Worst Throw in Softball History to Result in Amputation of Keiser’s Arm

Boom Goes the Dynamite Assistant General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) will undergo a surgical procedure to amputate his right arm on Friday after the left fielder made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history last night in Boom’s 15-1 win over Lookin’ to Score. Attempting to make a throw to home plate, Keiser instead heaved the ball 15 feet over catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and into the ivy covering the backstop. Keiser’s right elbow promptly fell to the grass in left field, while shards of his ulnar nerve were spotted in the ivied backstop, precipitating tomorrow’s amputation.

“Jeff Keiser sustained a Class IV injury to his right elbow last night,” team physician and May Teammate of the Month Mahdi Abbou Sammad said. “My surgical team will work diligently to preserve Mr. Keiser’s quality of life, but he didn’t do himself any favors by making that horrendous throw. He no throw good and he now hurt bad. In related news, I’d like to announce that the amputation will be broadcast live on this week’s episode of Hello Mahdi!”

Keiser, an original member of the Boom Goes the Dynamite softball franchise, will be cared for at his Plymouth, Minn., home by all-star caregiver Joyce Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa). The mother of now-defunct Shane Sandersf***, a former power hitter and below-average outfielder, will see to all of Keiser’s daily needs, including bathing, feeding and defecating, clearing the way for Keiser’s wife to continue to train for the 47 marathons that she will be competing in this summer.

“It’s a shame that he’ll lose his arm, but he kinda deserves it if you ask me,” wily veteran Kyle “Turn Your Head And” Coughlin said. “I mean, did you see that god-awful throw? He allowed their only run to cross the plate. It’s embarrassing. I’m glad they’re cutting his arm off. Serves him right.”

Pick 'Em Corner Signs One-Year Deal

Shane Sandersfeld, Producer of "Pick 'Em Corner" has just locked into a one-year agreement with BW3 to bring back the popular sports show for it's second season.

Negotiations between Sandersfeld and BW3 were ongoing since last January when the show concluded its first season on Victory Sports One. The show was the highest-rated program on VSO, but rumors of its cancellation became rampant after Sandersfeld was unsure if he could bring back two of the prominent personalities, Jeff "The Cornerman" Keiser and "The Professor" Kevin Kurtt. Also adding to the chaos, was Sandersfeld's near death experience in Mexico where he was attempting to reach an agreement with ESPN Deportes to simulcast "Pick Em Corner" with the Spanish equivalent "El Gaucho Cornero Loco". That plan fell by the wayside, as did Sandersfeld, as his broken neck led to stagnating the negotiations with both VSO and ESPN Deportes.

Sandersfeld was forced to turn negotiations over to Executive Director Joyce Sandersfeld, who quickly scrapped the idea of taking the show to a more southern entity and cut off ties with ESPN Deportes after they requested that the show be moved to Don Pablo's and all talent involved with the show drink Corona or Dos Equis.

"I know Shane very desperately wanted to make this show work in both Minneapolis and Mexico," said Joyce Sandersfeld, "but the demands of ESPN Deportes, the Mexican government and Shane's unpaid medical bill matter down there have made dealings with the our friends to the south very uncomfortable.

"It is too bad because Shane was confident that three spinoff shows to "El Gaucho Cornero Loco," were a sure-thing."

The first was a game show called "Hello Mati!!!" hosted by "The Professor," where a foreign janitor tries each week to make more friends than a random competitor. The second was called "Keepin' Cool With Coolies" where Steve Geller follows spring-breakers to local hot spots in Mexico and shows the viewer what they are missing. The show is sponsored by Cool Ranch Doritos and Geller must say "Stay Cool" 30 times per half-hour episode. The third show, "Gettin' Paid," starred funnyman Bob Swoverland as host. Swoverland goes to different hoods in Minneapolis/St. Paul and hands out money to the people representing their 'hood with the worst jokes.

Shane resumed control of the negotiations in late April and everything seemed to be in place except for the finalizing of the talent.

"It was a difficult hurdle to get over because much like the "Friends" series, you have a lot of unknowns who become overnight superstars," Sandersfeld said. "I knew I needed to act quickly to lock up Kyle "Cool Breeze" Coughlin, and Steve "Stellar" Geller before another pilot tried to sign them and fortunately I was able to do that. The hardest part was getting "Cornerman" and "The Professor" to jump back on board. They have "other interests" that yours truly, Stellar and Breeze don't have to contend with. I had to be flexible and I want to thank BW3 and the committee for allowing them to appear on a minimum of five shows to fulfill their contract. That part of the deal would never have been allowed had I not been able to sign "The Veteran" Kevin Coughlin back for one more season. Much like Roger Clemens, "Veteran's" contract cost me a pretty penny, but the show isn't the same without the core."

