Longtime journeyman slow-pitch softball player Kyle Coughlin has signed a 10-day conditional contract with Boom Goes The Dynamite, an expansion franchise in the CSC Wednesday Night League. Left fielder and resident hothead Shane Sandersf*** is sitting out tonight’s game in protest of team owner Steve Geller’s decision to sign Coughlin, citing “philosophical differences with Coughlin and his ilk.”
“We’re going to give Coughlin one chance to prove he won’t be an egomaniacal cancer to Boom Goes The Dynamite,” Geller said from a sparsely-attended press conference at Kafé 421. “We’ve had reports from Coughlin’s colleagues that he’s vastly overrated, but our director of scouting Jeff Keiser says that Coughlin has turned a corner in his attitude and durability. ”
When asked about Sandersf***’s high-profile protest, Geller added, “Mr. Sandersf*** needs to remember who runs this team. This is my team and I decide who plays and who doesn’t. If Sandersf*** continues this protest, he’s going to find himself third on the depth chart behind Good Times (Chris Jensen) and the recently released Mike Lundberg. Perhaps Mr. Sandersf*** is threatened by Coughlin and his ego, attitude and aging athletic ability.”
“I’m protesting Mr. Geller’s signing of Coughlin as I don’t believe that journeyman belongs on this team,” Sandersf*** said in a statement released by his public relations firm, Weber Shandwick. “His heart and passion for the game is questionable, and he’s about as durable as Ben Utecht. Maybe Coughlin is blowing smoke up Geller’s a** right now with his likable attitude and team-player rhetoric, but I for one am not buying it. I’ll end my protest when Geller apologizes to me and the team or when Coughlin is released.”
Boom Goes The Dynamite takes on The Real Deal tonight at 7:10 p.m., at McRae Park. An assortment of Kyle Coughlin clippings is included below:
2004 Season rospectus on Kyle Coughlin (4/3/04)
Thinks he’s better than everyone • most injury-prone player in the league • wily veteran • has shown a lack of heart during preseason • looks to replace Kevin Kurtt at shortstop.
Coughlin Says, “I’m Better Than You.” (4/15/04)
On the morning of April 9, 2004, unproven commodity Kyle Coughlin confided in two members of I’m With Stupid that, “I’m the best player on this team. Put me in any position and I’ll shine. It doesn’t matter. I’m better than you.”
Coughlin, an oft-injured journeyman, made his bold and unprecedented statement to Director of Player Personnel Jeff Keiser and General Manager Kevin Kurtt in Keiser’s palatial office. Coughlin’s comment was not well received and brings into question the type of players IWS will need to deal with in the locker room in the upcoming season.
“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” Keiser said. “The guy is injured more than Anna Kournikova...and he has about as good a winning record as her, too. We already know about [Shane] Sandersf***’s questionable attitude on and off the field. Now we have to juggle the ballooning ego of Coughlin. It’s disgusting.”
“Let me just say this, Coughlin,” Kurtt added. “Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash. Now just what’s the matter with you?”
When reached for further comment, Coughlin referred to his meaningless hitting and fielding stats from his meager career at Robbinsdale Armstrong High School.
Coughlin Mulling Retirement (4/24/04)
Wily veteran Kyle Coughlin, 33, is reportedly mulling retirement after sustaining an ankle injury during Stupid's 14-4 win over Bullwinkles. Coughlin has missed the better part of the last five seasons with a multitude of questionable mild injuries. Team president Chris Bergren is also reportedly upset with Coughlin's refusal to restructure his contract.
“Coughlin is just picking up the pay check and not showing up. We need to see more commitment from that geezer”.
“The guy is a f****** pussy,” Shane Sandersf*** said via videophone. “The guy can flat out play but he is gutless. You never see Gell-Gell Cool J [Steve Geller] sitting out with a stubbed toe or a bent fingernail like Coughlin. Geller is a gamer.”
When reached for comment, Coughlin openly gave credence to the rumors. “I’m always mulling retirement. I’ve been mulling for eight years now. I’m like Brett Favre, except...wait, yeah I am addicted to painkillers.”
