The United States of America put its 231st birthday party on hold yesterday (July 4) in favor of celebrating the 65th birthday of longtime public servant Jim Backlin (Frederick, Md.). Department of the Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne announced that the America's 2007 Independence Day Parade and A Capitol Fourth - 2007 Concert was put on hold in favor of honoring Backlin, the Vice President of Legislative Affairs for the Christian Coalition.
"Let's face it, Mr. Backlin has been getting the shaft for 64 years," Kempthorne said. "Until now, that is. We've been celebrating American independence for 230 years now and, frankly, it's getting boring. Parades, fireworks and picnics have run their course. It's time we finally recognize and commemorate the birth of the most conservative Republican ever to walk the face of the Earth. Mr. Backlin, this is your birthday. America, we'll throw you your lame party some other time."
In recognition of Backlin's birthday, the U.S. Government also announced that it would be immediately adopting every single one of Backlin's views on the hot-button issues in today's American political landscape.
"From same-sex marriage, to stem cell research, to tax cuts, to prayer in schools, to the confirmation of conservative judges, to you-name-it, we're letting Mr. Backlin decide which direction the U.S. takes on all the major issues," Vice President Dick Cheney said. "Consider this Mr. Backlin's birthday present from the government. I'm not sure how we convinced the bleeding heart liberals in Congress to go along with this, but they're on board. I'm guessing Mr. Backlin has a stash of photos on each and every one of them in compromising situations. You know Jim and his camera."
Backlin's relatives are also joining the celebration for the native of Minneapolis, Minn. As part of the agreement to overlook the nation's birthday in favor of honoring the former chief of staff for Rep. Roscoe G. Bartlett (R-Md.), Backlin's relatives agreed to allow Backlin to force them to pose for as many pictures he wants to take in the next calendar year.
"Uncle Jim has been fighting for his due recognition on July 4 for some time now," Backlin's nephew Chris Read (Sacramento, Calif.) said. "The least we can do for his birthday is to let him take our picture. It's going to be tough pretending to enjoy having my picture taken with some West Point graduate nobody has ever heard of or smiling in front of some restaurant we just ate at, but I'll do it for my favorite uncle."
In addition to promising to endure what will surely be countless wasted hours of getting their picture taken in the next year, Backlin's relatives agreed to Scotch tape various bumperstickers of Backlin-approved presidential candidates to the rear of their cars until the 2008 elections.
"I'll let him take my picture. I'll even slap Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Duncan Hunter stickers on my Volkswagen," Backlin's niece Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) said. "But I'll only do these things if Uncle Jim promises to stop trying to set me up with every single man he knows between the ages of 18 and 40. I'm warning you, Jim, if you play matchmaker one more time, I'm voting for Hillary (Rodham Clinton). Happy Birthday, by the way."
Other Backlin relatives will celebrate the former member of the Reagan Administration by offering various services that Backlin sorely needs. Nephew Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), for example, will help Backlin figure out how to use the portable DVD player Kurtt gave Backlin for Christmas last year.
"I'll do my best to explain to him the difference between the play, stop, rewind and fast forward buttons," Kurtt said. "I'll even help him learn how to work that DVD player he's never used that's been in his house for five years, but I'm only doing this if he stops complaining about how I made it into the Oval Office before him. Get over it, Jimbo."
Two of Backlin's siblings, Beth Kurtt (Mound, Minn.) and Charlie Backlin (Cherry Hill, N.J.), signed onto the Jim Backlin Birthday Celebration contract by agreeing to allow Backlin to stay in their respective homes whenever he wants.
"We're beginning to actually enjoy hosting Jim at our place every single Christmas," Beth said. "I'm not sure how much more C-SPAN, Drakkar Noir cologne and late-night movie-watching I can take, but I'm willing to sacrifice for my big brother's birthday. That being said, if he calls our dog (Maggie) 'poochie-woochie' in that annoying falsetto voice one more time, I might snap."
"Jim is always welcome in our home," Chuck said. "He's welcome to eat all our food, leave newspapers and dishes laying all over the place, and waste hours upon hours showing us pictures of some young conservative man or woman he swears is going to be president some day."
In order to adequately fund the Jim Backlin Birthday Celebration Extravaganza, Congress announced that taxes will be increased on American workers and businesses, heterosexual marriages and the Christian Coalition.
Happy Birthday, Jim!!!
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