Wondergirl Carly vs. Cody Paul

It's been a while since we've posted pretty much anything, so today we bring you video of child prodigies on the gridiron - Wondergirl Carly and Cody Paul. The Carly videos are from 1991 when she was the only girl in the 9-year-old's flag football league (and the No. 1 draft pick), while the Cody Paul video is from this year. Sadly, Carly didn't really go on to become a star in the sports world (damn you, puberty), and Cody will probably get caught up in a web of sports agents, overbearing parents, unscrupulous coaches and perhaps Guitar Hero III.

Would the real Hockeytown USA please stand up?

This article appears in the Dec. 13 edition of Let's Play Hockey.

In the Oct. 18 issue of Let’s Play Hockey, I brought you a not-quite-comprehensive list of what it means to be a hockey fan in Minnesota. Atop that list was the following item: “You might be a hockey fan in Minnesota if…you get ticked off when you hear Detroit call itself ‘Hockeytown USA.’”

Well, scratch that one off the list and move over Detroit. There’s a new Hockeytown USA in, well, town.

In last week’s edition of Sports Illustrated, Michael Farber dethroned the Motor City and handed over the mythical title to St. Paul. Detroit lost its designation as Hockeytown USA largely due to lackluster attendance at Red Wings games and waning interest in the sport of hockey in Michigan’s largest city.

St. Paul, Farber wrote, is hockey’s epicenter in the U.S. mainly because of the NHL’s Minnesota Wild, a franchise that has gone out of its way to be respectful of the game, its fans and the countless hockey players in the state.

Farber’s conclusion has certainly been greeted with pride here in the Twin Cities as it seems the nation now has been told what we have known all along: the game of hockey holds a special place in the hearts of countless Minnesotans – something you just don’t see in other areas of the country.

What Farber fails to recognize, however, is the inadequacy of naming just one Minnesota city as Hockeytown USA. Although it’s truly just a marketing slogan the Wild cooked up in their nod to grassroots hockey in Minnesota, “The State of Hockey” really does capture what the sport means to this state. Congratulations to St. Paul for its new moniker, but Hockeytown USA doesn’t just reside in Minnesota’s capital and second-largest city.

Here in Minnesota (not just in St. Paul), hockey is strongly woven into our fabric of life. Learning to skate, shoot and stickhandle is a rite of passage for countless Minnesota kids every winter in cities and towns across the state.

As SI’s lead NHL writer, Farber surely based much of his article on what he has witnessed and experienced at the Xcel Energy Center during Wild games. Obviously, without the Wild, St. Paul wouldn’t have received a sniff of gaining Hockeytown USA status.

The fact remains, however, that hockey in this state doesn’t begin or end with the Minnesota Wild. If the Wild were to pack their bags tomorrow, the game would thrive as it has since hockey’s origins in this country in the late 19th century.

Hockey in Minnesota is about trudging through the snow to reach the warming house at the local park. It’s about skipping school or work to go to or watch the state high school tournament. It’s about clearing your schedule on Friday and Saturday nights in the winter to watch the Gophers. It’s about hockey moms (and dads). It’s about rivalries. It’s about Mites, Squirts, PeeWees, Bantams and a nation-leading population of girls’ hockey players.

But let’s give credit to St. Paul where it’s due. Our capital city hosts the hockey equivalent to the Indiana state basketball and Texas state football tournaments. No one can argue that the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament at the Xcel Energy Center is the best prep hockey event in the nation, and perhaps the world.

In that same vein, St. Paul is home to several of the state’s perennial and historical high school hockey powers. From St. Paul Johnson’s four titles, to Hill-Murray’s 10 top three finishes, to Cretin-Derham Hall’s recent state championship, St. Paul is no slouch in the prep hockey ranks.

St. Paul is also home to possibly the most successful college hockey tournament in the country – the WCHA Final Five. The WCHA postseason tournament will make its eighth straight appearance at the X next March and regularly draws nearly 90,000 fans during the three-day event.

Obviously, St. Paul wouldn’t be the city we know today without the Wild and the X. Kudos certainly go to the entire Wild organization for the model franchise the have built while always staying referential to the state’s hockey culture.

All that being said, St. Paul just happens to be the largest of Minnesota’s many Hockeytowns. From tiny Taconite (pop. 315) to mighty Minneapolis (387,970) and every city, suburb, burg, hamlet municipality and whistle stop in between, we are a state of Hockeytowns.

There’s Eveleth – home of the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame. The small Iron Range town (pop. 3631) certainly has a right to call itself a Hockeytown as both John Mayasich and John Mariucci called Eveleth home before going on to become synonymous with hockey in the state of Minnesota and beyond.

An historical powerhouse in high school boys hockey, the Eveleth Bears have made 13 appearances in the state high school tournament, winning five titles.

Finally and perhaps most notably, Eveleth is home to the world’s second-largest hockey stick. What more evidence is needed that Eveleth is a Hockeytown?

But what about Bloomington? The former home of the North Stars and the Met Center, the fourth-largest city in the state can claim Hockeytown status due largely to its 23 state tournament appearances between high schools Jefferson and Kennedy.

Minneapolis’ largest suburb is also home to the Bloomington Ice Garden, a training home of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Several NHLers also call Bloomington home, including Mike Crowley, Ben Clymer, Mark Parrish, Erik Johnson, Tom Gilbert, Dan Trebil and Peter Mueller.

That’s impressive, but what about the hockey tradition in Roseau? A town of only 2,879, the home of the Rams has produced a staggering number of elite hockey players. From two U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame players (Aaron & Neal Broten) to seven Olympians to nine players with NHL experience to 17 current pro, junior or college players, Roseau is a virtual breeding ground for hockey talent.

It comes as no suprise that the Rams own a record 31 state tournament appearances, seven state titles and 51 state tournament wins.

If a powerhouse in hockey is what we’re after, then how about Edina? The adopted home of legendary coach Willard Ikola (he’s an Eveleth native), the Edina high school tradition is as strong as nearly any other. As a city, Edina has made 29 appearances in the state tournament, winning nine championships.

The home of the Hornets also boasts one of the largest youth hockey associations in the state (and maybe the country). Not only are the numbers strong, but Edina’s youth teams are forces to be reckoned with as evidenced by the 13 teams currently sitting in the top 10 in this week’s Let’s Play Hockey rankings.

By now, the residents of the original Hockeytown USA are fuming. Just four miles from the Canadian border, Warroad was Hockeytown USA 50 years before the Detroit Red Wings marketing gurus absconded with the name.

A town of just 1,739, Warroad has sent over 50 native sons to Divison I hockey programs since 1947 and is home to Olympians Gordon “Ginny” Christian, Billy Christian, Roger Christian, Dan McKinnon, Henry Boucha and Dave Christian.

Five Warroad natives – Henry Boucha, Billy Christian, Dave Christian, Roger Christian and Cal Marvin – are members of the U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame.

In addition, the Warroad Warrior boys’ hockey team has captured four state championships and has made 18 combined appearances in the state tournament.
Clearly, the Warrior hockey tradition gives Warroad a claim to its long-held Hockeytown USA title.

Hockey tradition is alive and well in countless other communities throughout the State of Hockey.

There’s Baudette, home of former Gopher and current Phoenix Coyotes defenseman Keith Ballard and nearby Lake of the Woods – host of a pair of high school hockey games next Feb. 9, on Baudette Bay as part of the Second Annual Hockey Day Minnesota.

Don’t forget Duluth, home of several high school hockey powerhouses, including three-time champion Duluth East and current boys’ No. 1 Duluth Marshall. The seaport also boasts a rich college hockey tradition with the Minnesota Duluth Bulldogs and its most famous alum, future Hockey Hall of Famer Brett Hull.

Serving as the the southern portion of the state’s top hockey town, Rochester has, between four of its high schools, made 23 appearances at the state tournament, led by John Marshall’s six appearances and its shocking 1977 state championship.