As host, Sandersfeld agreed to 13 shows in the fall, an NFL Playoff Preview in December or January, a NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Special in March and a NFL Draft Preview Special in April. Sandersfeld also gave way to two "random" specials which may occur any time between August '06 through April '07, but he did not agree to a NCAA Women's Basketball Tourney Special sponsored by Oxygen in May.

Other concessions made by both sides include Sandersfeld allowing the show to be re-named "The Corner" as part of "Wings & Thangs Thursday" and despite BW3 not wanting to bring back secondary sponsors, Sandersfeld was able to get Stinky's Pub back for a second-straight year and he negotiated a sponsorship with Masterlock for each of the talent's pick of the week. Sandersfeld failed to negotiate a deal allowing the talent to pick their waitress. He also would not disclose who may be make "special guest appearances" in 2006-07.

In a separate deal, Sandersfeld also negotiated a food sponsorship with BW3 thru 2008 to be the primary commercial vendor for the very popular "KC's Draft Party!!

Boom Goes The Dynamite Softball Signs Tyler Thomson to Amateur Tryout Contract

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) to an amateur tryout contract. Thomson, a 35-year-old power hitter and MVP of the 2005 Rodents vs. Chipmunks inter-office softball game, agreed to terms with team president and manager Steve “Peanut Butter and” Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We’re excited about the acquisition of Tyler Thomson,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “We scouted him during the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last season and liked what we saw. We initially were going to go after designated hitter Luciano Battaglini, but team management was scared off by the possible language barrier. We don’t have anybody that speaks Latin or Spanish or Brazilian or whatever language it is that he speaks. Inevitably, we settled on Thomson. He’ll do.”

Thomson has been penciled in to start in center field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Beer Goggles tonight in Minneapolis.

“I’m thrilled with the opportunity to show my stuff,” Thomson said. “Brooke Sawyer’s team [Yep] turned me down during the offseason and I haven’t forgotten about that. I’m going to show them they made a huge mistake. I know they balked at picking me up when I struggled on the Wonderlic test during the combine. I was tired that morning, man. I got home late the night before from a recruiting trip in Bangladesh and Myanmar. Those Bangladeshi chicks can play some mean tennis.”

Thomson joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Keiser, oft-injured grizzled veteran Kyle Coughlin, Division I softball veterans Andrea Smith and Alicia Jerome, team cancer Michael H. Lochrem, token short people Casey Kurtt and Emily Wood, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and up-and-coming rookie Tory Kukowski.

Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Dedicates Season to Shane Sandersfeld

Boom Goes the Dynamite, a second-year slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced that its 2006 Cities Sports Connection will be dedicated to the now-defunct and former left fielder “Sugar” Shane Sandersfeld. Boom Goes the Dynamite team president and manager Steve “Yuri” Geller, fresh off an appearance with the Israeli National Team at the World Baseball Classic, made the announcement during an online broadcast of Golden Gopher Baseball on gophersports.com.

“I would like to proclaim that the 2006 campaign will hereby be known as ‘The Sandersfeld Season’ or ‘The Season We Don’t Have to Witness Two Foul-Outs in the Same Game by Our Supposed Best Power Hitter,’” Geller said. “The first motto is catchy, but the second one is a little more accurate. We’re proud to dedicate this season to Shane even if his dedication to Boom Goes the Dynamite was as fickle as a dandelion puff in the wind.”

A native of Williamsburg, Iowa, Sandersfeld injured his neck in a freak bodysurfing accident in Cancun, Mexico earlier this year, placing him on the All-Time Worst Athletic Communications Sporting Moments Hall of Fame, just behind last season’s inductee: Iggy the Parakeet Attack after a Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Game.

“Shan is broken. He no play soffetball,” Bierman Field Athletic Building janitor and Boom Goes the Dynamite team physician Mahadi Abbou Sammad said from the Bierman unisex bathroom. “Shan neck no good. I see him hurt bad and say ‘You no hit ball no more.’ He understand.”

