2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Summer Season

2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Summer Season
Shane Sanderfeld Memorial MVP: Kevin Kurtt
Gaylord hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP: Kevin Noth
Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Katie Fornasiere
Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Steve Geller/Jeff Keiser
Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award: Lisa Hardy
Kyle Coughlin Interim Director Leadership Award: Kyle Coughlin
Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Kyle Coughlin
Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: Steve Geller/Kevin Kurtt/Kevin Noth
Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player: Katie Fornasiere/Kevin Noth
Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Steve Geller
Library Bary & Grill Rookie of the Year: Katie Fornasiere
Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: The Kurtts/Laura Kurtt
Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper
Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Tyler Thomson
M. Lochrem/Nick Joos Biggest Disappointment “Award”: M. Lochrem
Cy Young: Steve Geller
Gold Glove: Kevin Kurtt, Jeff Keiser, Alicia Jerome
Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year: Steve Geller/Tory Kukowski/Kevin Kurtt
Marvin Geller Lifetime Achivement Award: Kevin Kurtt

BOBBY Z’S KODAK MOMENTS OF THE YEAR:
Kevin Noth’s strikeout and game-winning walkoff hit in championship game vs. Yep
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep
Steve Geller playing with one good arm vs. Capella
Kevin Noth’s catch in right center vs. Dorsey Mayhem
Kevin Kurtt’s diving catch at shortstop to stab a line drive vs. Beer Goggles
Kevin Kurtt’s backhanders at shortstop
Casey Kurtt getting tagged out at home followed by a somersault vs. Capella
Casey Kurtt clinching the win vs. Capella by getting a batter interference call on a popup to catcher
Lisa Hardy taking on that idiot from Humpday Hackers when he couldn’t figure out where the three outs were written down.
Cooper mauling Koda following the title game vs. Yep
The 12 fans we had for a 27-7 three-inning win over The Indys
Steve Geller yelling “damn!” after hitting a single when he wanted to hit a home run vs. The Indys

THE STEAK KNIFE BLOOPERS OF THE YEAR:
Alicia Jerome’s two strikeouts vs. Capella
Alicia Jerome takes a ball in the face at third base vs. Capella
Kyle Coughlin sending Casey Kurtt home while the ball was in the infield vs. Capella
Any time Kevin Noth rounded a base
Steve Geller’s baserunning
Humpday Hacker right fielder arguing with Kyle/blowing the game by wiping out in the outfield
Kevin Noth’s strikeout in the championship game vs. Yep
Lisa Hardy getting called a “bitch” after game against Capella followed by Kyle Coughlin holding her back
Humpday Hackers complaining about Steve Geller’s chicken scratches in the scorebook
Kevin Kurtt’s backhanded throw to third vs. Yep
Any time Jeff Keiser let a ball go over his head or through his legs

Boom Goes the Dynamite Exorcises Demons, Wins Title for Geller and Sandersf***

“I don’t know what it is about that team…. They’re just…they’re just winners.” – Yep Outfielder

Boom Goes the Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, captured the 2006 Cities Sports Connection spring season championship on June 14, downing the Pot Belly Heroes 20-10 in the semifinals and the dynastic Yep 10-4 in the title game at the West Bank Softball Fields in Minneapolis.

With the championship, Boom completed its perfect season at 9-0 and overcame five years of softball futility to hang a banner in honor of the now-defunct former powerhitter Shane Sandersf*** and team president, manager and world traveler Steve Geller.

“We dedicated this season to Shane ‘Brokeneck’ Sandersf*** and always kept our mentor Steve ‘Coolies’ Geller in the back of our minds, but this title really goes out to all the Lundbergs, Potters, Moraleses, Leaches and Fridges that toiled in the infancy of this franchise,” charter franchise member and assistant to the traveling secretary Kevin Kurtt said. “Gone are the days of Mike Lundberg tripping over first base; or Qasar Nahasapeemapetilon rounding home; or Jeff Leach playing in boxers, his wife’s tank-top and dress socks; or Dave ‘Cheese’ Reidinger’s four straight whiffs; or Renee ‘The Fridge’ Holloway getting thrown out at first from left field; or getting attacked by escaped parakeets. LowEx, Gas and Stupid had their moments, but nothing will compare to the thrill of winning a championship with Boom Goes the Dynamite. Take that, Yellow Snow, McWalstein’s No-Talent Ass Clowns and Yep.”

For the season, Boom Softball outscored its opponents 153-64 for an average margin of victory of 9.89. Only two of its nine games went the regulation seven innings.

“I don’t know what it is about that team,” one of Yep’s outfielders actually said during the championship game. “They’re just…they’re just winners.”

