Boom Goes the Dynamite, a slowpitch softball franchise with ties to the defunct Low Expectations, Gas on the Fire and I'm With Stupid, opens its 2008 St. Louis Park League season tonight with a contest against Myslajek Ltd. (a team chock full of accountants) at 6:15 p.m., at Dakota Park (click here for map). Mr. Heavyfoot sat down with Let's Play Softball staff writer Don Bowman for his analysis on Boom's laundry list of question marks.
Question: Will arm injuries to mediocre shortstop/team president Kevin Kurtt (Edina, Minn.) and servicable outfielder/general manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) have a major impact on Boom?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Kurtt will give up his shortstop position to Jim Strick, much like he gave up his hockey SID position to the Bucky-lover. Kurtt will, in turn, platoon at first base with Kevin Noth and Lisa Hardy. Offseason rotator cuff surgery looks likely. Keiser, meanwhile, will make the move to the pitcher's mound, replacing Steve Geller. It's surprising that it has taken Keiser this long to recognize the injury, given it originally happened on May 17, 2006 (link).
Question: Can utility player/team hustler Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) return to pre-knocked-up form after giving birth to an astonishingly cute son (proof of cuteness here)?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: If I've learned anything about Mrs. Kurtt it's that she will stop at nothing to lead Boom to victory. To wit: link.
Question: Will outfielder/team social coordinator Meghan Potter (Hibbing, Minn.) revert to her Little Miss Lackadaisical alter ego or will she regain her early-2000s form that saw her earn All-Iron Range accolades as a Hibbing High Bluejacket?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: She was the first player to pay team president Kevin Kurtt her player dues and she seems genuinely excited about proving herself in 2008. Still, I'm not sold. There's just too much history of half-assed play from this former Academic All-NCC honoree. That being said, if she shows half the enthusiasm she showed during her stint as Tom Wistrcill's assistant, Boom management will be happy.
Question: Will the pending unemployment of "Tory Kukowski Memorial Outfielder" Ryan Maus (Northfield, Minn.) be a major distraction?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Not really. With no job in athletic media relations lined up, Maus is primed to re-enter the blogging world as one of the foremost Twins bloggers in the land. Plus, nothing can wipe the smile off this guy's face (link).
Question: Will rangy utility player Jim Strick (Oshkosh, Wis.) drag down Boom much like he did to the 2007-08 edition of Golden Gopher hockey?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: He better not. Strick's involvement with the Gopher hockey program may or may not have led to the name of Minnesota's Pride on Ice being sullied. If Boom sees a first-game season-ending injury to a star player, a mid-season departure from another star player or a seventh-place league finish, team management will have no choice but to blame Strick and send him back to Wisco.
Question: Will the loss of team cancer Kyle Coughlin (Golden Valley, Minn.) spell great things for Boom in 2008?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Losing Coughlin to the Windy City was the best thing to happen to Boom in the offseason. That, and the jettisoning of perennial Nick Joos Disappointment of the Year frontrunner Alicia Jerome.
Question: Will Boom's superfans follow the franchise from the God-forsaken fields of the U of M and Lake Nokomis to the pastoral green grass and fenced-in fields of St. Louis Park?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: If ticket sales for tonight are any indication, fans will have no problem leaving behind the overzealous park police of Lake Nokomis and the overzealous parking Nazis at the U of M. Scheduled to appear tonight is the entire Kurtt clan - Jim, Beth, Laura, Cooper, Maggie and in his debut appearance, Kieran - as well as Emily Wood (of Emily Wood Team Spirit Award fame). In related news, new manager Michelle Traen is no longer eligible for the Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan of the Year Award.
Question: Can longtime superfan Michelle Train (Taunton, Minn.) handle the pressure as Boom's first-ever full-time manager or will she crumple under the intense media and fan scrutiny in Isaiah Thomas-like fashion?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Let's face it, Train is a puppet of the ownership regime. Do you really think owner/team president Kevin Kurtt and his bobo, general manager Jeff Keiser are going to allow Train to run the show without interference from the front office? No way. Train = Joe Girardi; Kurtt and Keiser = Hank Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman, respectively.
