Romo Opens Defense of MIB Award with Subpar Performance

Former Minnesota state free throw champion John Romo (Hutchinson, Minn.) opened defense of his 2006-07 Minneapolis Bowling Congress Most Improved Bowler award last night with a subpar performance at Doyle's Bowling Alley & Lounge in Minneapolis. Romo began the night with a respectable 176 in the first game, before causing nearly $1,200 in damage to the ceiling tiles above lane 6 with a misguided throw of his 14-pound Brunswick Fury (video below). From there, the brains behind the not-your-daddy's gophersports.com rolled a 133 and 112 to finish 47 pins behind his 2006-07 MIB three-game average.

"It just wasn't my night," Romo said between sips from his Jack & Coke. "Maybe the award went to my head or maybe I'm feeling the pressure of my coworkers to live up to what they think of me, but I thought I had my alcohol intake-to-bowling performance ratio down to a science. When my ball hit the ceiling, I knew it was back to the drawing board. I just hope the Minneapolis Bowling Congress and Doyle's lets me come back next week."

Longtime Romo adversary and runner-up to last season's MIB award, Lawrence T. Goodnough, was none too pleased with the distraction on lane 6. "I had a good thing going in the seventh frame when ceiling tile comes raining down in the lane next to me. I was going for my second turkey of the night and Romo does that. I don't want to go as far to say he did it on purpose, but it sure smells fishy to me."

This is not the first time that Romo has been accused of potentially throwing athletic contests. In 2003, Romo allegedly attempted to shave runs in a Marketing vs. Media Relations softball game when the graduate of Bemidji State University appeared to intentionally boot thrown and hit balls at first base. Despite his statements that he didn't care about the game, Romo's actions were spurious to say the least.

Romo's ceiling tile-related meltdown last night comes just a week after another embarrassing moment at Doyle's when the former hockey SID dumped a pitcher full of Grain Belt Premium beer on an unnamed underachieving teammate.

"I was just trying to show him the proper bowling technique that led me to the MIB title when my hand accidentelly hit the pitcher," Romo said after downing an order of Cajun fries. "Sure, he was dragging the team down with his awful bowling, but does anyone honestly think I'd waste good alcohol like that?"

Romo and his cellar-dwelling bowling team, I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter, takes on the Holy Rollers next Wednesday at 8 p.m., at Doyle's

Two Dynamiters to Appear in Siebert Field All-Star Game

A pair of Boom Goes the Dynamite standouts, salary cap hog Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and up-and-comer Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) were named to the Siebert Field All-Star Game to be played at 2 p.m., today. For the first time in their respective careers, the duo will be split up as Kukowski will be play for the Gold Chipmunks, while Kurtt will sport the Maroon Rodent colors.

Controversy has been sparked by the lack of Dynamiters selected to the game, circumstances surrounding the players selected and the perks received for their participation in this yearly contest.

“If you ask me, the whole selection process is a joke,” said wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), whose named was removed from the ballot prior to the season in favor of Leo Lewis in the pitcher’s spot by University of Minnesota athletics adminstration.

Several other Dynamiters did not comment on their All-Star snubs. However, when approached about the selection of All-Star Team, representative Jeff Seifriz said, “That squad is completely overrated. For years, Boom has picked on the bottom-feeders of Minneapolis softball to claim a lot of those victories. Teams such as McWalstein’s No-Talent Ass Clowns, Lucky Strikes and that group of misfits they beat by 30 last year in the playoffs don’t give them a very high RPI. Therefore, how can we compare players from that team against legends like Mike McDonald, Scott Ellison and Kathy Anderson?”

Another controversy surrounding the game was the new fan voting system implemented by Tech Services this year.

“First of all, the server has been down for three days now. so none of our fans could vote,” Boom general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said.

Another mysterious development had superfan-in-training Emily Wickstrom logging on a surprising 1,500 times on May 13 to vote for Kukowski. Along with that development, Kurtt seemed to have received most of his votes from e-mail accounts attributed to Boom Mascot of the Year contenders Cooper and Maggie.

“I knew that this voting was open to citizens from around the world, but when Maggie and Cooper start pushing the voting over the top, we have to pretty much call this process a joke,” former Siebert Field All-Star Shane Sanderseld said.

Commenting about the number of Kukowski’s votes coming from her household Wickstrom said, “That Lewiston basketball team was pretty much comparable to mid-1990s Chicago Bulls, and Tory was the Scottie Pippen of that squad. I was just making sure he got his deserved recognition.”

Another issue of contention, were the perks that were received by Kukowski and Kurtt for making this All-Star team.

“We are already paying this clown $114 million over six years, and I come to find out that Kevin Kurtt gets an All-Star bonus of $3 million on top of that," Keiser said. "I blame these awful contracts on the Geller era. We need to get rid of some of these albatross contracts and soon.”

On another note, Kukowski received six free meals at the Steak Knife for his All-Star appearance, per the wording of his contract set up by former agent Michael H. Lochrem.

The brightest note of the afternoon is with Kurtt and Kukowski playing on opposite teams, one of the players will snap Boom’s 0-75 collective record compiled by its members that have played in this game.

“You think Geller is washed up now. I could have told you that two years ago when I watched his performance in the All-Star game,” former Maroon Rodent All-Star manager J.T. Bruett said.

As a sidenote, Geller was left off the All-Star team after it was determined that Sue LaTrendese would be a better late-game defensive replacement. At the time of this story, Geller had no comment regarding this matter.

