Dynamite Softball: Coughlin Signed to 10-Day Contract; Sandersf*** to Sit Out in Protest

Longtime journeyman slow-pitch softball player Kyle Coughlin has signed a 10-day conditional contract with Boom Goes The Dynamite, an expansion franchise in the CSC Wednesday Night League. Left fielder and resident hothead Shane Sandersf*** is sitting out tonight’s game in protest of team owner Steve Geller’s decision to sign Coughlin, citing “philosophical differences with Coughlin and his ilk.”

“We’re going to give Coughlin one chance to prove he won’t be an egomaniacal cancer to Boom Goes The Dynamite,” Geller said from a sparsely-attended press conference at Kafé 421. “We’ve had reports from Coughlin’s colleagues that he’s vastly overrated, but our director of scouting Jeff Keiser says that Coughlin has turned a corner in his attitude and durability. ”

When asked about Sandersf***’s high-profile protest, Geller added, “Mr. Sandersf*** needs to remember who runs this team. This is my team and I decide who plays and who doesn’t. If Sandersf*** continues this protest, he’s going to find himself third on the depth chart behind Good Times (Chris Jensen) and the recently released Mike Lundberg. Perhaps Mr. Sandersf*** is threatened by Coughlin and his ego, attitude and aging athletic ability.”

“I’m protesting Mr. Geller’s signing of Coughlin as I don’t believe that journeyman belongs on this team,” Sandersf*** said in a statement released by his public relations firm, Weber Shandwick. “His heart and passion for the game is questionable, and he’s about as durable as Ben Utecht. Maybe Coughlin is blowing smoke up Geller’s a** right now with his likable attitude and team-player rhetoric, but I for one am not buying it. I’ll end my protest when Geller apologizes to me and the team or when Coughlin is released.”

Boom Goes The Dynamite takes on The Real Deal tonight at 7:10 p.m., at McRae Park. An assortment of Kyle Coughlin clippings is included below:

2004 Season rospectus on Kyle Coughlin (4/3/04)
Thinks he’s better than everyone • most injury-prone player in the league • wily veteran • has shown a lack of heart during preseason • looks to replace Kevin Kurtt at shortstop.

Coughlin Says, “I’m Better Than You.” (4/15/04)
On the morning of April 9, 2004, unproven commodity Kyle Coughlin confided in two members of I’m With Stupid that, “I’m the best player on this team. Put me in any position and I’ll shine. It doesn’t matter. I’m better than you.”

Coughlin, an oft-injured journeyman, made his bold and unprecedented statement to Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser and General Manager Kevin Kurtt in Keiser’s palatial office. Coughlin’s comment was not well received and brings into question the type of players IWS will need to deal with in the locker room in the upcoming season.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Keiser said. “The guy is injured more than Anna Kournikova...and he has about as good a winning record as her, too. We already know about [Shane] Sandersf***’s questionable attitude on and off the field. Now we have to juggle the ballooning ego of Coughlin. It’s disgusting.”

“Let me just say this, Coughlin,” Kurtt added. “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. Now just what’s the matter with you?”

When reached for further comment, Coughlin referred to his meaningless hitting and fielding stats from his meager career at Robbinsdale Armstrong High School.

Coughlin Mulling Retirement (4/24/04)
Wily veteran Kyle Coughlin, 33, is reportedly mulling retirement after sustaining an ankle injury during Stupid's 14-4 win over Bullwinkles. Coughlin has missed the better part of the last five seasons with a multitude of questionable mild injuries. Team president Chris Bergren is also reportedly upset with Coughlin's refusal to restructure his contract.

“Coughlin is just picking up the pay check and not showing up. We need to see more commitment from that geezer”.

“The guy is a f****** pussy,” Shane Sandersf*** said via videophone. “The guy can flat out play but he is gutless. You never see Gell-Gell Cool J [Steve Geller] sitting out with a stubbed toe or a bent fingernail like Coughlin. Geller is a gamer.”

When reached for comment, Coughlin openly gave credence to the rumors. “I’m always mulling retirement. I’ve been mulling for eight years now. I’m like Brett Favre, except...wait, yeah I am addicted to painkillers.”

Slow-Pitch Softball Franchise Boom Goes The Dynamite Gets Wood

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.

“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”

Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”

The Battle at Bolstad: Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational Set for May 13

Groom-to-be Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn./Edina HS/Univ. of Minnesota) is proud to announce the establishment of the 2005 Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational – dubbed The Battle at Bolstad – to be contested at the University of Minnesota Les Bolstad Golf Course in Falcon Heights, Minn., on Friday, May 13.

The Battle at Bolstad will feature 20 golfers from the families of Kurtt and bride-to-be Casey Miller, the Kurtt wedding party and the U of M Athletic Communications office.

“The Battle at Bolstad will clearly be the marquee event of the spring of 2005, not to mention the wedding weekend,” Kurtt said from a press conference at Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown. “True, several members of the playing field possess some questionable golf abilities. I’m talking to you Mike Lundberg, Jeff Leach, Steve Geller and Mike Maloney. Nevertheless, I expect the Battle at Bolstad to be a veritable cornucopia of mediocre golf on a mediocre course in celebration of what is sure to be a non-mediocre wedding.”

Tee times for the Battle at Bolstad will begin at 10 a.m., and continue every 10 minutes. Hole prizes will be awarded for longest drive, shortest drive, closest to hole, longest putt and more. Rates are $30 for general public and $25 for U of M students/staff. Carts are $26 (split between two players).