Minneapolis can throw its name into the hat if only because it’s the home of the headquarters of Let’s Play Hockey. Seriously though, Minnesota’s largest city boasts a wealth of hockey amidst its nearly 400,000 residents. From the University of Minnesota men’s and women’s Golden Gophers to the U.S. Pond Hockey Championships on Lake Nokomis to the numerous outdoor rinks at parks throughout the city, Minneapolis is as much a hockey town as any.

Beyond Duluth and Eveleth, the Iron Range owns a plethora of hockey towns, including Don Lucia and Bill Baker’s Grand Rapids, the Michelettis’ Hibbing and Matt Niskanen, John Harrington and the Hanson Brothers’ (Jeff and Steve Carlson) Virginia.

Northern Minnesota boasts even more hockey towns with International Falls (seven state titles), Moorhead (eight top three finishes) and Cloquet (home of NHLers Jamie Langenbrunner, Derek Plante and Corey Millen).

On the road back to the Twin Cities, you may drive past St. Cloud, home of the Huskies and the National Hockey Center.

Back in the metro area, hockey hotbeds abound with Roseville and South St. Paul’s rich boys and girls hockey history, White Bear Lake’s pedigree of natives such as Brian Bonin, David Tanabe and Moose Goheen, and newer hockey towns like Eden Prairie and Woodbury.

Almost anywhere you travel in the State of Hockey, you’ll find a town where hockey is king.

St. Paul may have the ceremonial label of Hockeytown USA, but we all know hockey in this state is about more than just one town. Both Hockeytown USA and The State of Hockey are really just brilliant marketing slogans, but the Wild’s slogan gets credit for capturing what Minnesota is all about – a state chock full of hockey towns.

Hockeytown USA may have a new home, but thanks to Sports Illustrated, the residents of Warroad, Eveleth, Edina, Roseau and countless other Minnesota hockey towns, may release their own list of what it means to be a hockey fan in their city, leading off with, “You get ticked off when you hear St. Paul call itself ‘Hockeytown USA.’”

EDIT: Never mind. Wherever this guy is from is the new Hockeytown USA:



Air mic: Check.

Leg kick: Check

Mullet whip: Check

Spin/fall/recovery: Check.

Beer/dignity/pride/awareness of surroundings: M.I.A.

Just Because I Want to Show Him Off, Here's More Photos of Kieran

Due to popular demand, I bring you more photos of Kieran Michael Kurtt.

Cat Fight!

I first saw this on Awful Announcing and just had to pass it on. In the words of Cosmo Kramer, "C-c-c-cat fight." Not only is this video of a dust-up between a pair of college girls in the stands, it's in slow motion, with hypnotic music and outstanding captions. All in all, great cinematography and video editing.

A Perfect Storm of Hilarity

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The following things really did happen at the Nov. 17 Minnesota vs. Wisconsin football game at the Metrodome.

• Drunk mid-50s Wisconsin woman in Badger windbreaker drunk in stairwell. Lost motor functions. Falling asleep in stairwell. Lied down. Still kept drinking her beer.
• Wisconsin male fan projectile vomited in concourse trying to make it to the bathroom.
• Press box PA guy mocked twice by two 10-year old boys including once with soft serve ice cream.
• Media member (from badgerblitz.com) escorted out of press box after he appeared stoned or drunk. Got into brief altercation with Minneapolis Spokesman-Recorder reporter Charles Hallman. Sat in wrong seat twice. Slept entire second quarter until U of M Athletic Communications staffer had to awake him. When he woke up, he had a puddle of drool on his face.
• Other random drunk Wisconsin fans. Random Iowa State girl that wanted the Cyclone score.
• Gopher Director of Football Operations Randy Taylor firing up crowd all game, waving towel.
• Gopher strength coach Mark Hill getting in the face of official.
• Gopher Recruiting Coordinator Berezowitz running 60 yards after side judge not to mention running on field on numerous occasions and using his signature fake flag throw maneuver. Stat crew staffer yelling, "There Goes Berezowitz !"
• Overcelebration on Gopher sidelines on numerous occasions.
• Stat crew staffer naming random woman "Jizz Hair."
• The season's final appearance of Teddy K.
• U of M athletics money going to waste once again as Minnesota's Special Forces mat (think Twister or Jump to Conclusion) goes unused.
• Someone leaving piles of propaganda in the press box, encouraging media members to vote for Patrick Reusse as the Turkey of the Year. Language looks suspiciously like that of the speech Roy Griak gave earlier that week.
• Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema sprinting across the field at the end of the game to shake hands (albeit for a nanosecond) with Minnesota coach Tim Brewster.
• Brewster's lengthy, daggger-throwing stare in Bielema's direction as the Badger boss sprinted away.

To listen to KFAN's Dan Barreiro opine on the drunken buffoonery that took place in and around the press box, go here and listen to the Nov. 18 Sunday Sermon (his take on the events of the day is near the end of the piece).

And now, for no good reason but for the fact that we love seeing and reading about Bucky getting his ass kicked, we bring you this and this:

Shameless Promotion - The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep

Mr. Heavyfoot is all about helping out friends. In that spirit, we present you with a shameless promotion for a film called "The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep" which will be released this Christmas. Why does Mr. Heavyfoot care about this movie? Well, the sister of standout third baseman for Boom Goes the Dynamite Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) worked on the film which is slated to be released this Christmas.

We're not sure what Dre's sister did for this film. From what we can glean from the interweb, we're guessing she was an assistant to director executive producer Jay Russell. We could certainly be wrong though. Russell, by the way directed "Ladder 49," "Tuck Everlasting," "My Dog Skip" and "End of the Line."

A fantasy fable aimed at family audiences along the lines of "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," here's a quick synopsis of "The Water Horse": Based on the children's fantasy novel by British author Dick King-Smith. "The Water Horse" tells the story of a lonely boy in Scotland who finds a mysterious egg from which hatches a "water horse" -- a mythical sea monster of Scottish legend.

Down Goes Ballboy! Down Goes Ballboy!

We're not sure why we laughed so hard when we first saw this, but we did. Maybe it's the French announcers. They talk funny. (Oh, keep your eye on the ballboy in the upper left.)

Introducing the Newest Member of the Heavyfoot Community: Kieran Michael Kurtt

Society, begin your weeping. Pigs, start your flying, H-E-double hockey sticks, commence cool down. I am a father.

Weighing in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces, and measuring 19 inches in length (height?), introducing The Purveyor of Poop, The Sultan of Sleep (three hours at a time), The Dominator of Diapers, The Captain of Cute...KIERAN MICHAEL KURTT.


That's six-day-old Kieran in one of his few non-crying, non-defecating moments. The little guy was born Oct. 30, 2007, at 5:06 p.m.

This Just About Sums Up the Comcast vs. Big Ten Network Brouhaha For Us

Clubber Lang's Basement pretty much sums up what we think about the whole Comcast vs. Big Ten Network debate that rages on in Big Ten Country.

We, for one, love the Big Ten Network. Where else would we have seen this?



Or this?



Or, finally, this?

It Was Only a Matter of Time: Brewster Leads Goof Troop Into Bottom 10

Well, Tim Brewster the esteemed leader of Gopher Nation and head coach of the Goof Troop football team, has now managed to do two things no other head football coach at the University has done before. First, there was the first-ever loss to a Division I-AA team. Embarrassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

Now, the Brew Crew has led the Goof Troop into the national rankings - ESPN's Bottom 10. Never in the sometimes-illustrious history of Golden Gopher football has a team entered these rankings. Minnesota sits firmly at No. 6, sandwiched between fellow 1-7 juggernauts Northern Illinois and Idaho. Embarassing? Of course. Surprising? Nope.