Bunt Sign Just an Excuse for Third Base Coach to Touch His Crotch

Members of Boom Goes the Dynamite are starting to think that the bunt sign is just an excuse for their third base coach to play with his crotch. Players say the coach, Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), calls the bunt sign five to six times per at bat, even though CSC league rules don’t allow for bunts.

“He’s got a problem, I think,” first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. “The first game we made four and five outs per game from illegal bunts. We finally caught onto it that he’s just playing with himself.”

Boom players confronted their coach to get him to change the bunt sign to something other than a touch to the crotch but he refused. “If I change it to something else, then it’s going to be really obvious that I can’t keep my hands off myself and I don’t need that embarrassment,” Coughlin admitted. “The only thing I’ll consider doing is making a tap to the crotch the indicator sign and then a full hand down the pants the bunt sign.”

Those That Go Boom - The 2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite Roster

The 2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite roster has been released by team president and general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.). The The companion piece to the Boom Goes the Dynamite team poster (see below) is available by clicking on the above photo. The roster includes all the pertinent information on all of your favorite Boom personalities, including the controversial contract terms.

Corrections to the roster:
Steve Geller's uniform #: 4
Steve Geller's high school: Earl L. Vandermeulen Port Jefferson
Casey Kurtt's uniform #: 10

Boom Announces Landmark Marketing Deal, Releases Team Poster

In a move that will surely shift the culture of slow-pitch softball from that of laid-back, beer-swilling friends out for a good time to that of washed-up athletic communicators and aging softball veterans taking themselves and this coed sport way too seriously, two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite has announced a landmark marketing, promotions and broadcast deal with a variety of major organizations.

A cornerstone of the deal is the release of the 2007 team poster (click photo above for hi-res version) and the announcement of a fan-fueled voting system to choose the Boom Goes the Dynamite marketing slogan. Candidates for the slogan include "Boom-Shacka-Lacka!", "Feel the Boom", "A Culture of Mediocrity", "The Steve Geller Experience" and "Insert Catchy Slogan Here." Fans are encouraged to vote for their favorite slogan (or come up with one of their own) by commenting at the bottom of this release.

"When attendance at Boom games dips to that of the I'm With Stupid era and interest in your team wanes to Minnesota Lynx-levels, you know it's time to take some drastic measures," new Boom Goes the Dynamite director of marketing, promotions, ticket sales and broadcasting Aaron DeBerg of Dubs Marketing announced at a press conference in Fairmont, Minn. "Boom is just not attracting the fans like they did in its hey-day. We need to bring the Laura Kurtts, the Shane Sandersf***s, The Noths, the Lisa Carlsons, the Kodas and the Tory Kukowski's real or imagined girlfriends of the world back to the bleacherless ballfield. We're hopeful this deal will do that."

In addition to the team poster and marketing slogan, Dubs Marketing also announced the following corporate partnerships:
• craigslist - official footwear sponsor of Boom Goes the Dynamite
• University Printing Services - official provider of Bob Swoverland, purveyor of team posters
• Fairview Southdale Hospital - official provider of orthopaedic surgeons (deal negotiated by Shane Sandersf***)
• Meshbencer & Spence - official arbitration attorneys for Lisa Hardy's weekly arguments and Cooper's legal troubles
• RC Cola and Old Milwaukee beer - official beverage provider (deal negotiated by Steve Geller and Kevin Noth)
• Fantasy Tan - official spray-on tan supplier (deal negotiated by Meghan Potter and Alicia Jerome)
• Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference - official sponsor of the Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week and Disappointment of the Year awards

"Adding these corporate partners to the Boom family will allow us to do some monumental things," Boom vice president for corporate communications Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.) said. "We'll be able to get Kukowski, Geller and Lady Kurtt some cleats; we'll be covered when Coughlin inevitably gets hurt again; we'll keep Hardy and Cooper out of jail; and we'll continue to disparage the name of Mike Lochrem. What more can you ask for?"

In conjuction with Boom's corporate sponsors, the franchise announced several promotional events that will surely bring fans back to the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields this summer:
• Aging utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) will be making several public appearances in the next few weeks and months to meet and greet fans, sign autographs and do household chores. Already the featured guest at the May 4 grand opening of the University of Minnesota boat house, Geller will appear at the House of Hanson on May 17, superfan-in-training Emily Wickstrom's 23rd birthday party on May 22, Tory Kukowski and Shane Sandersf***'s going-away parties on June 1 and 15, and the birth of Kevin and Casey Kurtt's first child on Nov. 4.
• Kevin Noth Bobblehead Night, presented by Curtis K. Walker Law Offices
• Cooper Frisbee Show and Law Enforcement Appreciation Night, presented by Wham-O
• Run the Bases with Lisa Hardy Postgame Party, presented by Pam
• Remembering Shane Sandersf***, emceed by Mike Max and presented by Brew's Crew, free neck braces to first 10 fans
• Cooper vs. Koda Dogfight Match, presented by Ron Mexico & Associates (cancelled)
• Bloody Kiddie Pool Night, presented by All-American Recreation, free Kyle Coughlin Celebri-lame-ducks to all fans in attendance
• Arrogant Hockey Player Night, presented by Maynard's Restaurant
• Bob Swoverland Appreciation Night, presented by Bob Swoverland, free team poster to the first fan

"We're going to ignite the excitement of Boom Nation with these promotions," adjunct promotional director Deb Diamond said. "Who wouldn't want a Kevin Noth Bobblehead? Who wouldn't want to run the bases with Lisa Hardy? Who wouldn't want a Shane Sandersf*** Memorial Neck Brace? Well, I wouldn't, but I hear the Kurtt family would and they know good freebies when they see them. If the Kurtts aren't a good barometer of the public's interest in Boom Goes the Dynamite softball, then I shouldn't be in the marketing and promotions business."

