Daughter's Last Name Thoroughly Confusing Mike and Mary Miller

Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced that their third-eldest daughter, Molly, has been eliminated from contending for Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status (link) as her parents are thoroughly confused by her last name of Casey. According to sources close to the couple, the Millers routinely mix up Molly Casey with their second-eldest daughter, Casey Kurtt.

"It all started at the bridal shop in the months leading up to Molly's wedding," Mary said. "The bridesmaids would show up to get fitted for their dresses. The ladies at the shop would ask for the last names of the bride and groom. Well, you had Molly Miller and you had Kyle Casey, so the file would be labeled 'Miller, Casey.' Well, that's my second-oldest daughter's maiden name and she got her dresses at the same shop for her wedding in 2005. It's no wonder half of the girls in Molly's wedding were dressed in purple while the others were in that champagne color."

The confusion over Molly's relatively new last name has resulted in countless incidences of befuddlement in the Miller household when calling daughters No. 2 and 3.

"Let's see if I can explain this," Mike said. "Before I even make the call, I have Mary verify which kid I'm calling. But we don't refer to them by their first names. If I say I'm going to call Casey, who am I going to call? It could be either one. So now we use code words to refer to the appropriate daughter. If I'm calling Casey Kurtt, we say 'the short one.' If I'm calling Molly Casey, we say 'the one with the huge-ass house."

"The confusion doesn't end there, though," Mike added. "If I call the one with the huge-ass house, they answer the phone by saying 'The Caseys' and I'm right back to being utterly and completely bewildered."

Since Molly's wedding on Nov. 4, 2006, the Millers have mixed up two of their daughters in numerous phone and in-person conversations. Neighbor Bob Keller has seen the effects of the confusing name situation on his longtime friend Mike.

"Out of 10 calls, I'd say there are six that Mike simply does not know who he's talking to," Keller said. "He can't figure out Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last. Add to that the fact that both of the husbands have two first names (Kyle Casey and Kevin Kurtt), and Mike's about ready to check into the Alzheimer's wing of North Memorial."

Regarding Molly's elimination from consideration for MFD status, the Millers were unapologetic.

"Molly just made too many poor choices," Mary said. "First, she marries a guy with the name Casey. Why couldn't she marry someone with a different Irish name like McDuff or something? Or maybe a good Italian name from my family's lineage as Marconis (link)? Then Molly goes ahead and gets pregnant with a due date within three or four weeks of Casey's. We were confused enough before she got knocked up. Finally, we found out that they're considering naming their kid Jesse. As if we weren't confused enough, they're thinking about using the name of our youngest daughter. As you can see, we really had no choice but to throw her out of the MFD competition."

Molly's elimination for MFD status follows eldest daughter Maggie Miller's elimination in the wake of her indictment as a major player in the alleged Michael Vick dogfighting operation (link). With Maggie and Molly out of the running for MFD, the race comes down to Chanhassen residents Casey Kurtt and Jesse Miller.

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Miller Family Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with more members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of Simpsons characters. Our fourth installment: The Miller Family (now with husbands and dogs!) - click the above photo for a hi-res version. Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

Miller Girls Vying for Most Favored Daughter Status

Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced the creation of an exploratory committee to determine which of their four daughters – Casey, Jesse, Maggie and Molly – will achieve Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status. The competition is expected to be hotly-contested between the it's-hard-to-believe-they-all-came-from-the-same-gene-pool daughters. Michael and Mary will chair the committee, and will be joined by neighbor Boogie, Most Favored Uncle Mike Maloney, family matriarch Winifred Marguerite Maloney and one member of the Paul Lake-loving family, the Bordenaves.

MFD Status will afford the awarded daughter with special and exclusive privileges such as a one-year exemption from unannounced parent drop-ins, an increased ration of Mary-produced caramel rolls, no-strings-attached viewings of sporting events on the big-screen HD TV in Lakeland, an embargo on all Shania Twain songs and references, and free babysitting/dog-sitting/boyfriend-sitting for three different weekend nights. It's unclear if the exploratory committee will also reveal which Miller girl owns Least Favored Daughter status.

"Listen, we love each and every one of our daughters a lot," Mary said in a carefully-worded statement. "We just want to determine which daughter we love the most. From time to time in the last 30 years, we've vascillated between adoring our daughters to considering a clandestine getaway to a distant country. We just feel it's time to, once and for all, make clear which one we love the most. It's pretty straightforward."

"I'm excited to see what the committee concludes," Michael said from a press conference at Curtis 1000 headquarters. "I love my girls as much as fantasy football, golf and John Gagliardi. Would I love a son more? Sure. But that's not what we're talking about. We would be if Mary would have blessed me with a boy. **sniff** Does anybody have a Kleenex?"

The creation of the Most Favored Daughter Committee produced a variety of responses from the Miller daughters and observers of the Miller family. Perhaps not surprisingly, it was eldest daughter Maggie, 30, who was the most willing to give her opinion on the creation of the MFD Committee.

"This is a complete and utter sham," Maggie said from a sparsely-attended press conference at The Liffey. "We all know that Molly has been and always will be their favorite daughter. Do you honestly think they're going to award my single, curly-haired and key-losing butt Most Favored Daughter status? Ha! You think Casey and Jesse have a chance? Yeah, right. I have three letters for you. I-B-S. Their gassy asses pretty much doomed them from day one. Congrats, Molly. You won this title at birth. Way to go."

The other Miller daughters had unique feelings about the Most Favored Daughter development.

"Need I remind my parents that I'm going to make them grandparents first?" Casey, 28, said before downing a peanut butter, pickle, pistachio and cheese sandwich. "It was I who got married first. It was I who got knocked-up first. It should be I who gets this toast-flavored stratus thing."

"I couldn't give a rat's ass about this competition," Molly, 26, said while trying to remember the address of her realty company's website. "I have a prom staircase. And an Audi. And my baby is going be be damn cute. You think I care about this MFD thing. I have bigger fish to fry, thank you very much."

"I love you, Mom and Dad," a brown-nosing Jesse, 22, said during a commercial break while watching America's Next Top Model.

"This might be the best idea to ever come out of 16087 North First Street," neighbor Jenny Keller said. "Those chicks all walk around here like they own this podunk town. It's about time they ranked those big-chested bee-yotches. Unfortunately, someone has to win."

The Most Favored Daughter Committee has its hands full as each of the Miller girls brings a unique set of pros and cons to the table. An insider source who asked to be referred to as M. Maloney or Mike M. revealed some of the issues the committee is taking under consideration.

"Well, they're all hot. So they have that going for them. Beyond that, we're looking at financial matters. Did they attend an expensive private school or an affordable public institution? Do they own a McMansion or a run-down townhouse? We're talking about their significant others. What can their husbands or boyfriends do for Mike and Mary? Can they get them tickets to sporting events, free golf or cheap meat products? Does having a significant other help them or hurt them?

"Then there's the ancillary issues. How cute or well-behaved is their dog, if they have one? Does it shed its fur like the bejeezus? Is the daughter going to bleed the Millers' savings account dry with another wedding? Do they have a Master's degree from an evil school to the east? Were the sports they competed in entertaning or incredibly boring? Do they live too close or too far away? Do they talk about bras or mentrual cycles or flatulence at family dinners? Wait, they all do that. Well, regardless, we have a lot to consider."

The MFD committee is set to meet over the Memorial Day weekend and issue its decision whenever it gets around to it.