The question is, how is the provider of the Gopher Nation Stat of the Week going to spin the Maroon and Gold's 1-7 record, losses to Bowling Green, Florida Atlantic and North Dakota State, and the No. 6 spot in the Bottom 10?

Fat Kids Are Funny, Clumsy, Big

We really wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't post these videos, now would we?

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

Hello Gopher Nation. As you know last week we were so very, very tremendously close to winning our epic showdown between two of the most tremendously high-flying offenses in the Big Ten if not the nation. Those are the kind of offenses that you will see in Pasadena playing on championship dirt. Now our championship dirt is still in the process of materializing, but when we step foot into TCF Bank Stadium in 2009 you will some first-class championship dirt along with some first-class Rose Bowl caliber football.

Now on to the Gopher Nation Good News Stat of the Week. As you know we are welcoming our great friends from Fargo down to one of the great college football venues in the nation in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and I have had people ask me from all over the Twin Cities (and North Dakota) how they can get tickets for this week's game. I just tell them to call 1-800-UGOPHER and come join Gopher Nation for an epic showdown between two of the best programs in the Upper Midwest.

On to the stat: As we all know Appalachian State pulled off a tremendous upset against Michigan earlier in the year as the No. 1 team in the football championship subdivision. Well since then App. State has lost to Wofford and our friends from Fargo have taken over the No. 1 spot in the FCS poll. On top of that, recent developments have made the Ohio State Buckeyes the No. 1 team in the nation in 1-A. Now you remember how the Buckeyes barely escaped the Metrodome when they tangled with the Gophers earlier this year.

Well when we are done with North Dakota State this week, the Gophers will be the only team in the nation to have played a team ranked No. 1 in the FCS and in the BCS this year. Of course Michigan will join us on this esteemed list at the end of the year, but for now it is just the Goof Troop.

This week, we figured we would give a bonus stat as well: After this week, Minnesota will have faced four different teams this year that entered the contest with an undefeated record.

Miami (Ohio) was 1-0
Purdue was 4-0
Ohio State was 4-0 and is 7-0
North Dakota State is 6-0

So you see what a tremendously difficult task we have been up against this year. Rest assured when the end of the season comes, Gopher Nation will prevail over all these mighty obstacles.

Here's to you: Mr. Delusional, Irrational, Hopelessly Pathetic Irish Fan

Spoofs of those Bud Light Real Men of Genius commercials are all over the place (link). But the above video really speaks to our outright hatred of all things Notre Dame. "Charlie's Headset Was Broken!"

Gopher Nation Stat of the Week

We know some of you may think that this 1-5 start may have dampened the spirits of Tim Brewster and Gopher Nation. We are here to tell it is quite the opposite, and that Gopher Nation is just fine, thank you. Each week in the spirit of Coach Brewster and Gopher Nation, we will bring you the nauseatingly positive stat that will help make excuses for the little detour that will lead Gopher Nation astray from the 2008 Rose Bowl.

This week's stat:

Minnesota's first six opponents have a combined record of 11-2 in their respective conferences. Those Owls, Red Hawks and Falcons are not to be taken lightly (We are surprised Patrick Reusse did not look at all those nicknames and say the Gophers pre-conference schedule is for the Birds, literally and figuratively).

Bowling Green - 1-0 in the MAC East
Miami (Ohio) - 2-0 (Gopher Nation's proudest victory of the 2007 season)
Florida Atlantic - 2-0 in the Sun Belt
Purdue - 1-1 in the Big Ten
Ohio State - 3-0 in the Big Ten
Indiana - 2-1 in the Big Ten

We will be back with next week's fact of the week. Remember recruit 24/7/365 or was that Recruit/Retain/Reward. Whatever.

Toddler + Soccer Ball = Hilarity

It's been way too long since we posted a video of a small child getting hurt in a hilarious fashion. We have a history of posting such videos. To wit: this and this. Enjoy.

Kurtt Matriarch Using Knee Surgery as an Excuse to Get Out of Just About Everything

Beth Kurtt (Mound, Minn.), the matriarch of the small, but soon-to-be-growing Kurtt family, is reportedly pulling the wool over the eyes of numerous family members, friends, coworkers and associates by using her recent knee surgery as an excuse to get out of just about everything, sources tell Mr. Heavyfoot. Kurtt (second from right in above photo) underwent knee replacement surgery to her left knee on Tuesday in St. Louis Park, Minn., and has since utilized the expected sympathy, physical, mental and spiritual assistance, and overall kindness of others to take advantage of and/or neglect her immediate family, defraud the United States Government and basically get whatever the heck she wants.

According to Mr. Heavyfoot insider and Beth's husband Jim, Hopalong Kurtt hatched her elaborate scheme months ago to use knee surgery as a ploy to cash in on the generosity of others. Jim alleges that Beth has "played the knee card" on countless occasions since going under the knife earlier this week.

"Beth is taking the whole woe-is-me act to a whole new level," the 65-year-old, but doesn't look a day over 50, soon-to-be first-time grandfather said. "Just tonight I heard her tell our awesome son (Kevin) how she's using her new found disability as a way to get me to cook, clean and otherwise wait on her hand-and-foot. I wouldn't have a problem with it, but she flat-out admitted to Kevin that she should be rehabbing in a freakin' nursing home. Instead, she's using me...not that that's any different from our first 34 years of marriage. Shoot, she heard that. Just kidding, honey!"

Kurtt's alleged exploitation of her husband's benevolence has already gotten to the point where the gimpy 63-year-old woman has taken to ringing a bell whenever she wants something from her spouse.

"I thought it was a good idea when she got it before her surgery," Jim said. "I mean, our townhouse is three stories. If she needed help for something on the third floor, I'd hear her ringing the bell on the first floor. Instead, it's 'ding! I'm thirsty, bring me water,' or 'ding! This water isn't cold enough,' or 'ding! There's too much ice in this glass.' Just this afternoon she rang the bell to tell me to turn the channel on the TV. The remote was in her hand, for crying out loud! She rings that bell so much our neighbors think there's a church bell choir rehearsing in our bedroom."

The unscrupulousness of Kurtt's actions has had effects beyond that of her husband. Maggie (the dog, not the Miller girl) has essentially been forgotten about and neglected by her human mother.

"Don't feel bad for me," Jim said. "Feel bad for our geriatric Shetland Sheepdog. Beth claims she rings the bell during the day to get Maggie to spend time with her, but she knows as well as anybody that that dog couldn't hear our daughter's car stereo if it was parked in our living room. I swear Beth partly used this knee surgery as a way to avoid taking Maggie out to defecate."

In addition to allegedly taking advantage of her loved ones, Kurtt (second from right in photo at right) has recently been accused of defrauding the U.S. Government out of taxpayer money as a direct result of her knee surgery. Though she claims to be working from home during her lengthy rehab, Mr. Heavyfoot has learned that the laptop provided by her employers at the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has been used exclusively for non-governmental uses.

"Mrs. Kurtt claims to be working on travel reimbursement, payroll and other vital human resources duties," USDA tech services expert Donna [last name redacted] said. "My research shows that the laptop she was issued has been used to play solitaire (both the classic and spider versions), write non-essential personal e-mails and shop at the websites of Land's End, L.L. Bean, REI and Babies 'R' Us. Mrs. Kurtt's fraudulent activity on a USDA laptop is like that $600 hammer that has become the icon of Defense Department waste and incompetence. And believe me, I know waste and incompetence. Wink, wink."

Kurtt's alleged fraudulent use of government money and equipment has gone largely unchecked, thanks to a high-ranking family member in Washington, D.C. Kurtt's older brother and well-connected Capitol Hill power-broker, Jim Backlin, the Vice President of Legislative Affairs for the Christian Coalition, arranged for Kurtt's defrauding of the government to go unnoticed by officials in return for Kurtt's assistance earlier this summer in Backlin's quest to make this year's Independence Day celebration secondary to his 65th birthday (link).

