Boom Goes the Dynamite got off the proverbial schneid last night at the U of M West Bank Softball Fields, edging wonderfully-named Cobra Kai Dojo 9-8 to post its first win of the CSC Summer Season. Along the way, shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) took a ball to the face, outfielders Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) and Peyton Owens III (Richmond, Va.) collided in center field, delicate outfielder/third baseman Jeff Keiser (Avon Ct.) skinned his knee and bald outfielder Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) had his ego bruised after his team-leading third strikeout of the season, resulting in the most injury-filled contest since the 2003 campaign.
Boom (1-2) led for the majority of the evening, pulling away in the fifth and sixth innings, and used staunch defense from all over the field to snap a team-record three-game losing streak. The game was overshadowed, however, by the abundance of boo-boos, beginning with Noth's ego bruise in the second inning.
"Noth is going to have to hop on that bike of his
and ride to the batting cages," aging slugger Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) said. "He struck out looking, for crying out loud. Looking! In slow-pitch softball! You're damn right I told Tory to aim for Noth when he actually got on the basepaths later in the game. Tory's liner just missed Noth, but mission accomplished. Noth learned his lesson."
Noth has now notched four strikeouts since the end of the 2006 season, most notably his K-by-whiff in the 2006 Summer Season Championship Game vs. then-archrival Yep [archive photo above right]. Keiser, Boom's general manager, is now actively shopping the strikeout-prone, balding, craigslist cleats-wearing new father [photo of Keiser working the phones at left].
The injuries continued in the fourth inning when Kukowski and Owens III collided in center field attempting to catch a long fly ball. Reports varied, but it appeared that Owens III yelled out, "I got this bitch!" as the ball came off the bat. Apparently, Kukowski didn't hear Owens III, resulting in the soon-to-be-former intern and the U of M Director of Life Skills smacking into each other just as the ball hit Kukowski's glove.
First responders to the scene reported tending to a dazed Kukowski, not surprising considering Owens III's considerable bulk. Owens III, meanwhile, was as upset as he was after receiving poor customer service at the Dinkytown Subway last year.
"You don't come up into my right center field thinkin' you're going to catch my fly balls," Owens III said. "This is Peyton N. Owens III's right center field. Not Peyton N. Owens, Jr. Not Peyton N. Owens, Sr. I'm the Third, bitch. Ya heard?"
"I don't care what Peyton says.
This was my last game in a Boom uniform and I wasn't going to let some run-of-the-mill 10-day acquistion steal my thunder," a noticeably concussed Kukowski said after the game from The Corner Bar [photo at right]. "That was my ball. I guess I'm just used to having little miss lackadaisacal Meghan Potter in right center. She evidently hates to run, so she lets me go after everything.
"Peyton was a different story, but I wasn't going to back down just because he out-weighs me by 35 pounds. Yeah, I took a beat-down out there and I'm risking him busting up my cubicle like he did that Subway, but I don't give a damn. I'm out of this bitch in a week."
Two innings later, it was Boom's overconfident, well-fielding, poor-hitting shortstop, Kurtt, that felt the wrath of the softball. With runners on first and third with one out, a Cobra Kai Dojo player hit a grounder up the middle. Kurtt tracked to the ball to his left and put his glove down before the ball took a laws-of-physics-defying bounce straight up into the expecting father's cheekbone. Katie Fornasiere (Maple Grove, Minn.), the part-time infielder, full-time daughter of famous Minnesota assistant head coach Rob Fornasiere, picked up the ball for Kurtt as Cobra Kai Dojo players rounded the bases in utter disregard for the injured shortstop.
"This is the second time this summer my exceptionally attractive face has been hit with a softball," Kurtt said while icing his cheekbone with a bag of frozen corn. "First it was my wife (Casey) throwing a ball at me while I was looking away just because I said she was going to look like Kirby Puckett in a few months. And then this [photo of Kurtt assessing the damage at left]. What did I do to deserve this?"
"I'll tell you what he did to deserve a softball to the face," a still surprisingly calm and cool-headed Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) said. "It's karma. How many blog entries has he written that offer the least bit of criticism of him or his play on the softball field? Not a one. It's finally caught up to him. Kurtt, meet ball. Ball, meet Kurtt's face. Karma can be a bastard sometimes."
