Colorblind Hockey Player Keeps Going Offsides

This article appears in the Dec. 11, 2008, edition of Let's Play Hockey.

BLAINE, MINN. – Area hockey player Geoff Kaiser picked up the sport a mere three months ago, but the Plymouth, Minn., native is already considering hanging up the skates for good due to his rare red-blue colorblindness. A forward for the Elsinore Brewery team in the Norris Division of the SuperRink D League, Kaiser has gone offsides a league record 114 times in 16 games this season, apparently because of his inability to discern the difference between the red and blue lines.

Even though Kaiser, 32, wholly understands the rules of hockey, he routinely gets confused as to which lines are which colors, leading to multiple whistles for offsides during nearly every one of Kaiser’s shifts. Just last weekend in a league game against the rival Bourque Chops, Kaiser skated offsides an astonishing six times in one shift.

"Being colorblind has certainly taken a toll on my development as a hockey player," Kaiser said after a game which featured 29 whistles attributed solely to the hapless forward. "It’s just so darn confusing out there on the ice. I mean, what’s red to you is blue to me and vice versa. It’s like bizarro world. How can I be expected to stay onsides when I can’t tell if the line I just crossed was really red or blue?"

In an effort to combat the obvious conflict of Kaiser’s visual disability with the rules of hockey, Elsinore Brewery teammates have gone to great lengths to solve the maddening problem. Team captain Mike Lunderbergh thought he found the solution upon finishing his box of Fruity Pebbles late last month.

"I’m just polishing off a box of my favorite cereal when I notice something amid the crumbs," Lunderbergh said. "There it was. The solution to all of our problems – 3-D glasses. It seemed like a great idea and it was to a certain extent. The glasses solved the red line-blue line problem, but it sure did a number of Geoff’s depth perception. He wasn’t going offsides anymore, but he was constantly running into the boards. Back to the drawing boards, I guess."

When the 3-D glasses experiment failed, the Elsinore Brewery squad tried several other tactics to handle the issue, including hypnosis, behavior modification, looking into retinal transplants and playing Geoff only when they had a faceoff in the offensive zone. When all those strategies failed, the team turned to league director Sam Lombardo.

"The Elsinore Brewery team came to me with a drastic suggestion to help rid the league of the offsides epidemic that has plagued it since Kaiser started playing hockey," Lombardo said. "Lunderbergh asked the rink manager to re-paint our lines in more Kaiser-friendly colors like green and orange. That just wasn’t going to happen. We’d be the laughingstock of the ice arena world."

The majority of Kaiser’s teammates have been nothing but supportive as Kaiser has battled his colorblindness on the ice. Some Elsinore Brewery players, however, seem to be losing patience.

"Listen, I like Geoff. I respect Geoff. I just don’t understand Geoff," veteran defenseman Karl Coughlin said. "How hard is it to figure out that the center line is red and the other two lines are blue? Seriously, I’ve had just about enough of this. If he doesn’t quit, I quit."

Other team members have taken a more pragmatic, look-on-the-bright-side approach to the problems that Kaiser has brought to the ice.

"I’m as annoyed by all the whistles as the next guy, but I’ll tell you this, I’m getting really good at taking faceoffs," center Stefan Gellar said.

Kaiser claims he didn’t anticipate the impact his visual disability would have on the Elsinore Brewery team and the SuperRink D League.

"I really didn’t expect my colorblindness to be a problem in hockey," Kaiser said. "I mean, it’s never really been an issue before...aside from my short-lived career as a high school quarterback when I passed to the wrong team because I thought they’re wearing blue when they were really wearing red. Oh, and every four years during election time, the whole red state-blue state thing gets really confusing. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I get pulled over all the time for running red lights has something to do with me having trouble seeing red. I guess I should have seen this coming."

Lunderbergh has called a team meeting to address the future of Kaiser on the Elsinore Brewery team. League officials are anxiously awaiting the team’s decision.

"As officials, we need to stay as impartial as possible," linesman Jim Backlin said. "But the sooner Kaiser is done as a hockey player, the better. I’ve gone through 14 whistles this season. My whistle budget is through the roof."