Although Kurtt appears to be in pain and has struggled to sleep due to her discomfort, certain sources are claiming that the knee surgery itself may be a ruse. As part of her rehab, Kurtt was provided a 480E Continuous Passive Motion (pictured at left) from health care company Otto Bock. According to Otto Bock customer service staffers, Kurtt has called several times in the last three days, asking for "the street value of the 480E" and for "any and all uses for the 480E by a fully healthy and mobile person."

In addition to her apparent misuse of a rehab apparatus, Kurtt is accused of faking her knee problem to obtain services from local physical therapists. Sammy Caldwell of Park Nicollet Rehab Specialists in Chanhassen, Minn., reports that Kurtt has been treating her rehab sessions like visits to the YMCA.

"Mrs. Kurtt hobbles in here and goes through the motions for a while," Caldwell said. "But then she 'forgets' about the pain in her knee. I swear I heard her challenge a group of therapists to a game of pick-up basketball yesterday. She's always trying to get free strength training from us. We're physical therapists, not personal trainers. I'm not sure she knows the difference and I'm not sure she cares. I just think she's thrilled not to be working at the USDA."

Much like her defrauding of the government, Kurtt's deception of the health care industry is reportedly being covered up by the very surgeon that allegedly operated on Kurtt's left knee. Sources indicate that orthopedic surgeon Dr. Michael Hebert had an existing relationship with the Maloney family of eastern Minnesota and western Wisconsin prior to Kurtt's surgery. A seemingly innocuous detail to the casual observer, but Hebert has been a party to deception in the past, covering up the Maloney's true heritage as Italian, not Irish as the family has claimed for years (link). Kurtt's surgery must be called into question given the suspicious and nefarious connection with the Maloney family and the fact that Kurtt's daughter-in-law, Casey Kurtt, is a granddaughter of Donald "Bill" and Winifred Marguerite Maloney, the perpetrators of the Maloney (aka Marconi) family deception.

Kurtt was largely unavailable for comment as she was too busy ringing her bell, but did say that she was likely "going to shoot for right knee replacement next fall and maybe a Tommy John operation in 2009."

In somewhat related news, Mary Miller (Lakeland, Minn.) has been accused of using her recent back surgery as an excuse to get her hands on hospital-quality pain medication.

Monday Morning Pep Talk

It's been a long weekend - the Gophers got beat by Purdue despite some outstanding on-field cheering by director of football ops Randy Taylor; Cooper, the Heavyfoot dog, threw up what must have been a quarter of her body weight after a hard frisbee-catching workout; ok, that's about it. But that's enough to warrant the above video.

This morning may we present to you a pep talk from Jim Cantafio - Chad Henne's coach at Wilson High School (Pa.).

There really isn't anything to say about his speech other than:

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? DO YOU DANNY? HUH DANNY? DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? HUH?"

Yet Another Black Eye for the Atlanta Falcons

Here's your obligatory posting of a video to prove that Mr. Heavyfoot still does exist. Here's our list of excuses for not posting recently: just started a new job, actually have to work at said job, new job does not provide the material needed for satirical news stories, good friend got married last weekend, pregnant wife won't allow us to write about how big she's getting anymore, laziness, this computer we're typing on sucks, former co-workers are paranoid about seeing their name satirized, etc. etc....

Until we come up with something good to write about, we give you the above video of a halftime football game between some Pop Warner kids and NFL mascots. As the Heavyfoot community should know, we're big fans of all things mascot, so when we come across of a video or story of a mascot, we're going to post it. About the video, in the words of the taper, "Look at the bird. Focus in on the bird." The Atlanta Falcons mascot takes out the team's frustrating on- and off-field performance by absolutely clobbering any Pop Warner kid that gets in his way.

Miller Daughters' Bellies Expanding at an Alarming Rate

Independent reports out of Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park, Minn., indicate that the bellies of sisters Casey Kurtt and Molly Casey, are expanding at an alarming rate. Casey, 28, and Molly, 26, the pregnant daughters of Mike and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., are due to give birth on Nov. 4 and 27, respectively.

Casey (pictured above at left) is beginning to resemble a whiter, shorter, livelier Kirby Puckett, while Molly (pictured above at right) looks as though she's gone from sporting an athletic six-pack to a 7.75 gallon pony keg.

The pregnant sisters' weight gain has garnered attention from several sources, ranging from family members to local businesses to area air traffic controllers. Grocery stores in Carver and Hennepin counties have been the most outspoken on the impact the ever-expanding bellies of Casey and Molly have had on business.

"Our supply and demand was doing just fine in the first quarter of 2007," Cub Food Midwest Region Vice President Brad Storch said. "But beginning in late winter and early spring, we experienced vast food shortages at our Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park locations. We had no idea what was going on, so we went to our security camera footage. There it was, clear as day - Mrs. Kurtt and Mrs. Casey waddling into Cub Foods Chanhassen and Cub Foods Brooklyn Park and proceeding to clear us out of countless food products. Since then, we've made some adjustments to our inventory. Let's just say we're stocking Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Slim Jims and Oh Boy! Oberto at record levels right now."

Close relatives of Casey and Molly have also noticed the exponential growth of the young women's bellies. Husbands Kevin Kurtt and Kyle Casey have done their best to help their lovely wives during this period of unchecked expanding, reportedly putting on a few belly pounds of their own during their wives' pregnancies.

"It's true, Kevin has put on some weight since I started ballooning like a, well, like a balloon," Casey said. "But he's just using sympathy weight as an excuse to be a lazy ass."

Kyle denied the reports on his weight gain.

"Let me just say that I am not, nor will I ever be, fat. I may be bald. I may have big teeth. But i am not letting myself go like Molly and Casey have."

The youngest Miller daughter, Jesse Miller, appears to be jealous of her older sisters' pregnancy and/or weight gain, so much so that the soon-to-be former resident of Chanhassen has been doing her best to gain weight by utilizing a program that features eating terribly while exerting as little effort as is humanly possible.

"I'm not sure if Jesse is trying to match our weight gain or if she's trying to look like a pre-Jenny Craig Kirstie Alley," Molly said. "She's well on her way, though, with her steady diet of pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, tater tots and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Mix in her hermit-like lifestyle and pretty soon our bellies won't be able to hold a candle to Jesse's gut. Fat girl in a little coat indeed."

Maggie Miller the oldest daughter of Mike and Mary has taken an entirely different angle on Casey and Molly's expanding bellies.

"Our uncle Mike (Maloney) finally has some competition in the belly category. He's been strutting around extolling the virtues of Jimmy (the pseudonym for Maloney's belly) for far too long. 'Jimmy and I ran a marathon. Jimmy and I did this. Jimmy and I did that.' I'm tired of hearing about Jimmy. It's nice that my two heifer sisters are stealing Jimmy's thunder."

For their part, Mike and Mary Miller have been supportive of their tubby daughters, despite their continued confusion that Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last (link).

"When Mary and I heard that Casey was pregnant, we thought we finally had a sure-fire way to figure out which daughter we were talking to," Mike said. "We were just going to refer to Casey as 'the pregnant one' or 'the fat one.' Well, then Kyle went ahead and got Molly knocked up and we're back to confusion central. Throw into the mix the fact that Jesse is eating like Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, and gaining weight like a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith and we're stuck with three daughters with expanding bellies. This is all too confusing. Thank God our unemployed daughter Maggie is still as svelte as ever."

Wrong Way, Ashley

We know. We know. We're not providing the expected content on Mr. Heavyfoot that you have all come to, well, expect. We'd apologize, but Mr Heavyfoot's world is a little hectic right now. We're starting a new job next Tuesday. Mrs. Heavyfoot is very pregnant and emotional. And our dog is as hyperactive as ever. To make amends to you, the Mr. Heavyfoot community, we present a video of an on-field CFL fan promotion gone hilaariously wrong. Poor Ashley. She really wanted that trip. Well, she got one. (Now that's comedy.)

