Daughter's Last Name Thoroughly Confusing Mike and Mary Miller

Michael and Mary Miller of Lakeland, Minn., have announced that their third-eldest daughter, Molly, has been eliminated from contending for Most Favored Daughter (MFD) status (link) as her parents are thoroughly confused by her last name of Casey. According to sources close to the couple, the Millers routinely mix up Molly Casey with their second-eldest daughter, Casey Kurtt.

"It all started at the bridal shop in the months leading up to Molly's wedding," Mary said. "The bridesmaids would show up to get fitted for their dresses. The ladies at the shop would ask for the last names of the bride and groom. Well, you had Molly Miller and you had Kyle Casey, so the file would be labeled 'Miller, Casey.' Well, that's my second-oldest daughter's maiden name and she got her dresses at the same shop for her wedding in 2005. It's no wonder half of the girls in Molly's wedding were dressed in purple while the others were in that champagne color."

The confusion over Molly's relatively new last name has resulted in countless incidences of befuddlement in the Miller household when calling daughters No. 2 and 3.

"Let's see if I can explain this," Mike said. "Before I even make the call, I have Mary verify which kid I'm calling. But we don't refer to them by their first names. If I say I'm going to call Casey, who am I going to call? It could be either one. So now we use code words to refer to the appropriate daughter. If I'm calling Casey Kurtt, we say 'the short one.' If I'm calling Molly Casey, we say 'the one with the huge-ass house."

"The confusion doesn't end there, though," Mike added. "If I call the one with the huge-ass house, they answer the phone by saying 'The Caseys' and I'm right back to being utterly and completely bewildered."

Since Molly's wedding on Nov. 4, 2006, the Millers have mixed up two of their daughters in numerous phone and in-person conversations. Neighbor Bob Keller has seen the effects of the confusing name situation on his longtime friend Mike.

"Out of 10 calls, I'd say there are six that Mike simply does not know who he's talking to," Keller said. "He can't figure out Molly's last name is Casey's first and Casey's first name is Molly's last. Add to that the fact that both of the husbands have two first names (Kyle Casey and Kevin Kurtt), and Mike's about ready to check into the Alzheimer's wing of North Memorial."

Regarding Molly's elimination from consideration for MFD status, the Millers were unapologetic.

"Molly just made too many poor choices," Mary said. "First, she marries a guy with the name Casey. Why couldn't she marry someone with a different Irish name like McDuff or something? Or maybe a good Italian name from my family's lineage as Marconis (link)? Then Molly goes ahead and gets pregnant with a due date within three or four weeks of Casey's. We were confused enough before she got knocked up. Finally, we found out that they're considering naming their kid Jesse. As if we weren't confused enough, they're thinking about using the name of our youngest daughter. As you can see, we really had no choice but to throw her out of the MFD competition."

Molly's elimination for MFD status follows eldest daughter Maggie Miller's elimination in the wake of her indictment as a major player in the alleged Michael Vick dogfighting operation (link). With Maggie and Molly out of the running for MFD, the race comes down to Chanhassen residents Casey Kurtt and Jesse Miller.

Where Do Babies Come From?

There's the ongoing debate in the sex ed world about teaching kids abstinence vs. safe sex. That debate is now settled by showing kids the above video, resulting in today's youth being appropriately terrified of sex like we were.

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Boom Goes the Dynamite Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with more members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of Simpsons characters. Our next installment: The 2007 edition of the Boom Goes the Dynamite slow-pitch softball team (including a sampling of fans and 10-day acquistions). Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

Assistant Tennis Coach Keeps Calling People "You Bitch"

University of Minnesota assistant men's tennis coach Urban Ljubic (Ljubljana, Slovenia) has found himself embroiled in a controversy stemming from complaints that the third-year member of the Golden Gopher staff has been calling people "you bitch." Numerous members of the U of M Intercollegiate Athletics Department, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) Northern Section and prospective student-athletes have reported that, for some reason, Ljubic chooses to use the insult immediately upon introducing himself.