2008 Boom Goes the Dynamite Team Awards

Shane Sanderfeld Memorial MVP: Jeff Keiser and Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Jim Strick)
- Comments on Keiser: "The team’s Jack of All Trades and most consistent run producer through the long, grinding season." "Had the only two home runs of the year, and along with Kevin Kurtt was the most consistent hitter until a late season funk."
- Comments on Kurtt: "Team’s most consistent offensive and defensive player."
- Also receiving votes: Cathy Behr ("Brought her lunch pail to work every game. Played through injuries. Brought new bat."), Matt Slieter ("Nearly flawless in the field/good hitter despite his refusal to try for extra bases."), Michelle Train ("She managed egos and diverse personalities and still put a winning product on the field.")

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Playoff MVP: N/A
- Comments on N/A: "Nobody deserves this award. We stunk." "We didn’t have playoffs, did we?" "There was no postseason, and we need to find a league that has one so slow-starting veterans like Noth and myself can know when our bats need to start to heat up. You can’t expect us to be consistent the whole year." "A Playoff MVP? Ahh no…" "We would have to win some games for a Playoff MVP"
- Also receiving votes: Sam Lambardo (aka Jim Lombardi) ("for encouraging us to sign up for two tournaments which were later cancelled due to lack of interest, resulting in mass confusion on how much money the Boom front office had spent in 2008."

Duffy’s Pizza Unsung Hero Award: Alyssa Downing, Steve Geller, Ryan Maus, Casey Kurtt
- Comments on Downing: "Quietly one of the team’s most consistent on-base threats."
- Also receiving votes: Meghan Potter ("Led team in RBI and was dogged all year for lack of hustle. This applies more towards the first session. We caught a glimpse of a Potter who is into the game, can hit and field. I think it is time for Train to figure how to pick and choose the right spots to use a motivated Potter."), Emily Slieter, Jim Strick, Michelle Train ("Perhaps an MVP candidate considering her absence created all kinds of confusion in making out a lineup and figuring out who goes where."), Emily Wood ("Quietly racked up great numbers both at the plate and on the mound/didn’t get nearly the amount of press that Kurtt, Keiser, Geller and Noth got."

Victory Sports Silver Stick Award: Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Matt Slieter)
- Comments on Kurtt: "Solely cuz he won the batting title…now if he could just find a little of the power he had during the CSC days." "He had the highest batting average didn’t he? Next year we need a real official scorer so we can get a legit feel as to how everyone really hit this year.
- Comment on Slieter: "A smooth stroke that packed power and finesse to the opposite field."
- Also receiving votes: Steve Geller ("This aging hurler made like Babe Ruth after forsaking the mound, putting forth a productive season at the plate. Kudos, Steve.", Cathy Behr, Jeff Keiser, Meghan Potter.

Lady Byng Sportsmanship Award: Emily Wood (runner-up: Ryan Maus)
- Comments on Wood: None
- Comments on Maus: "Based solely on his ever-present smile." "Plays the game the way it should be played."
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy, Jeff Keiser, Andrea Smith, Jim Strick ("Would have a clean record of great sportsmanship except the final game when he argued strikes with the bad ump."), Kristine Yorde, Maggie, N/A

Garry Bowman Leadership Award: Michelle Train and Kevin Kurtt (runner-up: Jeff Keiser)
- Comment on Train: "Put everything into her new role as team manager/her putting together inning-by-inning lineups was above and beyond the call of duty."
- Comments on Kurtt: "Where would this franchise be without his tireless efforts? No where, that’s where." "No greater leader than someone who can spend time finding 64 people to seed and place in a bracket and then coordinate voting to determine who 'goes Boom the most.'"
- Comment on Keiser: "Keiser was the closest thing to a leader on a team without one this year. Bring back Coughlin. Did I just say that, don’t ever tell him I said that."
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy ("After Jeff embarrassed himself at the meeting at homeplate."), Jim Strick

Emily Wood Team Spirit Award: Emily Wood (runner-up: Kevin Noth)
- Comments on Wood: "Always a sparkplug" "Who else?" "It’s in the title!"
- Also receiving votes: Kevin Noth-Kevin Kurtt-Steve Geller-Jeff Keiser ("The only ones who showed for every game.", Lisa Hardy, Steve Geller ("Never missed a game despite playing in two leagues."