From the "We Wish We Had Thought To Do This and Had the Actual Handyman Capabilities to Make It Happen" Department

Who doesn't love water slides? And who doesn't love homemade water slides that begin on the roof of a two-story building and end with a 16-foot gap into a kiddie pool? And who doesn't love the fact that said waterslide was made by high school kids when their parents were away for 10 days?

2007 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Summer Season

Shane Sanderfeld Memorial MVP: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Steve Geller)
- Comments on Noth: None
- Comments on Geller: "based on the number of weekly MVP honors he brought home and the fact that he is Shane's best friend,"
- Also receiving votes: Kevin Kurtt 3, Kyle Coughlin 2 ("Since I know he is itching to vote for himself I will do it for him"), Alicia Jerome, Tory Kukowski, The waitress at Corner Bar ("She always made me feel good")

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Steve Geller)
- Comments on Noth: "the streak continues," "without question," "the definition of 'clutch,'" "When do we start just calling this the Kevin Noth Playoff MVP Award? When they make a miniseries about Boom Goes the Dynamite (just like Bronx is Burning) on ESPN10 in 2040 they will talk about the antics of 'Mr. August' Kevin Noth. Chronicling the first time he stepped on the field for Boom in the playoffs with a wife beater, his stunning and confusing catch against Chicks with RAC's to his great performance against Chicks with RAC's in the semifinals.
- Also receiving votes: N/A

Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Emily Wood (runner-up: Andrea Smith)
- Comments on Wood: "Battled back from severe wrist injury to become a regular again on Boom Goes the Dynamite. Always hit the ball hard and played wherever needed." "She can throw the ball back to the pitcher better than anyone"
- Comment on Dré: "Having her at third provieds a lot of defensive options"
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin 2, Chris Cords, Aaron DeBerg, Steve Geller, Peyton N. Owens III, Meghan Potter, Emily Wood

Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Steve Geller (runner-up: Jeff Keiser)
- Comments on Geller: None
- Comment on Keiser: "He has started to fall off a little since entering his 30's and he should more then likely be traded for some new bats during the offseason. However, he still continues to be a consistent presence at the plate. Also Chris Cords' just missed the minimum 5 AB needed to be eligible for this award.
- Also receiving votes: Kyle Coughlin 2, Alicia Jerome 2, Tory Kukowski 2, Ryan Maus 2 ("Love the swing. I would vote for Geller, but the swing and miss hurts his chances", Kevin Noth 2, Meghan Potter, Andrea Smith

Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award: Andrea Smith (runners-up: Kevin Kurtt, Emily Wood)
- Comment on Dré: None
- Comment on KK: "only one on the team not to have a tirade or to use profanity
- Also receiving votes: Ryan Maus 2 ("I'm just assuming a guy who is a serial smiler must be a pretty good sport," "because he can't stop smiling! He's too nice!"), Kyle Coughlin, Katie Fornasiere, Steve Geller, Lisa Hardy, Jeff Keiser, Maggie ("Never argued with the umps and kept an even keel throughout the season")

Garry Bowman Leadership Award: Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Jeff Keiser)
- Comment on KK: "Handled dog, parents, sister, pregnant wife and child, and playing duties most games"
- Comment on Keiser: "Despite the fact that he had two semifinals losses this year, following up a season where manager/owner/player Steve Geller helped guide the team to a 28-0 record and two titles."
- Also receiving votes: Kevin Noth 2, Kyle Coughlin, Steve Geller, Lisa Hardy, Alicia Jerome, None

Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Emily Wood)
- Comments on Noth: None
- Comment on Wood: "Once again why would you give it to anyone else?"
- Also receiving votes: Michelle Train 3, Lisa Hardy 2, Kristine Yorde 2, Steve Geller, Ryan Maus

Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: Steve Geller and Emily Wood (runners-up: Tory Kukowski, Kevin Kurtt, Kevin Noth)
- Comments on Geller: "Courage to wear sweatpants in 90 degree heat and love of the game to wear sweat pants in 90 degree heat just so he can slide
- Comments on Wood: None
- Comment on Noth: "For his heroics and enthusiasm against Chicks with RAC's in the playoffs. He might still be sitting at the Corner Bar because he used all his energy for the playoffs."
- Also receiving votes: Chris Cords ("It takes courage to be Cords"), Alicia Jerome, Koda ("Still can't believe she recovered from the line drive to the face"), Peyton N. Owens III, Andrea Smith, Michelle Train

Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player: Kevin Noth (runner-up: Kristine Yorde)
- Comments on Noth: "He fell down much less this season," "For the first time since Boom, he rarely struck out and was actually a visible contributor before the playoffs started"
- Also receiving votes: Katie Fornasiere 2, Chris Cords ("The fact that he actually positively contributed to the team was an improvement from my expectations"), Jeff Keiser,Tory Kukowski, Emily Wood, Anyone but Potter and Jerome ("What happened to them?")

Emily Wickstrom Grit/Determination Award: Steve Geller (runners-up: Tory Kukowski and Kevin Noth)
- Comments on Geller: None
- Comment on Kuko: "He was determined to go out in style"
- Comment on Noth: "When I think of a pale-skinned bald guy with short shorts, that just says grit."
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy 2, Andrea Smith 2 ("very intense"), Kristine Yorde 2, Kyle Coughlin, Katie Fornasiere, Steve Geller, Kevin Kurtt, Michelle Train ("For covering football practice during the playoffs and volunteering to work St. John's practices on Tuesday, so Kevin Kurtt was free and clear to participate in round one of the playoffs.")

Tory Kukowski Memorial Rookie of the Year: Ryan Maus (runner-up: Chris Cords)
- Comments on Maus: "It's only appropriate, right?" "It is time for Boom to cut bait and start over with future up and comers. Bring back Kuko, sign Schroeder and dump the wasteful contracts of Coughlin, Geller and Noth - who will be too expensive due to his demands after his playoff performance."
- Also receiving votes: Kristine Yorde 3, Jordan Gigli, Matt Schroeder

Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Michelle Train (runner-up: Beth Kurtt)
- Comment on Train: "Train wins this easily, although I was impressed that the Kurtts showed up when Kevin was not even playing. Oh and big news our first foray into live stats was met with mixed results. We have 300 hits for our live stats for the playoffs. Unfortunately they all came from some apartment complex in Champaign, Ill. and there was anonymous request to get live video and put the camera on Coda and Cooper the whole game."
- Also receiving votes: Jim Kurtt 3, Emily Wickstrom 2 ("she's there in spirit", "she was vested in that team as she was with the hopeless Gopher men's basketball squad"), Chris Cords, Pam Hardy ("has become as critical as the Kurtts"), Casey Kurtt

Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper (runner-up: Maggie)
- Comment on Cooper: "She avoided getting arrested this time around."
- Comment on Maggie: "My favorite Lassie look-a-like. She has probably moved into my top-five favorite list. Why can't all dogs be this well-behaved?"
- Also receiving votes: Koda 2 ("she likes me better than Cooper does"), Hate 'em all

Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Ryan Maus (runner-up: Kristine Yorde)
- Comments on Maus: "Who else? Made a sweet catch in center," "Potter acqusition I. No wait, PA II. Or was it III? Ah forget it. Just give it to Ryan Maus," "Best 10-day pickup since Tyler Thomson. If he is here next year, we will build the Boom franchise around him."
- Also receiving votes: Chris Cords, Alyssa Downing, Katie Fornasiere, Jordan Gigli, Peyton N. Owens III, Michelle Train, Jerome’s neighbor, Potter Acquisition I, II, and III

Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Meghan Potter (runner-up: Tory Kukowski)
- Comments on Pottsie: "Does she even know how to hustle? Did she really play college sports?"
- Also receiving votes: Alicia Jerome 2 ("Make me belive that you care a little"), Garry Bowman ("What? I had to stop giving to Lochrem"), Kyle Coughlin ("for typically mailing it in"), Steve Geller, Jordan Gigli, Lisa Hardy, Jeff Keiser, Laura Kurtt, Shane Sandersfeld, Matt Schroeder ("lost like five cell phones")