The final piece of the major announcement revolved around the addition of several broadcast partners for Boom Goes the Dynamite games and ancillary events. Through negotiations with Dubs Marketing, Victory Sports announced it will televise the 2007 season in its entirety and will dig into its archives to broadcast Classic Boom Contests from previous seasons.

"We'd like to welcome Victory Sports to the Boom family," team president Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "With Dave Lee on play-by-play and Sara Berhow on color, we know we'll be getting top-notch announcing at every game. I, for one, can't wait for the Classic Boom Contests against Yep, Capella and the Humpday Hackers. This is the greatest television deal in the history of the world."

Boom's extended the contract of its long-time radio partner, La Mera Buena 107.5 FM, to last through the 2011 season, not coincidentally the final season of two-time MVP/salary cap killer Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.). In addition to broadcasting all games live, La Mera Buena will produce weekly shows for the Boom Radio Network, including Gabbin' with Geller (Tuesdays at 3 p.m.), The Meghan Potter/Kyle Coughlin Relationship Advice Hour (Wednesdays at 11 a.m.), Keiser Say So (Thursdays at 11 p.m) and the Shane Sandersf*** Dance Party (Fridays, 2 a.m.). The Doritos & Coke Pre- and Post-Game show, hosted by Rita Maloney and Mike Grimm will continue to provide the Boom fan with interviews, postgame reactions, feature stories and made-up stats.

"With La Mera Buena on board, everyone within a three-square-mile radius of the station in St. Bonafacius will be able to hear Boom games in digital radio quality, both in English and Spanish," Keiser said. "Calling the games will be the ubiquitous Tom Witschen with up-and-comer Cameron Noth as analyst. Tony Oliva will continue to call the games in Spanish."

Boom's internet partner, Mr. Heavyfoot, has and will continue to be the ultimate destination for all things related to Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Contract Talks With Geller Break Down

Contract negotiations between two-time defending CSC champion Boom Goes The Dynamite and long-time player Steven Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) have broken down. Geller, in the final year of a four-year, $12.5 million deal, will go to arbitration following the 2007 season after balking at a new three-year, $3 million deal with a team option for a fourth year.

While Geller has posted strong numbers at the plate with a .635 batting average, three home runs and 14 RBI on the season, his fielding prowess has faded and concerns about the condition of his oft-injured throwing shoulder has management concerned about his future. "We obviously want to keep Coolies for the long-term," team general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "He is a charter member of this franchise but it appears as though his career as a player is headed in the designated hitter role and we cannot afford to pay him Kevin Kurtt type of money."

Geller has seen time in a variety of roles during the 2007 season including stints at pitcher, third base, left field and even catcher. Geller has five errors in just 16 chances this season.

"We aren't going to talk until after the season and we intend on going to arbitration," Frankie McSnickers, Geller's long-time agent said. "There is a complete lack of respect for what Steve has given to this organization. He has given his heart, body and soul to Boom. The fact that they made him catch for five innings earlier was an insult to a player of his talent and status in this league."

Keiser has also raised questions regarding Geller's physical commitment and attention to his injuries. He has suffered a variety of ailments, including a torn labrum and a foot injury sustained after stepping on a golf tee but has refused rehabilitation. "We needed to put Steve on the 15-day disabled list and then send him to Albuquerque for rehab but he refused. Then he downs a Coke and a bag of Doritos prior to every game. We have given him protein shakes and sent him to the team nutritionist, but it's just not paying off."

Geller's best season came in 2005 when he went 7-3 on the mound and recorded a .671 batting average.

Boom Craps the Bed in 9-4 Loss to Cleveland Steamers

Locally-renowned sports psychologist Rick Aberman and significantly less-renowned amateur sports therapist Chris Cords have been retained by CSC softball franchise Boom Goes the Dynamite after last night's near-full-team mental, emotional and physical meltdown in a 9-4 loss to the undefeated Cleveland Steamers at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. Boom (3-2) appeared to sleep-walk through the entire seven-inning game, posting only seven hits to suffer its first two-loss season since the 2005 campaign.

"I know I can speak for Dr. Aberman when I say I'm scared s**t-less about what we're about to embark on with this team of mental midgets," Cords said from the Mac. "After one viewing of the game film, it looks like we've got some pretty big head-cases to deal with. I could spend my whole career on the enigma that is Kyle Coughlin and still never crack that nut. To work out the kinks on a team full of lunatics will not be easy."

Aberman, and to a much lesser extent, Cords, will attempt to solve the riddle behind the godawful performances throughout the Boom roster. Questions abound as to why Boom players can crap the bed a week after a 22-12 rout over previously undefeated ERAC in Fog Bowl II. Questions such as:

• How does aging utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) continue to amaze onlookers with his contradicting mix of a good glove/powerful bat with a horrible arm?
• Why, after hitting two cans-o'-corn to a girl in right field that catches like she's carrying a bucket filled with water, does wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) continue trying to hit to the opposite field?
• How is it possible that first baseman Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) can get into an argument with CSC personnel every single week?
• Why was third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) late?
• Why can't outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) hit the ball anymore?
• Where was early-season superfan favorite Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.)?
• Why does Boom's shortest male player, outfielder Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), think he's a power-hitter?
• Why did the underachieving Coughlin feel the need rattle the psyche of female player of the week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) with a low-blow comment about Jerome's lily-white skin?
• Why is Megan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) so damn tan this early in the season?

"I don't claim to know much about psychology, but most of my teammates looked like they were sucking on purpose," shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), a beacon of light on an otherwise dreary evening, said. "I can't wait to see Aberman and Cords work their magic with some of the basket cases on this team. I wonder if they can do anything for my psycho, law-breaking dog."