Fox 9 News Courage and Love of the Game Award: Steve Geller and Cathy Behr (runners-up: Ryan Maus, Andrea Smith)
- Comments on Geller: None
- Comments on Behr: "Amputated a finger and still played, and also played through getting beaned from the outfield early in the year trying to stretch a double into a triple. Ouch." "Taking one off the neck and playing without a fingernail!"
- Comment on Maus: "Seriously always smiling."
- Also receiving votes: Matt Slieter ("Overcame spousal restraints to post a spectacular debut year."), Jeff Keiser

Potbelly Sandwich Works Most Improved Player: Ryan Maus (runner-up: Kristine Meghan Potter)
- Comment on Maus: "Might be the only person who hit better in the fall than during the spring"
- Comment on Potter: "RBI machine came through when needed most."
- Also receiving votes: Lisa Hardy, Michelle Train, Kristine Yorde, Nobody ("Everyone got worse, that's why we sucked.", Did you see this team?, Who knows? Wasn't a member last season.

Emily Wickstrom Grit/Determination Award: Cathy Behr (runners-up: Kevin Noth, Andrea Smith)
- Comments on Behr: "Overcame numerous bumps, cuts and bruises due to her rough-and-tumble style of play." "Got hit in the neck by a throw and had a nail ripped off her hand and bled all over the place."
- Also receiving votes: Alyssa Downing, Steve Geller, Lisa Hardy ("Doesn't back down to anyone"), Casey Kurtt

Tory Kukowski Memorial Rookie of the Year: Jim Strick (runner-up: Matt Slieter)
- Comments on Strick: None
- Comments on Slieter: "Emerged as one of team’s most dependable cornerstones." "Although Slieter is as much a rookie as Roy Hobbs was in the Natural" "Anyone who can win the Boom Bracket in his first year is an easy choice"
- Also receiving votes: Ryan Maus

PPI Sports Most Aggressive Baserunner/Hustler Award: Steve Geller (runner-up: Alyssa Downing)
Comments on Geller: "Who else would slide as much as he does?" "No explanation necessary"
Comments on Downing: "This was Geller’s award to lose and he did just that by running into too many tags on the bases"
Also receiving votes: Kevin Kurtt ("I would put myself on here, but when you get thrown out 75 percent of the time, I don’t think you deserved this honor"), Meghan Potter

Tony's Diner Comeback Player of the Year: Cathy Behr (runners-up: Lisa Hardy, Meghan Potter)
Comments on Behr: None
Comments on Hardy: "After some struggles in ’07 she bounced back to post a solid overall season"
Comments on Potter: "Despite accusations of lackadaisical effort she did lead the team in RBI, and was money with runners in scoring position until she just gave up in the final two games. I think in the future we need more pre-game barbeques and more weeks off to keep Potter motivated for an entire season."
Also receiving votes: Steve Geller, Matt Slieter, Emily Wood ("Recovered from a pre-season injury to become the team’s best female hitter during the fall."

Jeannie/Cowboy Bob Superfan Award: Kieran Kurtt and The Kurtt Family (runner-up: Pam Hardy)
- Comment on Kieran: "Team’s record with him in attendance speaks for itself."
- Comment on Kurtt Family: "Loyal even during a horrendous Boom season."
- Also receiving votes: Laura Kurtt, Cathy's Guy, AVP

Goldy’s Gang Mascot of the Year: Maggie (runner-up: Cooper)
- Comment on Maggie: "Watch out for your sandwich Keiser!!"
- Also receiving votes: AVP

Burrito Loco Best 10-Day Acquisition Award: Bobbi Ross (runner-up: Doug Vose)
- Comments on Ross: "What an athlete!" "If management has any clue what they are doing they will lock her up to a long-term contract"
- Comment on Vose: "Five-for-five doesn’t get much better"
- Also receiving votes: Michelle Train

Nick Joos/M. Lochrem Biggest Disappointment “Award”: Kevin Noth
- Comments on Noth: "Playoff performance last season proved merely a mirage." "Has anyone had a bigger rollercoaster career. We should have to pay money to watch the ups and downs that makes up a typical summer softball season for Kevin Noth."
- Also receiving votes: Garry Bowman, Kyle Coughlin, Bobbi Ross ("I don’t know who that is, but I’ll put my vote there"), Matt Slieter ("For grounding out 4-3 when he had a chance to end the Green Giants win streak"), Andrea Smith, The server in the bar area at Majors, The female umpire that Keiser rightly insulted

