Slow-Pitch Softball Franchise Boom Goes The Dynamite Gets Wood

Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.

“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”

Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.

“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”

Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.

“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”

The Battle at Bolstad: Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational Set for May 13

Groom-to-be Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn./Edina HS/Univ. of Minnesota) is proud to announce the establishment of the 2005 Kevin Kurtt/Casey Miller Wedding Golf Invitational – dubbed The Battle at Bolstad – to be contested at the University of Minnesota Les Bolstad Golf Course in Falcon Heights, Minn., on Friday, May 13.

The Battle at Bolstad will feature 20 golfers from the families of Kurtt and bride-to-be Casey Miller, the Kurtt wedding party and the U of M Athletic Communications office.

“The Battle at Bolstad will clearly be the marquee event of the spring of 2005, not to mention the wedding weekend,” Kurtt said from a press conference at Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown. “True, several members of the playing field possess some questionable golf abilities. I’m talking to you Mike Lundberg, Jeff Leach, Steve Geller and Mike Maloney. Nevertheless, I expect the Battle at Bolstad to be a veritable cornucopia of mediocre golf on a mediocre course in celebration of what is sure to be a non-mediocre wedding.”

Tee times for the Battle at Bolstad will begin at 10 a.m., and continue every 10 minutes. Hole prizes will be awarded for longest drive, shortest drive, closest to hole, longest putt and more. Rates are $30 for general public and $25 for U of M students/staff. Carts are $26 (split between two players).

Playing Field for The 2005 Battle at Bolstad
Kevin Kurtt – Groom-to-Be
Jim Kurtt – Father of the Groom
Mike Miller – Father of the Bride
Chris Bergren – Co-Best Man
Mike Lundberg – Co-Best Man
Bill/Dave Hutton – Groomsman
Chris Read – Cousin of the Groom
Mike Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Tom Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Darren Utech – Uncle of the Bride
Mark Kearns – Uncle of the Bride
Marc Williams – Uncle of the Bride
Pat Maloney – Uncle of the Bride
Jeff Keiser – Friend of Groom
Kyle Coughlin – Friend of Groom
Shane Sandersfeld – Friend of Groom
Steve Geller – Friend of Groom
Kyle Casey – Friend of Couple
Matt Kearns – Cousin of Bride

2005 Battle at Bolstad Motto
Sometimes I catch that three iron a little thin
and I've hooked my four iron
and hit flyers with the five
and shanked the six
and skulled the eight
and fatted the nine
and chili-dipped the wedge
and bladed the sand wedge
and then there's Mister Three-Putt.

Kurtt Opens First Olympiad with Comeback Victory in Bowling

Coughlin's late collapse opens the door for competitors; Geller, Romo upset in defeat

On the strength of a Media Relations record 186 in the final game, Kevin Kurtt claimed the gold medal in Bowling to open the first annual SID Olympics at Tuttles in Hopkins. Kurtt racked up 454 total pins over three games, enough for a 31-pin advantage over silver medalist Jeff Keiser. Kurtt, one of the favorites in the overall Olympic competition, trailed gritty veteran Kyle Coughlin by 17 pins entering the final game. Coughlin, still hampered from a foot injury suffered during a softball game, struggled in the final game, bowling a 111.

“I knew had their asses in the 100 and tennis but this is a surprise to me,” an elated Kurtt said. “I’m just upset that cycling isn’t event because I really wanted a chance to wear my tight U.S. Postal Service outfit around my co-workers.”

Keiser, who was ridiculed throughout the event for bowling with the power of an eight-year-old girl, consistently knocked down spares and gained the silver with a pin total of 413. Shane Sandersf*** posted the top score over the final two games to take the bronze with an overall score of 406. Coughlin ended with 396 pins while late entrant John Romo took fourth with 380 pins. “The lanes were a joke at this place,” Romo commented. “They were over oiled and my shoes sucked. I want a rematch. The vending machines also didn’t have Junior Mints, which obviously hampered my pre-bowl routine.”

Mike Lochrem finished fifth with 370 pins while Michelle Train (349) and Steve Geller (304) rounded out the scoring. Geller was unable to overcome a horrendous start that saw him toss five gutter balls en route to a 68 in the first game. “That guy needs bumpers on his lane,” Sandersf*** said.

Sandersf*** also raised questions regarding Kurtt’s recent pull-out of the “Race of the Decade” following bowling. Kurtt, who sustained a “pulled calf” in training for the 400-meter championship, showed no signs of injury in his gold-medal winning performance. “That guy is afraid of me. It’s just fear,” Sandersf*** said. “He needs to be a man. I can’t even walk up stairs without being out of breath and this clown won’t race me. Holler at your boy.”

The Olympics continue next week with basketball and weightlifting. Lochrem, Sandersf*** and Coughlin enter the basketball competition as the early betting-line favorites.

COMPLETE SCORING
Kevin Kurtt 135-133-186—454
Jeff Keiser 121-143-149—413
Shane Sandersf*** 110-142-154—406
Kyle Coughlin 109-176-111—396
John Romo 121-102-157—380
Mike Lochrem 116-108-146—370
Michelle Train 121-92-136—349
Steve Geller 68-119-117—304

OVERALL OLYMPIC SCORING
Kurtt – 1
Keiser – 2
Sandersf*** – 3
Coughlin – 4
Romo – 5
Lochrem – 6
Train – 7
Geller – 8

Kyle Coughlin Ends World Hunger, Cures Cancer

The World Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that University of Minnesota Associate Media Relations Director Kyle Coughlin has ended world hunger and discovered a cure for all forms of cancer. Coughlin, 31, made the momentous breakthroughs shortly after finishing his Krispy Kreme doughnut today in Minneapolis, Minn.

“We are pleased to announce that Kyle Coughlin put a stop to world hunger today,” Dr. Gro Harlem Brundtland, WHO Director-Chairman, said at a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland. “Mr. Coughlin has saved countless lives, especially in the worst-affected countries of Malawi, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Lesotho, Bangladesh and Swaziland. Without the work done by this relative unknown in the area of world hunger, as many as 780 million of the world's people would have lacked access to adequate food and nutrition.”

“This morning, Kyle Coughlin cured cancer,” Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC Director, announced today. “No more questions.”

The breakthroughs come at a time with many uncertainties at Coughlin’s workplace – University of Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletics Media Relations. Prior to his advances in hunger and cancer research, Coughlin was arguing that the football team allow him to travel to Columbus, Ohio for Minnesota’s nationally-televised game against Ohio State.

“Yeah, I thought it was necessary for me to travel with the team, given my wealth and breadth of experience in athletic media relations,” Coughlin said. “But now, with me curing cancer and ending world hunger, it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to go to Ohio anymore.”

Media staff members agree that Coughlin does not need to make the trip to Columbus.

“The guy’s a star in the medical research field,” Publications Coordinator Jeff Keiser said. “What the hell is he doing in media relations?”

“I honestly didn’t think he had the ability to end world hunger and put a stop to the horrors of cancer, but obviously I was wrong,” coworker Kevin Kurtt said. “I can only hope that Shane [Sandersf***] and I perform up to his level in Columbus this weekend.”

“Now that I got that cancer thing out of the way, I’m going to devote my time to finding the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman,” Coughlin declared. “I’d also like to send a message to Osama bin Laden. I’m coming for you. Watch your back.”