Worst Throw in Softball History to Result in Amputation of Keiser’s Arm

Boom Goes the Dynamite Assistant General Manager Jeff Keiser (Avon, Ct.) will undergo a surgical procedure to amputate his right arm on Friday after the left fielder made the worst throw in slow-pitch softball history last night in Boom’s 15-1 win over Lookin’ to Score. Attempting to make a throw to home plate, Keiser instead heaved the ball 15 feet over catcher Casey Kurtt (Lakeland, Minn.) and into the ivy covering the backstop. Keiser’s right elbow promptly fell to the grass in left field, while shards of his ulnar nerve were spotted in the ivied backstop, precipitating tomorrow’s amputation.

“Jeff Keiser sustained a Class IV injury to his right elbow last night,” team physician and May Teammate of the Month Mahdi Abbou Sammad said. “My surgical team will work diligently to preserve Mr. Keiser’s quality of life, but he didn’t do himself any favors by making that horrendous throw. He no throw good and he now hurt bad. In related news, I’d like to announce that the amputation will be broadcast live on this week’s episode of Hello Mahdi!”

Keiser, an original member of the Boom Goes the Dynamite softball franchise, will be cared for at his Plymouth, Minn., home by all-star caregiver Joyce Sandersf*** (Williamsburg, Iowa). The mother of now-defunct Shane Sandersf***, a former power hitter and below-average outfielder, will see to all of Keiser’s daily needs, including bathing, feeding and defecating, clearing the way for Keiser’s wife to continue to train for the 47 marathons that she will be competing in this summer.

“It’s a shame that he’ll lose his arm, but he kinda deserves it if you ask me,” wily veteran Kyle “Turn Your Head And” Coughlin said. “I mean, did you see that god-awful throw? He allowed their only run to cross the plate. It’s embarrassing. I’m glad they’re cutting his arm off. Serves him right.”

Pick 'Em Corner Signs One-Year Deal

Shane Sandersfeld, Producer of "Pick 'Em Corner" has just locked into a one-year agreement with BW3 to bring back the popular sports show for it's second season.

Negotiations between Sandersfeld and BW3 were ongoing since last January when the show concluded its first season on Victory Sports One. The show was the highest-rated program on VSO, but rumors of its cancellation became rampant after Sandersfeld was unsure if he could bring back two of the prominent personalities, Jeff "The Cornerman" Keiser and "The Professor" Kevin Kurtt. Also adding to the chaos, was Sandersfeld's near death experience in Mexico where he was attempting to reach an agreement with ESPN Deportes to simulcast "Pick Em Corner" with the Spanish equivalent "El Gaucho Cornero Loco". That plan fell by the wayside, as did Sandersfeld, as his broken neck led to stagnating the negotiations with both VSO and ESPN Deportes.

Sandersfeld was forced to turn negotiations over to Executive Director Joyce Sandersfeld, who quickly scrapped the idea of taking the show to a more southern entity and cut off ties with ESPN Deportes after they requested that the show be moved to Don Pablo's and all talent involved with the show drink Corona or Dos Equis.

"I know Shane very desperately wanted to make this show work in both Minneapolis and Mexico," said Joyce Sandersfeld, "but the demands of ESPN Deportes, the Mexican government and Shane's unpaid medical bill matter down there have made dealings with the our friends to the south very uncomfortable.

"It is too bad because Shane was confident that three spinoff shows to "El Gaucho Cornero Loco," were a sure-thing."

The first was a game show called "Hello Mati!!!" hosted by "The Professor," where a foreign janitor tries each week to make more friends than a random competitor. The second was called "Keepin' Cool With Coolies" where Steve Geller follows spring-breakers to local hot spots in Mexico and shows the viewer what they are missing. The show is sponsored by Cool Ranch Doritos and Geller must say "Stay Cool" 30 times per half-hour episode. The third show, "Gettin' Paid," starred funnyman Bob Swoverland as host. Swoverland goes to different hoods in Minneapolis/St. Paul and hands out money to the people representing their 'hood with the worst jokes.

Shane resumed control of the negotiations in late April and everything seemed to be in place except for the finalizing of the talent.

"It was a difficult hurdle to get over because much like the "Friends" series, you have a lot of unknowns who become overnight superstars," Sandersfeld said. "I knew I needed to act quickly to lock up Kyle "Cool Breeze" Coughlin, and Steve "Stellar" Geller before another pilot tried to sign them and fortunately I was able to do that. The hardest part was getting "Cornerman" and "The Professor" to jump back on board. They have "other interests" that yours truly, Stellar and Breeze don't have to contend with. I had to be flexible and I want to thank BW3 and the committee for allowing them to appear on a minimum of five shows to fulfill their contract. That part of the deal would never have been allowed had I not been able to sign "The Veteran" Kevin Coughlin back for one more season. Much like Roger Clemens, "Veteran's" contract cost me a pretty penny, but the show isn't the same without the core."

As host, Sandersfeld agreed to 13 shows in the fall, an NFL Playoff Preview in December or January, a NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Special in March and a NFL Draft Preview Special in April. Sandersfeld also gave way to two "random" specials which may occur any time between August '06 through April '07, but he did not agree to a NCAA Women's Basketball Tourney Special sponsored by Oxygen in May.

Other concessions made by both sides include Sandersfeld allowing the show to be re-named "The Corner" as part of "Wings & Thangs Thursday" and despite BW3 not wanting to bring back secondary sponsors, Sandersfeld was able to get Stinky's Pub back for a second-straight year and he negotiated a sponsorship with Masterlock for each of the talent's pick of the week. Sandersfeld failed to negotiate a deal allowing the talent to pick their waitress. He also would not disclose who may be make "special guest appearances" in 2006-07.

In a separate deal, Sandersfeld also negotiated a food sponsorship with BW3 thru 2008 to be the primary commercial vendor for the very popular "KC's Draft Party!!