Locally-renowned sports psychologist Rick Aberman and significantly less-renowned amateur sports therapist Chris Cords have been retained by CSC softball franchise Boom Goes the Dynamite after last night's near-full-team mental, emotional and physical meltdown in a 9-4 loss to the undefeated Cleveland Steamers at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Boom (3-2) appeared to sleep-walk through the entire seven-inning game, posting only seven hits to suffer its first two-loss season since the 2005 campaign.
"I know I can speak for Dr. Aberman when I say I'm scared s**t-less about what we're about to embark on with this team of mental midgets," Cords said from the Mac. "After one viewing of the game film, it looks like we've got some pretty big head-cases to deal with. I could spend my whole career on the enigma that is Kyle Coughlin and still never crack that nut. To work out the kinks on a team full of lunatics will not be easy."
Aberman, and to a much lesser extent, Cords, will attempt to solve the riddle behind the godawful performances throughout the Boom roster. Questions abound as to why Boom players can crap the bed a week after a 22-12 rout over previously undefeated ERAC in Fog Bowl II. Questions such as:
• How does aging utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) continue to amaze onlookers with his contradicting mix of a good glove/powerful bat with a horrible arm?
• Why, after hitting two cans-o'-corn to a girl in right field that catches like she's carrying a bucket filled with water, does wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) continue trying to hit to the opposite field?
• How is it possible that first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) can get into an argument with CSC personnel every single week?
• Why was third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) late?
• Why can't outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) hit the ball anymore?
• Where was early-season superfan favorite Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.)?
• Why does Boom's shortest male player, outfielder Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), think he's a power-hitter?
• Why did the underachieving Coughlin feel the need rattle the psyche of female player of the week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) with a low-blow comment about Jerome's lily-white skin?
• Why is Megan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) so damn tan this early in the season?
"I don't claim to know much about psychology, but most of my teammates looked like they were sucking on purpose," shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), a beacon of light on an otherwise dreary evening, said. "I can't wait to see Aberman and Cords work their magic with some of the basket cases on this team. I wonder if they can do anything for my psycho, law-breaking dog."
Aside from the acquisition of Aberman and Cords, Team President/General Manager/Chief Scout/Director of Player Personnel/Social Coordinator Jeff Keiser said that he'll be making some drastic midseason changes to the Boom roster. "We're bringing in some new blood. Whether it's Tyler Thomson, Matt Schroeder, that girl with Gopher assistant baseball coach Rob Fornasiere as her dad, Shane Sandersf*** or Dubs, we're going to get some players in here that won't 'mail it in' like Potter and Hardy. Who ever doesn't get cut is hitting the cages."
"I can't speak for the rest of my teammates, but I missed Noth," part-time catcher, full-time baby factory Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) said about outfielder Kevin Noth (Minneapolis, Minn.) - absent due to an illness in his burgeoning family. "As hard as it is for me to say this, I think he's the glue that keeps this team together. I know, I know, he's struck out more times than the rest of the team put together, but there's something about that guy that defines Boom Goes the Dynamite. Is it his cleats? Is it the shine of his bald head? Is it the way he falls on his ass while catching pop-flies or the way he falls on his face while running to first? I don't know, but he was missed."
In other news, team attorney Andrea Smith announced that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team will fight the citation lobbed upon Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year front-runner Cooper (Zimmerman, Minn.). The hyperactive dog owned by Kevin and knocked-up Casey Kurtt was handed an off-leash violation by a pair of over-zealous Minneapolis Park Patrol officers who spotted Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan favorite Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) playing Frisbee adjacent to Diamond #4 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields.
"We're going to fight this $23 ticket to the highest levels," Smith said. "Cooper is innocent and those trainee cops are weenies. That's our defense. Let me also add that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team does not endorse Kevin Noth's lawsuit of craigslist. He's fighting that one without my services."
Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite wraps up the regular season next week with a contest against the Outlawz (1-4), a team comprised of unemployed stuntmen, homosexual shoe salesmen, soccer moms and one black man. With a win, Boom will lock up a berth in the CSC Playoffs. First pitch is at 7:10 p.m., on Monday, May 21, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #2.
Notes
• Despite the protestations of hot-head Lisa Hardy, this release was written even in the wake of last night's loss. There is also a release available on Mr. Heavyfoot for Boom's 13-5 loss to Yellow Snow on April 23. So there. Pfffft.
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 67-42 through five games this season.
• In addition to widespread mental and emotional breakdowns, last night's piss-poor performance looked to be a factor of complacency on the part of the Boom Goes the Dynamite franchise. After the April 23 loss to Yellow Snow, Boom rebounded in a big was last week with a 22-12 win over ERAC, only to see complacency set in against an over-rated Steamers team.
• Debate continues as to what a Cleveland Steamer is exactly. Mr. Heavyfoot will not take part in such a debate.
• Outfielder Meghan Potter did not appreciate being called "Pottsie" by Kevin Kurtt.
• Earning 5•8 Club Co-Players of the Week were Kevin Kurtt (3-for-4, 2 RBI) and Alicia Jerome (only female player to show up, figuratively that is).
• Picking up this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award was Meghan Potter (too tan, failed to run out a slow grounder at a crucial moment of the game).
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller's shoulder must be ailing. How else can one describe his throws from third base and right center?
- Kevin Kurtt has a boo-boo on his right hip from sliding to make a play at shortstop.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend failed to make an appearance at the fifth consecutive Boom game, leading many to question her actual existence.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Pam Hardy
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (4 appearances), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (2 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (1 app.)
• Stay tuned to Mr. Heavyfoot for a major Boom Goes the Dynamite marketing announcement.
No comments:
Post a Comment