Since joining the Golden Gophers prior to the 2006-07 season, Ljubic has managed to alienate several members of the athletic department with his abusive language.

"Urban has been here since last fall and he hasn't stopped saying 'you bitch' to me," U of M head women's tennis coach Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) said. "I think he's a sociopath."

"From what I hear, Urban is a great tennis coach and a better person, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the disrespecful speech," Baseline Tennis Center director John Pratt said. "Maybe it's part of the Slovenian culture or something to say 'you bitch' to people upon meeting them. Maybe it's the language barrier. I don't know. What I do know is I didn't have to endure this abuse when Luciano (Battaglini of Brazil) came to the U."

According to complaints received by Mr. Heavyfoot, Ljubic's hurtful language has spread beyond the walls of the Bierman Field Athletic Building. The greater tennis community has also felt the wrath of the former University of Denver tennis standout's disparaging introductions.

"I don't know what his problem is," USTA Northern official Tim Kurtt (St. Paul, Minn.) said. "I introduced myself to him shortly before the Big Ten Championship this past April and he called me 'you bitch.' As a tournament referee for a lot of events, I've been called a lot of things in the heat of the moment, but this was during what I thought was a friendly introduction. Listen, Urban. I was a linesman at Wimbledon this year. No one calls me a bitch."

Tennis recruiting services have reported that Ljubic's inflammatory introductions are negatively impacting head coach Geoff Young's success in landing prospective Division I tennis players. As recruiting is one of Ljubic's primary duties as an assistant coach, student-athletes in the U.S. and beyond are constantly having to deal with his derisive talk.

"Geoff and Urban have been recruiting me for some time now," an anonymous high school tennis player said. "Urban is usually the one to call me. I answer the phone and it's always 'Hi. It's Urban, you bitch.' I never even get his last name. I have no idea why I still have Minnesota on my short list."

Rumors indicate that when pronounced in his native Slovenian language, Ljubic's name sounds like the phrase 'you bitch.' Those rumors remain unconfirmed.

When reached for comment at his home by Mr. Heavyfoot reporters, Ljubic introduced himself by saying, "Nice to meet you. My name is Urban, you bitch."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Kurtt Family Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with more members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of Simpsons characters. Our next installment: The Kurtt Family. Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Miller Family Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with more members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of Simpsons characters. Our fourth installment: The Miller Family (now with husbands and dogs!) - click the above photo for a hi-res version. Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Bob Swoverland Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with another member of the Heavyfoot community in the form of a Simpsons character. Our next installment: U of M Printing Services guru Bob Swoverland. Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Sid Hartman Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with another member of the Heavyfoot community in the form of a Simpsons character. Our third character: Minneapolis Star Tribune dinosaur sports columnist Sid Hartman. Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Shane Sandersfeld Edition

The celebration of the opening of The Simpsons Movie continues with another member of the Heavyfoot community in the form of a Simpsons character. Our second character: soon-to-be-former member of the Athletic Communications staff Shane Sandersfeld (Williamsburg, Iowa). Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

If you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

The Heavyfoot Community in Simpsons Form, The Kevin Kurtt Edition

We here at Mr. Heavyfoot are relatively avid Simpsons fans, so what better way to celebrate this Friday's opening of The Simpsons Movie that by rendering various members of the Heavyfoot community in the form of a Simpsons character. Our first character: Boom Goes the Dynamite shortstop Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.). Stay tuned for the Simpsonized version of more friends of Mr. Heavyfoot throughout the week.

By the way, if you want to do this yourself, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com and click on the tab on the top of the page to "Create Your Simpsons Avatar."

How Not to Rope Swing

The title really speaks for itself for these videos.

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This Toddler Knows More About Hockey Than Doug Woog

We apologize for our extended absence. Mr. and Mrs. Heavyfoot took a much-needed trip up north as a last-hurrah vacation before Baby Heavyfoot arrives on or about November 4. Speaking of Baby Heavyfoot, the above video is a small preview of what our child will likely be like - just replace the Vancouver Canucks with the Golden Gopher hockey team.