As part of the season dedication to Sandersfeld, team members will don patches bearing the smiling mug of the lanky left fielder. Boom Goes the Dynamite will also donate all of its earnings to The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).

Casey Kurtt Going-Away Extravaganza Set for Thursday, Aug. 18

University of Minnesota volleyball and soccer administrative assistant Casey Kurtt's Going-Away Extravaganza has been set for Thursday, Aug. 18, at Sally's Saloon and Eatery after work hours and continuing until who-knows-when.

"Some know her as Casey Miller. Some know her as Casey Kurtt. And most don't have a clue who the heck she is," head soccer coach Mikki Denney-Wright said. "Nevertheless, she's leaving the U, so why don't y'all come out and wish her good luck with cold beverages and greasy food?"

Casey Kurtt, formerly Casey Miller, is departing ICA for the greener pastures of student teaching at an elementary school in St. Louis Park, leaving newlywed husband and Athletic Communications staffer Kevin Kurtt with the frightening designation of "Sugar Daddy." Casey has worked with the Golden Gopher volleyball and soccer programs for nearly three years.

"We're sad to see Casey go, but frankly, she's just too short to be working with the volleyball team," volleyball head coach Mike Hebert said of the 5-1 1/4 Kurtt. "As she continues her work towards becoming an elementary school teacher, we're glad that she'll finally be seeing eye-to-eye with those with which she works."

"This has unquestionably been the greatest three years of my life," Kurtt said from a tear-inducing press conference at the Steak Knife. "While at the U, I met my husband, I led the volleyball team to two Final Fours and I kicked Kevin's butt in the Annual ICA Softball Game. What else do I have to accomplish?"

Kurtt's final day at ICA is August 18. Donations to the "First Couple of Bierman's Fund to Live on Kevin's Salary Alone" can be made in person in the Athletic Communications Office (cash and checks only).

Dynamite Softball: Coughlin Signed to 10-Day Contract; Sandersf*** to Sit Out in Protest

Longtime journeyman slow-pitch softball player Kyle Coughlin has signed a 10-day conditional contract with Boom Goes The Dynamite, an expansion franchise in the CSC Wednesday Night League. Left fielder and resident hothead Shane Sandersf*** is sitting out tonight’s game in protest of team owner Steve Geller’s decision to sign Coughlin, citing “philosophical differences with Coughlin and his ilk.”

“We’re going to give Coughlin one chance to prove he won’t be an egomaniacal cancer to Boom Goes The Dynamite,” Geller said from a sparsely-attended press conference at Kafé 421. “We’ve had reports from Coughlin’s colleagues that he’s vastly overrated, but our director of scouting Jeff Keiser says that Coughlin has turned a corner in his attitude and durability. ”

When asked about Sandersf***’s high-profile protest, Geller added, “Mr. Sandersf*** needs to remember who runs this team. This is my team and I decide who plays and who doesn’t. If Sandersf*** continues this protest, he’s going to find himself third on the depth chart behind Good Times (Chris Jensen) and the recently released Mike Lundberg. Perhaps Mr. Sandersf*** is threatened by Coughlin and his ego, attitude and aging athletic ability.”

“I’m protesting Mr. Geller’s signing of Coughlin as I don’t believe that journeyman belongs on this team,” Sandersf*** said in a statement released by his public relations firm, Weber Shandwick. “His heart and passion for the game is questionable, and he’s about as durable as Ben Utecht. Maybe Coughlin is blowing smoke up Geller’s a** right now with his likable attitude and team-player rhetoric, but I for one am not buying it. I’ll end my protest when Geller apologizes to me and the team or when Coughlin is released.”

Boom Goes The Dynamite takes on The Real Deal tonight at 7:10 p.m., at McRae Park. An assortment of Kyle Coughlin clippings is included below:

2004 Season rospectus on Kyle Coughlin (4/3/04)
Thinks he’s better than everyone • most injury-prone player in the league • wily veteran • has shown a lack of heart during preseason • looks to replace Kevin Kurtt at shortstop.

Coughlin Says, “I’m Better Than You.” (4/15/04)
On the morning of April 9, 2004, unproven commodity Kyle Coughlin confided in two members of I’m With Stupid that, “I’m the best player on this team. Put me in any position and I’ll shine. It doesn’t matter. I’m better than you.”