Cy Young, brought to you by Icy Hot: Kyle Coughlin (runner-up: Steve Geller)
- Comments on KC: "I was stellar," "Saved us from any appearances from Steven 'Wild Thing' Geller this season"
- Comments on Geller: "The Matt Garza of Boom"
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy, Alicia Jerome, I don’t know what Cy Young is

Gold Glove, presented by Isotoner: Kevin Kurtt, Kevin Noth, Andrea Smith, Ryan Maus and Steve Geller
- Comments on the winners: "The usual staples get these honors. They might just be living off their rep at this point like in the Major Leagues with Gold Gloves but that is fine. Ryan Maus also gets because of the great catch against Chicks With RAC's, despite some erratic throwing in his first day of action with team Boom."
- Also receiving votes: Jeff Keiser 3, Katie Fornasiere 2, Tory Kukowski 2, Alicia Jerome 2, Chris Cords, Lisa Hardy, Jerome's Neighbor, Meghan Potter

Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year: Jeff Keiser (Runner-up: Meghan Potter)
- Comments on Keiser: "aka Terry Ryan," "Me. I worked hard."
- Comments on Pottsie: "Saved Boom from the first forfeit in franchise history," "Keiser has yet to lead this team to a championship. We want Geller!"
- Also receiving votes: Kevin Kurtt ("for his willingness to put money in front of principle and cash a check with Bucky Badger on it.")

Marvin Geller Lifetime Achivement Award: Steve Geller and Maggie (runner-up: Kyle Coughlin)
- Comments on Geller: None
- Comments on Maggie: None
- Comments on KC: "Could it really be the end?"
- Also receiving votes: Tory Kukowski 2, Kevin Kurtt 2 ("He started the franchise and is still a big part of it during what could have been the final season"), Michelle Train 2 ("For her undying devotion"), Chris Cords ("For unexpectedly displaying some sort of athletic ability")


Bobby Z’S Kodak Moments of the Year:
• Cooper chasing Noth around the basepaths in the quarterfinal win over the Ligers
• Kevin Noth’s diving catch of a foul popup in the semifinal loss to Chicks with RAC’s
• Tory Kukowski’s performance in his final game in a Boom uniform (vs. Cobra Kai Dojo)
• Kevin Noth’s whole game against Chicks with RAC’s in the semifinals
• Jeff Keiser’s catch on the sinking liner to clinch first game of the playoffs vs. BobLobLaw’s Blog
• Andrea Smith and Alicia Jerome both beating the leftfielder from Chicks from RAC’s (in the semifinals), to actually remind us that they did play softball in college
• Chris Cords’ shocking 4-for-4 performance vs. Team Neil
• Steve Geller’s over-the-shoulder catch in an easy 15-5 victory over playoff finalist Sugar
• Guy from Chicks with RAC’s hitting two no-doubters off Kyle Coughlin in the season opener
• Steve Geller’s t-shirts
• Ryan Maus’ catch vs. Chicks with RAC’s in the semifinals
• Kyle Coughlin’s pitching consistently
• Kevin Noth’s seventh-inning slam in the semifinals vs. Chicks with RAC’s
• Tory Kukowski and Peyton N. Owens III collision in the outfield vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Kyle Coughlin and Kevin Noth rounding the bases together
• Tory Kukowski almost taking Kevin Noth’s head off with a liner towards first vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Kevin Noth showing up for game vs. Show me Your Tiff’s and knowing none of the guys
• Alicia pitching five scoreless innings before walking in four vs. Show me Your Tiffany’s
• Steve Geller, Kevin Noth, Kevin Kurtt

The Steak Knife Bloopers of the Year:
• Steve Geller’s strikeout vs. Pink Tacos on a ball that was probably eight feet high
• Lisa Hardy’s strikeout vs. Chicks with RAC’s
• Kevin Noth’s strikeout vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Kristine Yorde’s strikeout vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Kevin Kurtt taking a ground ball to the face vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Tory Kukowski and Peyton N. Owens III collision in the outfield vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• The “shift” working to perfection against Tory Kukowski vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Steve Geller maiming Sugar’s third basewoman with a line drive
• Kevin Noth over-running third base on a stand-up triple
• Kevin Noth giving Kevin Kurtt the stop sign as third base coach when the ball hadn’t even reached the cut
• Maggie eating a dead bunny in the win over Sugar
• Alicia Jerome letting a trio of ground balls go by at third base vs. Cobra Kai Dojo
• Kevin Noth’s catch against with Chicks with RAC’s in the semifinals – it was great and comical all at the same time
• Cooper doing her best impression of the fan who ran around the bases with Hank Aaron during “715” when Kevin Noth went yard against the Ligers.
• Testing the “fielding ability” of Pink Taco’s catcher
• Any time Kyle Coughlin runs the bases
• Jeff Keiser in the outfield
• Alicia Jerome’s altercation with Shane’s ump regarding BobLobLaw’s Blog player over-running second base
• Kyle Coughlin’s injuries
• Kevin Noth bringing back the wife-beater
• Kevin Noth’s cocoa butter
• Loss against Show Me Your Tiffany’s where Kyle Coughlin, Steve Geller, Kevin Kurtt and Jeff Keiser were missing, then compliance was supposed to fill in and they were all missing and then Meghan Potter’s friends along with Alicia Jerome’s neighbor saving the forfeit.
• Kevin Noth’s comment of “I did not know anyone on that team.”
• Jim Kurtt yelling, “Season’s over.”
• Kevin Noth or Geller – I’m sure they had a few to pick from…
• Kyle Coughlin

Most Awards Won
Steve Geller 5
Kevin Noth 5
Ryan Maus 3
Kevin Kurtt 2
Andrea Smith 2
Emily Wood 2

Most Times Runner-Up
Steve Geller 3
Tory Kukowski 3
Jeff Keiser 2
Kevin Kurtt 2
Kevin Noth 2
Emily Wood 2
Kristine Yorde 2

No Votes Received
Jay Larson

It's Funny When People Fall Down

In honor of Boom Goes the Dynamite falling on its face in the semifinals on Tuesday night, we give you a model and a fat guy falling. Like we needed a reason to post these videos.

Kevin Noth's Fist Pumps Not Enough as Boom Ends Season with Semifinal Loss

"Season's over!"
- Fan Jim Kurtt (Waterloo, Iowa) said mockingly following Boom Goes the Dynamite's season-ending loss

Boom Goes the Dynamite saw its 2007 season come to a close last night as the two-time 2006 CSC Champions posted its second consecutive third-place finish with an 18-3 win over the Ligers and an 11-10 loss to eventual champions Chicks with RAC's. Boom rode stellar batting, fielding and fist-pumping performances from perennial playoff MVP Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) to come within a run and three outs of advancing to the championship game, but it wasn't enough as Chicks with RAC's scored with a walk-off double in the bottom of the seventh inning.

"Another CSC banner just wasn't in the cards for us in 2007," team president Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) said. "Maybe we lost the fire to win after capturing those two titles in 2006. I know I want to win more than ever, but I'm just not seeing the drive and focus out of a lot of our players. You know who I'm talking about. There was (Meghan) Potter reverting to her Little Miss Lackadaisical alter ego; (Alicia) Jerome (pictured at right) apparently forgetting that she's a former D-I softball player; our president, shortstop and two-time MVP (Kevin Kurtt) hitting like (Michelle) Train; and (Matt) Schroeder all but abandoning the team in the latter half of the season. I just wish that we could all play like Noth in the playoffs."

Noth was far and away Boom's standout player in all areas of the field, hitting multiple home runs, entertaining the five fans in attendance with a handful of defensive gems and attempting to pump up Boom with a plethora of high-fives, fist bumps and pumps, and motivational phrases.

