Independent reports out of Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park, Minn., indicate that the bellies of sisters Casey Kurtt and Molly Casey, are expanding at an alarming rate. Casey, 28, and Molly, 26, the pregnant daughters of Mike and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., are due to give birth on Nov. 4 and 27, respectively.
Casey (pictured above at left) is beginning to resemble a whiter, shorter, livelier Kirby Puckett, while Molly (pictured above at right) looks as though she's gone from sporting an athletic six-pack to a 7.75 gallon pony keg.
The pregnant sisters' weight gain has garnered attention from several sources, ranging from family members to local businesses to area air traffic controllers. Grocery stores in Carver and Hennepin counties have been the most outspoken on the impact the ever-expanding bellies of Casey and Molly have had on business.
"Our supply and demand was doing just fine in the first quarter of 2007," Cub Food Midwest Region Vice President Brad Storch said. "But beginning in late winter and early spring, we experienced vast food shortages at our Chanhassen and Brooklyn Park locations. We had no idea what was going on, so we went to our security camera footage. There it was, clear as day - Mrs. Kurtt and Mrs. Casey waddling into Cub Foods Chanhassen and Cub Foods Brooklyn Park and proceeding to clear us out of countless food products. Since then, we've made some adjustments to our inventory. Let's just say we're stocking Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Slim Jims and Oh Boy! Oberto at record levels right now."
Close relatives of Casey and Molly have also noticed the exponential growth of the young women's bellies. Husbands Kevin Kurtt and Kyle Casey have done their best to help their lovely wives during this period of unchecked expanding, reportedly putting on a few belly pounds of their own during their wives' pregnancies.
"It's true, Kevin has put on some weight since I started ballooning like a, well, like a balloon," Casey said. "But he's just using sympathy weight as an excuse to be a lazy ass."
Kyle denied the reports on his weight gain.
"Let me just say that I am not, nor will I ever be, fat. I may be bald. I may have big teeth. But i am not letting myself go like Molly and Casey have."
The youngest Miller daughter, Jesse Miller, appears to be jealous of her older sisters' pregnancy and/or weight gain, so much so that the soon-to-be former resident of Chanhassen has been doing her best to gain weight by utilizing a program that features eating terribly while exerting as little effort as is humanly possible.
"I'm not sure if Jesse is trying to match our weight gain or if she's trying to look like a pre-Jenny Craig Kirstie Alley," Molly said. "She's well on her way, though, with her steady diet of pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, tater tots and Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Mix in her hermit-like lifestyle and pretty soon our bellies won't be able to hold a candle to Jesse's gut. Fat girl in a little coat indeed."
Maggie Miller the oldest daughter of Mike and Mary has taken an entirely different angle on Casey and Molly's expanding bellies.
"Our uncle Mike (Maloney) finally has some competition in the belly category. He's been strutting around extolling the virtues of Jimmy (the pseudonym for Maloney's belly) for far too long. 'Jimmy and I ran a marathon. Jimmy and I did this. Jimmy and I did that.' I'm tired of hearing about Jimmy. It's nice that my two heifer sisters are stealing Jimmy's thunder."
For their part, Mike and Mary Miller have been supportive of their tubby daughters, despite their continued confusion that Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last (link).
"When Mary and I heard that Casey was pregnant, we thought we finally had a sure-fire way to figure out which daughter we were talking to," Mike said. "We were just going to refer to Casey as 'the pregnant one' or 'the fat one.' Well, then Kyle went ahead and got Molly knocked up and we're back to confusion central. Throw into the mix the fact that Jesse is eating like Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, and gaining weight like a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith and we're stuck with three daughters with expanding bellies. This is all too confusing. Thank God our unemployed daughter Maggie is still as svelte as ever."
No comments:
Post a Comment