Coughlin, an oft-injured journeyman, made his bold and unprecedented statement to Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser and General Manager Kevin Kurtt in Keiser’s palatial office. Coughlin’s comment was not well received and brings into question the type of players IWS will need to deal with in the locker room in the upcoming season.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Keiser said. “The guy is injured more than Anna Kournikova...and he has about as good a winning record as her, too. We already know about [Shane] Sandersf***’s questionable attitude on and off the field. Now we have to juggle the ballooning ego of Coughlin. It’s disgusting.”

“Let me just say this, Coughlin,” Kurtt added. “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. Now just what’s the matter with you?”

When reached for further comment, Coughlin referred to his meaningless hitting and fielding stats from his meager career at Robbinsdale Armstrong High School.

Coughlin Mulling Retirement (4/24/04)
Wily veteran Kyle Coughlin, 33, is reportedly mulling retirement after sustaining an ankle injury during Stupid's 14-4 win over Bullwinkles. Coughlin has missed the better part of the last five seasons with a multitude of questionable mild injuries. Team president Chris Bergren is also reportedly upset with Coughlin's refusal to restructure his contract.

“Coughlin is just picking up the pay check and not showing up. We need to see more commitment from that geezer”.

“The guy is a f****** pussy,” Shane Sandersf*** said via videophone. “The guy can flat out play but he is gutless. You never see Gell-Gell Cool J [Steve Geller] sitting out with a stubbed toe or a bent fingernail like Coughlin. Geller is a gamer.”

When reached for comment, Coughlin openly gave credence to the rumors. “I’m always mulling retirement. I’ve been mulling for eight years now. I’m like Brett Favre, except...wait, yeah I am addicted to painkillers.”

Slow-Pitch Softball Franchise Boom Goes The Dynamite Gets Wood

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.

“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”

Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”

The Battle at Bolstad: Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational Set for May 13

Groom-to-be Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn./Edina HS/Univ. of Minnesota) is proud to announce the establishment of the 2005 Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational – dubbed The Battle at Bolstad – to be contested at the University of Minnesota Les Bolstad Golf Course in Falcon Heights, Minn., on Friday, May 13.

The Battle at Bolstad will feature 20 golfers from the families of Kurtt and bride-to-be Casey Miller, the Kurtt wedding party and the U of M Athletic Communications office.

“The Battle at Bolstad will clearly be the marquee event of the spring of 2005, not to mention the wedding weekend,” Kurtt said from a press conference at Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown. “True, several members of the playing field possess some questionable golf abilities. I’m talking to you Mike Lundberg, Jeff Leach, Steve Geller and Mike Maloney. Nevertheless, I expect the Battle at Bolstad to be a veritable cornucopia of mediocre golf on a mediocre course in celebration of what is sure to be a non-mediocre wedding.”

Tee times for the Battle at Bolstad will begin at 10 a.m., and continue every 10 minutes. Hole prizes will be awarded for longest drive, shortest drive, closest to hole, longest putt and more. Rates are $30 for general public and $25 for U of M students/staff. Carts are $26 (split between two players).

Playing Field for The 2005 Battle at Bolstad
Kevin Kurtt – Groom-to-Be
Jim Kurtt – Father of the Groom
Mike Miller – Father of the Bride
Chris Bergren – Co-Best Man
Mike Lundberg – Co-Best Man
Bill/Dave Hutton – Groomsman
Chris Read – Cousin of the Groom
Mike Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Tom Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Darren Utech – Uncle of the Bride
Mark Kearns – Uncle of the Bride
Marc Williams – Uncle of the Bride
Pat Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Jeff Keiser – Friend of Groom
Kyle Coughlin – Friend of Groom
Shane Sandersfeld – Friend of Groom
Steve Geller – Friend of Groom
Kyle Casey – Friend of Couple
Matt Kearns – Cousin of Bride

2005 Battle at Bolstad Motto
Sometimes I catch that three iron a little thin
and I've hooked my four iron
and hit flyers with the five
and shanked the six
and skulled the eight
and fatted the nine
and chili-dipped the wedge
and bladed the sand wedge
and then there's Mister Three-Putt.

Kurtt Opens First Olympiad with Comeback Victory in Bowling

Coughlin's late collapse opens the door for competitors; Geller, Romo upset in defeat

On the strength of a Media Relations record 186 in the final game, Kevin Kurtt claimed the gold medal in Bowling to open the first annual SID Olympics at Tuttles in Hopkins. Kurtt racked up 454 total pins over three games, enough for a 31-pin advantage over silver medalist Jeff Keiser. Kurtt, one of the favorites in the overall Olympic competition, trailed gritty veteran Kyle Coughlin by 17 pins entering the final game. Coughlin, still hampered from a foot injury suffered during a softball game, struggled in the final game, bowling a 111.

