Your 2009 Warning Track Power Preseason Roster

It's softball season and what better place than the new and improved Mister Heavyfoot for satirical game stories and fake press releases from everybody's favorite slowpitch softball team, Warning Track Power (nee Boom Goes the Dynamite). Things have mightily changed since we last heard from the storied franchise, namely the team's controversial decision to change its name from the iconic Boom Goes the Dynamite to the more aptly-titled Warning Track Power. WTP opens its 2009 campaign tomorrow in its second season in the St. Louis Park Mixed C Softball League. WTP's first opponent is Colgate. First pitch is at 6 p.m., at Dakota Park East.

So, without further ado, may we present to you the 2009 edition of Warning Track Power (subject to change):

Cathy Behr (UT) - A last minute signing to start the 2008 season who performed excellently all season; displays a courage and love of the game unrivaled in franchise history; able to play several positions, though she'd prefer to avoid shortstop so she can keep her manicured fingernails; one of the team's true powerhitters; winner of the following 2008 awards: Fox 9 Courage and Love of the Game (co-winner), Emily Wickstrom Grit/Determination Award, Tony's Diner Comeback Player of the Year, Gold Glove
Alyssa Downing (UT) - WTP's tannest player and a co-winner of the 2008 Duffy's Pizza Unsung Hero Award; quietly one of the team's most consistent on-base threats; sneaky fast baserunner who is always looking for extra bases
Steve Geller (P/OF/SS/3B) - will undoubtedly be swinging for the fences at every at-bat, especially with the addition of new Combat bats; looking to boucne back from a subpar 2008 season at the plate; winner of the following 2008 awards: Unsung Hero (co-winner), Fox 9 Courage and Love of the Game (co-winner), PPI Sports Most Aggressive Baserunner/Hustler Award, Gold Glove, Marvin Geller Lifetime Achievement Award (co-winner)
Lisa Hardy (1B) - opened the Lisa Hardy Speed Camp over the offseason; still one of WTP's slowest players, though she looks like she can run; will be splitting time between WTP and the Wayzata HS fastpitch team as an assistant coach; loss of Andrea Smith may be hardest on Hardy; is anticipating a poor hitting season as "the new bats are too heavy"
Amanda Hoehn (UT) - Lone offseason acquisition; a longtime slowpitch veteran who will bring some needed moxie to the WTP roster; has a great relationship with St. Louis Park Softball League umpires; is looking to exact a measure of revenge on her 2008 squad; appears on the preseason watch list for the Tory Kukowski Memorial Rookie of the Year Award
Jeff Keiser (P/OF/3B) - team general manager responsible for some of the best (Tyler Thomson) and worst (Chris Cords) signings in franchise history; winner of the following 2008 awards: Shane Sandersfeld Memorial MVP (co-winner), Gold Glove, Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year (co-winner), Marvin Geller Lifetime Achievement Award (co-winner); contemplated sitting out the year with continued elbow soreness; enters season as one of WTP's few power threats; manager Michelle Train still can't figure out where he fits best in the field
Casey Kurtt (C/2B/OF) - co-owner of WTP with husband Kevin Kurtt; team's shortest player who looks to rebound from a subpar 2008 campaign at the plate; will run out any and all batted balls; tends to stop ground balls with her shins; also plays kickball during the season with the Kit Shickers; 2008 co-winner of the Duffy's Pizza Unsung Hero Award
Kevin Kurtt (SS/UT) - team president; co-owner of WTP with wife Casey Kurtt; packed on some ample winter weight in the offseason to bolster his inconsistent power hitting; will battle to keep his starting position at SS; enters season with continued pain in his throwing shoulder due to a torn labrum; had a solid 2008 season at the plate, but saw a significant dip in power hitting; winner of the following 2008 awards: Shane Sandersfeld Memorial MVP (co-winner), Victory Sports Silver Stick Award; Garry Bowman Leadership Award (co-winner), Gold Glove
Ryan Maus (OF) - deceptively slow outfielder who improved as the 2008 season wore on; now gainfully employed, he has no excuse for not producing this season; one of two lefthanded bats in the WTP lineup; smiles a lot; is way too into Twitter; veteran bullpen catcher; boasts an impressive fan club in Northfield, Minn; winner of the 2008 Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player Award and co-winner of the Duffy's Pizza Unsung Hero Award
Kevin Noth (OF/1B) - aging veteran who suffered through a dreadful 2008 season; didn't get the opportunity to show off his patented playoff surge as every tournament that Boom entered was cancelled; has vowed never to strikeout looking again; is primed for a strong 2009 season with renewed vigor after a rigorous offseason workout regimen; runaway "winner" of the Nick Joss/Mike Lochrem Biggest Disappointment "Award
Meghan Potter (OF) - bounced back after a lackadaisacal 2007 season to finish second in the Tony's Diner Comeback Player of the Year voting; hosted the season's only pre-game party in 2008; was outstanding with runners in scoring position; may be the team's lest aggressive baserunner; can be distracted by arrogant hockey/baseball players
Matt Slieter (UT) - a wily journeyman who is looking to build on a breakout 2008 season; didn't show the proneness to injury that is expected out of men's basketball SIDs; one of the team's least aggressive baserunners; despite average speed, won a Gold Glove from the outfield in 2008; one of few players who can hit to all fields
Jim Strick (UT) - tall; entered the season as an infielder/outfielder, but moved into the pitching spot after ineffectiveness from Steve Geller and Jeff Keiser; pitched a two-hitter in slowpitch softball, leading Boom to a pathetic 3-2 win; has total command of the strike zone to go along with an array of different pitches; changes speeds with ease; one of two lefthanded bats in the WTP lineup; led the team in on-base percenteage in 2008; winner of the 2008 Tory Kukowski Memorial Rookie of the Year Award and the Cy Young Award
Emily Wood (UT) - enters season on disabled list; perennial team sparkplug will supprt WTP from the stands if she is unable to play

Key Additions: Amanda Hoehn
Key Losses: Andrea Smith
Possible Subs: AVP, Garry Bowman, Carmelina Carabajal, Chris Cords, Phil Esten, Ben Flattum, Katie Fornasiere, Amy Hamilton, Emily Hennen, Kristin Hill, Nate Selvig, Anne Strong, Tyler Thomson, Michelle Train, Kristine Yorde
Season Opener: April 28