Toddler + Soccer Ball = Hilarity

It's been way too long since we posted a video of a small child getting hurt in a hilarious fashion. We have a history of posting such videos. To wit: this and this. Enjoy.

Kurtt Matriarch Using Knee Surgery as an Excuse to Get Out of Just About Everything

Beth Kurtt (Mound, Minn.), the matriarch of the small, but soon-to-be-growing Kurtt family, is reportedly pulling the wool over the eyes of numerous family members, friends, coworkers and associates by using her recent knee surgery as an excuse to get out of just about everything, sources tell Mr. Heavyfoot. Kurtt (second from right in above photo) underwent knee replacement surgery to her left knee on Tuesday in St. Louis Park, Minn., and has since utilized the expected sympathy, physical, mental and spiritual assistance, and overall kindness of others to take advantage of and/or neglect her immediate family, defraud the United States Government and basically get whatever the heck she wants.

According to Mr. Heavyfoot insider and Beth's husband Jim, Hopalong Kurtt hatched her elaborate scheme months ago to use knee surgery as a ploy to cash in on the generosity of others. Jim alleges that Beth has "played the knee card" on countless occasions since going under the knife earlier this week.

"Beth is taking the whole woe-is-me act to a whole new level," the 65-year-old, but doesn't look a day over 50, soon-to-be first-time grandfather said. "Just tonight I heard her tell our awesome son (Kevin) how she's using her new found disability as a way to get me to cook, clean and otherwise wait on her hand-and-foot. I wouldn't have a problem with it, but she flat-out admitted to Kevin that she should be rehabbing in a freakin' nursing home. Instead, she's using me...not that that's any different from our first 34 years of marriage. Shoot, she heard that. Just kidding, honey!"

Kurtt's alleged exploitation of her husband's benevolence has already gotten to the point where the gimpy 63-year-old woman has taken to ringing a bell whenever she wants something from her spouse.

"I thought it was a good idea when she got it before her surgery," Jim said. "I mean, our townhouse is three stories. If she needed help for something on the third floor, I'd hear her ringing the bell on the first floor. Instead, it's 'ding! I'm thirsty, bring me water,' or 'ding! This water isn't cold enough,' or 'ding! There's too much ice in this glass.' Just this afternoon she rang the bell to tell me to turn the channel on the TV. The remote was in her hand, for crying out loud! She rings that bell so much our neighbors think there's a church bell choir rehearsing in our bedroom."

The unscrupulousness of Kurtt's actions has had effects beyond that of her husband. Maggie (the dog, not the Miller girl) has essentially been forgotten about and neglected by her human mother.

"Don't feel bad for me," Jim said. "Feel bad for our geriatric Shetland Sheepdog. Beth claims she rings the bell during the day to get Maggie to spend time with her, but she knows as well as anybody that that dog couldn't hear our daughter's car stereo if it was parked in our living room. I swear Beth partly used this knee surgery as a way to avoid taking Maggie out to defecate."

In addition to allegedly taking advantage of her loved ones, Kurtt (second from right in photo at right) has recently been accused of defrauding the U.S. Government out of taxpayer money as a direct result of her knee surgery. Though she claims to be working from home during her lengthy rehab, Mr. Heavyfoot has learned that the laptop provided by her employers at the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has been used exclusively for non-governmental uses.

"Mrs. Kurtt claims to be working on travel reimbursement, payroll and other vital human resources duties," USDA tech services expert Donna [last name redacted] said. "My research shows that the laptop she was issued has been used to play solitaire (both the classic and spider versions), write non-essential personal e-mails and shop at the websites of Land's End, L.L. Bean, REI and Babies 'R' Us. Mrs. Kurtt's fraudulent activity on a USDA laptop is like that $600 hammer that has become the icon of Defense Department waste and incompetence. And believe me, I know waste and incompetence. Wink, wink."

