kept him around this long" department, the First Couple of Bierman, Kevin and Knocked-Up Casey Kurtt, celebrate their second wedding anniversary today. How will the Kurtts celebrate their big day? By playing softball. How romantical.
• This may be Kyle Coughlin's favorite Family Guy clip of all time.
• This may be Kyle Coughlin's second favorite Family Guy clip of all time.
• Shane Sandersf***, circa 2000. Ahh, the good ol' days when mullets were cool.

Father Distraught to Learn His Daughter is Playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite

John Potter of Hibbing, Minn., was extremely distraught to learn yesterday that his 26-year-old daughter, Meghan, has been playing on the low-level slow-pitch softball team Boom Goes the Dynamite. John Potter learned the disappointing news when he called his daughter's house yesterday evening.

“Meghan was all excited, saying, ‘Dad, guess what. I’m playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. I’m a starter, Dad!’” remembered the elder Potter. “But I couldn’t even respect her after she told me that. She’s such a disappointment. I can’t believe my girl, my favorite daughter, is a member of Boom Goes the Dynamite. It's such a step down in my baby girl's softball career, yet somehow she’s so clueless she doesn’t even realize that. Not only is she delusional, it appears she’s a moron, as well.”

“I could tell dad was really proud of me when I told him,” Meghan said. “He wouldn’t even respond anymore. I think he was choked up and didn’t want me to hear him cry. I really made him proud.”

John called his daughter's team president, Jeff Keiser, to confirm the news. “Jeff is a good guy and tried to sugarcoat it, saying Meghan tries hard and is improving,” John said, “but I know better. My girl is a failure.”

“I tried to be as honest as possible with Mr. Potter,” Keiser said. “But I know it’s never easy to hear that your child has been playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. It’s every parent’s nightmare.”

Mr. Potter said it will take him some time to get over the disappointment of his daughter's athletic failings, especially after a mediocre softball career at North Dakota State during which she earned honorable mention on the 2003 Academic All-North Central Conference Team.

“You do your best, you know?” he said. “I’ve tried to play catch with her since she was old enough to hold a ball, but she never really seemed to put it all together. I just pray she doesn’t embarrass me too much out there. That is if I can even make myself go to the games.”

Yo, Mammy!

Although somewhat belatedley, members of Boom Goes the Dynamite and friends of the members of Boom Goes the Dynamite wanted to send out special messages to their moms on Mother's Day.

Kyle Casey: Thank you for passing down the hair gene...or lack thereof.
Molly Casey: Thanks for your caramel rolls.
Kyle Coughlin: Thank you for not naming me Kevin.
Steve Geller: Thanks for proving to me that not every person from the East Coast has to be such a jerk.
Lisa Hardy: Thanks for teaching me that running fast should always (ALWAYS!) be optional.
Alicia Jerome: It was you that showed me that arriving even a minute before game time is a waste of time. Thanks for that.
Jeff Keiser: Thanks for teaching me that everything in life is either "the best/funniest/warmest/coldest/hardest/etc. thing ever" or "the worst/un-funniest/coldest/warmest/easiest/etc. thing ever."
Tory Kukowski: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for never calling me Teeks.
Casey Kurtt: Thank you for my, ahem, assets.
Kevin Kurtt: Thanks for teaching me that when I do something well it was you who taught me that, but when I do something poorly, it's dad's fault.
Laura Kurtt: Thanks for showing me how to dance.
Jesse Miller: Thank you for not giving up hope on getting a son.
Maggie Miller: Thanks for welcoming Quimby into the family. He's soooo much better than Cooper.
Kevin Noth: It was you that showed how to save money on shoes. For that, I am forever grateful.
Meghan Potter: Thanks for teaching me that there ain't no better man than an arrogant, hockey-playing man.
Shane Sandersf***: Thanks for teaching me the joys of Pinky Man.
Andrea Smith: Thanks for passing down the short genes to me.
Michelle Train: Thank you for not naming me Elaine.
Emily Wickstrom: Thanks for showing me how to be a top-notch drama queen.
Koda: Thanks for putting these really easy-to-chew-through leashes on me.
Cooper: Thanks for making dad get off his lazy ass to play Frisbee with me.
Maggie (the dog): Thanks for putting up with my constantly-shedding fur for all these years.