Down Goes Grandma!

We've given you women falling and suffering whiplash, a young man getting nailed by a golf ball, and kids getting hit by exercise balls, basketballs and breakdancers. The logical progression of this is the above video of a sweet old lady getting knocked out by a soccer ball, courtesy of the foot of one Tony Donatelli.

Boom Rolls to 15-5 Win, Kevin Noth Still Can't Figure Out the Whole Baserunning Thing

Two-time CSC Champion Boom Goes the Dynamite exploded for a season-high 15 runs to roll to a five-inning, 15-5 rout of previously undefeated Sugar Tuesday night at the U of M West Bank Fields in Minneapolis. Boom's offensive prowess led the slow-pitch softball franchise back to the .500 mark at 2-2, while Sugar fell to 3-1 for the summer season.

After an embarrassing game-opening pop-up from defending team MVP Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), Boom's bats caught fire as powerhitters and slappers alike got into the action to claim the squad's first 10-run win since a 24-11 rout of Foul Balls on June 4. Even the good-natured, light-hitting and gullible Kristine Yorde (Plymouth, Minn.) got into the action, going 2-for-3 to nab the Corner Bar Co-Player of the Week honors.

"I was pretty good out there, huh?" Yorde (pictured at left) said. "I think it was all because Katie (Fornasiere) wasn't at the game. She kinda frightens me. I mean, she's nice and all, but I think she uses her last name to intimidate people. She's always saying, 'Do you know who my dad is?' Well, I don't know who he is, but regardless, it was nice not having Katie making sure I do everything the way she does it. I'm my own person. Aren't I?"

Aging slugger Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) continued his exceptional hitting in the summer season to the point where the Corner Bar Co-Player of the Week maimed Sugar's third baseman with a Vintage Geller line drive down the third baseline. The injury came just moments after Geller, as third-base coach, was witnessed talking to the female third baseman, leading some to believe that the cool-headed Geller was goaded into hitting the liner at the young woman.

"Geller claims that he was just chatting with her and making her feel at ease at the hot corner," wily journeyman pitcher Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) said. "But I think she said something to Steve that made him snap into a fit of rage. I mean, Coolies was furious as he walked to the batter's box. I'm not sure, but I think that chick was an anti-Semite."

Geller's liner nearly took the third basewoman's right hand clear off, but she stayed in the game, cursing Geller (pictured at right) under her breath. Predictably, with tears streaming down the third basewoman's face, Kurtt hit a strong ground ball down the third baseline in the next at-bat.

The strong hitting from throughout the lineup was marred by yet another baserunning gaffe by league strikeout leader Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.). Following a bases-clearing triple to the left field fence, Noth astonishingly ran towards home after an over-thrown ball, only to see Sugar throw out the bicycle-riding, bad sliding first baseman at third base.

"I've never seen a player go from looking so good to so bad in such a short period of time," former college softball standout and future football secretary Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) said. "Here's Noth in a nutshell. He crushes the ball and over-runs third base. He strikes out in one at-bat and hits line drives in the rest. He revels in helping out the team in whatever wa he can and forgets the difference between the stop and go signs. He buys cleats and yet somehow still manages to fall on his ass and/or face. It's uncanny. He's like a walking oxymoron."

Noth now leads the team in strikeouts (three) and baseruning/base coaching gaffes (three).

In other news, University of Minnesota's Assistant Director of Athletic Compliance Jay Larson was in attendance to look into recent allegations of game fixing by several members of Boom Goes the Dynamite (link).

Boom continues its run to the playoffs next week with a game against Team Neil (1-3) on Tuesday, July 17, at 6:05 p.m., at Diamond #2 of the West Bank Fields.