“I knew had their asses in the 100 and tennis but this is a surprise to me,” an elated Kurtt said. “I’m just upset that cycling isn’t event because I really wanted a chance to wear my tight U.S. Postal Service outfit around my co-workers.”

Keiser, who was ridiculed throughout the event for bowling with the power of an eight-year-old girl, consistently knocked down spares and gained the silver with a pin total of 413. Shane Sandersf*** posted the top score over the final two games to take the bronze with an overall score of 406. Coughlin ended with 396 pins while late entrant John Romo took fourth with 380 pins. “The lanes were a joke at this place,” Romo commented. “They were over oiled and my shoes sucked. I want a rematch. The vending machines also didn’t have Junior Mints, which obviously hampered my pre-bowl routine.”

Mike Lochrem finished fifth with 370 pins while Michelle Train (349) and Steve Geller (304) rounded out the scoring. Geller was unable to overcome a horrendous start that saw him toss five gutter balls en route to a 68 in the first game. “That guy needs bumpers on his lane,” Sandersf*** said.

Sandersf*** also raised questions regarding Kurtt’s recent pull-out of the “Race of the Decade” following bowling. Kurtt, who sustained a “pulled calf” in training for the 400-meter championship, showed no signs of injury in his gold-medal winning performance. “That guy is afraid of me. It’s just fear,” Sandersf*** said. “He needs to be a man. I can’t even walk up stairs without being out of breath and this clown won’t race me. Holler at your boy.”

The Olympics continue next week with basketball and weightlifting. Lochrem, Sandersf*** and Coughlin enter the basketball competition as the early betting-line favorites.

COMPLETE SCORING
Kevin Kurtt 135-133-186—454
Jeff Keiser 121-143-149—413
Shane Sandersf*** 110-142-154—406
Kyle Coughlin 109-176-111—396
John Romo 121-102-157—380
Mike Lochrem 116-108-146—370
Michelle Train 121-92-136—349
Steve Geller 68-119-117—304

OVERALL OLYMPIC SCORING
Kurtt – 1
Keiser – 2
Sandersf*** – 3
Coughlin – 4
Romo – 5
Lochrem – 6
Train – 7
Geller – 8

Kyle Coughlin Ends World Hunger, Cures Cancer

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that University of Minnesota Associate Media Relations Director Kyle Coughlin has ended world hunger and discovered a cure for all forms of cancer. Coughlin, 31, made the momentous breakthroughs shortly after finishing his Krispy Kreme doughnut today in Minneapolis, Minn.

“We are pleased to announce that Kyle Coughlin put a stop to world hunger today,” Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland, WHO Director-Chairman, said at a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland. “Mr. Coughlin has saved countless lives, especially in the worst-affected countries of Malawi, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Lesotho, Bangladesh and Swaziland. Without the work done by this relative unknown in the area of world hunger, as many as 780 million of the world's people would have lacked access to adequate food and nutrition.”

“This morning, Kyle Coughlin cured cancer,” Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC Director, announced today. “No more questions.”

The breakthroughs come at a time with many uncertainties at Coughlin’s workplace – University of Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletics Media Relations. Prior to his advances in hunger and cancer research, Coughlin was arguing that the football team allow him to travel to Columbus, Ohio for Minnesota’s nationally-televised game against Ohio State.

“Yeah, I thought it was necessary for me to travel with the team, given my wealth and breadth of experience in athletic media relations,” Coughlin said. “But now, with me curing cancer and ending world hunger, it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to go to Ohio anymore.”

Media staff members agree that Coughlin does not need to make the trip to Columbus.

“The guy’s a star in the medical research field,” Publications Coordinator Jeff Keiser said. “What the hell is he doing in media relations?”

“I honestly didn’t think he had the ability to end world hunger and put a stop to the horrors of cancer, but obviously I was wrong,” coworker Kevin Kurtt said. “I can only hope that Shane [Sandersf***] and I perform up to his level in Columbus this weekend.”

“Now that I got that cancer thing out of the way, I’m going to devote my time to finding the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,” Coughlin declared. “I’d also like to send a message to Osama bin Laden. I’m coming for you. Watch your back.”