Playing Field for The 2005 Battle at Bolstad
Kevin Kurtt – Groom-to-Be
Jim Kurtt – Father of the Groom
Mike Miller – Father of the Bride
Chris Bergren – Co-Best Man
Mike Lundberg – Co-Best Man
Bill/Dave Hutton – Groomsman
Chris Read – Cousin of the Groom
Mike Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Tom Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Darren Utech – Uncle of the Bride
Mark Kearns – Uncle of the Bride
Marc Williams – Uncle of the Bride
Pat Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Jeff Keiser – Friend of Groom
Kyle Coughlin – Friend of Groom
Shane Sandersfeld – Friend of Groom
Steve Geller – Friend of Groom
Kyle Casey – Friend of Couple
Matt Kearns – Cousin of Bride

2005 Battle at Bolstad Motto
Sometimes I catch that three iron a little thin
and I've hooked my four iron
and hit flyers with the five
and shanked the six
and skulled the eight
and fatted the nine
and chili-dipped the wedge
and bladed the sand wedge
and then there's Mister Three-Putt.

Kurtt Opens First Olympiad with Comeback Victory in Bowling

Coughlin's late collapse opens the door for competitors; Geller, Romo upset in defeat

On the strength of a Media Relations record 186 in the final game, Kevin Kurtt claimed the gold medal in Bowling to open the first annual SID Olympics at Tuttles in Hopkins. Kurtt racked up 454 total pins over three games, enough for a 31-pin advantage over silver medalist Jeff Keiser. Kurtt, one of the favorites in the overall Olympic competition, trailed gritty veteran Kyle Coughlin by 17 pins entering the final game. Coughlin, still hampered from a foot injury suffered during a softball game, struggled in the final game, bowling a 111.

“I knew had their asses in the 100 and tennis but this is a surprise to me,” an elated Kurtt said. “I’m just upset that cycling isn’t event because I really wanted a chance to wear my tight U.S. Postal Service outfit around my co-workers.”

Keiser, who was ridiculed throughout the event for bowling with the power of an eight-year-old girl, consistently knocked down spares and gained the silver with a pin total of 413. Shane Sandersf*** posted the top score over the final two games to take the bronze with an overall score of 406. Coughlin ended with 396 pins while late entrant John Romo took fourth with 380 pins. “The lanes were a joke at this place,” Romo commented. “They were over oiled and my shoes sucked. I want a rematch. The vending machines also didn’t have Junior Mints, which obviously hampered my pre-bowl routine.”

Mike Lochrem finished fifth with 370 pins while Michelle Train (349) and Steve Geller (304) rounded out the scoring. Geller was unable to overcome a horrendous start that saw him toss five gutter balls en route to a 68 in the first game. “That guy needs bumpers on his lane,” Sandersf*** said.

Sandersf*** also raised questions regarding Kurtt’s recent pull-out of the “Race of the Decade” following bowling. Kurtt, who sustained a “pulled calf” in training for the 400-meter championship, showed no signs of injury in his gold-medal winning performance. “That guy is afraid of me. It’s just fear,” Sandersf*** said. “He needs to be a man. I can’t even walk up stairs without being out of breath and this clown won’t race me. Holler at your boy.”

The Olympics continue next week with basketball and weightlifting. Lochrem, Sandersf*** and Coughlin enter the basketball competition as the early betting-line favorites.

COMPLETE SCORING
Kevin Kurtt 135-133-186—454
Jeff Keiser 121-143-149—413
Shane Sandersf*** 110-142-154—406
Kyle Coughlin 109-176-111—396
John Romo 121-102-157—380
Mike Lochrem 116-108-146—370
Michelle Train 121-92-136—349
Steve Geller 68-119-117—304

OVERALL OLYMPIC SCORING
Kurtt – 1
Keiser – 2
Sandersf*** – 3
Coughlin – 4
Romo – 5
Lochrem – 6
Train – 7
Geller – 8

Kyle Coughlin Ends World Hunger, Cures Cancer

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that University of Minnesota Associate Media Relations Director Kyle Coughlin has ended world hunger and discovered a cure for all forms of cancer. Coughlin, 31, made the momentous breakthroughs shortly after finishing his Krispy Kreme doughnut today in Minneapolis, Minn.

“We are pleased to announce that Kyle Coughlin put a stop to world hunger today,” Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland, WHO Director-Chairman, said at a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland. “Mr. Coughlin has saved countless lives, especially in the worst-affected countries of Malawi, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Lesotho, Bangladesh and Swaziland. Without the work done by this relative unknown in the area of world hunger, as many as 780 million of the world's people would have lacked access to adequate food and nutrition.”

“This morning, Kyle Coughlin cured cancer,” Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC Director, announced today. “No more questions.”

The breakthroughs come at a time with many uncertainties at Coughlin’s workplace – University of Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletics Media Relations. Prior to his advances in hunger and cancer research, Coughlin was arguing that the football team allow him to travel to Columbus, Ohio for Minnesota’s nationally-televised game against Ohio State.

“Yeah, I thought it was necessary for me to travel with the team, given my wealth and breadth of experience in athletic media relations,” Coughlin said. “But now, with me curing cancer and ending world hunger, it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to go to Ohio anymore.”

Media staff members agree that Coughlin does not need to make the trip to Columbus.

“The guy’s a star in the medical research field,” Publications Coordinator Jeff Keiser said. “What the hell is he doing in media relations?”

“I honestly didn’t think he had the ability to end world hunger and put a stop to the horrors of cancer, but obviously I was wrong,” coworker Kevin Kurtt said. “I can only hope that Shane [Sandersf***] and I perform up to his level in Columbus this weekend.”

“Now that I got that cancer thing out of the way, I’m going to devote my time to finding the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,” Coughlin declared. “I’d also like to send a message to Osama bin Laden. I’m coming for you. Watch your back.”