Kurtt's alleged fraudulent use of government money and equipment has gone largely unchecked, thanks to a high-ranking family member in Washington, D.C. Kurtt's older brother and well-connected Capitol Hill power-broker, Jim Backlin, the Vice President of Legislative Affairs for the Christian Coalition, arranged for Kurtt's defrauding of the government to go unnoticed by officials in return for Kurtt's assistance earlier this summer in Backlin's quest to make this year's Independence Day celebration secondary to his 65th birthday (link).

Although Kurtt appears to be in pain and has struggled to sleep due to her discomfort, certain sources are claiming that the knee surgery itself may be a ruse. As part of her rehab, Kurtt was provided a 480E Continuous Passive Motion (pictured at left) from health care company Otto Bock. According to Otto Bock customer service staffers, Kurtt has called several times in the last three days, asking for "the street value of the 480E" and for "any and all uses for the 480E by a fully healthy and mobile person."

In addition to her apparent misuse of a rehab apparatus, Kurtt is accused of faking her knee problem to obtain services from local physical therapists. Sammy Caldwell of Park Nicollet Rehab Specialists in Chanhassen, Minn., reports that Kurtt has been treating her rehab sessions like visits to the YMCA.

"Mrs. Kurtt hobbles in here and goes through the motions for a while," Caldwell said. "But then she 'forgets' about the pain in her knee. I swear I heard her challenge a group of therapists to a game of pick-up basketball yesterday. She's always trying to get free strength training from us. We're physical therapists, not personal trainers. I'm not sure she knows the difference and I'm not sure she cares. I just think she's thrilled not to be working at the USDA."

Much like her defrauding of the government, Kurtt's deception of the health care industry is reportedly being covered up by the very surgeon that allegedly operated on Kurtt's left knee. Sources indicate that orthopedic surgeon Dr. Michael Hebert had an existing relationship with the Maloney family of eastern Minnesota and western Wisconsin prior to Kurtt's surgery. A seemingly innocuous detail to the casual observer, but Hebert has been a party to deception in the past, covering up the Maloney's true heritage as Italian, not Irish as the family has claimed for years (link). Kurtt's surgery must be called into question given the suspicious and nefarious connection with the Maloney family and the fact that Kurtt's daughter-in-law, Casey Kurtt, is a granddaughter of Donald "Bill" and Winifred Marguerite Maloney, the perpetrators of the Maloney (aka Marconi) family deception.

Kurtt was largely unavailable for comment as she was too busy ringing her bell, but did say that she was likely "going to shoot for right knee replacement next fall and maybe a Tommy John operation in 2009."

In somewhat related news, Mary Miller (Lakeland, Minn.) has been accused of using her recent back surgery as an excuse to get her hands on hospital-quality pain medication.

Monday Morning Pep Talk

It's been a long weekend - the Gophers got beat by Purdue despite some outstanding on-field cheering by director of football ops Randy Taylor; Cooper, the Heavyfoot dog, threw up what must have been a quarter of her body weight after a hard frisbee-catching workout; ok, that's about it. But that's enough to warrant the above video.

This morning may we present to you a pep talk from Jim Cantafio - Chad Henne's coach at Wilson High School (Pa.).

There really isn't anything to say about his speech other than:

"DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? DO YOU DANNY? HUH DANNY? DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE DANNY? HUH?"

Yet Another Black Eye for the Atlanta Falcons

Here's your obligatory posting of a video to prove that Mr. Heavyfoot still does exist. Here's our list of excuses for not posting recently: just started a new job, actually have to work at said job, new job does not provide the material needed for satirical news stories, good friend got married last weekend, pregnant wife won't allow us to write about how big she's getting anymore, laziness, this computer we're typing on sucks, former co-workers are paranoid about seeing their name satirized, etc. etc....

Until we come up with something good to write about, we give you the above video of a halftime football game between some Pop Warner kids and NFL mascots. As the Heavyfoot community should know, we're big fans of all things mascot, so when we come across of a video or story of a mascot, we're going to post it. About the video, in the words of the taper, "Look at the bird. Focus in on the bird." The Atlanta Falcons mascot takes out the team's frustrating on- and off-field performance by absolutely clobbering any Pop Warner kid that gets in his way.