“You better damn well believe we’re winners,” starting pitcher and seasoned journeyman Kyle Coughlin said. “I didn’t slide into a wooden home plate and rinse off my bloody leg in a kiddie pool just for fun. I didn’t go to the chiropractor every week just for my own health. I didn’t open up my jam-packed social calendar just for sh*ts and giggles. I signed up to win and that’s exactly what I did. Now I’ll probably mail it in and make up some injuries so I don’t have to play anymore. I got my ring. I owe this team nothing.”

“If you look at what this team went through to win the title, it’s really quite remarkable,” rookie outfielder and target of countless taunts from hecklers Kevin Noth said. “First, we lost Sandersf***, followed by team sparkplug Emily Wood to a wrist injury. Then, Geller bolted to play in a developmental league in Slovenia. That was a blow to our depth, but Coughlin stepped right in and kept his ERA under 2.00, ballooning his ego to unfathomable proportions. Next, Keiser made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history, resulting in his right elbow falling to the grass. Throw into the mix, Kurtt’s bloody leg, my bum ankle from a bizarre bike vs. squirrel accident, Michael H. Lochrem’s ill-conceived midseason retirement and Lisa Hardy’s refusal to run hard to first base, and the odds we stacked against us. But we pulled together and won, even with Cooper barking her head off, Tory Kukowski playing ‘through the wickets’ with numerous ground balls to the outfield and Jim and Beth Kurtt criticizing their son’s play every week.”

Boom Goes the Dynamite began the summer season last week with a forfeit win over Voodoo Posse. Tonight, Boom takes on Realty Executives (1-0) at 8:20 p.m., at Diamond #1 of the West Bank Softball Fields. Admission is free, but donations will be accepted for The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).

Following the season, Boom held its annual awards banquet in Geller’s office. A list of the team award winners is below.

2006 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards – Spring Season
Shane Sanderf*** Memorial MVP: Kevin “Bloody Leg” Kurtt
The Steak Knife Playoff MVP: “Big Swinging” Tory Kukowski
Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Andrea “The Attorney” Smith
Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Jeff “Elbow” Keiser
Lady Byng Leadership/Sportsmanship Award: Lisa “I Run Fast When I Want” Hardy
Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Lisa “Hit the Cut” Hardy/Kevin “Heckle Me” Noth
Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: “Messy” Steve Geller
The Blarney Most Improved Player: Lisa “My Mom’s Name is Pam” Hardy
Courtney Walerius Grit/Determination Award: Andrea “Dr. Dré” Smith
Library Bary & Grill Rookie of the Year: Alicia “The New Jerry” Jerome
Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Michelle “Gravy” Train
Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Cooper
Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Emily “The Chicken and the” Hennen
Nick Joos Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Michael “Lockjaw” Lochrem
Cy Young: Kyle “Wily Veteran” Coughlin
Gold Glove: “A Slice of” Kevin Kurtt/Andrea “Smitty” Smith/Kyle “Seamus” Coughlin
Isiah Thomas Executive of the Year: Steve “Helen” Geller

Yorde Does Golf Results, Coughlin Goes Golfing

Providing further evidence that Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) is blatantly mailing it in in his final days as interim director of the University of Minnesota Athletic Communications office, rookie student worker Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) is currently updating months-old golf results on gophersports.com, while Coughlin is out golfing. This development comes just days after Coughlin forced Associate Director of Athletic Communications Shane Sandersfeld (Williamsburg, Iowa) to handle men's golf results from the NCAA Championships in favor of getting drunk in Worthington, Minn.

"I'm just doing my job," Yorde said after singing the Michigan State fight song. "That's more than I can say for Mr. Coughlin. Then again, maybe his golf outing will yield some big things for this office. I'm sure there's a business-related reason for him to go golfing on a Monday. Why else would I be doing golf results that should have been on the website months ago?"

Coughlin left the office around 11:30 a.m., instructing Yorde to update golf results from the 2007 season without instructing Yorde on how to update golf results from the 2007 season. Allegedly, Coughlin did not educate Yorde on the process of updating the website because he has no idea how to do it himself.

"I'm not sure he knows what gophersports.com is," intern extraordinaire Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) said after training Yorde on the intricasies of the XOS-run website. "He's damn good at text messaging and IM'ing, but I don't think he has a clue about our website."

Reached at the fourth hole of Chaska Town Course, Coughlin brushed away any criticism on why a helpless student worker is spending her summer vacation making $4.75 an hour doing his job while he is enjoying a sunny day on the golf course. "I'm working on my power fade and my short game, not irrelevant golf results. What I'm really doing is preparing Kristine for a bright future in the athletic communications industry. She should be thanking me. F***, I'm in the trees again."