"Noth was amazing out there," semifinal co-Goat of the Game Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) said. "His play was great and all, but it was his passion that really flabbergasted me. I wish I could muster up the courage to hustle or the feelings to care about the outcome like he does, but I just haven't been the same player since I led my Esko Ice Summer Fastpitch team to the AFA Nationals in 1997 and 1998."

Noth's playoff prowess shined again as the balding cyclist raised his postseason batting average to .809 with clutch home runs in both contests last night. Noth's regular season batting average remains at a very Mario Mendoza-esque .213.

"It's my job as Boom historian to note that Kevin Noth has now been named the Corner Bar Co-Player of the Game in four of the last seven playoff games," Boom Superfan Award hopeful Beth Kurtt (Minneapolis, Minn.) (pictured with Superfan hopeful daughter Laura, shortstop son Kevin and Superfan hopeful and team heckler husband Jim at left) said. "Why can't my Kevin be like Kevin Noth? I sure as heck didn't teach him to hit like he did last night."

Not all in attendance were thrilled by Noth's play last night. Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year hopeful Cooper (Zimmerman, Minn.) (pictured at right) was notably displeased with Noth in the quarterfinal vs. the Ligers, so much so that the feisty miniature Australian shepherd chased Noth around the basepaths, doing her best impression of that fan who ran around the bases with Hank Aaron after Aaron hit his 715th home run. Maggie, the other mascot at last night's game, was unavailable to comment on Cooper's supposed distaste for Noth.

In addition to his out-of-this-world hitting performance, Noth provided a pair of web gems with a diving catch of a foul popup and a jaw-dropping double play at second base - both in the semifinal against Chicks with RAC's. Noth nearly recorded his fourth baserunning/base coaching gaffe of the season in the seventh inning by almost over-running Kyle Coughlin between first and second base, but the CSC league leader in strikeouts hit the brakes and chased Coughlin all the way around the bases for his second home run of the contest. Cooper was appropriately leashed.

Although happy with his play, team management is now bracing for Noth's contract demands in the offseason. Boom's lowest-paid player at $230,000, Noth will certainly command salary numbers consistent with Boom's other aging veterans - Kyle Coughlin ($750,000), Jeff Keiser ($3 million) Steve Geller ($3.125 million).

“I need to feed my family,” Noth said at a press conference this morning. “They offered me $500,000 for three years. That’s not going to cut it. If [owner Kevin] Kurtt wants to see my family fed, he better cough up some money."

In addition to Noth, Boom heads into the offseason with four other players entering free agency. Wily journeyman Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.), slugger and utility player Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.), knocked-up former infielder Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and Disappointment of the Year frontrunner Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) became free agents at 12:01 a.m., Central time.

"We're prepared to negotiate with some of our players, but not all of them," general manager Jeff Keiser said. "We hear Coughlin is mulling retirement, so we won't have to worry about his grandiose opinions of himself clouding negotiations. That's nice. Geller keeps mentioning that he was 13-for-15 in the playoffs, but we're just not sure how much he has left in the tank. We'll see how Casey bounces back from popping out a kid. If she calls it quits, we always have (Emily) Wood. Then there's Potter (pictured at left).

"I'll be honest with you. I messed up. Maybe I was impressed by her stats from her days at Hibbing High School, but I killed our salary cap by giving that full-time tanner, part-time hustler $17.2 million for this season. It sure will be nice to have her salary off the books. Unless she's willing to take a pay cut, Ms. Potter is free to look elsewhere."

Below is the projected 2008 Boom Goes the Dynamite roster (contract terms included):
P - TBD
C - Emily Wood (signed thru 2008 - 2 yr/$2.3 mil)
1B - Lisa Hardy (signed thru 2009 - 3 yr/$5.2 mil)
2B - Alicia Jerome (signed thru 2010 - 4 yr/$18.1 mil)
3B - Andrea Smith (signed thru 2014 - 8 yr/$82 mil)
SS - Kevin Kurtt (signed thru 2011 - 6 yr/$114 mil)
OF - Jeff Keiser (signed thru 2009 - 5 yr/$15 mil)
OF - Ryan Maus (signed thru 2008 - terms undisclosed)
OF - TBD
OF - TBD

Potential signings: Steve Geller (P/UT), Kevin Noth (UT), Tyler Thomson (OF), Alicia Jerome's neighbor (??), Matt Schroeder (OF), Tory Kukowski (OF), Casey Kurtt (IF), Katie Fornasiere (IF), Kristine Yorde (IF), Chris Cords (UT), Peyton N. Owens III (OF), Chris Lagasse (C)

Notes
• Boom out-scored its opponents 238-158 in 19 games in the 2007 season.
• Corner Bar Male Player of the Game (both games): Kevin Noth
• Corner Bar Female Player of the Game (Ligers): Emily Wood
• Corner Bar Female Player of the Game (Chicks with RAC's): Andrea Smith
• Goat of the Game (Ligers): Cooper
• Goat of the Game (Chicks with RAC's): Lisa Hardy and Meghan Potter
• Boom has now finished last three seasons with one-run games (2006 Summer: 18-17 vs. Yep; 2007 Spring: 10-11 vs. Cleveland Steamers; 2007 Summer: 10-11 vs. Chicks with RAC's)
• In addition for her apparent dislike of Kevin Noth, Cooper showed her distaste for the Corner Bar's chips by throwing up a purple one on the sidewalk.
• Rookie, Tory Kukowski Memorial Intern and serial smiler Ryan Maus (Northfield, Minn.) made what many believe to be the best catch in the outfield since Jeff Leach (Sartell, Minn.) patrolled the field for Boom's predecessor I'm With Stupid.
• Fans in attendance: Pam Hardy, Beth Kurtt, Casey Kurtt, Jim Kurtt, Michelle Train
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (4 appearances), Beth Kurtt (3 apps.), Casey Kurtt (3 apps.), Emily Wickstrom (3 apps.), Jim Kurtt (2 apps.), Pam Hardy (2 apps.), Chris Cords (1 app.), Katie Fornasiere (1 app.), Laura Kurtt (1 app.), Jay Larson (1 app.), Kristine Yorde (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Maggie (3 appearances), Cooper (2 apps.), Koda (2 apps.)
• Summer season combined attendance: 22
• Summer season combined mascot attendance: 7

The Price is Wrong, José

We here at Mr. Heavyfoot have been big fans of Bob Barker and The Price is Right ever since our mom plopped us in front of the TV at 10 a.m., every morning while she did what moms do. Since we pride ourselves in being relative experts in the long-time game show, we know bad moves when we see them, from where to put the chip on the Plinko board to over-bidding on a product in Cliff Hangers to poor putting technique in Hole in One (or Two) to the pace at which you must bid during the Clock Game to risking it on the Showcase Showdown to...BIDDING $250,000 ON ONE SHOWCASE?!?!

Poor José in the above video was in wayyyy over his head for the Showcase portion of the day. What the heck was he thinking when he bid $250,000? Did he think he was bidding on every single product he saw during that day's show? Was he bidding in yen? Has the Navy taught him NOTHING?