Cy Young, brought to you by Icy Hot: Jim Strick (runners-up: Steve Geller, Jeff Keiser)
- Comments on Strick: "He was downright tremendous in the circle, and should lead Boom into next season " "Finally a pitcher who wants to be on the team mound and is a team player."
- Comments on Keiser: "Not because he deserves it, just better than Geller and Strick"
- Also receiving votes: Meghan Potter

Gold Glove, presented by Isotoner: Kevin Kurtt, Steve Geller, Emily Wood, Matt Slieter, Cathy Behr, Jeff Keiser
- Also receiving votes: Jim Strick, Alyssa Downing, Ryan Mays, Andrea Smith

Gregg Shimanski Executive of the Year: Jeff Keiser and Michelle Train (Runner-up: Nobody. This team was a joke.)
- Comment on Keiser: "Results weren’t there but he worked his ass off."
- Comment on Train: "Exemplified the team in that her fire and intensity were strong at the start of the year, but faltered down the stretch."

Marvin Geller Lifetime Achivement Award: Steve Geller and Jeff Keiser
- Comments on Geller: "One of the Boom all-time greats, and a model of what we all should strive to become."
- Also receiving votes: Cathy Behr ("Good to have a new and improved version of Behr back. Looking forward to adding Teeks, Dom and Pablo next year, and shipping out old useless veterans like Geller, Noth and Slieter."), Casey Kurtt ("A promising softball career came to much too early end due to annoying teammates."), Kevin Noth ("For being the oldest member of Boom."), Bob Swoverland, Emily Wood ("As rumors swirl she may retire.")

Bobby Z’S Kodak Moments of the Year:
• Steve Geller going opposite field
• Steve Geller’s home run that wasn’t
• Jim Strick’s late season shutout performance
• Emily Wood stab to ice game
• Ryan Maus’s great outfield catches
• Jeff Keiser’s two home run game, quite possibly a record that will never be duplicated by our lame group of slap hitters.
• Jim Strick’s 3-2 victory, quite possibly the most pathetic game ever played in Boom history, but still the best pitching performance ever.
• Doug Vose’ head first slide.
• Kevin Noth hitting the first fenced home run in Boom history.
• Meghan Potter going 13-for-13 with runners in scoring position.
• Jim Strick tossing a 2-hitter.
• Meghan Potter hosting the Boom party.
• Lisa Hardy making opposing pitchers work.
• Bobbi Ross diving back into home plate after running past it

The Steak Knife Bloopers of the Year:
• Susan H. Keller’s incredibly poor umpiring
• Jeff Keiser putting his foot in his mouth to Susan H. Keller’s son
• Steve Geller body slam/slide/flop into second base
• Jeff Keiser telling the ump his mom is horrible
• Steve Geller’s slides into second and third
• Bobbi Ross playing Canadian Rules Softball
• Cathy Behr taking a hard grounder to a fingernail
• Matt Slieter turning a home run into a double.
• Alyssa and Dre running into each other in the outfield, no play represented the season better.
• Steve Geller getting thrown out on the basepaths on numerous occasions.
• Kevin Noth’s annual strikeout (only this time caught looking).
• Jeff Keiser overrunning first and getting tagged out and the ump actually making her first savvy call of the year.
• Highway robbery by the bad ump when we doubled off a player that would have been final out of the inning, leading to a big inning and our worst loss of the year to nine high-school aged punk kids.
• Kevin Noth?
• Cameron Noth hitting on Emily Slieter.

Most Awards Won
Steve Geller 5
Cathy Behr 4
Jeff Keiser 4
Kevin Kurtt 4
Emily Wood 3
Ryan Maus 2
Jim Strick 2
Michelle Train 2
Alyssa Downing 1
Casey Kurtt 1
Kieran Kurtt 1
The Kurtt Family 1
Maggie 1
Nobody 1
Kevin Noth 1
Bobbi Ross 1
Matt Slieter 1

Most Times Runner-Up
Jeff Keiser 2
Ryan Maus 2
Kevin Noth 2
Meghan Potter 2
Matt Slieter 2
Andrea Smith 2
Cooper 1
Alyssa Downing 1
Stebe Geller 1
Lisa Hardy 1
Pam Hardy 1
Jim Strick 1
Doug Vose 1

No Votes Received
Kristine Yorde
LFK
Sara Foreman
Katie Fornasiere
Tory Kukowski
Beth Kurtt
Jim Kurtt
Cameron Noth
Lori Noth
Kelly Slieter
Laura's Tall Guy