Aside from the acquisition of Aberman and Cords, Team President/General Manager/Chief Scout/Director of Player Personnel/Social Coordinator Jeff Keiser said that he'll be making some drastic midseason changes to the Boom roster. "We're bringing in some new blood. Whether it's Tyler Thomson, Matt Schroeder, that girl with Gopher assistant baseball coach Rob Fornasiere as her dad, Shane Sandersf*** or Dubs, we're going to get some players in here that won't 'mail it in' like Potter and Hardy. Who ever doesn't get cut is hitting the cages."

"I can't speak for the rest of my teammates, but I missed Noth," part-time catcher, full-time baby factory Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) said about outfielder Kevin Noth (Minneapolis, Minn.) - absent due to an illness in his burgeoning family. "As hard as it is for me to say this, I think he's the glue that keeps this team together. I know, I know, he's struck out more times than the rest of the team put together, but there's something about that guy that defines Boom Goes the Dynamite. Is it his cleats? Is it the shine of his bald head? Is it the way he falls on his ass while catching pop-flies or the way he falls on his face while running to first? I don't know, but he was missed."

In other news, team attorney Andrea Smith announced that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team will fight the citation lobbed upon Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year front-runner Cooper (Zimmerman, Minn.). The hyperactive dog owned by Kevin and knocked-up Casey Kurtt was handed an off-leash violation by a pair of over-zealous Minneapolis Park Patrol officers who spotted Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan favorite Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) playing Frisbee adjacent to Diamond #4 at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields.

"We're going to fight this $23 ticket to the highest levels," Smith said. "Cooper is innocent and those trainee cops are weenies. That's our defense. Let me also add that the Boom Goes the Dynamite Legal Team does not endorse Kevin Noth's lawsuit of craigslist. He's fighting that one without my services."

Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite wraps up the regular season next week with a contest against the Outlawz (1-4), a team comprised of unemployed stuntmen, homosexual shoe salesmen, soccer moms and one black man. With a win, Boom will lock up a berth in the CSC Playoffs. First pitch is at 7:10 p.m., on Monday, May 21, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #2.

Notes
• Despite the protestations of hot-head Lisa Hardy, this release was written even in the wake of last night's loss. There is also a release available on Mr. Heavyfoot for Boom's 13-5 loss to Yellow Snow on April 23. So there. Pfffft.
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 67-42 through five games this season.
• In addition to widespread mental and emotional breakdowns, last night's piss-poor performance looked to be a factor of complacency on the part of the Boom Goes the Dynamite franchise. After the April 23 loss to Yellow Snow, Boom rebounded in a big was last week with a 22-12 win over ERAC, only to see complacency set in against an over-rated Steamers team.
• Debate continues as to what a Cleveland Steamer is exactly. Mr. Heavyfoot will not take part in such a debate.
• Outfielder Meghan Potter did not appreciate being called "Pottsie" by Kevin Kurtt.
• Earning 5•8 Club Co-Players of the Week were Kevin Kurtt (3-for-4, 2 RBI) and Alicia Jerome (only female player to show up, figuratively that is).
• Picking up this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award was Meghan Potter (too tan, failed to run out a slow grounder at a crucial moment of the game).
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller's shoulder must be ailing. How else can one describe his throws from third base and right center?
- Kevin Kurtt has a boo-boo on his right hip from sliding to make a play at shortstop.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend failed to make an appearance at the fifth consecutive Boom game, leading many to question her actual existence.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Pam Hardy
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (4 appearances), Laura Kurtt (3 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (3 apps.), Pam Hardy (2 apps.), Beth Kurtt (2 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Cooper (5 appearances), Maggie (2 apps.), Koda (1 app.)
• Stay tuned to Mr. Heavyfoot for a major Boom Goes the Dynamite marketing announcement.

Geller Sets CSC Nickname Mark

Boom Goes the Dynamite veteran Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) recently set a new CSC all-sports record for nicknames when teammate Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) called the aging utility player “Gelly Donut” in the fourth inning of Boom's 9-4 loss to the Cleveland Steamers last night. Geller now has 22 nicknames: Easy Stroke, Small Medium & Gell-Large, Old Geller, Gelly Donut, Gell-Gell Cool J, Stroke, Gell, Penn & Geller, Gellajandro, Uri Geller, Peanut Butter & Gelly, Cool J, Coolies, Gelly Bean, Gelly Belly, Messy Steve, Steve-O, Gell-Gell, Big Steve, Stefan Gellar, Gelly Ache and Gell-arr.

Kukowski ranks a distant second on the team with seven monikers: Kuko, Kooks, Tory-Tory-Tory, Teeks, TK, Snacks and Intern Boy.

At the time of his broken-neck-fueled retirement, Shane Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa) - a former outfielder/slugger for Boom predecessors Gas on the Fire and I'm With Stupid - owned 14 nicknames: Sugar, Sug, Sanderschimp, Sandersbitch, Sandersfield, Shawn, Shan, Big Goofy, Quiet Storm, Sug-Diddy, Shan, Dance Monkey, thecooldiesel and Big Daddy Cool Diesel.

From the "Whoever Did This Has Way Too Much Time on His Hands" Department

We were never very good at RBI Baseball on the old-school Nintendo, so this video really boggles our mind. How did this guy re-enact, pitch-for-pitch, the last inning of Game Six of the 1986 World Series with such amazing attention to detail? How long did it take him to sync the video game with the Vin Scully call of the game? Finally, how did he keep his mom from disturbing him while he did this in his parents' basement?