The final injury of the night came when Keiser went down to a knee to field a ground ball at third base. The razor-sharp infield dirt sliced open the general manager's knee, resulting in a predictably bad throw to Hardy at first base.
"It wasn't the least bit surprising that Keiser whined like a bitch when he saw blood on his knee," Geller said. "It was the usual 'This is worst cut EVER' stuff that we all just ignore now. But I'll give Keiser credit. At least he made an effort to make a play at third base. We yanked (starting third baseman Alicia) Jerome after she did three impressions of a bullfighter by letting grounders get by her. On her last ground ball, I swear I heard her yell 'Olé!' We knew then we had to make the switch to Keiser. What I can't understand, though, is how Keiser can somehow make a nice play on a hard-hit grounder at third, but miss routine grounder after routine grounder in left field. Bizarre."
In other injury-related news, Geller and third base coach SS (Williamsburg, Iowa) were treated for heat exhaustion and dehydration after the game. Both Geller and Sandersf*** [photo of a heat exhausted Sandersf*** at right] opted to wear pants on the hottest day of the year. To complement his Delaware Basketball shirt, Geller went with black pants on a sunny day. Sandersf***, meanwhile, chose to wear dress pants, further distancing himself from his hey-day as one of CSC's most revered softball players.
After a one-week layoff for the All-Star break, Boom will continue its 2007 CSC Summer Season with a contest against Sugar (3-0) on Tuesday, July 10 at 7:20 p.m., at Diamond #1.
In completely unrelated news, incoming Director of Athletic Communications Garry Bowman (Ann Arbor, Mich.) has announced the retention of Peyton N. Owens III as "Director of Life Skills for Steve Geller and Shane Sandersf***." Owens III will be expected to make doctor and dentist appointments, recruit, retain and reward nutritionists, personal trainers, housekeepers and driving instructors, find girlfriends, and basically serve as life coach for life skills-deficient Geller and Sandersf....
Notes• Boom has out-scored its opponents 141-106 in 12 games in the 2007 season.
• Student worker Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) was Boom's latest 10-day acquisition. Yorde struck out swinging in her first at-bat, but went on to knock in two runs later in the contest. Yorde and Owens III are now eligible for the Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acqusition Award.
• Game umpire Brandon [last name redacted] all but doomed his chances at landing the Athletic Communications Assistant Creative Director position after making a sarcastic comment about Boom's first win following the game.
• Steve Geller added to his CSC all-sports record for nicknames last night when third base coach Shane Sandersf*** called the aging hurler "DJ Underground." Geller now owns 23 monikers, ahead of Sandersf***'s 14 and Kukowski's nine.
• Male Player of the Game: Tory Kukowski (Best performance of the season in his swan song game)
• Female Player of the Game: Katie Fornasiere (Look what I found! Twice!
• Goat of the Game: Alicia Jerome (Olé! Olé! Olé!)
• Fans in attendance: Michelle Train, Emily Wickstrom
• Fan standings: Emily Wickstrom (3 appearances), Michelle Train (2 apps.), Katie Fornasiere (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Koda
• Mascot standings: Koda (2 appearances)
and ride to the batting cages," aging slugger Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) said. "He struck out looking, for crying out loud. Looking! In slow-pitch softball! You're damn right I told Tory to aim for Noth when he actually got on the basepaths later in the game. Tory's liner just missed Noth, but mission accomplished. Noth learned his lesson."
Noth has now notched four strikeouts since the end of the 2006 season, most notably his K-by-whiff in the 2006 Summer Season Championship Game vs. then-archrival Yep [archive photo above right]. Keiser, Boom's general manager, is now actively shopping the strikeout-prone, balding, craigslist cleats-wearing new father [photo of Keiser working the phones at left].
This was my last game in a Boom uniform and I wasn't going to let some run-of-the-mill 10-day acquistion steal my thunder," a noticeably concussed Kukowski said after the game from The Corner Bar [photo at right]. "That was my ball. I guess I'm just used to having little miss lackadaisacal Meghan Potter in right center. She evidently hates to run, so she lets me go after everything.
"This is the second time this summer my exceptionally attractive face has been hit with a softball," Kurtt said while icing his cheekbone with a bag of frozen corn. "First it was my wife (Casey) throwing a ball at me while I was looking away just because I said she was going to look like Kirby Puckett in a few months. And then this [photo of Kurtt assessing the damage at left]. What did I do to deserve this?"