In addition to allegedly spurning his duties as Golden Gopher golf contact, Coughlin is also expected to miss Boom Goes the Dynamite's playoff opener tonight against Foul Balls, thanks to his 1 p.m., tee time. Team management is certainly not pleased with Coughlin's me-first attitude, and is exploring the language in Coughlin's contract in a possible effort to void the oft-injured infielder's deal with the two-time defending CSC Champions.

Worst Throw in Softball History to Result in Amputation of Keiser’s Arm

Boom Goes the Dynamite Assistant General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) will undergo a surgical procedure to amputate his right arm on Friday after the left fielder made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history last night in Boom’s 15-1 win over Lookin’ to Score. Attempting to make a throw to home plate, Keiser instead heaved the ball 15 feet over catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and into the ivy covering the backstop. Keiser’s right elbow promptly fell to the grass in left field, while shards of his ulnar nerve were spotted in the ivied backstop, precipitating tomorrow’s amputation.

“Jeff Keiser sustained a Class IV injury to his right elbow last night,” team physician and May Teammate of the Month Mahdi Abbou Sammad said. “My surgical team will work diligently to preserve Mr. Keiser’s quality of life, but he didn’t do himself any favors by making that horrendous throw. He no throw good and he now hurt bad. In related news, I’d like to announce that the amputation will be broadcast live on this week’s episode of Hello Mahdi!”

Keiser, an original member of the Boom Goes the Dynamite softball franchise, will be cared for at his Plymouth, Minn., home by all-star caregiver Joyce Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa). The mother of now-defunct Shane Sandersf***, a former power hitter and below-average outfielder, will see to all of Keiser’s daily needs, including bathing, feeding and defecating, clearing the way for Keiser’s wife to continue to train for the 47 marathons that she will be competing in this summer.

“It’s a shame that he’ll lose his arm, but he kinda deserves it if you ask me,” wily veteran Kyle “Turn Your Head And” Coughlin said. “I mean, did you see that god-awful throw? He allowed their only run to cross the plate. It’s embarrassing. I’m glad they’re cutting his arm off. Serves him right.”

Pick 'Em Corner Signs One-Year Deal

Shane Sandersfeld, Producer of "Pick 'Em Corner" has just locked into a one-year agreement with BW3 to bring back the popular sports show for it's second season.

Negotiations between Sandersfeld and BW3 were ongoing since last January when the show concluded its first season on Victory Sports One. The show was the highest-rated program on VSO, but rumors of its cancellation became rampant after Sandersfeld was unsure if he could bring back two of the prominent personalities, Jeff "The Cornerman" Keiser and "The Professor" Kevin Kurtt. Also adding to the chaos, was Sandersfeld's near death experience in Mexico where he was attempting to reach an agreement with ESPN Deportes to simulcast "Pick Em Corner" with the Spanish equivalent "El Gaucho Cornero Loco". That plan fell by the wayside, as did Sandersfeld, as his broken neck led to stagnating the negotiations with both VSO and ESPN Deportes.

Sandersfeld was forced to turn negotiations over to Executive Director Joyce Sandersfeld, who quickly scrapped the idea of taking the show to a more southern entity and cut off ties with ESPN Deportes after they requested that the show be moved to Don Pablo's and all talent involved with the show drink Corona or Dos Equis.

"I know Shane very desperately wanted to make this show work in both Minneapolis and Mexico," said Joyce Sandersfeld, "but the demands of ESPN Deportes, the Mexican government and Shane's unpaid medical bill matter down there have made dealings with the our friends to the south very uncomfortable.

"It is too bad because Shane was confident that three spinoff shows to "El Gaucho Cornero Loco," were a sure-thing."

The first was a game show called "Hello Mati!!!" hosted by "The Professor," where a foreign janitor tries each week to make more friends than a random competitor. The second was called "Keepin' Cool With Coolies" where Steve Geller follows spring-breakers to local hot spots in Mexico and shows the viewer what they are missing. The show is sponsored by Cool Ranch Doritos and Geller must say "Stay Cool" 30 times per half-hour episode. The third show, "Gettin' Paid," starred funnyman Bob Swoverland as host. Swoverland goes to different hoods in Minneapolis/St. Paul and hands out money to the people representing their 'hood with the worst jokes.

Shane resumed control of the negotiations in late April and everything seemed to be in place except for the finalizing of the talent.