The Doggie Bag - Boom Goes Social Indoors

• From Boom Goes the Dynamite Team President/General Manager/Director of Player Personnel/Social Coordinator: "Since the weather is very up in the air for tonight, I suggest we just go somewhere indoors after our 6 pm game if we play, plus this helps accommodate Kyle having to take the Big Ten Network people out after picking them up at the airport. I just don't want you all to spend money on food we won't be able to eat. We can do the cookout next week I hope."
• From the "I can't believe she's kept him around this long" department, the First Couple of Bierman, Kevin and Knocked-Up Casey Kurtt, celebrate their second wedding anniversary today. How will the Kurtts celebrate their big day? By playing softball. How romantical.
• This may be Kyle Coughlin's favorite Family Guy clip of all time.
• This may be Kyle Coughlin's second favorite Family Guy clip of all time.
• Shane Sandersf***, circa 2000. Ahh, the good ol' days when mullets were cool.

Father Distraught to Learn His Daughter is Playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite

John Potter of Hibbing, Minn., was extremely distraught to learn yesterday that his 26-year-old daughter, Meghan, has been playing on the low-level slow-pitch softball team Boom Goes the Dynamite. John Potter learned the disappointing news when he called his daughter's house yesterday evening.

“Meghan was all excited, saying, ‘Dad, guess what. I’m playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. I’m a starter, Dad!’” remembered the elder Potter. “But I couldn’t even respect her after she told me that. She’s such a disappointment. I can’t believe my girl, my favorite daughter, is a member of Boom Goes the Dynamite. It's such a step down in my baby girl's softball career, yet somehow she’s so clueless she doesn’t even realize that. Not only is she delusional, it appears she’s a moron, as well.”

“I could tell dad was really proud of me when I told him,” Meghan said. “He wouldn’t even respond anymore. I think he was choked up and didn’t want me to hear him cry. I really made him proud.”

John called his daughter's team president, Jeff Keiser, to confirm the news. “Jeff is a good guy and tried to sugarcoat it, saying Meghan tries hard and is improving,” John said, “but I know better. My girl is a failure.”

“I tried to be as honest as possible with Mr. Potter,” Keiser said. “But I know it’s never easy to hear that your child has been playing for Boom Goes the Dynamite. It’s every parent’s nightmare.”

Mr. Potter said it will take him some time to get over the disappointment of his daughter's athletic failings, especially after a mediocre softball career at North Dakota State during which she earned honorable mention on the 2003 Academic All-North Central Conference Team.

“You do your best, you know?” he said. “I’ve tried to play catch with her since she was old enough to hold a ball, but she never really seemed to put it all together. I just pray she doesn’t embarrass me too much out there. That is if I can even make myself go to the games.”

Yo, Mammy!

Although somewhat belatedley, members of Boom Goes the Dynamite and friends of the members of Boom Goes the Dynamite wanted to send out special messages to their moms on Mother's Day.

Kyle Casey: Thank you for passing down the hair gene...or lack thereof.
Molly Casey: Thanks for your caramel rolls.
Kyle Coughlin: Thank you for not naming me Kevin.
Steve Geller: Thanks for proving to me that not every person from the East Coast has to be such a jerk.
Lisa Hardy: Thanks for teaching me that running fast should always (ALWAYS!) be optional.
Alicia Jerome: It was you that showed me that arriving even a minute before game time is a waste of time. Thanks for that.
Jeff Keiser: Thanks for teaching me that everything in life is either "the best/funniest/warmest/coldest/hardest/etc. thing ever" or "the worst/un-funniest/coldest/warmest/easiest/etc. thing ever."
Tory Kukowski: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for never calling me Teeks.
Casey Kurtt: Thank you for my, ahem, assets.
Kevin Kurtt: Thanks for teaching me that when I do something well it was you who taught me that, but when I do something poorly, it's dad's fault.
Laura Kurtt: Thanks for showing me how to dance.
Jesse Miller: Thank you for not giving up hope on getting a son.
Maggie Miller: Thanks for welcoming Quimby into the family. He's soooo much better than Cooper.
Kevin Noth: It was you that showed how to save money on shoes. For that, I am forever grateful.
Meghan Potter: Thanks for teaching me that there ain't no better man than an arrogant, hockey-playing man.
Shane Sandersf***: Thanks for teaching me the joys of Pinky Man.
Andrea Smith: Thanks for passing down the short genes to me.
Michelle Train: Thank you for not naming me Elaine.
Emily Wickstrom: Thanks for showing me how to be a top-notch drama queen.
Koda: Thanks for putting these really easy-to-chew-through leashes on me.
Cooper: Thanks for making dad get off his lazy ass to play Frisbee with me.
Maggie (the dog): Thanks for putting up with my constantly-shedding fur for all these years.

The Doggie Bag - Demonic Squirrels

• Actual entries in the police report from the Star Tribune West:
- Carver County, April 27 - A caller on Mockingbird Lane in Waconia said a 29-year-old man was screaming gibberish. The caller believed the man was speaking Latin and that he was possessed by demons. Police were unable to find the man.
- Chanhassen, May 3 - A caller in the 3800 block of Leslee Curve said two squirrels were blocking the door to a residence.
• Knocked-up wife Casey Kurtt attempted to knock out her husband Kevin on Wednesday, firing a softball to the expectant father's cheek bone/jaw. Casey claimed she saw Kevin look up at her before throwing, while Kevin asserts he never once made eye contact with his sweetums. Kevin is now sporting a small bruised bump on the right side of his exceedingly attractive face. "Softballs are anything but," Kevin said.
• Pearl the Landlord says, I want my money!!!
• Jamie Kennedy has a small bathroom break he has to do.
• If you haven't seen Pizzagate at Fenway Park from earlier this season, you haven't lived. Kudos go to the NESN announcers who really rose to the occasion. Stay classy, Boston.
- Part One
- Part Two
• Finally, that guy needs a hug.

