Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Tyler Thomson (Bismarck, N.D.) to an amateur tryout contract. Thomson, a 35-year-old power hitter and MVP of the 2005 Rodents vs. Chipmunks inter-office softball game, agreed to terms with team president and manager Steve “Peanut Butter and” Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.
“We’re excited about the acquisition of Tyler Thomson,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “We scouted him during the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last season and liked what we saw. We initially were going to go after designated hitter Luciano Battaglini, but team management was scared off by the possible language barrier. We don’t have anybody that speaks Latin or Spanish or Brazilian or whatever language it is that he speaks. Inevitably, we settled on Thomson. He’ll do.”
Thomson has been penciled in to start in center field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Beer Goggles tonight in Minneapolis.
“I’m thrilled with the opportunity to show my stuff,” Thomson said. “Brooke Sawyer’s team [Yep] turned me down during the offseason and I haven’t forgotten about that. I’m going to show them they made a huge mistake. I know they balked at picking me up when I struggled on the Wonderlic test during the combine. I was tired that morning, man. I got home late the night before from a recruiting trip in Bangladesh and Myanmar. Those Bangladeshi chicks can play some mean tennis.”
Thomson joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Keiser, oft-injured grizzled veteran Kyle Coughlin, Division I softball veterans Andrea Smith and Alicia Jerome, team cancer Michael H. Lochrem, token short people Casey Kurtt and Emily Wood, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and up-and-coming rookie Tory Kukowski.
