Boom Goes The Dynamite, a slow-pitch softball expansion franchise with links to the now-defunct teams of Gas on the Fire and I’m With Stupid, has announced the signing of utility player Emily Wood to a multi-year contract. Wood, a 5-foot-nothing sparkplug from Wausau, Wis., agreed to terms with team president and manager “Messy” Steve Geller this morning during a clandestine meeting at The House of Hanson in Dinkytown.
“We scouted Emily at the Rodents vs. Chipmunks game last week at Siebert Field and she really showed us that girls don’t have to throw like our former first baseman Mike Lundberg,” director of scouting Jeff Keiser said. “Sure, she’s short, but so am I. I could go on and on with famous and successful short people, but I won’t. No, I don’t have inferiority complex. I’m perfectly within the range of average height for an American male. I don’t look up to no one. Stop laughing at me.”
Wood, formerly Emily “I see your” Schranz “is as big as mine,” has been penciled in to start in right field for Boom Goes The Dynamite’s season-opener against Weber Shandwick this Wednesday in Minneapolis.
“Have you ever seen Snickers (Emily Wood) play the office game Patches?!?” left fielder and team attorney Sugar Shane Sandersf*** said. “Her hand-eye coordination is unrivaled. All I can say is that dog’s got some tricks, man.”
Wood joins an ensemble cast of mediocre softball talent, including hotheads Geller and Sandersf***, fellow short person Casey Kurtt, weed addict Kevin “Pablo” Morales, assault victim Dominic Ladd, big-headed Kevin Kurtt and fashion mogul Kristin Hill.
“I’m just glad they overlooked the fact that I’m associated with Michelle Train,” Wood said from a sparse press conference at Ridder Arena. “Having your name associated with Trainy cannot be good for an athlete’s career, but Mr. Geller gave me a chance. I’m just going to work hard for Boom Goes The Dynamite and prove that getting Wood is always a good thing.”