The Doggie Bag - Demonic Squirrels

• Actual entries in the police report from the Star Tribune West:
- Carver County, April 27 - A caller on Mockingbird Lane in Waconia said a 29-year-old man was screaming gibberish. The caller believed the man was speaking Latin and that he was possessed by demons. Police were unable to find the man.
- Chanhassen, May 3 - A caller in the 3800 block of Leslee Curve said two squirrels were blocking the door to a residence.
• Knocked-up wife Casey Kurtt attempted to knock out her husband Kevin on Wednesday, firing a softball to the expectant father's cheek bone/jaw. Casey claimed she saw Kevin look up at her before throwing, while Kevin asserts he never once made eye contact with his sweetums. Kevin is now sporting a small bruised bump on the right side of his exceedingly attractive face. "Softballs are anything but," Kevin said.
• Pearl the Landlord says, I want my money!!!
• Jamie Kennedy has a small bathroom break he has to do.
• If you haven't seen Pizzagate at Fenway Park from earlier this season, you haven't lived. Kudos go to the NESN announcers who really rose to the occasion. Stay classy, Boston.
- Part One
- Part Two
• Finally, that guy needs a hug.

Today's Musical Guest: Ronald Jenkees

From time to time, Mr. Heavyfoot will introduce you to a musical act we find entertaining, unique or just plain good. Today, we give you Ronald Jenkees:

While I’ll be the first one to tell you I’m different, there’s nothing wrong with me or the way I am! I understand some people just need to speculate things (that’s normal) but there’s nothing wrong with my brain (LOL) and I’m definitely not a savant (go check out some Beethoven for that, folks). I realize that some will think I’m fake, some will think I’m too weird, and maybe a few folks will actually digg my jams.

We, for one, digg his jams.

Ronald Jenkees at YouTube
Ronald Jenkees Official Site

Introducing Mr. Heavyfoot

Mr. Heavyfoot launched on May 9, 2007, eliciting the obvious question of "Why Mr. Heavyfoot?" Aside from our well-documented proclivity for speeding, Mr. Heavyfoot actually refers to an obscure character from the Canadian sketch comedy show Kids in the Hall.

The blog Mr. Heavyfoot promises you, the Interweb surfer, a collection of fake news releases that may or may not mean a darn thing to you, various and sundry videos that we find amusing and other stuff to ensure that work productivity stays low.

Mr. Heavyfoot is and will continue to be the ultimate destination for all things related to Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball. What's Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball? Oh, it's just a two-time defending CSC Champion, a winning franchise in 25 of its last 26 games, a team comprised of lame duck athletic communicators, washed-up athletic communicators, an over-dramatic athletic creative director, underpaid and underappreciated athletic secretaries, a mediocre athletic photographer, a short lawyer-to-be, a soon-to-be unemployed athletic communication intern, a teacher with an expanding belly and a new dad with $5 cleats.

Comments, visitor submissions, monetary donations and baseless death threats are wholeheartedly welcome.

Athletic Communications All-Time Worst Sporting Moments

1. Dave Reidinger (aka Cheese) striking out twice (four straight whiffs) in an I'm With Stupid softball game.
2. Steve Geller rolling a 68 in bowling in the first annual SID Olympics.
3. Shane Sandersfeld fouling out twice in a softball game.
4. Kevin Kurtt bailing on the Race of the Decade with a hamstring injury.
5. John Romo's shoddy performance in a Media Relations vs. Marketing softball game.
6. Alicia Jerome, a former NCAA Division I softball player, striking out twice in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.
7. Kyle Coughlin soaking his bloody leg in a kiddie pool after sliding into a wooden home plate.
8. Steve Geller stepping on a golf tee in his kitchen.
9. Iggy the parakeet attack following an I'm With Stupid softball game.
10. Kevin Noth getting heckled by passers-by after over-running third base in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.