Question: Will aging hurler Steve Geller (Port Jefferson, N.Y.) and perennial playoff stud Kevin Noth (Norwalk, Wis.) once again serve as Boom's fashion plates for the 2008 season?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Yes. Tank tops and black sweatpants for everyone!
Question: Did part-timer Lisa Hardy (Hopkins, Minn.) find any speed in the offseason?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Not likely.
Question: Will third baseman/new attorney Andrea Smith (Golden Valley, Minn.) attempt to capitalize on personal injury lawsuits when Boom players inevitably get hurt?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: I really can't predict this one. Is Smith a young attorney primed for big things in the legal world or is she just an ambulance chaser? Is she cut from the same cloth as Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Jack Prescott? Is she more Johnnie Cochran or Jackie Childs? The jury is still out on this one (bada bing!).
Question: Does rookie utility player Alyssa Downing's (Marshall, Minn.) involvement with J Robinson Camps mean Boom players won't be allowed to drink water and/or will be forced to run the bases holding dumbbells above their heads for punishment for errors committed in the field?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: I smell a possible Andrea Smith lawsuit if Downing pulls any of those shenanigans.
Question: Will team sparkplug Emily Wood (Wausau, Wis.) be able to win the Emily Wood Team Spirit Award?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: If she doesn't, there's something seriously wrong with the voting process. Who's more upbeat than Wood? Excluding Smilin' Ryan Maus, of course.
Question: Will "Tory Kukowski Memorial Intern" wannabe Doug Vose (Mankato, Minn.) ever see playing time?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: If this team wants to win, they'll keep Vose where he belongs: answering phones and cutting out news clippings. I know he's close with Cal Ripken and all, but the vast majority of Boom's prior experiments with using students failed miserably (see: Dave "Cheese" Reidinger).
Question: Will wily journeyman Matt Slieter (Owatonna, Minn.) be as bitter and physically fragile as the player he replaced (Coughlin)?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Haven't we savaged Coughlin enough? I mean, he's been accused of having no heart, but he, in fact, has a bigger heart than anyone this franchise has ever seen. And Coughlin can prove it. Just ask him (and his Mayo Clinic test results). As far as Slieter, he has no reason to be bitter. He's not working for the worst-run sports franchise this side of the New York Knicks anymore. True, he's working in the land of search committees, teammates of the month, recruit-retain-reward (ha!), Eric Ferris, Gregg Shimanski, Leo, Joe, and the like, but that's nothing compared to his former employer (read: Ndudi Ebi).
Question: His final 2007 game notwithstanding, does former Boom outfielder Tory Kukowski (Lewiston, Minn.) provide his Oklahoma-based softball team with a couple of cans-of-corn every game like he did with Boom?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: What does this have to do with Boom's 2008 season? Nothing? Right. I'll still answer the question. Yes. Yes he does.
Question: Can tall infielder Cathy Behr (Willmar, Minn.) be expected to step into the shoes left by former second baseman/current mom-to-be Alicia Jerome (Kirkland, Wash.)?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Yes. I've got nothing here.
Question: Who will win the newly-created Alicia Jerome Memorial "Knocked Up" Award?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: I wouldn't dare venture a guess, but here are the past winners (retroactively rewarded from 2004):
2005 Kimberly Lockrem
2006 Lori Noth
2007 Casey Kurtt
2008 Alicia Jerome
Question: Will Steve Geller be swinging for the fences every at bat now that there are actual fences? Also, will Geller swing at a pitch below eye level at any point this season? Finally, will Geller's nearby apartment (to Dakota Park) be a postgame destination for Boom?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: Yes, No and You Better Hope Not.
Question: Will Boom be content with just playing on fields with real grass and fences, or will they recapture their "Just Winners" style from the 2006 season?
Let's Play Softball Analysis: The first one.
No comments:
Post a Comment