"It was a difficult hurdle to get over because much like the "Friends" series, you have a lot of unknowns who become overnight superstars," Sandersfeld said. "I knew I needed to act quickly to lock up Kyle "Cool Breeze" Coughlin, and Steve "Stellar" Geller before another pilot tried to sign them and fortunately I was able to do that. The hardest part was getting "Cornerman" and "The Professor" to jump back on board. They have "other interests" that yours truly, Stellar and Breeze don't have to contend with. I had to be flexible and I want to thank BW3 and the committee for allowing them to appear on a minimum of five shows to fulfill their contract. That part of the deal would never have been allowed had I not been able to sign "The Veteran" Kevin Coughlin back for one more season. Much like Roger Clemens, "Veteran's" contract cost me a pretty penny, but the show isn't the same without the core."

As host, Sandersfeld agreed to 13 shows in the fall, an NFL Playoff Preview in December or January, a NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Special in March and a NFL Draft Preview Special in April. Sandersfeld also gave way to two "random" specials which may occur any time between August '06 through April '07, but he did not agree to a NCAA Women's Basketball Tourney Special sponsored by Oxygen in May.

Other concessions made by both sides include Sandersfeld allowing the show to be re-named "The Corner" as part of "Wings & Thangs Thursday" and despite BW3 not wanting to bring back secondary sponsors, Sandersfeld was able to get Stinky's Pub back for a second-straight year and he negotiated a sponsorship with Masterlock for each of the talent's pick of the week. Sandersfeld failed to negotiate a deal allowing the talent to pick their waitress. He also would not disclose who may be make "special guest appearances" in 2006-07.

In a separate deal, Sandersfeld also negotiated a food sponsorship with BW3 thru 2008 to be the primary commercial vendor for the very popular "KC's Draft Party!!

Boom Goes The Dynamite Softball Signs Tyler Thomson to Amateur Tryout Contract

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) to an amateur tryout contract. Thomson, a 35-year-old power hitter and MVP of the 2005 Rodents vs. Chipmunks inter-office softball game, agreed to terms with team president and manager Steve “Peanut Butter and” Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We’re excited about the acquisition of Tyler Thomson,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “We scouted him during the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last season and liked what we saw. We initially were going to go after designated hitter Luciano Battaglini, but team management was scared off by the possible language barrier. We don’t have anybody that speaks Latin or Spanish or Brazilian or whatever language it is that he speaks. Inevitably, we settled on Thomson. He’ll do.”

Thomson has been penciled in to start in center field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Beer Goggles tonight in Minneapolis.

“I’m thrilled with the opportunity to show my stuff,” Thomson said. “Brooke Sawyer’s team [Yep] turned me down during the offseason and I haven’t forgotten about that. I’m going to show them they made a huge mistake. I know they balked at picking me up when I struggled on the Wonderlic test during the combine. I was tired that morning, man. I got home late the night before from a recruiting trip in Bangladesh and Myanmar. Those Bangladeshi chicks can play some mean tennis.”

Thomson joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Keiser, oft-injured grizzled veteran Kyle Coughlin, Division I softball veterans Andrea Smith and Alicia Jerome, team cancer Michael H. Lochrem, token short people Casey Kurtt and Emily Wood, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and up-and-coming rookie Tory Kukowski.

Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Dedicates Season to Shane Sandersfeld

Boom Goes the Dynamite, a second-year slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced that its 2006 Cities Sports Connection will be dedicated to the now-defunct and former left fielder “Sugar” Shane Sandersfeld. Boom Goes the Dynamite team president and manager Steve “Yuri” Geller, fresh off an appearance with the Israeli National Team at the World Baseball Classic, made the announcement during an online broadcast of Golden Gopher Baseball on gophersports.com.

“I would like to proclaim that the 2006 campaign will hereby be known as ‘The Sandersfeld Season’ or ‘The Season We Don’t Have to Witness Two Foul-Outs in the Same Game by Our Supposed Best Power Hitter,’” Geller said. “The first motto is catchy, but the second one is a little more accurate. We’re proud to dedicate this season to Shane even if his dedication to Boom Goes the Dynamite was as fickle as a dandelion puff in the wind.”

A native of Williamsburg, Iowa, Sandersfeld injured his neck in a freak bodysurfing accident in Cancun, Mexico earlier this year, placing him on the All-Time Worst Athletic Communications Sporting Moments Hall of Fame, just behind last season’s inductee: Iggy the Parakeet Attack after a Boom Goes the Dynamite Softball Game.

“Shan is broken. He no play soffetball,” Bierman Field Athletic Building janitor and Boom Goes the Dynamite team physician Mahadi Abbou Sammad said from the Bierman unisex bathroom. “Shan neck no good. I see him hurt bad and say ‘You no hit ball no more.’ He understand.”

As part of the season dedication to Sandersfeld, team members will don patches bearing the smiling mug of the lanky left fielder. Boom Goes the Dynamite will also donate all of its earnings to The Fund to Keep Athletic Communication Staff Members Out of Bodies of Water (TFKACSMOBW).