Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite wrapped up the regular season in the first session of the 2007 season with a 12-2 rout of woefully-outmatched Outlawz last night at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. The win clinched Boom (4-2) a spot in the playoffs, but it was not without a sense of drama as knocked-up catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) risked the health and well-being of her 5-foot-1 self and that of her unborn child during an essentially meaningless play in the second inning.
Wife of dashingly handsome shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), Casey attempted to make a catch of a short fly ball near the Boom dugout, but came up short, falling forward before going into a barrel roll in an apparent effort to shield her ever-expanding belly from an impact with the infield dirt. Kevin was not pleased with Casey's utter disregard for human life, whether born or unborn.
"If there's no bun in the oven, she can run head-first into a light pole for all I care," Kevin said between gloats about his third consecutive game with a round-tripper. "But that's my handiwork she's lugging around in that cute little belly. I don't even know why she's playing. If (Lisa) Hardy didn't totally puss-out with her little neck problem, my sugar mama would be cheering us from the stands, not putting my future heir's life at risk. I do appreciate the hustle though."
Team management also appreciated the diminutive veteran infielder's hustle and her husband's 4-for-4 performance from the plate, awarding the First Couple of Bierman the 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Awards.
"Aside from Casey's flop, drop and roll, that little peanut sure showed our team what hustle is all about," team president, general manager, chief scout and director of player personnel Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "A few of our ladies should take some notes. I'm looking at you (Alicia) Jerome, (Meghan) Potter and Hardy. But the Kurtts really carried our play today. It's a shame they had to have their great performances without family members in the stands. Where the heck were all the Kurtts?"
According to insider sources, Laura Kurtt and parents Jim and Beth Kurtt, former frontrunners for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year Award, are contemplating a boycott of all future Boom Goes the Dynamite games and team functions in response to Laura being omitted from the team poster. Jim and Beth, along with fans Michelle Train and Shane Sandersf***, were included in the Keiser-produced, Bob Swoverland-printed poster.
"I demand a reprint," Laura said after a practice with her expansion kickball franchise, The Kit Shickers. "To include Train and leave me out is a travesty. I cheered for this team when they were Low Expectations with (Mike) Lundberg tripping over himself and The Fridge getting thrown out at first from left field. And this is how they re-pay me? I've got five words for you: Jeff Keiser is a jerk."
In a related development, Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year candidates Cooper and Maggie were also noticeably absent. MOY dark horse Koda made her second appearance, but chewed through her pricey leash, jeopardizing her postseason award hopes.
In on-field news, outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) earned her second consecutive Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award after doing her best impression of Lisa Hardy running lackadaisically on the basepaths. Twice last night, Potter failed to hustle, resulting in a second inning-ending double play and a preventable fourth inning out at second base.
"Maybe the people doing the stats were drunk, because I have a hard time believing that Potter had five stolen bases and two triples during her freshman season at North Dakota State," team hustler Casey Kurtt said. "I don't care if she can out-hit (Kevin) Noth. She has to understand she's a rookie on this team, and rookies need to earn their keep. Why team management is paying her what they are is beyond me."
In addition to the Kurtts' standout performances, several Dynamiters broke out of week-long slumps with strong showings against the Outlawz. With a confirmed appearance of his girlfriend Kate (last name withheld), Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) successfully avoided popping out at every at-bat, going 2-for-4 with a double in the fourth inning.
"It wasn't a vintage Kukowski night," third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.). "And that's a good thing. I just didn't need to see those two lovebirds playing kissy-face before and during the game. Yuck."
Despite receiving a harsh public admonishment from popular Minneapolis Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ, wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) also broke out of a hitting slump, showing power from both sides of the plate and displaying outstanding fielding prowess not previously seen at first base this season.
"Put that in your column, CJ," Coughlin barked.
After a week off for Memorial Day, Boom Goes the Dynamite enters the postseason with the 2007 CSC Playoffs on Monday, June 4. Boom takes on Foul Balls (2-4) at 6:10 p.m., on Diamond #7 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field. Foul Balls is a team comprised of ethanol salesmen, skanky strippers, an ultimate fighter and retired home economics teachers
Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 79-44 through six games this season.
• For the first time this season, third baseman Andrea Smith showed up early to the field.
• Kyle Coughlin appeared at first base for the second time this season.
• An angry Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) had to be restrained after getting called out at first base to complete a controversial double play. Amazingly, team hot-head Lisa Hardy did not argue the call.
• Injury report:
- In garbage time, substitute shortstop Tory Kukowski took a hard ground ball which nearly took off his fingernail on his right pinky.
- Koda's ego was bruised after owner Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) beat the dog's ass after chewing through its leash.
- The hole in inactive Lisa Hardy's neck looked painful.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend, Kate, made her first career appearance at a Boom game, leading none to question her actual existence.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, Pam Hardy, Tory's girlfriend Kate, Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary.
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (5 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (4 apps.), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (3 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate (1 app.), Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary (1 app.). Tory's girlfriend Kate and Tory's girlfriend Kate's sister Mary now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year Award.
• Mascots in attendance: Koda
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (2 apps.)
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