Today's Musical Guest: Ronald Jenkees

From time to time, Mr. Heavyfoot will introduce you to a musical act we find entertaining, unique or just plain good. Today, we give you Ronald Jenkees:

While I’ll be the first one to tell you I’m different, there’s nothing wrong with me or the way I am! I understand some people just need to speculate things (that’s normal) but there’s nothing wrong with my brain (LOL) and I’m definitely not a savant (go check out some Beethoven for that, folks). I realize that some will think I’m fake, some will think I’m too weird, and maybe a few folks will actually digg my jams.

We, for one, digg his jams.

Ronald Jenkees at YouTube
Ronald Jenkees Official Site

Introducing Mr. Heavyfoot

Mr. Heavyfoot launched on May 9, 2007, eliciting the obvious question of "Why Mr. Heavyfoot?" Aside from our well-documented proclivity for speeding, Mr. Heavyfoot actually refers to an obscure character from the Canadian sketch comedy show Kids in the Hall.

The blog Mr. Heavyfoot promises you, the Interweb surfer, a collection of fake news releases that may or may not mean a darn thing to you, various and sundry videos that we find amusing and other stuff to ensure that work productivity stays low.

Mr. Heavyfoot is and will continue to be the ultimate destination for all things related to Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball. What's Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball? Oh, it's just a two-time defending CSC Champion, a winning franchise in 25 of its last 26 games, a team comprised of lame duck athletic communicators, washed-up athletic communicators, an over-dramatic athletic creative director, underpaid and underappreciated athletic secretaries, a mediocre athletic photographer, a short lawyer-to-be, a soon-to-be unemployed athletic communication intern, a teacher with an expanding belly and a new dad with $5 cleats.

Comments, visitor submissions, monetary donations and baseless death threats are wholeheartedly welcome.

Athletic Communications All-Time Worst Sporting Moments

1. Dave Reidinger (aka Cheese) striking out twice (four straight whiffs) in an I'm With Stupid softball game.
2. Steve Geller rolling a 68 in bowling in the first annual SID Olympics.
3. Shane Sandersfeld fouling out twice in a softball game.
4. Kevin Kurtt bailing on the Race of the Decade with a hamstring injury.
5. John Romo's shoddy performance in a Media Relations vs. Marketing softball game.
6. Alicia Jerome, a former NCAA Division I softball player, striking out twice in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.
7. Kyle Coughlin soaking his bloody leg in a kiddie pool after sliding into a wooden home plate.
8. Steve Geller stepping on a golf tee in his kitchen.
9. Iggy the parakeet attack following an I'm With Stupid softball game.
10. Kevin Noth getting heckled by passers-by after over-running third base in a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game.

Honorable Mention (Boom Goes the Dynamite edition)
Alicia Jerome taking a ball in the face at third base vs. Capella.
Kyle Coughlin sending Casey Kurtt home while the ball was in the infield vs. Capella.
Humpday Hacker right fielder arguing with Kyle/blowing the game by wiping out in the outfield.
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep.
Lisa Hardy getting called a “bitch” after game against Capella followed by Kyle Coughlin holding her back.
Humpday Hackers complaining about Steve Geller’s chicken scratches in the scorebook.

Fog Bowl II: Boom Goes the Dynamite Attacks ERAC

A dream match-up between a pair of defending CSC League Champions turned into a spectator's nightmare last night as Lake Nokomis and Mother Nature unleashed a fury of fog to cloud what was a dominating 22-12 rout for Boom Goes the Dynamite over previously undefeated ERAC, a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers.

In fog-related news, a report of an abduction of right fielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) during the period of heavy fog proved to be unfounded.

"I turned around and Meghan was gone," second baseman and 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) said. "I saw nothing but fog. I thought for sure somebody grabbed her and ran. Frankly, I would have been glad if they had because she was playing like it was her junior season at North Dakota State when she batted .182."

Boom adjunct meteorologist Lori Noth of KARE-TV, wife of outfielder/catcher/craigslist victim/lawsuit plaintiff Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.), explained the reasons behind the formation of fog on the softball diamond. "It's about relative humidity and condensation nuclei, but really the fog last night was about covering up my husband's putrid play of late. I don't want my son to see those cheap-ass cleats, that girlie arm or those multiple strikeouts. Thank you fog."

When informed of her husband's 4-for-4, error-free 5•8 Club Co-Player of the Week performance, Lori Noth refused to revise her earlier statement, saying only that "it must have been a fluke."

Boom Goes the Dynamite improved to 3-1 on the season in comeback fashion, helped largely by gargantuan home runs in the fourth inning by Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.), Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.). Following the game, ERAC refused to believe those round-trippers were the result of natural and legal causes.

"There's no way a short guy, a scrawny shortstop and a guy that swings at pitches over his head should be able to hit softballs that far," ERAC infielder Hector Escondido said. "Whether it's HGH, EPO or some bovine steroid, those guys are on the juice. Let's just say I have a call in to former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell."

"I can't speak for Kevin or Steve, but what you see here is 100 percent all-natural Keiser," the diminutive left fielder/catcher/husband of a wife that could kick his ass said. "Do you honestly think I'd be eating all those crappy salads and avoiding sugar like the plague if I was on steroids? Puh-leeze."