There's just so much in this video to love:
1) Bob: "Our top winner in the Showcase is...GAY!" - Now Bob has had his fair share of sexual harassment troubles, but this time he's 100% innocent. The contestant's name is Gay.
2) José asking, "When I bid on the showcase, you mean everything?" Bob replies, "Everything." José's eyes then get huge as he says "Everything?" - Sheesh. No José, just bid on the carpet.
3) Bob then calling him Joe - "Give me your bid, Joe." - Clearly, Bob called him Joe on purpose. Bob knew this guy was going to ruin the end of an otherwise great show.
4) José: "I bid $250,000."
Bob: "$250?" - Bob's hearing isn't what it used to be.
5) José's look after he clarifies his bid of $250,000. - That right there is a look of complete and utter confidence...or is it confusion.
6) Bob laughing at José and his bid.
7) José: "Woo!"
8) Bob giving José another shot at a realistic bid; José throwing out $60,000; Bob giving José one last little shot to re-think that awful bid before basically saying, "Screw it, that's your bid you dumbass."
9) Gay's bid of "A dollar." - The look on Gay's face after making that bid is priceless. It's like she's saying, "You idiot sailor-boy, I just punked your ass on national television."
10) The look on José's face as the go to and come back from commerical. It looks like he actually thinks he still has a chance.
11) José's reaction after going over. He has no idea what just happened. - Ignorance is bliss, right? For some reason, I see a dishonorable discharge from the Navy in José's future.
12) Perhaps the best part: Gay's reaction when she's announced as the winner. - Gay, what did you think was going to happen? You should have screamed like that when José bid 250 grand. You had that thing locked up. Were you actually nervous at the end there?

How Not to Play Golf in the Dark

Clearly we've been mailing it in during the last week or so. The tradition continues today as we take the easy route and just post another video that's made the rounds on the interweb for some time now. We'd apologize, but it's not like this is a subscription-based blog. Plus, no one we know has done or said anything remotely worth writing fake news about. C'mon Heavyfoot community, do something so we can do what we do best. Until then, we give you an idiot swinging a golf club at something that resembles a Molotov cocktail.

Dogs and Bikes Don't Mix

Since we're still in no mood to write fake news stories, we'll stick with the dog theme and give you a pair of videos of those dogs that decided to participate in the Tour de France. A kinda interesting note on the second video: the guy in white (Sandy Casar) who ran into the dog went on to win the stage.

Because It's Kind of a Somber Day in These Parts, Here's Cooper Catching Frisbees

As we sit just a little more than a stone's throw away from the collapsed I-35W bridge over Mississippi, we're just in no mood to write fake news. Instead, we're bringing back the video of the somewhat amazing frisbee dog Cooper catching...wait for it...wait for it...Frisbees!

Daughter's Last Name Thoroughly Confusing Mike and Mary Miller

Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced that their third-eldest daughter, Molly, has been eliminated from contending for Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status (link) as her parents are thoroughly confused by her last name of Casey. According to sources close to the couple, the Millers routinely mix up Molly Casey with their second-eldest daughter, Casey Kurtt.

"It all started at the bridal shop in the months leading up to Molly's wedding," Mary said. "The bridesmaids would show up to get fitted for their dresses. The ladies at the shop would ask for the last names of the bride and groom. Well, you had Molly Miller and you had Kyle Casey, so the file would be labeled 'Miller, Casey.' Well, that's my second-oldest daughter's maiden name and she got her dresses at the same shop for her wedding in 2005. It's no wonder half of the girls in Molly's wedding were dressed in purple while the others were in that champagne color."

The confusion over Molly's relatively new last name has resulted in countless incidences of befuddlement in the Miller household when calling daughters No. 2 and 3.

"Let's see if I can explain this," Mike said. "Before I even make the call, I have Mary verify which kid I'm calling. But we don't refer to them by their first names. If I say I'm going to call Casey, who am I going to call? It could be either one. So now we use code words to refer to the appropriate daughter. If I'm calling Casey Kurtt, we say 'the short one.' If I'm calling Molly Casey, we say 'the one with the huge-ass house."

"The confusion doesn't end there, though," Mike added. "If I call the one with the huge-ass house, they answer the phone by saying 'The Caseys' and I'm right back to being utterly and completely bewildered."

Since Molly's wedding on Nov. 4, 2006, the Millers have mixed up two of their daughters in numerous phone and in-person conversations. Neighbor Bob Keller has seen the effects of the confusing name situation on his longtime friend Mike.

"Out of 10 calls, I'd say there are six that Mike simply does not know who he's talking to," Keller said. "He can't figure out Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last. Add to that the fact that both of the husbands have two first names (Kyle Casey and Kevin Kurtt), and Mike's about ready to check into the Alzheimer's wing of North Memorial."

Regarding Molly's elimination from consideration for MFD status, the Millers were unapologetic.

"Molly just made too many poor choices," Mary said. "First, she marries a guy with the name Casey. Why couldn't she marry someone with a different Irish name like McDuff or something? Or maybe a good Italian name from my family's lineage as Marconis (link)? Then Molly goes ahead and gets pregnant with a due date within three or four weeks of Casey's. We were confused enough before she got knocked up. Finally, we found out that they're considering naming their kid Jesse. As if we weren't confused enough, they're thinking about using the name of our youngest daughter. As you can see, we really had no choice but to throw her out of the MFD competition."

Molly's elimination for MFD status follows eldest daughter Maggie Miller's elimination in the wake of her indictment as a major player in the alleged Michael Vick dogfighting operation (link). With Maggie and Molly out of the running for MFD, the race comes down to Chanhassen residents Casey Kurtt and Jesse Miller.

Where Do Babies Come From?

There's the ongoing debate in the sex ed world about teaching kids abstinence vs. safe sex. That debate is now settled by showing kids the above video, resulting in today's youth being appropriately terrified of sex like we were.

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Boom Goes the Dynamite Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with more members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of Simpsons characters. Our next installment: The 2007 edition of the Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball team (including a sampling of fans and 10-day acquistions). Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

Assistant Tennis Coach Keeps Calling People "You Bitch"

University of Minnesota assistant men's tennis coach Urban Ljubic (Ljubljana, Slovenia) has found himself embroiled in a controversy stemming from complaints that the third-year member of the Golden Gopher staff has been calling people "you bitch." Numerous members of the U of M Intercollegiate Athletics Department, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) Northern Section and prospective student-athletes have reported that, for some reason, Ljubic chooses to use the insult immediately upon introducing himself.

Since joining the Golden Gophers prior to the 2006-07 season, Ljubic has managed to alienate several members of the athletic department with his abusive language.

"Urban has been here since last fall and he hasn't stopped saying 'you bitch' to me," U of M head women's tennis coach Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) said. "I think he's a sociopath."

"From what I hear, Urban is a great tennis coach and a better person, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the disrespecful speech," Baseline Tennis Center director John Pratt said. "Maybe it's part of the Slovenian culture or something to say 'you bitch' to people upon meeting them. Maybe it's the language barrier. I don't know. What I do know is I didn't have to endure this abuse when Luciano (Battaglini of Brazil) came to the U."

According to complaints received by Mr. Heavyfoot, Ljubic's hurtful language has spread beyond the walls of the Bierman Field Athletic Building. The greater tennis community has also felt the wrath of the former University of Denver tennis standout's disparaging introductions.

"I don't know what his problem is," USTA Northern official Tim Kurtt (St. Paul, Minn.) said. "I introduced myself to him shortly before the Big Ten Championship this past April and he called me 'you bitch.' As a tournament referee for a lot of events, I've been called a lot of things in the heat of the moment, but this was during what I thought was a friendly introduction. Listen, Urban. I was a linesman at Wimbledon this year. No one calls me a bitch."

Tennis recruiting services have reported that Ljubic's inflammatory introductions are negatively impacting head coach Geoff Young's success in landing prospective Division I tennis players. As recruiting is one of Ljubic's primary duties as an assistant coach, student-athletes in the U.S. and beyond are constantly having to deal with his derisive talk.

"Geoff and Urban have been recruiting me for some time now," an anonymous high school tennis player said. "Urban is usually the one to call me. I answer the phone and it's always 'Hi. It's Urban, you bitch.' I never even get his last name. I have no idea why I still have Minnesota on my short list."

Rumors indicate that when pronounced in his native Slovenian language, Ljubic's name sounds like the phrase 'you bitch.' Those rumors remain unconfirmed.

When reached for comment at his home by Mr. Heavyfoot reporters, Ljubic introduced himself by saying, "Nice to meet you. My name is Urban, you bitch."