Notes
• Boom has out-scored its opponents 156-111 in 13 games in the 2007 season.
• Maggie, a Goldy's Gang Mascot of the Year candidate, nearly made everyone throw up when sighted trying to eat a dead bunny behind the Boom bench. Maggie's owner Beth Kurtt was later cited for gross negligence as a pet owner. The other Mascot of the Year candidate in attendance, Cooper, was surprisingly quiet for the majority of the night.
• Prior to the game, a moment of silence was observed for Tory Kukowski, Boom's former left center fielder and current member of the probation-saddled University of Oklahoma athletic department. No mention or recognition was made of superfan wannabe Emily Wickstrom, now a member of the University of Illinois athletic department.
• The outfields at the U of M West Bank fields continue to rank at 16 on the CSC Stimpmeter
• Corner Bar Male Player of the Game: Steve Geller (must be the pink bat)
• Corner Bar Female Player of the Game: Kristine Yorde (second straight game of playing above her means)
• Goat of the Game: Matt Schroeder (he can blame the conditions of the field all he wants, but ground ball in the outfield is a ground ball)
• Fans in attendance: Beth Kurtt, Casey Kurtt, Laura Kurtt, Jay Larson, Michelle Train
• Fan standings: Michelle Train (3 appearances), Emily Wickstrom (3 apps.), Katie Fornasiere (1 app.), Beth Kurtt (1 app.), Casey Kurtt (1 app.), Laura Kurtt (1 app.), Jay Larson (1 app.)
• Mascots in attendance: Cooper, Maggie
• Mascot standings: Koda (2 appearances), Cooper (1 app.), Maggie (1 app.)

Because You Can Never Have Enough Goran Ivanisevic, We Give You Two Goran Ivanisevic Videos

Or maybe it's Ivaninevic.


Tracy Morgan isn't the only person interested in impregnating somebody apparently.

Tracy Morgan Funnier When Drunk/High

We apologize for our recent lack of entries, but we've spent the better part of the last two days outside catching softballs for the U of M softball camp. It's a rough life, but someone has to catch erratic junior high pitchers who seem to enjoy bouncing softballs in the dirt and directly into your shin.

To make up for our relative absence, we bring you former SNL'er Tracy Morgan who is clearly a lot funnier when under the influence of some mind-altering substance. "Ladies! My Mercedes! I'm the oo-chow!"

Mr. Heavyfoot's Favorite Magician: The Amazing Jonathan

It's a slow news day in the Heavyfoot community (read: we're too lazy to write), so we bring you the magical comedic stylings of The Amazing Jonathan. Although he has his own show in Vegas, we're pretty sure most of you have not heard of him. As a bonus, in this first video, he's introduced by Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke!

America Takes Backseat to Jim Backlin Birthday Celebration

The United States of America put its 231st birthday party on hold yesterday (July 4) in favor of celebrating the 65th birthday of longtime public servant Jim Backlin (Frederick, Md.). Department of the Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne announced that the America's 2007 Independence Day Parade and A Capitol Fourth - 2007 Concert was put on hold in favor of honoring Backlin, the Vice President of Legislative Affairs for the Christian Coalition.

"Let's face it, Mr. Backlin has been getting the shaft for 64 years," Kempthorne said. "Until now, that is. We've been celebrating American independence for 230 years now and, frankly, it's getting boring. Parades, fireworks and picnics have run their course. It's time we finally recognize and commemorate the birth of the most conservative Republican ever to walk the face of the Earth. Mr. Backlin, this is your birthday. America, we'll throw you your lame party some other time."

In recognition of Backlin's birthday, the U.S. Government also announced that it would be immediately adopting every single one of Backlin's views on the hot-button issues in today's American political landscape.

"From same-sex marriage, to stem cell research, to tax cuts, to prayer in schools, to the confirmation of conservative judges, to you-name-it, we're letting Mr. Backlin decide which direction the U.S. takes on all the major issues," Vice President Dick Cheney said. "Consider this Mr. Backlin's birthday present from the government. I'm not sure how we convinced the bleeding heart liberals in Congress to go along with this, but they're on board. I'm guessing Mr. Backlin has a stash of photos on each and every one of them in compromising situations. You know Jim and his camera."

