Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced the creation of an exploratory committee to determine which of their four daughters – Casey, Jesse, Maggie and Molly – will achieve Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status. The competition is expected to be hotly-contested between the it's-hard-to-believe-they-all-came-from-the-same-gene-pool daughters. Michael and Mary will chair the committee, and will be joined by neighbor Boogie, Most Favored Uncle Mike Maloney, family matriarch Winifred Marguerite Maloney and one member of the Paul Lake-loving family, the Bordenaves.
MFD Status will afford the awarded daughter with special and exclusive privileges such as a one-year exemption from unannounced parent drop-ins, an increased ration of Mary-produced caramel rolls, no-strings-attached viewings of sporting events on the big-screen HD TV in Lakeland, an embargo on all Shania Twain songs and references, and free babysitting/dog-sitting/boyfriend-sitting for three different weekend nights. It's unclear if the exploratory committee will also reveal which Miller girl owns Least Favored Daughter status.
"Listen, we love each and every one of our daughters a lot," Mary said in a carefully-worded statement. "We just want to determine which daughter we love the most. From time to time in the last 30 years, we've vascillated between adoring our daughters to considering a clandestine getaway to a distant country. We just feel it's time to, once and for all, make clear which one we love the most. It's pretty straightforward."
"I'm excited to see what the committee concludes," Michael said from a press conference at Curtis 1000 headquarters. "I love my girls as much as fantasy football, golf and John Gagliardi. Would I love a son more? Sure. But that's not what we're talking about. We would be if Mary would have blessed me with a boy. **sniff** Does anybody have a Kleenex?"
The creation of the Most Favored Daughter Committee produced a variety of responses from the Miller daughters and observers of the Miller family. Perhaps not surprisingly, it was eldest daughter Maggie, 30, who was the most willing to give her opinion on the creation of the MFD Committee.
"This is a complete and utter sham," Maggie said from a sparsely-attended press conference at The Liffey. "We all know that Molly has been and always will be their favorite daughter. Do you honestly think they're going to award my single, curly-haired and key-losing butt Most Favored Daughter status? Ha! You think Casey and Jesse have a chance? Yeah, right. I have three letters for you. I-B-S. Their gassy asses pretty much doomed them from day one. Congrats, Molly. You won this title at birth. Way to go."
The other Miller daughters had unique feelings about the Most Favored Daughter development.
"Need I remind my parents that I'm going to make them grandparents first?" Casey, 28, said before downing a peanut butter, pickle, pistachio and cheese sandwich. "It was I who got married first. It was I who got knocked-up first. It should be I who gets this toast-flavored stratus thing."
"I couldn't give a rat's ass about this competition," Molly, 26, said while trying to remember the address of her realty company's website. "I have a prom staircase. And an Audi. And my baby is going be be damn cute. You think I care about this MFD thing. I have bigger fish to fry, thank you very much."
"I love you, Mom and Dad," a brown-nosing Jesse, 22, said during a commercial break while watching America's Next Top Model.
"This might be the best idea to ever come out of 16087 North First Street," neighbor Jenny Keller said. "Those chicks all walk around here like they own this podunk town. It's about time they ranked those big-chested bee-yotches. Unfortunately, someone has to win."
The Most Favored Daughter Committee has its hands full as each of the Miller girls brings a unique set of pros and cons to the table. An insider source who asked to be referred to as M. Maloney or Mike M. revealed some of the issues the committee is taking under consideration.
"Well, they're all hot. So they have that going for them. Beyond that, we're looking at financial matters. Did they attend an expensive private school or an affordable public institution? Do they own a McMansion or a run-down townhouse? We're talking about their significant others. What can their husbands or boyfriends do for Mike and Mary? Can they get them tickets to sporting events, free golf or cheap meat products? Does having a significant other help them or hurt them?
"Then there's the ancillary issues. How cute or well-behaved is their dog, if they have one? Does it shed its fur like the bejeezus? Is the daughter going to bleed the Millers' savings account dry with another wedding? Do they have a Master's degree from an evil school to the east? Were the sports they competed in entertaning or incredibly boring? Do they live too close or too far away? Do they talk about bras or mentrual cycles or flatulence at family dinners? Wait, they all do that. Well, regardless, we have a lot to consider."
The MFD committee is set to meet over the Memorial Day weekend and issue its decision whenever it gets around to it.
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