Honorable Mention (Boom Goes the Dynamite edition)
Alicia Jerome taking a ball in the face at third base vs. Capella.
Kyle Coughlin sending Casey Kurtt home while the ball was in the infield vs. Capella.
Humpday Hacker right fielder arguing with Kyle/blowing the game by wiping out in the outfield.
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep.
Lisa Hardy getting called a “bitch” after game against Capella followed by Kyle Coughlin holding her back.
Humpday Hackers complaining about Steve Geller’s chicken scratches in the scorebook.

Fog Bowl II: Boom Goes the Dynamite Attacks ERAC

A dream match-up between a pair of defending CSC League Champions turned into a spectator's nightmare last night as Lake Nokomis and Mother Nature unleashed a fury of fog to cloud what was a dominating 22-12 rout for Boom Goes the Dynamite over previously undefeated ERAC, a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers.

In fog-related news, a report of an abduction of right fielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) during the period of heavy fog proved to be unfounded.

"I turned around and Meghan was gone," second baseman and 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) said. "I saw nothing but fog. I thought for sure somebody grabbed her and ran. Frankly, I would have been glad if they had because she was playing like it was her junior season at North Dakota State when she batted .182."

Boom adjunct meteorologist Lori Noth of KARE-TV, wife of outfielder/catcher/craigslist victim/lawsuit plaintiff Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.), explained the reasons behind the formation of fog on the softball diamond. "It's about relative humidity and condensation nuclei, but really the fog last night was about covering up my husband's putrid play of late. I don't want my son to see those cheap-ass cleats, that girlie arm or those multiple strikeouts. Thank you fog."

When informed of her husband's 4-for-4, error-free 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week performance, Lori Noth refused to revise her earlier statement, saying only that "it must have been a fluke."

Boom Goes the Dynamite improved to 3-1 on the season in comeback fashion, helped largely by gargantuan home runs in the fourth inning by Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Following the game, ERAC refused to believe those round-trippers were the result of natural and legal causes.

"There's no way a short guy, a scrawny shortstop and a guy that swings at pitches over his head should be able to hit softballs that far," ERAC infielder Hector Escondido said. "Whether it's HGH, EPO or some bovine steroid, those guys are on the juice. Let's just say I have a call in to former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell."

"I can't speak for Kevin or Steve, but what you see here is 100 percent all-natural Keiser," the diminutive left fielder/catcher/husband of a wife that could kick his ass said. "Do you honestly think I'd be eating all those crappy salads and avoiding sugar like the plague if I was on steroids? Puh-leeze."

"My home run was about pure rage," Kurtt said. "Cooper wouldn't shut up. My mom kept telling me how bad I was playing. My dad was calling me Chuck Knoblauch. And Keiser said my bat was dead. Well, look at me now. Look at me now, bitches."

"I'm not here to talk about the past," Geller added.

In other controversial news, first baseman and resident hothead Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) successfully got in an argument with a CSC umpire for the third consecutive season when a limp-wristed throw by pitcher/journeyman/injury-prone/wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) to Hardy was broken up by the running of ERAC's second baseman.

"Honestly, is anyone surprised anymore when Lisa gets in an argument?" third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) said. "If Jesus Christ were a CSC umpire, Hardy would argue balls and strikes."

In other news, outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) earned this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award, reverting to his inning-ending, pop-up hitting self, further disappointing his real or imagined girlfriend in the process.

The rout of ERAC sets up another key mid-season match-up with league leader Cleveland Steamers (3-0), a team comprised of sexual deviants and refrigerator deliverymen. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces the Cleveland Steamers at 6 p.m., on Monday, May 14, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.

Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 63-33 through four games this season.
• Three players - Steve Geller, Jeff Keiser and Kevin Noth - made their first appearance of the season at catcher.
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller removed himself from the outfield with a sore elbow after doing his best impression of an inaccurate Jeff Keiser throw from the outfield.
- Andrea Smith suffered a mild concussion after misplaying a grounder at third base, allowing the ball to fly above her and land squarely on her head.
• Cooper had to take a hell of a bath after the game.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, , Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt - The Kurtts are now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Noticeably absent in the stands was early Superfan leader Laura Kurtt. Her mother was unabashedly disappointed in her only daughter.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (2 apps.) Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Beth Kurtt (1 app.), Jim Kurtt (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie - Maggie now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award
• Mascot standings: Cooper (4 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (1 app.)