Backlin's relatives are also joining the celebration for the native of Minneapolis, Minn. As part of the agreement to overlook the nation's birthday in favor of honoring the former chief of staff for Rep. Roscoe G. Bartlett (R-Md.), Backlin's relatives agreed to allow Backlin to force them to pose for as many pictures he wants to take in the next calendar year.

"Uncle Jim has been fighting for his due recognition on July 4 for some time now," Backlin's nephew Chris Read (Sacramento, Calif.) said. "The least we can do for his birthday is to let him take our picture. It's going to be tough pretending to enjoy having my picture taken with some West Point graduate nobody has ever heard of or smiling in front of some restaurant we just ate at, but I'll do it for my favorite uncle."

In addition to promising to endure what will surely be countless wasted hours of getting their picture taken in the next year, Backlin's relatives agreed to Scotch tape various bumperstickers of Backlin-approved presidential candidates to the rear of their cars until the 2008 elections.

"I'll let him take my picture. I'll even slap Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Duncan Hunter stickers on my Volkswagen," Backlin's niece Laura Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) said. "But I'll only do these things if Uncle Jim promises to stop trying to set me up with every single man he knows between the ages of 18 and 40. I'm warning you, Jim, if you play matchmaker one more time, I'm voting for Hillary (Rodham Clinton). Happy Birthday, by the way."

Other Backlin relatives will celebrate the former member of the Reagan Administration by offering various services that Backlin sorely needs. Nephew Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.), for example, will help Backlin figure out how to use the portable DVD player Kurtt gave Backlin for Christmas last year.

"I'll do my best to explain to him the difference between the play, stop, rewind and fast forward buttons," Kurtt said. "I'll even help him learn how to work that DVD player he's never used that's been in his house for five years, but I'm only doing this if he stops complaining about how I made it into the Oval Office before him. Get over it, Jimbo."

Two of Backlin's siblings, Beth Kurtt (Mound, Minn.) and Charlie Backlin (Cherry Hill, N.J.), signed onto the Jim Backlin Birthday Celebration contract by agreeing to allow Backlin to stay in their respective homes whenever he wants.

"We're beginning to actually enjoy hosting Jim at our place every single Christmas," Beth said. "I'm not sure how much more C-SPAN, Drakkar Noir cologne and late-night movie-watching I can take, but I'm willing to sacrifice for my big brother's birthday. That being said, if he calls our dog (Maggie) 'poochie-woochie' in that annoying falsetto voice one more time, I might snap."

"Jim is always welcome in our home," Chuck said. "He's welcome to eat all our food, leave newspapers and dishes laying all over the place, and waste hours upon hours showing us pictures of some young conservative man or woman he swears is going to be president some day."

In order to adequately fund the Jim Backlin Birthday Celebration Extravaganza, Congress announced that taxes will be increased on American workers and businesses, heterosexual marriages and the Christian Coalition.

Happy Birthday, Jim!!!

A Pair of Disappearing Women

These classic videos really need no introduction.

Ping-Ping-Ping! Pow! Splash!

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Golf club, check. Golf balls, check. Dock on the lake with multiple poles, check. Friends watching nearby and filming, check. A recipe for injury-related hilarity.

There was just no way this was going to work out well. Wait for it...wait for it...

Maybe that's why it's called Ping.

Introducing Cooper, The Kinda Amazing Frisbee Dog

We've already received enough criticism about no new updates over the weekend. Well, pthhbbtt, it was 80 and sunny all weekend. Though occasionally lazy, we're all about enjoying the outdoors when the Minnesota weather allows. Enjoying such things as throwing frisbees with our dog, Cooper. Mr. Heavyfoot is proud to introduce Cooper, The Kinda Amazing Frisbee Dog.


More videos of Cooper, The Kinda Amazing Frisbee Dog, here.