"My home run was about pure rage," Kurtt said. "Cooper wouldn't shut up. My mom kept telling me how bad I was playing. My dad was calling me Chuck Knoblauch. And Keiser said my bat was dead. Well, look at me now. Look at me now, bitches."

"I'm not here to talk about the past," Geller added.

In other controversial news, first baseman and resident hothead Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) successfully got in an argument with a CSC umpire for the third consecutive season when a limp-wristed throw by pitcher/journeyman/injury-prone/wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) to Hardy was broken up by the running of ERAC's second baseman.

"Honestly, is anyone surprised anymore when Lisa gets in an argument?" third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) said. "If Jesus Christ were a CSC umpire, Hardy would argue balls and strikes."

In other news, outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) earned this week's Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award, reverting to his inning-ending, pop-up hitting self, further disappointing his real or imagined girlfriend in the process.

The rout of ERAC sets up another key mid-season match-up with league leader Cleveland Steamers (3-0), a team comprised of sexual deviants and refrigerator deliverymen. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces the Cleveland Steamers at 6 p.m., on Monday, May 14, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.

Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 63-33 through four games this season.
• Three players - Steve Geller, Jeff Keiser and Kevin Noth - made their first appearance of the season at catcher.
• Injury report:
- Steve Geller removed himself from the outfield with a sore elbow after doing his best impression of an inaccurate Jeff Keiser throw from the outfield.
- Andrea Smith suffered a mild concussion after misplaying a grounder at third base, allowing the ball to fly above her and land squarely on her head.
• Cooper had to take a hell of a bath after the game.
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom, , Beth Kurtt, Jim Kurtt - The Kurtts are now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Noticeably absent in the stands was early Superfan leader Laura Kurtt. Her mother was unabashedly disappointed in her only daughter.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (3 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (2 apps.) Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Beth Kurtt (1 app.), Jim Kurtt (1 app.).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie - Maggie now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award
• Mascot standings: Cooper (4 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (1 app.)

Noth Announces Lawsuit of craigslist Following Boom's 17-2 Shellacking of Lucky Strikes

Boom Goes the Dynamite picked up its second win of the season with a 17-2 spanking of Lucky Strikes last night, but the celebration was short-lived for right fielder Kevin Noth (Madison, Wis.) as the hair-challenged team strikeout leader announced his intention to file a lawsuit of craigslist after an incident involving his $5 cleats (photo below) bought on the online community. Noth, 0-for-3 on the night, tripped and fell while running to first base in the second inning, but reached base on a throwing error by the Lucky Strikes shortstop.

"Let's face it. I got ripped off," Noth said from a press conference at Fat Lorenzo's Pizza. "I spent good money on cleats that I expected to take me to the next level in my softball career. That craigslist guy promised me big things that did not include me sprawled out face-first on the first-base line. The law offices of Curtis K. Walker have been contacted. Craiglist, consider yourself sued."

The spring season has not been kind to Wisconsin native and Big Ten Fantasy Football League runner-up Noth. In last week's 13-5 loss to longtime rival Yellow Snow, Noth struck out and went 1-for-4 in front of wife Lori and infant son Cameron. Against Lucky Strikes, Noth whiffed again and failed to get the ball out of the infield for the second consecutive week. For his "efforts," Noth was named the Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week.

"It's flat-out embarrassing," slugger and outfield bully Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said. "I thought after his game-winning walkoff hit in last year's championship game we'd see a whole new Kevin Noth. Boy, was I wrong. All I see is a guy in $5 cleats lying in the dirt. That's just not Boom Goes the Dynamite softball."

Noth's hijinks notwithstanding, Boom broke out of its slump with the entire lineup (sans Noth) showing the offensive prowess that paced the franchise to a league-record 23-game win streak from August 2005 to April 2007. Kukowski went 4-for-4 with a home run, Week 1 Goat Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) finally got his bat going with a round-tripper and four hits, third baseman Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) made her debut with a strong all-around showing and wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.) continued being great with his first injury-free three-week span since the seventh grade.

Keiser, acting team president and general manager, made several moves in the batting order and the defensive lineup to provide a much-needed spark to the club. Keiser moved his previously weak bat lower in the lineup and promoted the surprisingly well-hitting and popup-free Kukowski to the No. 3 spot. The move worked as both outfielders led the team in slugging percentage and runs scored.

Two-time Boom Player of the Week Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) continued her torrid start to the season, reminding some of her six home run, 34 RBI sophomore season at North Dakota State. In addition, second baseman Katie Fornasiere (Maple Grove, Minn.), daughter of Golden Gopher assistant baseball coach, gave Boom some speed on the basepaths that was absent in recent weeks with the attitude of Lisa "I run when I want to run" Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.).

In injury news, pitcher Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) suffered a mild separated shoulder on a baserunning blunder in the third inning. He is listed as day-to-day. Crissy Potter (Hibbing Minn.), last week's second baseman, missed last night's game with a concussion and general body pain after shortstop Kevin Kurtt's body-check at second base in the game vs. Yellow Snow.

The rout of Lucky Strikes sets up a key early-season match-up with league leader ERAC (3-0), a team comprised of steel workers, longshoremen, Venezuelan infielders and single mothers. Two-time defending CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite faces ERAC at 8:20 p.m., on Monday, May 7, at Lake Nokomis Diamond #4.

Notes:
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 41-21 through three games this season.
• Kyle Coughlin made his first career appearance at first base.
• CSC continued its utter disregard for unsafe playing conditions as play was never suspended despite the prevalence of lightning in the area.
• Katie Fornasiere reportedly made it home in time to watch Heroes.
• Casey Kurtt's belly continued to expand, apparently providing the catcher with additional power.
• Tory Kukowski's girlfriend failed to make an appearance at the third consecutive Boom game, leading some to question her actual existence.
• Jeff Keiser displayed exceptional intestinal fortitude, playing just hours after a rigorous physical therapy session to heal a real or imagined lower leg injury.
• Fans in attendance: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (1 app.) - Wickstrom now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award.
• Fan standings: Laura Kurtt (3 appearances), Michelle Train (2 apps.), Shane Sandersfeld (2 apps.), Lori Noth (1 app.), Cameron Noth (1 app.), Lisa Carlson (1 app.), Pam Hardy (1 app.), Emily Wickstrom (1 app.), Jim and Beth Kurtt (0 combined appearances).
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper (3 appearances)
• Mascot standings: Cooper (3 appearances), Koda (1 app.), Maggie (0 app.)

Boom Pisses Down Leg, Snaps Win Streak with Loss to Yellow Snow

The streak is over. Boom Goes the Dynamite's 23-game all-sports CSC record winning streak came to an end last night as longtime rival Yellow Snow rolled to a 13-5 win at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Fields in Minneapolis. In front of a season-high seven fans, Boom was flat-out awful in all areas of the game.

"We sucked," Team President/General Manager/Chief Scout/Social Coordinator/Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "It was a complete circus."

The loss was Boom's first since the 2005 season.

"I am never - NEVER - taking my son to a Boom Goes the Dynamite softball game again," Mother of the Year candidate Lori Noth said after the game. "It started with my Kevie's putrid performance. But he didn't get his cleats from craigslist in time. He'll be a different player with those cleats. Mark my words.

"Aside from my honey-poo, Boom reminded me of the KARE-TV coed softball team. Tory Kukowski swung the bat like (Eric) Perkins; Lisa Hardy ran like (Diana) Pierce; and Jeff Keiser fielded like (Boyd) Huppert. That might not mean much to you, but the KARE team gets throttled year-in and year-out by the Cyndy Brucato-led KSTP squad. It's embarrassing and Boom Goes the Dynamite should hang their heads in shame. C'mon, Cameron. We're out of this bitch."

Streak Hits 23 as Boom Opens the Season with 19-6 Rout of Big Swingin

Using a near-flawless pitching performance from wily veteran Kyle Coughlin (Eden Prairie, Minn.), Boom Goes the Dynamite opened the 2007 season with a 19-6 rout of Big Swingin last night at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field in Minneapolis. In front of three fans, Boom showed little signs of rust as the two-time defending CSC Champions pushed their franchise record winning streak to 23 games.

Healthy for the first time since the fall of 2003, Coughlin pitched two no-hit innings to start the game and was solid throughout from the mound, walking only one and scattering six hits. In addition to his hurling performance, the journeyman slugger went 4-for-4 at the plate with a home run in the fourth inning to put the game on ice.

"I was great," Coughlin said.

Making her debut with Boom Goes the Dynamite was rookie outfielder Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.), formerly of North Dakota State and Hibbing High School. Ranking 11th on the NDSU career home run list with nine round-trippers, Potter displayed her power in the third inning with a blast to left center to give Boom a 13-3 lead.

"I give all the credit for my performance to Tom Wistrcill," Potter said at the post-game press conference at the 5-8 Club. "He gave me the best pep talk of my illustrious career during lunch today at the Library. He probably couldn't run from home to first base without sustaining multiple injuries, but he knows his stuff. Basically, he just told me that I need to be a superstar...that I'm anything but mediocre. I'm choking up just thinking about his words."

Despite the strong performances throughout the lineup, the game was marred by several bouts of little to no effort from a handful of Boom players. While Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) showed outstanding hustle and grit, taking two foul balls off her ever-expanding belly and running out every play, infielders Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) and Alicia Jerome (Seattle, Wash.) once again showed signs of selective hustle.

Jerome failed to run out a shallow fly ball in the fifth inning, but it was Hardy who was the most visible culprit of non-effort. A documented hothead with a history of dust-ups with opponents, teammates and umpires, Hardy nearly cost Coughlin of his home run in the fourth inning. With the oft-injured Coughlin putting months of chiropractic work on the line as he sped around the bases, Hardy refused to do more than a trot on the basepaths.

"I run when I want to run," Hardy said, evoking memories of former Minnesota Viking Randy Moss.

Boom Goes the Dynamite (1-0) continues its defense of the CSC Championship next Monday at the Lake Nokomis Athletic Field.

Notes:
• Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) was perhaps the rustiest of the Boom players as the left fielder had two errors in the field and went 0-for-3 from the plate. With his putrid performance, Keiser earns the first Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Goat of the Week Award.
• Steve Geller (St. Louis Park, Minn.) was a close runner-up to Keiser in the Goat voting, failing to reach base and making an error at third base. Geller also made two outs in the fifth inning.
• Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), a two-time Boom MVP, was borderline flawless in the field with 13 assists from his shortstop position. The expectant father showed little rust at the plate, going 3-for-4 and needing just a home run for the cycle.
• Kevin Noth (Maidson, Wis.) did not receive his $5 cleats from craigslist in time for the game, providing high comedy during baserunning.
• Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) got off to the fastest start of his Boom career despite still employing his long, looping swing. Usually good for two or three easy pop-ups in season openers, Kukowski went 3-for-4 with a fielder's choice.
• Alicia Jerome nearly started a fight in the fifth inning as she shoved Big Swingin's first baseman as she rounded the base.
• Fans in attendance: Laura Kurtt, Shane Sandersfeld, Michelle Train - all now eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Koda - both now eligible for the Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year Award.